Fragments
by lugenewalters
Summary: Logan loves Kendall...but he can't have Kendall...so he wants to stop loving Kendall...but can he? Kogan. Some Kendall/Jo. LOTS OF ANGST. Rated M for many reasons!
1. Who's Pete?

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Hey! This is my very first story on , and I'm excited to share it with you all :) There will be LOTS of angst and lots of dialogue, and the chapters will often be 4000+ words, so if you're not in to that type of thing, this probably isn't the story for you! But feel free to read anyway and tell me what you think. The story is about halfway complete, so your reviews may influence some later plot developments.

This story relies heavily on flashbacks and, to a lesser extent, dreams, and these parts appear in _italics_.

**DISCLAIMER:** _Big Time Rush_ and all related characters do NOT belong to me.**  
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><p><strong>CHAPTER ONE<strong>

In celebration of Big Time Rush's first year in Hollywood, Jennifer Knight had decided to surprise the four members with a special gift. She'd bought four expensive leather-bound journals and had each one engraved. "KK." "JD." "CG." "LM."

The boys had used these journals primarily for writing lyrics, but the one with "LM" on its cover had in its margins the written results of several years of seemingly unrequited love.

"Kendall and Logan Knight."

Nope. The two G's didn't look right. A black line was scribbled through.

"Logan and Kendall Mitchell."

The double L's. They just didn't look right. Logan scowled and made another scratch-out.

"Logan Mitchell & Kendall Knight."

For whatever reason, that worked. Just their names, the way they were, joined forever by a simple ampersand. Still, he violently scratched it out, gritting his teeth.

"Hey, what's up, Logan?" Kendall casually asked as he entered the apartment and went straight for the fridge. He wore swim trunks with a towel draped over his shoulders.

Logan slammed his journal shut and held it tight against his chest, definitely not expecting company. "Hey! Uh...I thought you guys were supposed to be tanning all day."

"Yeah, that was the plan," said Kendall. He'd grabbed an apple and taken a big bite out of it by the time he joined Logan in the living room area. "James is dangerously close to turning into Orange James again, and he's planning to take Carlos to that strange place with him, so...yeah, I thought it'd be best to find something else to do. And besides, there's someone else I'd rather spend my day with anyway."

"Oh, really?" Logan asked, a quiver in his voice. His excitement almost propelled him to his feet, but he forced himself to stay seated.

"Yep," Kendall said nonchalantly, oblivious to Logan's anticipation. "But Jo's out of town, so you, my friend, are the next best thing."

Simple words that broke Logan's heart.

"So, you wanna do something?" inquired Kendall.

He sat there shirtless. His hair was still a little wet, and there were tiny water droplets on his forehead, but the intense heat of the summer day had dried the rest of him off. His skin was lightly tanned, his arms stretched out across the back of the couch. He was also wearing what Logan had long ago noticed were his tightest pair of swim trunks. All of these shallow reasons made Logan desperately want to take him up on his offer, but the real temptation lie in Kendall's never ending quest to bring adventure and excitement to his best friend. "Yes," Logan wanted to say. "Yes, yes."

"Uh...I'd love to, but you know what? I have some errands to run," he said. The little voice inside him praised his excellent use of self-control. Kendall's let down expression, however, did not, and for a second, Logan would have changed his mind, but he stood firm.

"Oh," Kendall said forlornly. His feelings of disappointment soon turned to confusion, though. "Wait a minute. You're seventeen. You don't have any errands!"

Logan's eyes widened. "Well...um...did I say errands? No, of course not. What I meant to say was that I...have...an emergency meeting of the...Trigonometry Lovers Club. Yes. Trigonometry Lovers Club."

"Ah," Kendall replied with a slight nod of the head. He seemed to be satisfied with that answer.

Logan got up, never letting the journal leave his arms for a second, and started for the door.

"Enjoy those sines, cosines, and tangents, then," Kendall said as he turned on the TV.

"Heh, thanks," answered Logan, but when his hand hit the doorknob, he stopped. "I'm shocked, yet proud, that you even know what those words mean."

Kendall shrugged his shoulders. "You're my best friend. A little bit of you is bound to rub off on me."

"Oh...that makes sense."

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><p>There was no such thing as the Trigonometry Lovers Club. Logan figured he'd check around, though, because if there was one, he'd have to join it. Not only to make sure Kendall didn't discover his lie...but also because that'd have to be a cool ass club.<p>

He sat in a cold, straight-back chair, against a cold wall, in the cold hallway of a cold building. The thought of ditching and getting into some fun-in-the-sun activities with Kendall kept eating away at him, piece by piece, but that old self-control wouldn't budge. He knew why he was here. He knew that it was important. If he were to ever be truly happy again, he had to face his problems head on.

"Logan!" the doctor greeted when he poked his head out the door. "Come on in, my boy."

Dr. Riley was no younger than seventy years old. Way too old to be counseling teenagers, Logan had initially thought. But when he'd decided to find a therapist, all his nerves had allowed him to do was open the phone book, close his eyes, and let his finger fall on a name. It had fallen on Dr. Vernon Riley, and here he was. After their first session, Logan had decided that Dr. Riley wasn't as clueless as his age might have made him look.

Logan took his usual seat on the edge of a small, comfortable sofa, and released his grip on the journal for the first time. Dr. Riley took the spot he always took at the beginning of a session, right on top of his desk.

"So, how have you been?" he asked kindly.

"I've been...good," Logan squeezed out as if the question pierced his brain. "No, I haven't," he quickly corrected. "Not good at all."

"Aww? What's happened?"

"Well...no, no. Things have been great, actually. Things have been absolutely incredible." He feigned his best smile, but it soon melted into a frown. "Things have been horrible."

Dr. Riley chuckled a bit as he walked over to a large oak chair across from the sofa. He didn't like to sit behind the desk because that could intimidate his patients, so he'd sit right in front of a large window overlooking the ocean. One of the perks of having a practice in LA.

"Now, Logan, I know you to be a very intelligent young man. At least, that's what I've gathered from the two sessions we've had so far. But, if I can be perfectly frank, I have absolutely no idea what you're getting at."

Logan grinned nervously. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

They really had stricken up such a good rapport. Logan was a bit of an old soul, so he got along well with most older people. In those first sessions, though, he hadn't felt ready to tell Dr. Riley the real reason why he had to seek help. Oh, he had told the doc all about how he'd gone from being a hockey player in Minnesota to a singer and dancer in LA...

_"Kendall's the whole reason why we're here. He's always looking out for us, you know. He always puts his friends first."_

...and he'd told him that sometimes he felt like a fish out of water in sunny California...

_"Kendall's a natural, though. He's always in the pool or at the beach. He fits in like a native."_

...and he'd told him that being "the smart one" sometimes bugged him...

_"Carlos teases me because sometimes I'd rather read than play video games, but Kendall always makes him knock it off..."_

...and, last but not least, he'd told Dr. Riley about his awkwardness around the opposite sex...

_"But Kendall...he can get any girl he wants. All he does is turn on the charm, and she's his. That's how he got Jo."_

But now, on session number three, and as things were starting to wear him down around the Palm Woods, he felt it was time to swallow his apprehension and go for broke. He knew it was time to do it, but he was still scared and unsure. He'd never shared these feelings with anyone before, so merely saying them aloud was going to be a struggle.

He inhaled and exhaled deeply.

"Remember how in my first session you said that I could come here and just talk...talk about anything that might be bothering me?" he asked.

Dr. Riley's lips slowly turned into a grandfatherly grin. "Yes, I remember. That's what counseling is all about."

"Yes, of course," Logan said, blushing. "It's just that...well...I have sort of a doozy here."

"Just take your time. I'm sure it's nothing that I haven't heard before."

"Okay," Logan said. Inhale, exhale. He knew that this was it, but still...it felt like something someone else was responsible for. It was his problem, his issue, his drama, and he knew that the only way he could fix it was to talk about it, but if only someone else could start it off. If someone else could just say the words "I love Kendall" for him, he'd be fine to fill in the rest of the blanks. But there was no one else, so...

"Remember how I told you about my friend Kendall?"

"Yes," said Dr. Riley. He was very rarely impatient, and though it was easy to get annoyed by stuttering teenagers, he'd gotten used to them and their little quirks over the years. In a way, they were endearing.

"I think I might have feelings for him," Logan suddenly blurted out. It felt like the words had come from somewhere outside of him, but he knew he'd said them, and then he corrected them. "Actually, I'm pretty sure of it."

Dr. Riley slowly nodded his head and shifted in his seat. He'd seen this coming from a mile away. By the time Logan had mentioned Kendall's name for the fiftieth time in the previous session, he'd figured it out.

"And now you're freaking out," Logan said, his eyes glued to the doctor's response.

"No!" Dr. Riley protested automatically. "No, not at all. Listen to me, since the days of peace and love, I've had young people come into this office with problems very similar to yours. I promise you, it's not weird, it's not strange, and it is nothing new."

Logan sighed. "It's all new to me."

"That's quite all right. This is why we're here. To talk about your problems and hopefully find ways to make it so that they aren't problems anymore." He shifted in his seat again, this time getting into a listening position. "Is it indeed a problem?"

"Yes, absolutely."

Logan leaned back into the couch. He could relax a little now, but he still felt some tension inside him. "I used to think I could handle it, but I really can't. Not anymore," he said helplessly. His nerves made him evade the doctor's caring eyes. "I always figured that after a long enough time, it'd just go away, but it hasn't...and if it won't now, I don't know if it ever will. Each day it seems like I'm falling deeper, and I really don't know what to do."

Dr. Riley extended a calming hand to Logan's knee. "When did you start having these feelings for your friend?"

"Oh, gosh..." Logan began, staring at the ceiling, somehow thinking that would help him remember. "It's been a long, long time. Before I even knew what it was, it was there. I mean, at the time, I didn't know, but looking back...I can see that it probably started at the beginning."

"All right, then. Start from the beginning."

Logan nodded. He was apprehensive about digging up the past, but from day one, he'd known that in order to fix the present, at least a little background would be needed.

He took a deep breath and began to tell the story.

"Well, Kendall and I first met in elementary school. Even then, he was a very...a very magnetic person. Lots of charisma. Just about everyone was drawn to him in some way. The teachers all loved him, all of the girls had little crushes on him, and all of the boys wanted to be friends with him. Of course, I was too busy in my own little world doing experiments to ever care one way or another about him. To be honest, I was a bit of a dork."

"I've noticed," the doctor said, eying the "Math is fun!" bracelet on his patient's wrist.

"...uh?"

"I mean...I remember you telling me that before," Dr. Riley quickly explained. He had a habit of being slightly inappropriate. "Please. Continue."

Logan reset himself in storytelling mode. "Anyway. I didn't really feel one way or the other about him at first. I guess if I felt anything, it might have been a little resentment. Like, why did he get to be so popular and not me? But things changed. It was in the fourth grade. We were in the same class, and we sat right next to each other, and on the very first day, he just started talking to me..."

_The early autumn sun set firmly over the school and cast a golden glow over Mrs. Rebecca Martin's fourth grade classroom. The usual first day chaos was taking place in the room, but Mrs. Martin, a veteran teacher, knew how to keep things in order. She'd put the kids in their seating order and was now issuing textbooks._

_Logan Mitchell (though that wasn't his name at the time), nine years old, sat at his desk. His feet could barely reach the ground, but he was too embroiled in a book about the solar system to notice or care. His big head and huge horn-rimmed glasses looked so awkward on his small body, and his steadily growing reputation as a nerd helped to keep the others from caring about his feelings. But one of the others was unlike all of the rest, and on this day, that one other decided to be the first other to care._

_"Whatcha reading?" Kendall Knight asked. He turned around and took it upon himself to take the book out of Logan's hands._

_"Hey! Give that back!" Logan exclaimed. It was sort of a reflex whenever another kid would invade his space, as they so often did. He'd repeat his demand once more, and then he'd go to the teacher. In the past, he'd just cry, but he was getting used to being bullied, and his skin was getting thicker._

_"Not until you tell me what you're reading!" Kendall announced, a mischievous grin lighting up his whole face. He really meant no harm. This was just his way of getting a conversation started, as misguided as it was._

_"I'm going to tell," Logan said in the snottiest voice ever, and he started to slide out of his desk._

_Kendall gave up. "Oh, here's your book, for Pete's sake."_

_Logan was shocked to see him give up so easily, but he grabbed his book without hesitation. "Who's Pete?" he asked, a question mark still on his face._

_"What?"_

_"Who's Pete?"_

_"Are you serious? 'For Pete's sake.' It's...it's something grown-ups say."_

_"Oh," Logan said. He'd planned to just go back to reading his book, hoping that this guy would leave him alone, but he found himself putting the book down._

_"I know who you are," said Kendall. "You're Hortense Mitchell. I've heard about you."_

_"What have you heard?" Logan asked, but he knew. Kendall had heard that Hortense was a dork, a geek, a nerd, a loser. He sucked at sports, all of the girls thought he was gross, etc, etc._

_"You're really smart," Kendall said._

_"I am not!" Logan protested. Once again, another reflex set into motion. Deny all of their claims._

_"You're smarter than me," Kendall said. "So you're going to help me."_

_"I'm not going to help you cheat!" Logan was beside himself. The nerve of this guy._

_"Cheat! Who said anything about cheating? I know that you're a smartypants, and so when I'm having a hard time understanding something, you're going to help me."_

_There was something about the determined look in his face that made it hard for Logan to refuse him. He'd heard about Kendall, and he knew the guy could talk his way into and out of anything._

_"Oh," said Logan._

_"You really need to lighten up," Kendall suggested._

_As Kendall turned back around, Logan could feel a sudden nervousness within him. Was that...a conversation? With another kid...who was actually being nice?_

_Mrs. Rebecca Martin went to the front of the classroom to begin talking to her students. Little did she know, her seating chart skills had just played a part in the creation of a special friendship._

"At first, I kept my guard up. I mean...I'd gone through a few years of being bullied and tortured and teased by just about everyone in that school. I was just used to the fact that everyone would turn on me within days of knowing me, and I knew this was going to be no different," Logan said. "But it was very different."

"How so?"

"Well, I did help him, just like he said I would. He wasn't so great at math, so whenever we'd have free time in class, while all of the other kids colored and played games, we would be in our own little corner doing word problems. And it worked! It really worked! He went from making C's and D's to getting mostly B's, and he was very appreciative of my help. He'd find me at recess and just ask tons of questions about me. It really felt like he'd taken an interest in me."

Logan chuckled. "We used to play Insect Hospital. There used to be these big grasshoppers that would hop around by the fence, and I'd use pencils and scissors to operate on them. Kendall never thought it was stupid or anything like that, either. Well, I'm sure he did, but he never said anything. He'd just play along with me."

The memory was vivid and clear, and going back to that time, when they were kids, when feelings couldn't get in the way, put a warm feeling in his heart.

"His friends would come over, and they'd ask him why he was wasting his recess playing with me. He'd just tell them to buzz off, and we'd just keep on cutting open grasshoppers and getting to know each other."

_"I think we're gonna lose him!" Logan shouted. "We're gonna lose him! He's losing too much blood!"_

_"But we can't lose him! He was...he still is in the prime of his life!" Kendall sobbed._

_The twitching in the grasshopper's leg slowed down until it came to a complete stop._

_"He's gone," Logan said. "He's gone."_

_Kendall looked from Logan to the grasshopper and back again with panic in his eyes. "Hoppy's dead," he whispered._

_"All right, I'm calling it," Logan said, taking this far more seriously than he should have. He glanced at his Scooby Doo wristwatch. "Time of death...12:17 PM."_

_"More like 'Time of Dork,' you mean," said a grimy voice. Logan and Kendall turned around to see big, hulking Paul Garrett. Standing behind him like sheep were his partners in crime, Calvin and Nicky._

_"What are you doing with this clown, Knight?" asked Paul._

_"Yeah, what are you doing with this clown?" Calvin repeated annoyingly._

_Logan ignored them and quietly put his surgical equipment - grasshopper guts and all - back into his back pack. If he ignored them, they'd go away._

_"He's not a clown," he heard Kendall say. Logan stopped in his tracks, but he still wouldn't face them._

_"Look at him. What in the hell is he doing? Playing with grasshoppers? What is he, a kindergartener?" Paul taunted, preparing to kick Logan's back pack._

_"Yeah! A kindergartener!" Nick stammered. "A k-k-k-k-k-kindergartener!"_

_"Don't do that," Kendall said, noticing Paul's cocked foot. "You kick his stuff, and I'm kicking your ass."_

_"Yeah, right," Paul said._

_"I'm serious."_

_Logan turned to look at the rowdy boys behind him. "Kendall, don't," he said. The last thing he wanted was for Kendall to get in trouble on his account._

_"You better listen to him, Knight!"_

_"No," Kendall said valiantly. "From now on, anybody who messes with Hortense is gonna have to mess with me."_

_"Hortense" incited giggles, but Paul put his leg down and smirked at Kendall and Logan. "You're both losers," he said. "Especially you, Hortense!"_

_Kendall clenched his hands into fists as the dumbasses started to walk away. Logan finished cleaning up the operating table (a stray brick)._

_"Horty, I'm serious," Kendall said to him thoughtfully. "If anyone tries to start anything with you, let me know. I'm not gonna let them mess with you anymore. You don't deserve that crap from anyone."_

_"Okay," Logan quickly said. He just wanted it all to be over. Being accosted by bullies was awkward enough without having someone pity him and feel the need to stand up for poor, weak, pitiful him._

_The bell rang, and they walked back to the school building. It was then that the thought occurred to him. Kendall had just stood up for him...someone had just stood up for him. Maybe he didn't have to fight them off all alone anymore..._

Logan came back and realized that he must have been boring the poor doctor. "I'm sorry," he said.

"For what?" Dr. Riley asked. He didn't look perturbed. On the contrary, he couldn't have been any more fascinated. This was what he lived and breathed for, hearing the details of a patient's history. This was how he did his work.

"I don't know," Logan said. "It's just...no one had ever gone out of their way to be nice to me like that. Kendall was my first friend. My first real friend."

"That's nothing at all to apologize for! At that age, all we want is to know that we're accepted by our peers. You'd gone through such a long period where you hadn't been accepted at all, and then, out of nowhere, this other kid was giving you that feeling of belonging. It's perfectly understandable."

Logan sat in silence for a very brief moment. He'd think about the past every now and then, but he'd done a good job of trying to forget about it all - all of the little things Kendall had done over the years. As fond as those memories were, all they'd ever done was make him want Kendall even more, in turn causing him more pain. But now that he was talking to another person about it, he felt that he could get into details without it messing with his head too much.

"The thing with Kendall is," he continued, "and this is still true today, he never does anything just because everybody else is doing it. When everyone else would call me names and make fun of me, he was the only one who'd ever stand up for me and protect me. Even when they started to call him a dork by association, he didn't care. It was as if he decided for himself that he'd rather be my friend than have everyone else just running around and following him all the time."

"That's a very admirable trait for a person to have, especially at such a young age," Dr. Riley commented.

"Absolutely. Definitely. And I admired him, all right. I was...I was pretty much obsessed," Logan admitted with nervous red appearing in his cheeks. "He taught me how to play hockey, and I had never been interested in hockey at all before, but I was excited to learn just because it meant spending more time with Kendall and building our friendship..."

_"Where are you headed?" Joanne Mitchell asked her son as he headed out the door. She'd noticed for the last few months that he'd been spending more time outside, and she was definitely not complaining, but still, she was itching to know what he had been up to._

_"Nowhere, just going to the park with Kendall," answered Logan. It was summer, so Kendall always wanted to play soccer, all the while counting down to the first big snow of the year._

_"Oh," Mrs. Mitchell said merrily. "I'm glad you've been spending a lot of time with him. He seems like a sweet kid, and it's good that you're being active."_

_"I know," Logan said. "My metabolism has increased exponentially."_

_"Is that a good thing?" Her son always knew how to go right over her head._

_"Yes, it's a great thing, Mom!" His mother always knew how to miss the obvious._

_"Well, good! Listen, why don't you invite Kendall over for dinner? He can come over after you boys finish at the park. I'll call his mom to make sure."_

_Logan thought for a minute. Kendall...in his home? That's what other people did...other people who had friends. They'd invite their friends over for dinner and a sleepover. It was a foreign concept to him, but if he was gonna do it, Kendall would be the best person to do it with._

_"And then maybe he can spend the night one day next week," Mrs. Mitchell added, startling him._

_"That would be awesome!" Logan exclaimed. "I'll ask him!"_

_Kendall had loved the idea, and so did Mrs. Knight. The following week, Kendall rolled out a sleeping bag on the floor of Logan's bedroom. In the darkness of the room, he felt it in himself to say something he knew Logan might appreciate hearing._

_"Hey, Horty," Kendall called out._

_"Yeah?" Logan asked. He'd been so nervous. He'd hidden all of his dorky gadgets and all of his nerdy books, just in case Kendall might find something weird. He wanted so badly for this to turn out well._

_"I don't know if I've ever told you this, but you're not so bad for a dork," Kendall said_

_A terrified Logan didn't respond. Kendall had just called him a dork, and it felt like a knife in the back._

_"I'm kidding! Just kidding. About the 'dork' part, I mean. You are not a dork! You're a pretty cool guy, actually," Kendall explained, and he felt a pleasing sense of benevolence in his own body just as Logan felt relief in his own._

_"Really?" Logan asked, just a little bit in disbelief._

_"Yeah. I'm glad I got to know you," said Kendall._

_That night, Logan could hardly sleep. One of the coolest guys from school was in his house, sleeping in his room! Never in a million years would he have guessed this would happen, but he wasn't questioning fate. He was too happy to wonder about the hows and whys. He was too happy to think that there was anything strange about the way he silently watched Kendall sleep on the floor next to his bed._

In the present day, Logan sat still. "From that moment, I knew he was my best friend."

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Chapters 1 and 2 were originally written as one chapter, but it would have been too long, so the next chapter will pick up with more of Logan's session with Dr. Riley.


	2. Two Stars

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Thanks for the reviews! Glad yall are enjoying it so far. As I said last time, this chapter picks right up where the previous one left off. Usually, there will be a passage of some time between the chapters. Also, make sure you check out the important note at the bottom.**  
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><p><strong>CHAPTER TWO<strong>

Dr. Riley smiled. He always smiled. Sometimes, it was just a way to let the other person know that he was listening and comprehending, but most often, he'd smile because he truly felt the patient's joy, and in this case, he could understand and appreciate how Kendall had changed Logan's life. "When did you start to feel that you wanted more than a friendship from Kendall?"

Once again, Logan looked to the ceiling as he gathered up an answer. "A few years later. It was in junior high, so we were about thirteen or fourteen. Things had gotten so much better for me by then. I mean, people were nicer to me, they didn't pick on me as much. I guess when you need an A+ to pass eighth grade science, you learn to be nice to the smartest guy in school. So yeah, things got better."

"Do you feel that being friends with Kendall helped that?"

"Absolutely," answered Logan. "Definitely. People looked at him, still, as this great, popular guy, and so when they realized that he was pretty serious about being friends with me, they started to think...you know, maybe I wasn't such a dork after all. And plus, I finally got rid of that hideous name."

"What name?" Dr. Riley asked.

Logan winced a little, preparing for a loud giggle fit to come from the doctor. "Hortense."

Dr. Riley stared blankly. "That was my grandmother's name."

Logan's eyes widened. He didn't know how to or if he even should respond to that.

"But this is good!" Dr. Riley suddenly said. "I'm glad they were able to see that you are indeed a good person." It was a very nice compliment, but it was sincere and honest.

"Thank you." He blushed a little but continued on. "I learned to loosen up a great deal, especially around Kendall. I felt much more comfortable around him. We'd had enough sleepovers and camping trips to really get to know each other, and so I finally accepted that he really was my friend because he wanted to be my friend. Not because he pitied me or felt sorry for me. This was also around the time we started hanging out with Carlos and James. They'd always been around, and neither one of them had ever been too mean to me, so I guess the more we got to know each other, the more the four of us became friends."

"Did you ever feel threatened by them coming into the friendship you had with Kendall?"

"You know, I might have, but only for a second. No matter how close we all got, and we have gotten extremely close, I always knew that what me and Kendall had was on a different level, and it was just an understood thing. We're all friends, but Kendall is my best friend."

"Okay, good. Continue."

Logan took a minute to get back on track. Thinking about how different his friendship with Kendall was from his friendships with the other two - not to mention, their friendships with Kendall, and even their friendship with each other - made all of those butterfly feelings float around in his stomach again. What he and Kendall had was different...it just was.

_"I can't believe it!" Kendall exclaimed. "The first rain-free day in weeks, and we're stuck here washing my mother's car."_

_It was in the middle of summer, but it was indeed the first beautiful day in weeks. The sun was out, the birds were singing, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It was hot as hell, but it was what summer was all about. Thirteen-year-old Kendall had imagined he and Logan going to the city pool or something, but he'd forgotten a promise he'd made to his mother. She hadn't forgotten, though._

_"You made a promise," Logan said as he soaked his sponge in a bucket of soapy water. They began to wipe the car down._

_"Yeah, I guess," said Kendall. "You really don't have to help, you know. Isn't there some kind of mad scientist thing you could be doing right now?"_

_"Har har," Logan deadpanned. "No. Besides, it's too hot to stay in the house."_

_"Wow. I never thought I'd hear you say something like that."_

_They scrubbed and scrubbed all over the car. The wheels, the doors, the windows, the hood, the trunk, the roof, and everywhere else. They worked in silence because the heat made it too much work to talk. The work would get done faster if they refrained from getting sidetracked anyway._

_When they were done, the car sparkled in the sunlight. A perfectly spotless navy blue. All that was left was ridding the car of some stray soap suds._

_"Watch out," Kendall said as he grabbed the hose. Logan was getting some final grains of dirt off of the hood ornament. He backed out of the way so Kendall could rinse the car off, but, without warning, Kendall pointed the hose straight at him and turned it on full blast. The water shot right at him, instantly soaking him from head to toe. Logan was livid._

_"Kendall! What do you think you are doing?"_

_"Having a little fun!" Kendall yelled like a wild man over the sound of the spraying water. He laughed like a giddy schoolgirl as Logan tried unsuccessfully to get away from the stream of water._

_"You little-!" Logan screamed and charged at Kendall, who dropped the hose. The water shot straight into the air, falling down on them like their own personal shower. It wasn't long before Logan's anger dissolved into laughter._

_"I'm gonna get you back!" Logan swore. He picked up the hose and pointed it at Kendall, who was way too bold to be scared of a little water. He pretended Logan was a photographer, the hose his camera, and he posed right in front of it like a model, making Logan giggle even more. "You're such a ham."_

_"Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful," Kendall affected._

_The excitement died down, and by the time it was all over, they stood as two waterlogged monsters, but neither one seemed to care. What could have been a boring hour spent washing a car had suddenly become yet another one of their hilarious adventures._

_"I need to get out of these clothes, or I'm gonna be sick," Logan said as they sat on the ground._

_"You worry too much," said Kendall. "It's just a little water."_

_"And I can contract just a little pneumonia!"_

_"Fine, then. Strip. Take it all off!" Kendall rolled up his towel and snapped at Logan's scrawny chest. "Show me some skin!"  
><em>

_"Great, then I get melanoma," Logan awkwardly retorted, pointing to the bright orange sun. He couldn't keep his eyes still as Kendall began to take his own shirt off.  
><em>

_"Jeez," Kendall said playfully, getting up to start drying the car off. "Go get a shirt out of my room...Hortense."_

_"I told you not to call me that!" Logan shrieked as he got up and started for the house._

_"Then stop acting like a Hortense!" Kendall called back at him. He quickly grabbed the hose and sprayed it at Logan before he could get inside._

_In the Knights' kitchen, Logan stopped and turned to look out the window. In just a few tiny minutes, an average day had turned into one he'd never soon forget. He felt so silly because all they'd done was shoot some water at each other, but he didn't care...it was fun._

_He looked at Kendall. His body, his face, his hair. It was the way every guy wanted to look...just perfect. No wonder all the girls wanted him...Logan could totally understand why. Of course, he couldn't possibly be attracted to Kendall "that way," but he could certainly see why girls would be. But most of those girls only wanted Kendall for his body, for his status in their school. Only Logan knew the real inner beauty of Kendall Knight. Only Logan could connect with him on a deeper level. He had something that none of those girls would ever have...good memories like this one. He knew that he and Kendall would look back on this day years later and laugh just as loud as they had today. Together._

"Everything in my life was going great," he continued. "Except for one thing. Girls. Kendall and James and Carlos were crazy about them. Me, though? Not so much. And it's not that I didn't like them or anything, it's just that...I didn't really care. I was too busy thinking about other things."

"Kendall."

"Organic chemistry." A beat. "And Kendall."

Dr. Riley made a knowing glance.

"Yeah," said Logan. "See, when I'd see Kendall with girls...talking to them, flirting with them, hugging them...and when he'd tell me about the dates he went on, I'd just feel like...that was supposed to be me! The one he was spending all of this time and energy on...that was supposed to be me."

He thought for a moment, making himself go unwillingly back to stress-filled days of realization.

"Of course, I fought it at first," he said to Dr. Riley, trying his best to explain how his fourteen-year-old mind had worked. "I mean...come on, this was my best friend. I knew him too well. I'd seen him drool, I'd seen him vomit, I'd heard him fart a million times. How in the world could I be...you know...how could I ever like him that way?"

"But how could you not?" Dr. Riley asked, knowing full well that Logan knew full well just how and why he could love Kendall. "After all of the things he had been to you and for you, how could you not?"

Logan smiled and nodded. "We knew each other so well. He knew I wanted to be a doctor before I did!"

"You want to be a doctor?" asked Dr. Riley, brimming with a sudden pride.

"Yes! A real doctor, though, not like..." Logan said, but then he caught himself. "I mean...um...yes, I want to be a doctor. And that was the plan. He'd be pro hockey, and I'd be a surgeon."

"Oh, a surgeon." Dr. Riley rolled his eyes. "That's a 'real doctor.' Fine."

"I'm sorry about that. I really didn't meant to-first, with your grandmother, and now this-"

"Oh, it's fine, Logan!" Dr. Riley exclaimed, letting go of his pretend resentment. Jeez, this kid really didn't know how to take a joke sometimes. "Continue."

Logan reset himself. "The more I accepted it, the more it made sense. I mean, he was the only person in my life, besides my parents, who really cared about me. Carlos and James were great, and they still are, but Kendall was just different. And it drove me nuts. I'd see him, and my heart would start beating a thousand times per minute. Which, by all accounts, should have sent me into cardiac arrest. See, the heart should only pump-"

"Just continue, Logan."

"Sorry," he said. It was easier to talk about the actual human heart than it was to talk about the romanticized concept of the heart. "My palms would get sweaty, I'd start to stutter. Any time I was around him, I'd get much more self-conscious. I'd always worry about saying the wrong thing or doing something stupid. And it had been like that before, earlier on when I was still nervous about just being friends with him, but now it was different. It was less about wanting him to think I was cool as much as it was about wanting him to look at me as someone he could...someone he could be with."

"You were in love."

Logan nodded sullenly. "I was."

_Sophomore year. They were fifteen years old._

_The football team had just won their seventh straight game. They were undefeated, and all of the students were high on excitement and pride. Kendall had dragged Logan out of the house to go to the game, but now, as they were filing out of the stadium, he knew his best friend had enjoyed every minute of it._

_"I never knew football was such a mathematical sport," Logan said with a deep-seated energy in his voice. "The angles, the yard lines, the scoring system...it's all very exciting!"_

_"Sure," said Kendall. He never made fun of Logan for being such a math geek, but he could never help but be amused by how fervent numbers and symbols could make him. "Hey, you wanna walk to the park?" he asked._

_"The park? Isn't it a bit late to go there?" asked Logan._

_"So?" Kendall said. That one word, with the question mark planted firmly beside it, made Logan's heart flutter.  
><em>

_They trekked to the nearby park and sat on the swings._

_The sky was reaching midnight blue, with only a crescent moon providing illumination. The fresh Minnesota air was crisp and cool, and it made them both tremble a little in their jackets, but Logan trembled just a little bit more. He sat there trying his hardest to keep his cool, trying his best to seem normal, to seem the way any typical guy would seem when sitting and talking with his best friend, but he knew he wasn't normal, and neither was the way he felt about Kendall. He just couldn't say it, not even to himself._

_They both looked out into the night, but Logan could see Kendall through the corner of his eye. The image of mellowness, coolness, and placidness. The image that stirred within himself a melee of emotions._

_"The world's a big place," Kendall suddenly said._

_"Huh?"_

_"I said the world's a big place. But I guess someone as smart as you knows that."_

_"Yeah," Logan answered, glad that there was now a conversation to take his mind away from his thoughts. "Surface area of about two hundred million square miles, actually. Give or take a couple million."_

_Kendall laughed. "I figured you would know." Pause. "You see those two stars up there?"_

_He pointed to two particularly shiny stars right above them, and Logan nodded._

_"I think we're the only two people in the whole wide world who's looking at them right now," Kendall said._

_Logan got carried away for a second in the romantic nature of what Kendall had said, but then he came back to reality because any romance had to have been purely unintentional. "I'm sure there are a few million people looking at those stars tonight."_

_"Nope," Kendall said matter-of-factly. "It's just you and me and those stars right now, bud. I can feel it. No one else in the world knows about them but you and me."_

_Logan just looked at the two stars. He couldn't bear to look at Kendall because then he would have wanted to do something or say something he'd regret. Hell, even just looking at the stars made him want to do and say those things. He wanted to touch Kendall's knee, his hand...he wanted to say exactly what he felt at that moment. But what did he feel? Was he ready to finally admit it to himself, at least?_

_I love him, Logan thought. I love him...and I want to spend the rest of my life with him._

_The words he needed to say aloud to Kendall, though, were never said.  
><em>

Logan shook his head furiously, trying his best to rid the memories from his mind. No, no, no, he told himself. I wasn't supposed to feel any of this anymore...I came here to get rid of these thoughts.

"What's the matter?" Dr. Riley asked.

"I'm just...I'm remembering stuff that I've been trying so hard to forget," Logan said in anguish. "Stuff that I really don't want to talk about."

"Okay," Dr. Riley said quickly and without argument. "We don't have to talk about it."

He was a bit let down that Logan was ready to abandon the story at this point. There were questions still unanswered - how had his feelings for Kendall changed since they moved to California? Did they change? But as a professional, Dr. Riley knew that it was always best to let the patient guide the session. The answers would come in time.

They sat in silence for a while.

Logan needed a minute to sort it all out. God, he loved Kendall. He loved that damn boy, and it was tearing him apart piece by piece. Every freaking smile, every freaking glance, every freaking accidental body-on-body contact. Kendall was there every single day, not always a ray of sunshine, but still a loving and loveable presence. Kendall and his drive, Kendall and his gallantry, Kendall and his rebellious nature, Kendall and his refusal to let anything ever stand in his way, and then the Kendall that few people got to see. Kendall and his compassion, Kendall and his grace, Kendall and his comforting words, Kendall and his loyalty, Kendall and his...intimacy. His arm around your shoulders when he knew you were having a bad day, his readiness to make his own happiness completely dependent upon yours.

But none of this was new to Logan...he'd been feeling this way about Kendall for so long that it was just natural now. But regardless of how much he loved Kendall...regardless of how much he wanted to show Kendall the depth of his love, in those erotic ways that require no words, he knew he couldn't. That would be too much drama, too many risks, and too many explosions happening one after the other.

Once upon a time, he'd let himself think that Kendall could share his feelings. Oh, the dreams he'd have of the two of them living together until the end of time...but self-control had always been there to remind him that those dreams were never going to be anything more than just that - dreams. Kendall Knight, the hockey player, the ladies' man, Mr. All-American, could never be in love with a confused little boy like nerdy, dorky Hortense Mitchell.

And so he'd come to a conclusion. The only solution, the only real option here, was to grow up, get over it, and move on with his life. Kendall had been an incredible friend, but that was all he would ever be, and it was time Logan realized that. At least, that was what he'd been telling himself. Truth be told, there was a much more concrete reminder that Kendall could never be his, and her name was Jo Taylor. Logan didn't hate her, but he didn't like her, and it wasn't even jealousy as much as it was the way she treated Kendall - lying to him, bossing him around, being too damn stupid to realize that he would never do anything to hurt her. Either way, she was there, and even though she didn't know it, she was the ultimate personification of Logan's heartbreak.

Logan knew that pining away for Kendall for the rest of his life wouldn't be living at all, but he had no clue how to go about erasing all of the deeper feelings he had for Kendall. He didn't want to lose Kendall as a friend...he couldn't bear the thought. But he knew drastic measures would have to be taken because Kendall's friendship was enough. It was enough to make him love the handsome devil, and it was enough to stop any efforts to get over him dead in their tracks.

So he had a problem. Logan was the smartest person he knew, and he could figure out a word problem in thirty seconds, balance an equation in a minute, list all of the US Presidents in order of their birthdays in five minutes, and write a hundred-page essay on the complete works of William Shakespeare in a day. But when it came to matters of the heart? He had not a single clue.

"I need help," he said in a serious tone. "I need to get over Kendall, and get over whatever feelings I have for him, and make it so that when he smiles at me, I can smile back without...without going completely crazy."

A concerned Dr. Riley nodded valiantly, also taking a moment to think. This poor boy, he said to himself. This poor boy thinks he has the answer, but he's nowhere near the mark. He wanted so badly to tell Logan the truth, that he was wrong, that this whole idea of getting over someone you love never works. But his own self-imposed practices required him to stay quiet and let his patients make their mistakes. Only then could they learn from them.

"Well," he said hesitantly, noticing the clock, "it seems to me that you know what you want to do."

"It's what I have to do," Logan answered immediately, trying to convince himself as much as the doctor.

Dr. Riley nodded again, still concerned. "We're out of time for this session," he said regretfully. He rose and went to his computer. "Now that we've discussed some of the background of your problem, next week we should be able to think about how to solve it."

"Okay," said Logan. In that moment, he knew that his choice to come here and get help had been a great one. The perfect first step into the right direction. Sure, it'd take a little time, but it'd be worth it. Things could be normal, and he wouldn't have to worry anymore.

Dr. Riley pulled up his appointment calendar on the monitor. "Tuesday afternoon, three-thirty," he offered.

"That's good," Logan agreed.

"Great," the doctor replied. He entered in the appointment then turned to Logan. "Until then, I want you to think about the things you've talked about today. Don't dwell too much on them, but just keep thinking. Perhaps you may start to see things a little more clearly."

"Oh, I think things are pretty clear as they are," said Logan.

Dr. Riley tried his best not to look at Logan with too much pity, but sometimes he couldn't help it. These kids were always setting themselves up for drama. "Well...just pay attention. Pay attention to everything."

"I will," Logan promised. He knew that Dr. Riley would soon understand that things just were the way they were. No amount of attention or clarification would change it. He loved Kendall. Kendall would never love him. So he had to stop loving Kendall. The only question was "How?" and after a few sessions, it would be answered. Again, he mentally pat himself on the back for making the smart decision to come here.

"Take it easy," the doctor called out after him as he went for the door.

"Yes, sir," said Logan. "I will."

And just like that, the session was over. Dr. Vernon Riley sat at his desk just a little while longer. Yeah, he'd known within the first few minutes of their first session why Logan was there. In all his years in this business, he'd learned how to spot a young man in love with another young man. Knowing how to recognize it never made it any easier to deal with, though, because they were always so different and unique.

In 1965, it had been Billy, a surfer dude who wanted to "ride waves" with his biggest rival. In 1979, it had been Robert, a snobbish prepster set to inherit his father's law firm. He'd been in love with the Mexican gardener. In 1992, it had been Joshua, the guy from the wrong side of the tracks who'd wanted his girlfriend's brother. In 2005, it had been Kyle, the hulking wrestler who'd had an adorable crush on the scrawny chess club president.

There had been about a hundred others over the years, and now, in 2011, it was Logan Mitchell, the very smart, but very shy, singer/dancer who was in love with his band mate and best friend. Dr. Riley knew what he would have done in that situation - just plain tell the guy. Hell, for all Logan knew, Kendall could be gay. From what he'd learned about their friendship, it wouldn't have surprised Dr. Riley one bit. And even if Kendall wasn't gay, after all the years of friendship they'd shared, would he really have a negative reaction? The only way to know anything for sure would have been to just tell him, and Dr. Riley would have advised that, but the patient always had to be in control, no matter what. Pushing them, forcing the issue...it could very easily lead to disaster.

So Logan wanted to get over his feelings for this other boy. Fine enough. It was never going to happen, and the doctor knew this, but he knew that Logan would find out the hard way.

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Chapter 3 will involve a dream sequence, but I'd like to know what you guys want to see. The original version is VERY heavy on smut. Like...cold-shower smut. I read some other fics to get some motivation for it, and I got very carried away to the point where I thought maybe it'd be too much smut. But then I was like...is there such a thing? For some people, there is, so I wrote a cleaner version. The outcome/purpose of the two versions are **completely identical**, so the story isn't affected by which one yall pick.

So, basically, your choices are:

Version 1 (Smut-Lovers' Smut...with Extra Smut!) - A long, sometimes rambling, gratuitous description of how two young men who really, really like each other would "get'er done."

Version 2 (Diet Smut Light...with 75% Less Smut!) - A shorter, more to the point, somewhat bland account of how two young men who really, really like each other would "have relations."

Whichever one gets the highest number of votes will be posted as Chapter 3, but I'm thinking the losing version will most likely get tacked on as a bonus after the story is complete.

Thanks for reading! :)


	3. Nightmare

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Thank you to everyone who is reading, favoriting, and reviewing! You guys know how to make a person feel welcome :) Well, anyway, here it is, the chapter you all voted for! Another warning: this is RIDICULOUSLY dirty. Just...ridiculous lol If you're not into long, detailed descriptions of sex, then feel free to skip all the italicized portions. There won't be a whole lot of sex/smut in this story, so I wanted to make the little bit that is in it good! Let me know what you think!**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>CHAPTER THREE<strong>

For Logan, telling the story of how he'd fallen so deeply in love with Kendall had been akin to getting a shovel and digging a hole to China. Just digging and digging, bringing up more dirt that he'd tried to keep buried, and eventually reaching an inner core of molten heat.

In the years following the acceptance of the fact that he indeed liked Kendall "that way," Logan had gone through a lightning-quick sequence of feelings, emotions, conclusions, assumptions, and drama. At first, he'd foolishly believed that if he was in love with Kendall, Kendall could be in love with him. It had made sense at the time, and the more he had become comfortable with the idea of being "Kendall Knight's boy," the more he would allow himself to dream and fantasize about Kendall returning his feelings.

But the girls. Kendall liked the ladies, and they liked him, and Logan had been witness to it nearly every day. Kendall going to the movies with this girl, going to dinner with that girl, inviting them over to his house to meet his parents, etc. They'd always been there, and Logan had always watched, silently, in the background, hoping...praying that the day would come when Kendall would realize that the one he needed, the one who loved him more than anyone else, was right there all along...just wrapped in a package he hadn't been expecting.

And so what if they were both guys? Logan had come to the realization that he could love anyone, no matter what their sex or gender was. All that mattered was the feeling, the emotion, the love. Not like it mattered anyway. His attraction to guys was exactly the same as his attraction to girls - ultimately meaningless because nothing could compete with his attraction to Kendall.

Yes, Kendall liked the girls, and the girls liked Kendall. By the time they'd entered high school, Logan had slowly accepted that Kendall would never feel the same as he, so he'd settled on going on without ever loving anyone. If he could not have the one he wanted, why have a cheap replacement? He would have never been able to give himself completely to that poor person, whoever he or she would have been, so what would have been the point? He'd fill his life with books and knowledge. Some days would be better than others, but he'd still have Kendall's friendship, and that would have to be enough.

Of course, that was easier said than done. He'd gotten the hang of it all through the move from Minnesota to California, and even when Jo had come into the picture, he'd been able to accept her relationship with Kendall. See, Logan had come to the realization that all he really wanted was for Kendall to be happy, even if that meant being happy with some girl who would never fully appreciate the amazing young man who was her boyfriend. It hurt him sometimes, but every time Jo made Kendall smile, every time his green eyes lit up in her presence, Logan could feel the fluttering in his own heart. As long as Kendall was happy, he could learn to be happy, too.

And in the future, he'd never be too far away. If some girl ever broke Kendall's heart, Logan would be no more than a phone call, Facebook message, or airplane ticket away. He'd console and comfort his best friend, still fighting a hope that something more could happen, but ultimately celebrating when Kendall would move on to "happiness" with the next ungrateful girl. It seemed to be a sad existence to him, but he figured it was the only way he could live.

But Kendall...Kendall Donald Knight. Always doing those little things that drove Logan crazy. The way he'd stand up to Gustavo, the way he'd take care of his little sister, the way he'd always be the fearless leader of their quartet. The way he'd always plan these adorable, romantic, flawless dates with Jo, with Logan silently imagining himself in her place.

Nights were the worst. Now, instead of having occasional sleepovers, they permanently shared a room. Every now and then, before going to sleep, they'd turn off the lights and sit on Logan's bed, chatting about whatever happened to be going on in their lives. The music stuff, the California stuff, living with Carlos and James, Palm Woods stuff, "the good old days," sometimes a little chatter about Kendall's rocky relationship with Jo. And then, it never failed, Kendall would slowly rise and slowly stride to his bed. "Good night, little buddy," he'd say in a yawn. Logan's heart would get to beating fast as yet another night would slip by without Kendall boldly telling him to "scoot over" and getting under the sheets with him.

But this was why he'd sought out help. Kendall wasn't gay, so that was never going to happen, but Logan was no longer able to live in a state of unrequited love, so something needed to happen. The obvious solution became crystal clear: get over Kendall. And that had become his main goal.

Unfortunately, the visit to Dr. Riley's office seemed to have made things worse than they already were. Going in, Logan had known that the background would have to be addressed - the "story." He'd known that, and he'd thought he'd been prepared for that, but the memories that had flooded his mind in that office never left him as the next few days went on. Little boy Logan and little boy Kendall operating on a spider...little boy Kendall picking up little boy Logan, who had fallen on the ice. Little boy Logan reminding little boy Kendall with care and compassion to remember significant digits. Teenage Logan imagining a future of love and happiness for grown up Logan and grown up Kendall.

Once upon a time, Logan would over analyze everything about his and Kendall's interactions. He had wanted so badly to see signs that Kendall could be gay - any signs at all - that he would dwell on the littlest things. Kendall would smile, and Logan would agonize over it. Kendall would wink, and Logan would agonize over it. He and Kendall would talk about something deep, and Logan would agonize over it. Kendall would put that little inflection in his voice when saying Logan's name, and Logan would agonize over it.

And now, after all this time, that same desperate feeling was coming over him again. He couldn't help it, and, as always, Kendall wasn't making it any easier. It seemed as if in the few short days that immediately followed Logan's visit to Dr. Riley's office, Kendall turned it up a notch on the overly affectionate acts of friendship.

When they played video games, Kendall would sometimes jab him in the heat of the moment. Or was it not a jab...was it Kendall's subtle way of touching the body he yearned to touch?

After Sunday night's dinner, Logan was slightly surprised when Kendall reached for his empty plate and volunteered to put it in the dishwasher. Not only that, but Kendall told him to stay put; he'd get Logan's drink from the fridge for him. Was that just Kendall being Kendall...or was it more?

When they were in the studio, Kendall sometimes had a habit of staring right into Logan's eyes as he sang the most romantic lyrics of any given song. That had to mean something, right? How could it not? If Kendall needed some inspiration to sing, he could have just closed his eyes and thought about Jo. She was his girlfriend, for goodness's sake. And if he needed someone there in front of him, Kelly was never too far away, and she was very sweet and pretty. But he always turned to Logan.

After three and a half days of holding Kendall under a microscope, Logan settled into bed Monday night with a thousand and one thoughts racing through his mind. Maybe it wasn't impossible...maybe Kendall could love him. Maybe he just didn't know how to yet, and maybe he just needed someone to give him a little push. But that would have meant Logan would need to step up and say something. And then it could all blow up in his face.

Logan knew, though, that when Kendall liked someone, he would go after them. He had too much confidence stored in him to ever second guess himself or think that he wouldn't be successful in getting what he wanted. Self-esteem deficiency was Logan's domain, without a doubt. Kendall was much stronger than that, and that was one of the reasons Logan had such a crush on him. Kendall always followed his heart.

Of course, though, Kendall might have had all of that get up and go in him when he was going after a girl, but going after a guy would have to be an entirely different thing. Maybe he was afraid that Logan would reject him. As far as Kendall knew, Logan was straight - at least, that's what Logan assumed. Would Kendall ever be as bold as to make a move on him, not knowing for sure how his dark-haired friend would react? Or maybe Kendall resented the fact that he loved Logan and wanted nothing more than to hate him. But if that was the case, why was Kendall still so...Kendall when he was with Logan?

It was all just too confusing. How would either one of them know that the other one wanted more than just a friendship? One would have to go out on a limb and hope to god that he'd made the right choice. In any other situation, Kendall would have been the one to take the giant leap. But as Logan glanced at the peaceful body, chest rising and falling, in the other bed, he knew that this wasn't like any other situation.

Logan drifted off into his own slumber, finally, at around 2AM on Monday night (or early Tuesday morning). After tossing and turning, sometimes just staring at Kendall from across the room, all he wanted to do was make it through the night and the following day, make his way to the "Trigonometry Lovers Club meeting," and tell Dr. Riley that this was an emergency situation. It was best to keep his mind off Kendall, and he'd only accept advice meant to accomplish that goal. No point in dredging up old memories from the past.

Unfortunately, the tempting seed of fantasy had already been planted, and Logan's heart was in overdrive all through the night. His conscience, and that good old self-control, fought tooth and nail against any invading thoughts of Kendall, but after a while, the dream fairies were in charge, and they weren't gonna let him off so easily.

_Logan entered their bedroom, fresh out of the shower. As much as he loved to beat himself up, calling himself plain and unattractive, Logan Mitchell was no one you'd want to turn your head from. His short but sturdy frame fit snugly into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt ("Abracadalgebra" - with numbers and symbols coming out of a magician's hat), and all of his masculine curves - the firm, developing pecs, the strong biceps, the smooth thighs, the pert butt - were on perfect display. His jet black hair was still a little wet, and the lavender scent of his shampoo was strong on his body._

_Of course, he knew all of this, and he knew he looked good, and so when he casually pranced into the room, he had a purpose. It had been four days, and that was just too, too long to go without..._

_The green eyes were watching him, and those green eyes were hungry. Though Kendall pretended to be hard at work writing in his journal, they both knew where his attention lie once Logan had entered the room. Definitely not on the random lyrics about making tween girls believe they'd always belong to him, that's for sure. In fact, someone already belonged to Kendall, and the lanky, dreamy heartthrob was suddenly in the mood to issue a reminder._

_"Four days," he said maturely to Logan. "That's a long time for us."_

_Logan's head made a slight bob to acknowledge Kendall's comment without fully agreeing. He'd gotten this down to an exact science (of course he would...), and he knew that he had to key Kendall up a little to get him working at his full potential. He had to make Kendall work for what he wanted, and, in turn, he would work for what he wanted - because turning down Kendall's initial advances was always hard work._

_He combed his hair at the mirror, at any minute expecting to feel Kendall's presence behind him, and, sure enough, Kendall stealthily slid out of his bed and, after hitting the light switch and locking the door, approached Logan._

_"You wear those shorts and that shirt, and you...you know what it does to me," said Kendall. His eyes met Logan's in the mirror._

_"Yeah, I know what it does," Logan said teasingly._

_Like it was a part of his nature, Kendall gently placed his hands on Logan's sides and began dropping soft, caressing kisses on his neck. Logan kept up his game, though, and only partially allowed himself to be taken by the passion. He cocked his head a little to the side to give Kendall access to more skin, but at just the right moment, he let out a bored yawn. Kendall ignored it, though, and kept on sucking the neck._

_"I can't comb my hair when you're doing all of this," Logan said dryly, but Kendall's determination and refusal to be fazed by his apathy were starting to break his resolve._

_Kendall moved his mouth to Logan's left ear and whispered gingerly, "I can't fuck you when you're combing your hair."_

_And that was it. Logan was done. The comb dropped to the floor and Logan's fingers began to curl as Kendall's kisses intensified. "Fuck you, Kendall," he exhaled as he turned to face his lover. Kendall's tongue invaded his mouth like the U.S. Army, and it wasn't long before the shorter guy was standing on tiptoes and pressing his own mouth aggressively on Kendall's. Kendall pushed back just as hard until he had Logan's back up against the wall._

_A pair of strong, familiar hands took possession of Logan's posterior, and he willingly worked his hips in time with the hands. A tight and sudden squeeze made him writhe and moan with pleasure. His hands clutched Kendall's shoulders._

_"Mmm, Kendall," Logan quietly moaned as Kendall went back to his neck._

_"You like that, Hortense?" Kendall asked in a low, sleazy, sex-filled intonation.._

_"Yeah," Logan replied breathlessly. His fingers drilled into Kendall's lower back._

_"You still playing hard-to-get?"_

_"No."_

_"Show me how much you like it," instructed Kendall._

_Logan immediately let a rogue hand slide down to the opening of Kendall's boxers, and he placed the tip of his middle finger on the tip of Kendall's exposed head, sending him into convulsions._

_"Ah, fuck, Logan," Kendall groaned. "You always do that."_

_"Mhm."_

_Logan pulled Kendall's undershirt off and threw it to the floor. He went right to work on Kendall's hard, pink nipples, squeezing them, nibbling them, flicking his tongue back and forth over them. Kendall threw his head back in ecstasy and rest his hands in Logan's hair. His fingers journeyed through the raven locks, occasionally getting rough and pulling hard, but then he could feel Logan's head start to move down...down...down._

_Logan licked every inch of Kendall's chest and abs. He got to the shallow navel, and just passing his tongue through once was enough to send Kendall into another fit._

_"Shit, Logan," he said this time. "Keep going."_

_Logan silently continued his duty. He closed his mouth and rubbed his lips and nose in the fine hairs that stuck out of the opening of Kendall's boxers. They were sweet with the smell of Kendall's citrus-and-sage shower gel, and Logan inhaled deeply, ejecting his tongue and letting it make contact with Kendall's steadily hardening shaft._

_"Yeah, you want a taste?" Kendall asked, his erection taking shape._

_Logan answered by acting, opening his mouth and breathing warm breath on Kendall's cock. Kendall leaned over, resting his forehead on the wall, putting Logan in a small, cramped, but extremely arousing, place between the wall and himself. James and Carlos slept on the other side of the wall, but they were irrelevant._

_"Suck me off," Kendall said through his heavy suspiring. "Make it wet."_

_The length of Kendall's seven and a half inches dangled out of the boxers in front of Logan's eager and ready eyes. He opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, using his hand to slowly jerk Kendall off. His tongue played around with the slit in the head, and Kendall's thighs began to buckle, pushing the piece even closer to Logan's face. Logan didn't stop, though, and he kept swirling his tongue over the slit in calculating circles that got more and more abrasive._

_Logan knew what it took to really get Kendall's motor running, though, and while his left hand continued to rub up and down the throbbing member, his right hand squeezed into the boxers' opening and in between the legs to find the sensitive patch of tissue known affectionately as the taint. Logan's forefinger made one long, rough drag from crack to balls, and Kendall caterwauled for a solid fifteen seconds._

_"Fuck, fuck," he swore as he began to back away from Logan. "Your bed. Right fucking now."_

_Kendall collapsed on Logan's bed, furiously yanking off his blue-and-white pinstripe boxers. Logan crawled to the bed from the wall, the boxers landing on his back before falling to the floor. His hands lifted him up over the edge of the bed, and he beheld the glorious, erotic sight of Kendall Knight, his best friend and lover, completely naked, except for a golden cross on a chain around his neck, writhing and convulsing and touching himself all over the bed. Within milliseconds, Logan was filled to the brim with a ravaging lust and went right for the tempting cock sticking straight up in front of him._

_He parted his lips and let his tongue lead the way, taking it all in his mouth and almost gagging on it. He didn't care, though, because his only goal and objective now was to get Kendall to come. He bobbed up and down, tightening his whole mouth around the pulsating pecker, and Kendall's wish was now coming true as his male part was slowly becoming water-logged. Logan held it in his mouth, letting it moisten, and then closed his lips very tightly as he expelled it. Repeat, repeat, repeat..._

_Kendall stretched out on the bed, every inch of his body tingling with excitement and rapture. His legs stretched out over the edge of the bed, and his feet and toes gyrated incoherently. He cooed and moaned and cried and groaned and sighed and laughed and smiled and inhaled and exhaled. He almost came right then and there, but he wasn't ready for this to be over yet. He gained enough sense to pull his pre-cum-covered cock out of Logan's mouth and then pulled Logan up for a nasty, sloppy, filthy, dirty, sexy, mind-blowing, soul-stirring, heart-pounding lip lock._

_"I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you," Kendall declared in that dirty voice that always got Logan's balls jumping. Despite the darkness, the green eyes found the chocolate eyes, and, amidst all the heavy panting and petting, their senses heightened._

_Logan sat up on Kendall's waist and took his shirt off, might as well throwing it several thousand feet to the ground because he felt like he and Kendall were among the clouds. He leaned back over for another blue, titillating kiss, giving Kendall opportunity to push his shorts and underwear off. It was a bit of a struggle, though, as their body heat had produced just enough sweat to make their clothes stick, and by the time Logan joined Kendall in complete rawness, they both needed a second to catch their breath._

_"Kendall," Logan said, a drunken smile coming across his face, "I'm really, really glad you stole my book in the fourth grade."_

_Kendall chuckled breathlessly. "I'm glad I stole your virginity in the tenth ago."_

_They both snickered before sharing another kiss. "I love you," Kendall said seriously._

_"I know."_

_Logan sat up again, but this time he turned himself around on top of Kendall. He leaned over and began jerking Kendall's dick off again, preparing to continue administering his tongue bath, but his attention to his favorite tool was taken away when he felt the warm, wet tongue pierce his sensitive flower.  
><em>

_"Ah, Kendall," he sighed dreamily. "Mmm...mmm...mmm." His own dick grew exponentially in size, and its place between the two guys' abdomens produced shock waves that went through both their bodies._

_Kendall pulled Logan's body closer to his face and away from his crotch, knowing that if he'd been touched for just a second, he'd come, and he wasn't going to let that happen now. Not until he was in him._

_He squeezed Logan's firm, dimpled cheeks, feeling the muscles contort under the pressure of his hands, and proceeded to tongue-fuck his lover more aggressively. The tight pink hole puckered and pursed uncontrollably as Logan's entire body quaked._

_"Ah, fuck, Kendall," whispered Logan. "Get me loose."_

_Though Logan thrashed violently on top of him, Kendall kept calm, focusing on pleasuring his boy's sweet spot and preparing him for the rough, but magical, road ahead. He began to use his fingers, twisting and turning and bending them in Logan, searching for that spot, that one spot that would take Logan to felicity._

_"Shit! Shit!" Logan yelped. He tried to stay quiet, though, because he knew all it would take was one loud shriek for everyone in the apartment to wake up._

_"You like that?" asked Kendall. "You like having my fingers in you, Hortense?"_

_"Yes! Fuck!" Logan said through painfully clamped teeth as he moved his ass back and forth on Kendall's skinny, pointy fingers. "Deeper."_

_Kendall jabbed two fingers in deep, knowing it would hurt Logan dearly, but also knowing Logan loved the pain. He found the spot he'd been searching for and slowly rubbed it, trying his best to imitate the work Logan had done on his taint._

_Logan was in such a far away place that words were unnecessary and impossible. He lay his head down near Kendall's dick but couldn't even get off on it as the only thought in his mind was how fantastic the two fingers working his hole over felt inside him. His mouth hung ajar, his eyes loosely closed. He began to effortlessly kiss and pet Kendall's thighs._

_Kendall finally slid his fingers out, satisfied with the ease with which they moved._

_"You ready?" he asked Logan romantically as he lightly tickled Logan's sensitive and twitching thighs and ass._

_Logan didn't answer with words. He crawled to the side of the bed with gentleness and reached underneath for a small strongbox. As Kendall continued to massage his legs and keep his opening from tightening up, Logan rolled through the combination lock and opened the box, withdrawing a condom. He returned to his seat at the summit of Mount Kendall and stretched behind him to apply the condom. His own rod hung over his balls on Kendall's abs, and the blonde began to stroke it._

_"I want this in me next time," announced Kendall._

_Logan secured the condom and leaned over for a breathy kiss. "You can have it."_

_Kendall reached down and stuck another finger in Logan's hole to make sure it was ready. Logan tickled Kendall's nipples, and their eyes caught for a second. They stared into each other's souls, but then they sort of giggled. No words, just the low, throaty sound of laughter, as Kendall rubbed a little pre-cum in Logan's hole. He stopped laughing and abruptly made a big, hard thrust into Logan's warm entrance._

_"Oh, shit," Logan let out, bouncing up with the rhythm of Kendall's dick. Kendall remained fixated on his baby's blissful face like it was a game he just had to win. His physique worked like a well-oiled machine as his piston went up and down, up and down into and out of Logan. The last thing he wanted to do was slow down or lose intensity, for the most paradisiacal orgasm in the world could be achieved when he fucked Logan so hard that even his own brain would start to lose consciousness. He wasn't gonna cheat himself out of that pure delight._

_"Mmm," he began to mumble. Logan knew it was coming...the dirty talk. All the talk they'd had before was tame compared to the outrageously filthy things Kendall would say once he got himself in Logan. "You like that fucking dick, don't you? All you want for the rest of your life is this dick in your ass, you little freak. You dirty fucking freak. You like me fucking you like this."_

_"Yeah," Logan could only say, because all of this dirty talk turned him on like nothing in the world could turn him on. He was exactly where he wanted to be. His boy was fucking him and talking dirty, he was sweating, and his heart was pounding. Every second, there were what felt like little atomic explosions going off all throughout his body._

_"You're so fucking sexy," Kendall continued, throwing his head back and just reveling in the feel of Logan's cherry. "I always thought you were fucking sexy...with those sexy fucking glasses on your face all the time. I wanted to fuck you when we were ten, damn it. I wanted to fuck you all over Minnesota. You sexy bitch. All I want forever is to fuck you, and then you can start fucking me with that big dick you got. I want you in me."_

_Logan rode Kendall's hard-on like the Lone Ranger. He bent down for a kiss, but Kendall's hands restrained him, and they swapped an obscene amount of bodily fluids as they licked and sucked and kissed each other's faces. At one point, Logan could feel his tongue licking Kendall's eyebrows. He didn't care, though, because this was just too damn good._

_"I'm turning you over," Kendall said. "I gotta ram it."_

_Without even giving Logan a chance to catch his breath, he rolled from underneath him and pinned him down against the bed._

_"Do you want it?" Kendall asked._

_"Yes," Logan answered in the midst of his lovely pain._

_"I asked you a question, damn it. Do you want it?"_

_"Yes! I want it, Kendall! I want it!"_

_Kendall stroked his dick and looked down at the condom he wore. "You want it raw, don't you? You want me to go all in you, and you want it to stay in you. You want me to fucking own you, you freak."_

_"Yes! Yes! Own me, Kendall. I'm yours!"_

_Kendall ripped off the condom and didn't care where it landed. He rest his bulging, quivering erection in Logan's valley and slid it up and down over the hole. "You wanted to play hard-to-get, huh? Two can play that game."_

_"But I need it, Kendall! I need it in me now!"_

_"Yeah, you need it, you little freak," Kendall chortled naughtily, eying Logan's swollen hole. And just like the first thrust, this one was hard and unapologetic. He pushed his bare member into the smaller guy's moist insides and once again sent his lover into the shakes. Logan reached out and held onto the headboard then bit into his pillow, knowing this was all too good for him to not make any noise. He screamed into the pillow and bit the pillowcase._

_Kendall fucked him ferociously. He fell on Logan's back, but kept his hips free to pump in and out of his boy's behind. He rest his mouth near Logan's ear, where he could lick and breathe on yet another sensitive spot._

_"Mmm, so fucking tight, and so fucking good," Kendall whispered. Not as dirty, but just as erotic. "Be my baby, Logan. Be my baby."_

_"Mmm, Kendall..."_

_Kendall's flexible and well-worked waist enabled his flat, but toned, ass to swivel and swirl above Logan's tightening one. If Kendall could see himself, he'd have been shocked to realize all of the muscles that could pop out on someone's ass, much less his, but he wasn't worried about that right now. He just wanted to shoot lots and lots of hot, sticky cum into Logan. He wanted to mark this boy as his, put a healthy dose of Knight in him. And then it began..._

_"It's about to come, you freak," Kendall whispered in Logan's ear. "Don't you feel it? Don't you feel it coming? Don't you feel it jumping in you?"_

_Logan turned his head to its side so he could see Kendall's eyes as he nodded. He couldn't miss this...it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The sight of Kendall Knight reaching climax...releasing every single inhibition, letting go, feeding the lusty beast that took over his mind, body, and soul. Even if Logan's chunky dick hadn't already been hard, even if Kendall hadn't been fucking him like a mad man, even if he hadn't already been living in the land of Eden, just seeing Kendall's orgasm would have put him over the edge and brought him to his own within seconds._

_"Come in me, Kendall," Logan found himself saying. He'd usually left the filthy expressions and declarations to Kendall, but he couldn't help it. The excitement of knowing he'd have Kendall's seed in him was too much. "Make me yours."_

_"It's coming," said Kendall, his voice going up into that upper register that was usually reserved for singing. Just that sound brought Logan nearer to his peak, and he could feel his own juices starting to flow._

_"I want to see you," Kendall suddenly said. He kept himself in Logan but stopped pumping. "I want to see you. I want your hands all over me."_

_Logan struggled to turn over. He didn't want Kendall to fall out of him, because it would have been a tragedy to waste all of that goodness on the sheets, but he had to do without it for just a second as he shifted himself. Plus, Kendall had worked so hard and was so charged that it was hard to move under his heavy body. Still, though, Logan soldiered on and was able to flip himself over under his lover's embrace._

_Kendall spread Logan's legs and pushed them up at the knee to expose the pink flower that enraptured him. His almost-there tool lined up perfectly, and he shoved it back in before he could rob them both of the hitherto joy of a deeper, more mature, more permanent union._

_The eyes met. Spearmint and chocolate. That was the only way they wanted it...they wanted it to be shared, lucidly, between them both. They wanted to see the effect it had, to see the feelings it stirred, to see the fruits of each other's sexual prowess._

_Logan wrapped his legs around Kendall's back, drawing him deeper and deeper inside. Kendall pumped harder and harder until..._

_"It's happening!" Kendall exclaimed too loudly, but he didn't give a damn. "It's happening! It's coming, it's..."_

_He pushed as hard as he could into Logan and felt quick, hot streams of cum exit his body into Logan. He could hear himself wail, he could feel Logan's hand cover his mouth, he could feel the cum shooting out of the dick he wanted to have in himself, and then he could hear Logan wailing just as loud as he was. He went for a sloppy kiss, but it wasn't happening...he was too wasted to aim for Logan's mouth, and it landed on the pillow. Logan's arms wrapped around his neck, and he could feel the soft lips and tongue on his neck._

_Logan was just as done. The feeling of the sticky liquid filling him up had done it for him, but it had been so many things. The way he could feel it move inside him, the way Kendall pulsed inside him, the way Kendall wept and sighed and trembled, the way Kendall sang in his ear, the way Kendall's salty sweat tasted on his tongue, the way Kendall...was just there._

_All that was left was panting. Loud, heavy, guttural, masculine, musical, weak, breathless, lilting, feminine, vulnerable, soft, human panting._

_Logan's legs fell onto the bed as Kendall withdrew from his body. Kendall wore a look of anguish on his face, but he wasn't done. He descended Logan's body just a little, sent his mouth straight to the wet cock, and refused to let go until he could taste as much of Logan's sweetness as possible. Logan couldn't be without his embrace, though, and so he pulled Kendall back up to him, to kiss him, to taste a little of himself on Kendall's lips, to express his emotions. But words would not come to him...he could just look at him, stare at him. This beautiful young man...this beautiful person...he'd spent years caring about Logan, reassuring Logan, making Logan happy, loving Logan, and it was only natural that they would be together forever._

_"Well," Kendall suddenly said, as if unknowingly coming out hypnosis. "I gotta go."_

_He climbed off of the bed and went to his closet to get dressed._

_Logan immediately sat up, confused and scared. "But wait..."_

_"No. No 'But wait,'" Kendall said condescendingly. "You know it's Jo's turn now."_

_Logan rubbed his eyes, and, immediately, Kendall stood before him fully dressed._

_"Get yourself some sleep," said Kendall. "And remember, I left my mark in you, so you're mine now. You can't go anywhere or do anything with anybody else because I'll be in you everywhere you go."_

_Logan couldn't believe it. He didn't know what was going on. Hadn't they just shared a night of passion? Hadn't they just been vulnerable together? Hadn't Kendall begged for Logan to own him in return?_

_Kendall gave him a quick peck on the forehead. "You're a little firecracker."_

_And just like that, he was out the door. With nothing left to do or say and no one there to comfort him, Logan sat alone in silence. And then he began to cry._

Logan woke up in a mess. His head was pounding, his heart was racing, his shirt was damp with sweat. It had felt so real...it had felt like it had actually happened, as if he and Kendall had really did...

But it didn't. They didn't. And what really had happened had happened many times before, but he had thought it was over, that it would never happen again, but...it had. The dreams.

The dreams.

Naturally, they'd started when he had first started to feel closer than normal to Kendall. The thought hadn't occurred to him then that he could be falling in love with Kendall, but a great deal of his inner stress and strife could have been attributed to the fleeting thoughts he'd have in his sleep about kissing Kendall, hugging Kendall. And, of course, as he'd grown older, those dreams had become clearer and more explicit...and more mature. They were always so dirty, so adult, and so unlike Logan's lucid personality. A part of him hated those dreams, and a part of him blamed Kendall for them. Only Kendall could invade his subconsciousness and make him play out those long-winded, totally unnecessary, totally pornographic - totally stimulating, totally sexy, totally hot, totally fulfilling - dreams.

And then, the grand finale. The ultimate abandonment. The kiss-off. Was this his fate? Was this what he had to look forward to? Enjoying these magical moments with Kendall - not sex, not romance, but just the "best friend" stuff - and then watching him go off to spend time with someone else?

A nightmare.

It hurt. It just...hurt. How could he have all of these feelings for someone who couldn't possibly feel the same way? Was that a sign that maybe Kendall did indeed feel the same way? Why would any higher power put Logan through all of this for the sake of a guy who would never ever love him?

It hurt. And it made him mad. It made him angry, and it made him want to seek vengeance. But he didn't know from whom. From Kendall? For making him feel this way? For marking him in his dreams and making it feel so real?

Or maybe from that doctor, that old man. For making poor Logan relive some of the silliest but most sacred moments of his short life and providing the stimulation to bring Logan to the most intimate of places in his dreams.

Or maybe from society. For making it so damn hard for a person to find love with the one they really wanted to be with.

Or maybe from himself. Perhaps that was it. Logan hated himself. For loving this boy. For caring so much. For not being smart enough to remedy the situation all on his own.

He needed help more than ever, and he'd have to let the doctor know the score. It didn't matter why he loved Kendall or how he loved Kendall or how long he had been loving Kendall or how much he wanted to make love to Kendall or how he would have dreams of Kendall making sweet, passionate love to him and expelling his seed in him. None of that mattered.

All that mattered, once and for all, was that he got over Kendall. That was it. That was...just it. There could be no other solution, and Logan had the smarts to know it. With that thought in mind, he turned over and closed his eyes. He didn't even want to look at Kendall sleeping peacefully across the room. He'd seen Kendall enough for the night...he'd felt him enough for the night. Even if it wasn't real, it was enough.

Get over Kendall. Hate him if you must, he told himself. Do something. Anything to get over him. Stop loving him. Look deep inside yourself and erase the mark he left in you.

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> This will be the last chapter that focuses almost exclusively on Logan and his psyche. Of course, our Hortense is the central character, so he'll always be the main focus, but with Chapter 4, the plot's going to finally start moving, and we'll get to spend some time in the other characters' heads. Hope you enjoy :)


	4. Petrified Wood

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** As always, thanks for the kind reviews :) I appreciate them all! The plot starts to move in this one, finally! I hope you guys enjoy!**  
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><p><strong>CHAPTER FOUR<strong>

Logan woke up the following morning with a pounding headache and a sharp pain in his legs. He looked across the room at Kendall's empty bed. What if it hadn't been a dream? What if...just what if it really had happened? What if Kendall was now in another bedroom, in another bed, holding onto Jo?

Today's gonna be the day, he thought to himself. I start getting over him today.

He didn't even want to get up. It seemed like the thoughts were constantly there, from the time he woke up until the time he went to sleep, and today was no different. The dream was still on his mind, but so was his reality. Another day, he thought. Another day of dealing with Kendall...all day long.

But hey, maybe Logan was on to something. Being around Kendall usually made him love Kendall, but with all of the stress that had been piling up in him lately, Kendall's presence had a way of shaking him up and making him feel uncomfortable. So maybe if he lived a little longer with the sturm and drang, he could be classically conditioned to loathe Kendall's presence...thus not loving Kendall anymore! It had worked for Pavlov's dog, so it just had to work for him!

"Yeah...right," he said morosely, knowing it would never be so easy. He turned to the clock and saw "10:22" flashing in his face. He promptly freaked out. The band was supposed to be in the studio for 10:30, and there was absolutely no way he would make it in time! The terrible thought that they had all left without him crept into his mind. "Assholes," he thought aloud. They all knew how tyrannically nuts Gustavo could get over the smallest things, and being late was definitely one of the bigger "smallest" things that could happen.

After quickly putting on some clothes and taking care of his morning hygiene, Logan rushed through the living room out the door, completely missing the sight of his three closest friends, and Jo, relaxing on the sofa in front of the television.

"Was that Logan?" asked Carlos not particularly concerned.

"I think so," James answered, equally unfazed. "And he's going to realize we're sitting here in five...four...three...two..."

Logan burst back into the apartment, blood boiling. "What are you guys doing! We have to be in the studio in," he checked his watch, "three minutes and forty-two seconds! Do you realize what Gustavo is going to do to us if we're late?"

"Chill, dude," James said glibly, too busy combing his hair to really care. "We have the day off. Marathon tanning for everyone."

"What?" Logan asked, finally letting himself breathe at a normal pace as he sat next to Carlos on the sofa.

Kendall shook his head. "Gustavo and Kelly had to fly to New York for business, so we have off for two days."

Logan was relieved, but then alarmed. "But what about...we have tons of work to do!"

"Chillax, broseph," Carlos assured him. "We'll catch it all up when they get back."

"I told them to wake you up," Jo butt in, sticking out like a sore thumb because she was usually doing location work in Macedonia or some other random place.

"And I knew that you had a rough time getting to sleep last night, so I figured you could catch some extra Z's," Kendall added.

Logan was surprised. "Uh...thanks. I did need the extra sleep," he said, rubbing his forehead. I had a rough time getting to sleep last night because of you, damn it, Logan wanted to say. Quickly, he pieced together an excuse for his tossing and turning. "I really wasn't feeling well last night," he said, just to throw off any further questions. "I'm fine now, though."

"Awesome," said Kendall. "Well, we're headed out to the beach for some fun and some sun, and you're welcome to join us."

"Oh?" Logan asked, his curiosity piqued. Kendall and Jo rose from their seats. Jo started for the door but waited for Kendall, who disappeared into his and Logan's bedroom. Logan turned to James and Carlos. "You know, I'm not so sure I want to hang out at the beach with you two. You're bound to destroy...I don't know...the ocean?"

"Har har," said James, rolling his eyes. "We're not going. Carlos and I have a top secret mission to carry out."

"Wha-"

"No questions! You're not allowed to ask any questions! And if you do?"

Carlos jumped in over James's shoulder. "We won't answer any."

They both nodded peculiarly.

"Uh...okay?" he said, only half wondering what in the world they were getting themselves into.

Kendall returned with a beach blanket. "All right, you guys ready?" he asked, turning his head from Jo to Logan part way through the question.

"I'm ready when you are," Jo answered, casually reaching for his hand. They both turned to Logan, anticipating a response.

This was it, Logan told himself. This was the time to test his strength. There had to be no room for compromise. Getting over Kendall wouldn't be easy, but it had to start somewhere. And, really, the sooner he got over the guy - who looked amazing at that moment, by the way - the better off everyone would be.

"I think I'm just gonna hang around here," he said slowly, hoping that it sounded convincing. Then a light bulb went off in his head. "I still...I still feel a little under the weather," he said with a feeble little cough.

"Aw, come on, Logan," Kendall pleaded, gently slapping him on the shoulder. "What's a better pick-me-up than some fresh air and some rays? You stay here cooped up in this place, and you'll never feel better."

Damn it, the green eyes were twinkling. Kendall's hand had never left Logan's shoulder after the gentle slap, either. Damn it, he thought. Damn, damn, damn. He had to fight it...he had to hold firm to his plans. But how could he say no? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Jo was there...Kendall had been spending all of his time with her lately, anyway. Maybe he wouldn't be such a doting (amazing) friend if Jo was around.

"Okay," he finally agreed, and he immediately regretted it. "I'll go change into some appropriate beach wear."

Logan hated himself as he searched for some cool-feeling clothes in his closet. He'd just lain in bed dreading spending the day with Kendall (and his eyes, and his smile, and his voice, and his...Kendallness), and he'd been vowing to himself for days to get over Kendall, and he'd just had a chance to make a giant step in doing just that, and he'd just...melted under Kendall's touch.

But maybe it would be different. Jo would be there...and Logan had come to the realization that Jo made things different. Kendall really, really liked her, and it seemed like he liked her more than any other girl he'd ever been with before. Of course, they all had liked Jo at first, but Kendall had been the most ardent in capturing her attention.

Kendall and Jo hadn't been a problem for Logan, at first. He'd gotten used to Kendall getting excited over a girl and letting said girl take over his life, but there was almost always a guarantee right out of the gate that the girl wouldn't last long. Logan knew Kendall, and he knew the type of person Kendall would be most compatible with (himself, of course). Usually within a day of knowing a girl, he could accurately predict how long the fling would last. But then Jo came along. However she'd done it, she'd gotten Kendall under her spell, and after the first five or six months, Logan had started to get worried. This girl was not like the other girls...this girl, for whatever reason, had the power to come between his friendship with Kendall, and he didn't like it. And he also wasn't that crazy about her. She always dogged Kendall because she had crazy trust issues, and Logan knew Kendall could do better.

But he tolerated her, though, because it was what Kendall wanted. Yeah, Kendall would often whine and moan about his relationship to Logan, but in the end, he always wanted it to work, and so Logan did as well...or at least, he pretended to. As much as Logan would have liked to believe that his lukewarm feelings toward Jo were purely based on her sometimes poor treatment of Kendall, he knew that a lot of it was good old-fashioned jealousy.

When the guys had first come out to California, Kendall and Logan would spend nearly every waking minute of every single day together. In the studio, lounging around the pool, playing video games, talking in their room, going to the beach, the movies, the park, etc. These were their activities. Logan would accompany Kendall to monster truck shows, and Kendall would accompany Logan to the museum. Their friendship had grown stronger with the move, and Logan couldn't have been happier. It had really given him hope that maybe, just maybe, Kendall would someday realize that they could be great together.

_"I swear, Kendall, you really didn't have to come," Logan said for the billionth time. They were already at the museum steps, but he didn't want Kendall to be bored to death all day looking at petrified wood. Not that looking at petrified wood was a boring thing. It was actually amazing. But Logan knew Kendall would probably prefer something more thrilling._

_They sat on the steps in front of the museum._

_"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were embarrassed," teased Kendall. He turned up his nose and looked away._

_"Yes, Kendall, I'm embarrassed," Logan conceded dryly. "I'm totally embarrassed by you."_

_"Yeah," said Kendall. Finally, he could be sarcastic without Logan taking him so damn seriously all the time. "It's okay, though. I understand. You don't want some hockey player from Minnesota rubbing elbows with all of your new smart friends."_

_Logan glowered. "Kendall, I'm a hockey player from Minnesota, too, remember? And, besides, if I were going to be embarrassed by you, it would be over something worse than that. Like the way you ask a million questions."_

_"I do not!"_

_"Yes, you do!" Logan insisted. "You do! Okay, how about when we went to the zoo two months ago, and you talked with the guide for twenty minutes about the digestive tract of the Sumatran orangutan?"_

_"Hey! That guide chick was very hot, and I was trying to get her number."_

_"Sure," Logan said. Crap...just hearing Kendall talk that way about someone else killed his mood. But he wouldn't let it get him down because he'd spent the whole day with Kendall, and there was still more to do. So what if reality spoiled the dream for a spare moment? That hot guide chick wasn't here with Kendall today...Logan was. That hot guide chick didn't sleep in the same room as Kendall...Logan did. That hot guide chick would probably never see Kendall ever again. But Logan would see him every day for the rest of his life.  
><em>

_"Besides," Kendall said, "I thought you would at least be a little appreciative of the fact that your best friend is making some sort of effort to get into your world."_

_"I'm appreciative," Logan said, not as playful as he'd been, but shaking off his over-reactive feelings. "I'm very appreciative."_

_"Then say it."_

_"Say what?"_

_"Say 'Thank you, Kendall, for being an incredible best friend. An amazing best friend! An epic best friend!'"_

_"I am not going to say that," Logan smirked, getting up and starting for the door, expecting Kendall to fall right in line._

_"Well, I guess I'm heading back to the Palm Woods, then. I wonder what Guitar Dude is up to..."_

_Logan turned to see Kendall descending the steps and ran after him. Kendall had him wrapped around his finger, all right. "Thank you, Kendall, for being an incredible, amazing, epic best friend!"_

_Kendall stopped and looked back at Logan through narrow eyes. "Next time we have a day off, we're going to go see _18 Wheels of Vengeance_."_

_"Ugh, Kendall, you know I hate trucker-slasher movies," Logan sighed._

_"Oh? Okay," Kendall said, continuing down the steps. "Have fun playing with your petrified wood."_

_They both stopped cold in their tracks and burst into laughter. The people around them stared, but the guys didn't care._

_"Just for that," Logan said, "I promise to see _18 Wheels of Vengeance_ with you."_

_"Good," Kendall said. They both approached the museum entrance. "It takes compromise for a good friendship to work."_

_"Compromise and inappropriate comments," Logan quipped._

_They laughed again. Kendall threw his hand over Logan's shoulder as they walked through the automatic sliding doors._

Ugh, Logan thought as he put on a T-shirt. Stop remembering things.

Jo had come into the picture and changed everything, though. The beach, the park, the amusement park, etc...all of those places had become "Kendall and Jo" places. When _36 Wheels of Vengeance _had come out, Kendall had gone to see it with Jo. It was as if he had made a conscious effort to replace Logan with Jo, and it was totally working. Logan always knew that the day would come for Kendall to find a serious girlfriend and put his best friend on the back burner, but he never thought it'd be so soon. In all honesty, it had been the pain of being replaced that lit the fire under Logan to start on this quest to absolve himself of his Kendall love.

But that was the point. If Kendall was replacing Logan with Jo, then Kendall wouldn't place so much attention on him, and it'd allow Logan to move on from his adolescent crush. In a way, Jo was essential. If there was no Jo, then Kendall wouldn't have to divide his time between his girlfriend and best friend, freeing himself up to unknowingly turn Logan on twenty-four-seven. Logan would reach a breaking point, and he'd probably come right out with the truth, which was still a scary, risky thought.

As he straightened himself up, Logan wished he could just get back into bed and forget about life. But then, of course, he'd probably have another X-rated Kendall dream. Ugh. If he changed his mind about going to the beach, Kendall would be upset with him...which would have been good, because maybe Kendall would have gotten so upset that he'd start distancing himself from Logan...erasing years of feelings...right?

Of course not. Kendall would understand, just like he always understood. But Logan cared too much about making Kendall happy, anyway, to ever purposely upset him like that. And so he gave himself one last look over in the mirror and went to join them in the Palm Woods lobby.

* * *

><p>The weather was perfect for the beach, but then again, it usually was. It never did rain in southern California, it seemed. Except for Logan, though. Sure, he was surrounded by a bright sun, smiling faces, the laughter of children, and the general carefree nature of summer, but on the inside, his feelings and emotions just poured and poured from his heart, flooding every inch of his body with a surge of stress and depression.<p>

Not surprisingly, Kendall had lead the trio out to his favorite spot on the beach. It was only slightly isolated from most of the other bums, but it was far enough for him to enjoy some of the privacy he could easily get in Minnesota. He'd taken both Logan and Jo, separately, to this spot many times before, and it felt good to be here with them both for a change. They were two of the most important people in his life, so he considered it a blessing to spend a day with them. His favorite friend, his favorite girl, his favorite spot on the beach...nothing could go wrong.

"If I may say so myself," he said, taking in the air as they set down a large blanket and picnic basket, "Gustavo and Kelly could not have picked a better day to go across the country."

"I can't disagree with you there," said Jo. She took off her T-shirt to reveal a slinky bikini top. "Rub me down, Ken," she instructed. The two of them sat on the blanket, and he began to apply sunscreen to her back. She giggled as his hands tickled her shoulder blades. His fingers slipped under the straps of her top, prompting her to give him a warning slap.

"Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying!" he laughed.

"Yeah, well, I sure can kick a guy's ass for trying to get me naked in public!"

Logan tried his hardest not to be a Debbie Downer, but he really wasn't up for watching _The Ken & Jo Comedy Show_. He'd spent time with the two of them before, and each instance had been awkward as hell. Third wheeling it was never fun, never mind his feelings for Kendall. Quickly, he tried to find a way out. Maybe by the time he'd get back, they'd have cooled their jets and calmed down.

"I'm gonna go get us some drinks," he said, motioning to a bar up the beach.

"Oooh, get me a frozen lemon limeade!" Jo exclaimed delightedly. "I've been craving one all week, but I've been doing photo shoot after photo shoot, and they all claim it would stain my teeth."

"Sure," Logan nodded unenthusiastically.

"I'll come with," said Kendall. He pat his hands on the blanket to get the sunscreen off and capped the bottle.

"No, you won't," Jo said. "You're gonna stay right here. I don't need any fans to see you and think they have a chance."

"Wha..?" Kendall asked. "Fans see you all the time, and you can't tell me some of those guys don't try to hit on you!"

"Please. Most of the guys who watch _New Town High_ are definitely not interested in what I've got, if you know what I mean," she said bitchily.

"Well," Kendall said, getting to his feet, "I'm going with Logan."

"Kendall...," she whined. "I want to talk to you. We never have any alone time to talk anymore..."

Suddenly, things got serious and a tad bit awkward. Kendall apologized to Logan with his eyes.

"She's right," Logan said thoughtfully, hoping to quell the unpleasantries. "You two enjoy yourselves. I'll be right back."

Kendall considered it for a second. "Okay. Sure. Get me a-"

"Pink smoothie," Logan said. "I know."

"Yeah," Kendall smiled. "Thanks."

Logan walked off to the bar, leaving the couple unattended on the towel. Let them have their fun, he said to himself. Though he'd gotten away mainly to spare himself the heartache of watching their public displays of affection, he also realized that this would make up a little for the fact that he was out there with them in the first place. Perhaps this "getting over Kendall" thing wouldn't be so hard..

Kendall dragged himself back to the towel and sat down next to his girlfriend. Rarely did she take the initiative to do simple things such as talking. "What do you want to talk about?"

She looked at him with a nervous smile. "Did you really have to ask him to tag along?"

Kendall shrugged his shoulders. "It's not tagging along if I invited him. I just thought it'd be good for him to get out of the house."

"I know, I know," Jo said apologetically. "I'm sorry, and I realize that sounded really bad."

"Then why did you say it?" Kendall asked defensively. Part of it was about defending Logan, but it was also about defending his own decision to invite him along.

"I don't know," she said. "I really didn't mean it, I swear. It's just that he's been acting kind of strange lately, don't you think? Stranger than usual, I mean."

Kendall bit on his lower lip and looked down. He really didn't want to discuss this with Jo, but there seemed to be no way out. Yeah, he'd noticed some strangeness in Logan's behavior. He figured he had a good idea of what was causing it, too, but it wasn't something he felt comfortable talking about with her.

A sort of desperation took over Jo as she looked at him, anticipating some kind of response. It was almost as if she needed to hear him say something or at least see something in his eye to let her know what he thought.

"I've actually been meaning to talk to him about that," Kendall said finally. "I think I know what's going on."

Once again, Jo clung to Kendall's words, but when it was obvious that he wasn't going to elaborate any further, she took it upon herself to ask. "Well? What do you think?"

"I don't know," he said quickly, rising to his feet again. "Let's go dip our toes in the water." He knew he left her hanging, but the subject had to be changed. She didn't need to know about what he thought because it would only make things weird.

Jo was a smart girl, though. Smarter than anyone would ever give her credit for. But she, too, was going to keep her thoughts to herself.

Just as she got up to join Kendall, her phone rang out to let her know she had a new text message. She gave the message a look over and called out to Kendall. "Hey, some of the girls from the show are hanging out on the other end of the beach!"

"You go ahead," he called back. "I don't want Logan to wonder where we went."

"Oh, he'll figure it out!" she said. She'd resigned herself to the fact that Kendall was fiercely protective of his friends, but sometimes it could still annoy her...sometimes it could really bother her. "Come on," she insisted. She picked up the picnic basket and began to roll up the blanket.

Kendall strode back to their spot. "Jo," he said sternly. "I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend today, not all of your friends."

"Yet you brought one of your friends along," she snapped back.

They eyed each other severely.

"If Logan bothers you-," Kendall began.

"God, Kendall, he doesn't bother me," Jo said, trying her best to keep things light. "Fine. If the two of you get bored, you know where to find me."

She carelessly dropped the blanket and basket to the ground and took off walking with her T-shirt under her arm.

"Jo, wait," Kendall called out, but it was too late. Once she had her mind made up, it was made up, and this time she'd decided to be pissed off at her boyfriend. It'd take about a day or two for her to get over it.

With nothing else to do, Kendall took off his shirt, slumped down on the crumpled blanket and gazed into the waters. Part of him was glad she had gone. He needed the time to think. Now that it was clear that Jo could tell something was up with Logan, he knew that it was time for him to say something about it before it got out of hand. He cared about his best friend, he really did, and he wanted him to be happy, but at the same time, it was hard to juggle a serious relationship and a strong friendship. One had to take precedence over the other, and he had no idea which one it would be.

"They didn't have any lemon limeade," Logan said as he approached Kendall. He struggled to hold three cups.

"I'm sorry," Kendall said, taking one of the drinks. "I knew I should have went with you."

"It's okay," said Logan. He sat down next to Kendall. "Where's Jo?"

"She went with some of her friends," he replied. "So much for talking, huh?"

"Heh." Though Logan was glad to see she had gone, he was less enthusiastic about being alone with Kendall. He knew he was being silly, though. The two of them had spent no less than a billion hours alone together throughout the length of their friendship, including about a million hours alone in this very spot. There shouldn't have been any reason for things to be awkward between them, but there was a reason, and things were indeed awkward.

"Well, like I said, they didn't have lemon limeade, so I got her a lime lemonade...which I figure is the same thing...but it doesn't matter because she's not here."

"I'll take it," Kendall said, smiling at his friend's way with words. He put Jo's drink in the picnic basket before taking a sip from his own. "Ah, that's good smoothie."

Logan nodded and took a long drag on his straw.

"Let me guess. Pomegranate and peach."

"Yep," Logan said. "Gotta get those antioxidants."

"Heh."

They sat in silence. Their view was a great one of the sea, and the crashing of waves served as the perfect soundtrack. Kendall had a penchant for getting lost in it all, to the point where he would fail to notice anyone or anything around him. They'd been in California for nearly two years, but still...this majesty of the open water was nothing short of a miracle for a true-blue Minnesota boy. Their home state had ten thousand lakes, but not a single ocean.

Logan tried not to look at him, tried to just mimic his actions and gaze into the great distance, but of course he couldn't. Kendall might have been at his most striking when in deep, philosophical thought. His hair flickered only the slightest bit against a comfortable wind, and his skin was clear. His eyes were as deep as the ocean and as green as an Irish meadow. Logan looked down. Kendall's hand was no more than a few inches away from his own. All he had to do was touch it, hold it, squeeze it a little...and Kendall would know everything. He'd know just how much Logan cared, and the nature of that care. Whatever happened afterwards wouldn't matter because then Kendall would know the truth. He could have petted Logan's hand back or he could have thrown the smoothie in his face, but at the very least, he would know.

"I know," Kendall said suddenly as he turned to Logan.

Words couldn't explain the paralyzing shock that went through Logan's body. "You do?" he asked, every single one of his senses suspended in air.

"Yeah," said Kendall. "You suck at keeping secrets."

"I do?" Logan asked, still suspended.

"Yeah," he replied as he turned back to the ocean. "You like Jo."

"Jo," said Logan. Part of him phrased it as a question. Kendall thought he wanted Jo? But then part of him just declared it. Kendall thought he wanted Jo.

Kendall turned to face him again. "Yeah. And it's okay...okay?"

Logan couldn't respond. He didn't know what to do or say. Of course, he was relieved that this was a false alarm, but he definitely couldn't have Kendall thinking that he wanted Jo. It would be nowhere near as awkward as the truth coming out, but it'd still be pretty uncomfortable.

"Kendall, I don't-"

"It's okay," Kendall repeated as he threw an arm around Logan's shoulders in an effort to prove his integrity. "It's all right, dude. I understand."

Logan protested, sliding out of Kendall's grip. "I really don't think you do," he insisted.

"You're still getting over Camille leaving, and so Jo's the next best thing. I told you, I completely understand. She's still my girlfriend, though, so that's a problem, but-"

"Kendall, I don't like Jo! I like-" He almost said it, almost put it all out there right in the open, but that good old self-control stepped in and saved him from what might have been a disastrous turn of events. "I don't like anyone." He hung his head down and looked miserable.

Kendall was perplexed. He'd thought for sure he'd figured it out. The way Logan would get all quiet and sad whenever Jo was around...the way he'd always protest partaking in any activities with Jo and himself. And Jo had noticed it too. Logan, lonely after Camille's departure, needed a new object for his affection, and so he projected those feelings onto Jo, but he was too nice of a guy to go after his best friend's girl. That was the only logical explanation Kendall could come up with. Well...except for one other thing...but Kendall wasn't even gonna think about that.

"All right, so you don't like Jo. But you can't tell me you haven't been wanting someone to be there for you," Kendall said.

"Sure," Logan nervously responded. He felt backed up against the wall and had to account for something. He didn't like where this was going, but it was better than where it would have ended up had he just said what was really on his mind. Yeah, Kendall would have known, all right. And their lives would have been wrought with awkwardness and melodrama.

Kendall thought for a moment, seemingly working the gist of it all out in his mind, and shook his head. "Dude, if that's what's been bothering you, you should have told me a long time ago. Jo's got a lot of friends that we can hook you up with."

"Nah, I really don't...I don't feel like going through all of that," Logan said. In all honesty, those words were true. He didn't feel like going through anything at all that had to do with love and relationships and teenage feelings. Calculus problems were much easier to solve and understand. Math didn't lie, nor did it ever have to.

"Come on, man," Kendall pleaded, once again throwing his arm around Logan. Logan sat firm, looked forward, and refused to let this skin-to-skin contact bother him. But Kendall's arm felt so damn good. "You're my best friend, and I always take care of my best friends," Kendall said. "You of all people should know that. How many times in Minnesota did I have to kick some ass because people were picking on you?"

"I know, Kendall," he exclaimed agitatedly. He caught himself, though, and looked at Kendall with a sincere face. "But please," he said in a hushed tone, "just let me get over Camille first, okay? I'm trying very, very hard to just...get over Camille."

Kendall nodded and rolled his eyes. Sometimes it was hard to understand a beautiful mind, but he'd spent years learning how to, and at this point, he knew Logan was being serious and wanted his wishes respected. He withdrew his arm from Logan's shoulders.

"All right," he said.

The ensuing silence was not awkward, but it could hardly be considered golden. Instead, it served as sort of a cooling off period for the two of them. Logan needed to get his emotions in check and keep them there. One more word from Kendall, or one more touch, and he would have spilled it all. Death and destruction...in his mind, at least.

Kendall, on the other hand, was wary of carelessly stepping on any landmines, so he kept quiet.

After calming down and feeling alright again, Logan turned to Kendall. "Hey," he said. "What made you think something was bothering me?"

"I don't know," Kendall shrugged. "I sort of have censors in my brain that let me know when something's going on."

Logan laughed. "Oh, really? I always thought some of your wiring was off."

"Yeah, well, I just like to look out for people I love, okay?"

"That's more than okay," Logan said, still laughing at his own joke to fully comprehend the explosive word Kendall had just used. Once he did, he didn't have the massive reaction he might have had. The smile on his mouth just turned down as he stored Kendall's no-doubt innocent declaration of love in his brain, where it would weigh on him more and more.

Logan knew he had a session with Dr. Riley that day, and he knew he was going to go into that office and demand the doctor help him. If not, he'd have to help himself. The "story" had been told already. He figured he'd made it pretty clear how and why he felt so strongly about Kendall, so all he needed was advice. How could he get over Kendall? That's all he wanted to know. Obviously, mid-day chats on the beach weren't gonna help him. Sleeping in the same room as Kendall wasn't helping either, and neither were living in the same apartment as Kendall, working in the same studio as Kendall, or just plain existing in the same universe as Kendall.

Kendall gladly accepted that Logan's problem was simply heartsickness over Camille. It made sense. Camille had been his girlfriend, just like Jo was Kendall's girlfriend. If it had been Jo who had gone off to star in a British soap opera, Kendall knew he would have been down in the dumps as well. He knew Logan would have been there for him, too. So, he took it upon himself to be the best friend Logan needed. He'd cheer his buddy up to forget about the one who'd gotten away, and, hopefully, they'd find a new one for him who was prettier, smarter, and less annoying. They'd find the perfect girl for Logan, the girl that would make him forget all about any feelings he had for anyone else.

For Logan's sake, he thought to himself. And for my own.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> From now on, new chapters will be posted on Monday and Thursday afternoons. I have up to Chapter 9 done, so I want to start spreading them out so I don't get stuck (and I know you guys don't want to be left hanging lol). If I really get into the zone and knock some chapters out, I may post three or four times a week. Happy reading!


	5. Never Leave Me

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Thanks for the reviews :) I know that I said I'd be going to a Monday-Thursday schedule, but in reading over this chapter, I realized that it sort of interrupted the plot with more "background" stuff, and I know some of you are excited for everything to really start moving, so I'm just going to post it today to get it out of the way. I promise, things will really pick up with Thursday's chapter!**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>CHAPTER FIVE<strong>

Logan had tried forgetting Kendall before, many many times before. Almost as soon as he'd been old enough to realize that he'd developed a crush, Logan started ducking Kendall as much as he could. He'd spend more time in the library at recess, more time with his projects at home, less time playing hockey. His phone would never seem to ring when Kendall called him, and every potential weekend sleepover would just happen to fall on a week when the Mitchells would be out of town. Whenever Kendall would bring it up, he'd be lost for an explanation. Surely, he couldn't have just told him the truth, right?

_Mere months before they left for California._

_Logan had spent the entire weekend doing experiments with his pet guinea pig, Strudels. Poking him and prodding him and feeding him and bathing him and measuring him and putting his cells under a microscope. Anything he could think of, he'd do, because he needed as many reasons as possible to stay home this weekend._

_"Hey," his dad said, poking his head in to check on his son._

_"Hey, Dad," answered Logan. "You'd be delighted to know that your hypothesis was right. Strudels did not grow an inch over night."_

_Mr. Mitchell smiled warmly, but he wasn't as concerned about Strudels' growth as much as he was concerned by whatever was going on with Logan._

_"Logan, you'd tell us if anything was wrong, would you?" he asked awkwardly. "I mean...if you were having a problem with someone, you'd let us know, right?"_

_Logan looked up from Strudels' cage peculiarly. "Sure, Dad," he said. "Why would you guys think something was bothering me?"_

_Mr. Mitchell's nervousness wore off a little as he entered the room and sat on Logan's bed. "Well, you've been in your room all weekend long, and I know that the guys are spending a weekend out in the country at Brooke Diamond's cabin. I'm just trying to wonder why you'd pass up an opportunity like that."_

_Logan withdrew himself from the conversation. "I just didn't feel like it," he said with just a smidge of ice._

_Mr. Mitchell watched as Logan fed more food to the guinea pig. He wasn't an idiot...he knew his son was having issues. Of course, whenever Logan was having problems, it'd almost always be connected to the other kids' habit of picking on him and ganging up on him, but he knew Kendall, Carlos, and James, and he knew that those boys were the best thing that had ever happened to his precious Hortense. It had to be something else...or maybe it was nothing at all. Just some average, petty adolescent drama. Nothing to get too worried about._

_Logan's cell phone rang._

_"Hey, Kendall," Logan answered. His voice shook a little, and he looked at his father with a sort of shooing look._

_Mr. Mitchell took the hint and left the room, slowly closing the door. Maybe he and his wife had been worried over nothing._

_"I'm glad you guys are having fun," Logan said to Kendall. "I...uh...I wish I could have been there, but...you know, family matters come first."_

_"Bullshit, Logan," Kendall interjected. Not mean, but not exactly sympathetic._

_"What do you mean?" Logan asked, feeling the rug come out from under him._

_"You pull out that same excuse every time I ask you to go anywhere," Kendall continued. "If you'd rather spend your weekend cooped up in that room torturing your pets, that's cool. Just don't fuckin' lie to me about it, for Pete's sake."_

_Logan was beside himself. How could he respond to that? Technically, he wasn't lying. His uncle was in the late stages of cancer, and the whole family had been on edge, but his mother had insisted over and over again that it'd be best for him to get out and get some fresh air._

_"Kendall, I'm not lying! You know my uncle is sick..."_

_"Yeah, I know," Kendall said, finally letting go of some of his piss and vinegar. "I just don't know why you'd pass up spending the weekend with us. You do know that we're your friends, right?"_

_"Yes," Logan replied. Guilt began to set in on him. How could he have disappointed Kendall that way? How could he have disappointed all of his friends that way?  
><em>

_"And if you're worried about James and Carlos, I told you they're cool. They're not gonna bug you."_

_"Yeah, I know..."_

_There was a fleeting moment of quietness, broken by a question softly asked by Kendall. "If it was just me and you in a cabin in the woods, you'd have come, wouldn't you?" His feelings were evident in his voice...he asked the question not in a taunting way but as a plea. He needed to know that Logan hadn't skipped the trip because of him. He'd spent years trying to earn this guy's trust, trying to show him that people could be nice to him. Every time he'd blow Kendall off, it'd feel like a slap in the face._

_Logan thought about it for a second. He didn't know what would be the correct answer, but he knew he had to say something._

_"Yeah," he squeaked. "I'm sorry."_

_He hung up the phone._

_Turning down the invite hadn't been easy. A weekend away with Kendall, James, and Carlos would have been nice. Swimming in the lake, hiking in the woods, really surviving on the elements like modern day pioneers. But then night would fall...and Kendall loved to be alone with Logan at night. They'd find a safe, quiet place in the woods, and they'd just sit and talk, but Logan would want more...and that want for more would have made it impossible for him to enjoy himself._

_He knew he would have never been able to turn down an offer to spend the whole weekend alone with Kendall, though. That would have been too special, too magical. He would have regretted it, but he would have enjoyed it, because with no one else around, he could pretend that it really was him and Kendall as a couple, not him and Kendall as just friends. Delusional as it might have been. And maybe, just maybe, Kendall would have picked up on Logan's fantasies and played in to them, humored him. Of course, when they'd come back home, he'd be faced again with the reality of the situation as soon as Kendall dialed some girl's number._

_It didn't matter. The trip was supposed to be a trip for all four of them, not just Logan and Kendall. Logan had turned it down, and as he went back to feeding Strudels, he knew he'd made the right choice._

_If only he could stop feeling so damn guilty about it._

Sometimes it seemed like Kendall had a way of controlling Logan that no one else could possibly possess. Had it been James demanding Logan follow him to California, it would have never happened. Carlos, maybe, because he needed someone to protect him from himself. But with Kendall, there was never any question about it. If Kendall asked, Logan would go. And so it was.

Perhaps that was when his feelings had become more pervasive. He'd called Kendall an idiot for initially letting the chance to work with Gustavo Rocque pass him by, but that had been before he could really think about the repercussions such a move would have had on their friendship. The thought of Kendall, his protector, his comforter, his best friend, living nearly two thousand miles away...and the thought of their friendship being tested, only for them to grow up and apart, never to really know each other as fully matured men...that thought had basically enough power to make Logan walk the entire way from Minnesota to Los Angeles.

And, no matter what, Kendall would never reciprocate those feelings. Ever. And this was why Logan had come to Dr. Riley. So that there would be no feelings to reciprocate. But, so far? It wasn't looking good.

* * *

><p>"Last time, you made it very clear what your goal was in this whole situation."<p>

"Right," Logan said eagerly.

It was the usual set-up. The doctor on his desk, Logan on the couch. Logan had already explained to Dr. Riley how the previous session had affected him...how digging up the past only made things worse for him. He didn't want to sound ungrateful, but in a way, he felt he needed to nudge the doctor along to make him see that all he wanted was some solutions. If only the doctor could just tell him, in plain English, exactly what he needed to do to rid himself of Kendall's hold.

"I know it's going to be hard," he said, "but I'm willing to do whatever it is you think I should do."

"You're right. It will indeed be hard, but it's important to remember that it's not up to me to decide what you should do. What do you think you should do?" Dr. Riley inquired.

Logan shook his head. "I have no idea."

"Okay," Dr. Riley said, trying to come up with something, anything, that could help. "Your problem is that you have feelings for someone you don't want to have feelings for. Have you ever considered focusing your attention - all of the affection, and the emotions, and the love - on someone else?"

"Absolutely," said Logan. "Basically, any girl that I've been interested in over the last couple of years has been me trying to focus on someone other than Kendall. I figured, if only I could just fall in love with someone else, then Kendall wouldn't be a big deal anymore."

"I see," Dr. Riley said thoughtfully. "And have you had any success with that?"

"Heh," Logan chuckled. Of course he hadn't. That's why he was here. "Not really."

Dr. Riley braced himself before he asked the next question. In all of his years of doing this work, the one question that had always gotten the most unpredictable responses was the one he was about to ask. Some would get upset, some would just leave the room and never come back, yet some would answer in the most matter-of-fact way without ever flinching. He had somewhat of an idea of how Logan would react, but you could never be sure.

"Have you ever considered...another young man? One who isn't Kendall, but has Kendall-like qualities."

Luckily for him, Logan didn't take it too hard. That's not to say that he took it easily, though. He sat there for a second, thinking about it. In his mind, he knew the answer. Yes, he'd looked at other guys. Yes, he'd thought about how it would feel to be close to them, to touch them, to kiss them. He'd thought about it. But he'd thought the same things about girls, too, and with both genders, the same fundamental feeling was missing. They were all nice to look at, and probably nice to touch, but none of them had that special something Kendall had. None of them.

"Yes," Logan finally said. "Sure, I've checked other guys out. That's what teenagers with hormones do. But none of them are like Kendall...at all. Okay, so maybe, just maybe, there are other guys out there who are more conventionally attractive than Kendall. But I've never wanted anyone the way I want Kendall. No girl, no guy."

"Because your attraction to Kendall is much, much deeper than merely a physical one."

"Exactly. It's about more than that. It's way more than that."

"Maybe if you were to find the right person, an attraction can develop. Probably not as deep as the one you have toward Kendall, not now at least, but something for you to start with. Wasn't there a girl you told me about? Camille, her name was?"

"Camille," Logan said. He had liked her, but she had been so...irrelevant to all of this. Using her as an alibi with Kendall at the beach had been easy because there had been so few feelings tied to her. "That really wasn't a big deal. She moved to England, and I haven't heard from her since."

"I see," Dr. Riley said. "You live at the Palm Woods, correct?"

"Yes."

"All right. There are a lot of young people there. Has there been anyone who has stood out to you?"

Logan considered the question for a second. There were attractive people at the Palm Woods, definitely. The Jennifers were chic and sexy. Guitar Dude was adorable. Various other residents were beautiful and nice and gorgeous and sweet and pretty and friendly. But none of them seemed to matter.

"Not really. I mean...I'm gonna sound like a broken record here, but the only person I ever think about is-"

"Kendall."

"Right."

Dr. Riley sighed. He finally had something to work with. "Well, have you ever thought about whether or not you're giving others a fair chance? I know you have the history with Kendall, and you have years of feelings for Kendall, and I am not, in any way, saying that it will be easy for all of that to go away - if it ever does - but what I think you have to understand is that if you are looking for someone who is going to make you feel the same way Kendall does, you're not going to be very successful."

It was a tough pill to swallow for Logan, but he knew it was the truth. But how could a low-rent Kendall ever beat the real thing?

"You have to give these things some time," the doctor continued. "And I'm well aware of how much of a cliche that sounds like. But you can't turn your back on someone just because they haven't managed to do for you what it's taken several years for Kendall to do for you. You have to give them a fair chance. You have to let people in."

Logan took what the doctor said to heart, but the imposing thought was still there. He couldn't let other people in or give other people a fair chance because he was wrapped up in all things Kendall. If he could get rid of the Kendall obsession, then maybe he could find someone else.

He'd tried it with Camille, but Logan had always considered that akin to putting a bandage on a bullet wound. She had been an attempt to distract himself from Kendall, but that had crashed and burned, so now what? And besides...he couldn't imagine anyone ever caring for him the way Kendall did. The thought of approaching girls (or guys) just took him back to the dorky, gross "Hortense" days, when no one would touch him, much less want to date him.

He wasn't going to say any of this to Dr. Riley though. He could sense the older man getting just a tad bit impatient. Or maybe Logan was just paranoid. Either way, he really didn't want to disappoint anyone with his screwed up feelings and emotions, so he just nodded.

"You know," said Dr. Riley, "it would be nice if life was like a math problem, but it isn't. Sometimes when we compare life to other things, we tend to lose focus, we tend to lose sight of things. Math has rules that must be followed that lead you to a definite answer-"

"No, there are indefinite numbers."

"Indefinite numbers notwithstanding. Math has one answer. Life has many. We must find the answers that work for us."

"Which is what I'm seeing you for," Logan responded, not bitchy or snippy, but in a rather reverent way. "I'm counting on you, Doc."

Dr. Riley was flattered and chuckled. "Yes, well, I'm only human. Remember, the purpose of our sessions is for us to work together to find a solution to your problems."

The doctor walked over to his computer. "I believe it would do a whole deal of good for you to start focusing your attention on other things. Of course, the band is a big part of your life, and therefore, Kendall is a big part of your life. But work as hard you can to find a life outside of all of that. Get out, meet people, and in the process of focusing on other hobbies, you may even find yourself focusing on someone special. No, the years of feelings you have for Kendall won't just disappear over night, but perhaps occupying yourself with someone or something else can be a new beginning for you."

An entire week was blacked out on the calendar. "I'll be out of town for a conference all next week. Do you think you can go a little while longer than usual without my sage advice?"

"Heh," Logan let out. "I guess I have to."

"Fine. I'll put you down for the Monday after I return. Another three-thirty?"

Logan nodded.

Suddenly, he was questioning the wisdom of this whole thing. He figured a professional could help him. He figured he could come here, tell the man what he wanted, and have it delivered in thirty minutes or less. Couldn't he be hypnotized or something? Wasn't there some kind of ancient, Egyptian treatment he could take? Aromatherapy? He was starting to wonder how all of this talking was supposed to help.

He'd heard Dr. Riley's advice, though, and after the session was over, he continued to think about it. Dr. Riley had told him to find someone else or something else that could hold his interest and take his mind off of Kendall. Logan was a bookworm. He liked science and math and history, but Hollywood was so not that kind of town. Most of the people in the local academic organizations were senior citizens. Young people enjoyed the nightlife, but he wasn't a club person, and he only went to parties with...Kendall. So what was left for him to do?

He could just tell him, of course. He could just tell Kendall everything. To hell with the risk. What did he have to lose? He felt like he was running out of options, but that one stood and stared him in the face. He didn't want to lose Kendall's friendship, but if Kendall's friendship was only leaving him wanting more, maybe it was best to lose it.

This sucks, he thought. It all sucks.

* * *

><p>Logan stood in a corridor near the Palm Woods pool, just watching the usual action. All kinds of people, young and old, enjoying the water on a hot sunny day. People with no worries and no cares in the world. Oh, to be like them, Logan thought. If only he could erase every single feeling of affection that he had for Kendall Knight.<p>

If the world was perfect, the sensible thing to do would have been to go to Kendall and tell him how he felt. And then Kendall would smile, those epic dimples making one of their many, many appearances. He'd say, in that confident, headstrong Kendall voice, "Duh, I already knew that." They'd kiss...maybe a little more. Okay, definitely a lot more. But it'd be totally pure...absolutely, 100% pure love. The world, though, has never been, is not, and will never be perfect.

Carlos was taking a nap next to the pool, helmet firmly on head. Logan had been checking Carlos out for years. Who wouldn't? Okay, so he had a bad case of ADD. So it was hard to have a really good adult conversation with him. Whatever. He was hot. His body was perfect...just the right amount of thickness, just enough softness to put your arms around and just enough firmness for him to put his arms around you. Dark black hair, dark skin, and a gorgeous, if mischievous, smile. He was also very sweet and always very exciting.

But there was no reason in the world for Logan to think Carlos was gay, so what was the point? Not like he'd ever fall for Carlos the way he'd fallen for Kendall, anyway. Still, though, how could he focus his attention on someone else if he didn't know who was gay and who was straight? How could he be sure he wasn't barking up the wrong tree?

And, again, did it matter anyway, if he knew for certain that Kendall - and no one else - was the guy for him? Kendall was the one he talked to, Kendall was the one he hung with, Kendall was his protector, his best friend, his safety net, his everything. And, at times, he felt that he'd been Kendall's everything, too. When Mr. and Mrs. Knight had filed for divorced...Kendall had been broken. He'd never have let anyone else see him cry. Not his parents, not his sister, not James and Carlos. No one but Logan. He'd been the only one.

The memory invaded Logan's mind as he walked upstairs to their apartment.

_A cold, cold February afternoon in Minnesota. One of those dreary, moody days that everyone thinks of when they think of a Midwestern winter. It had snowed all day. A glimpse out of any window, after the fog was wiped away, would render nothing but white and blue ice. One of those days._

_"You guys stay warm," Mrs. Knight said as she bundled herself up. She hated to go out in such depressing weather, but she knew it wouldn't get any better any time soon, and she had to go pick Katie up from a play date. "If it starts snowing again, we'll just stay put over there until it's safe to come back. I'm sure you guys can find something to do without destroying the house...or each other."_

_She was soon gone, and the fifteen-year-old boys went to Kendall's room. Kendall turned on his newest video game and plopped down on his bed. Something was off with him, though. Usually, he was full of energy and life, but on this day, he was just drained. Everyone had those types of days, even Kendall, but Logan could sense that something wasn't right._

_"What's going on with you?" he asked, conscious of the fact that Kendall wasn't always one to talk about his feelings but also conscious of the fact that if anyone could get Kendall to spill, it would be him._

_"Nothing," Kendall said, as he brutally murdered Logan's character on the screen. "Except my stupid parents. They're getting a stupid divorce," he added without emotion. Every phrase was accented by a swipe of a Samurai sword. Logan's blood spewed everywhere._

_Logan truly didn't know what to say. It was no secret that the Knight parents weren't a happily married couple, even to a kid like himself, but he'd never thought that they'd split up. "Wow," he said, suddenly feeling very sorry for his best friend._

_Kendall shoved his joystick to the side and hung his head low, closing his eyes. They were coming...the droplets. They were just a few seconds away, and he didn't want Logan to see them. He never spoke of his feelings, but they raged around in his mind like rabid dogs, gnawing away at every single part of him. "This sucks," he groaned. The tears began to softly roll down his face.._

_"Kendall," Logan said thoughtfully, hit by the sight of the tears. He scooted closer to Kendall on the bed and put an arm around him. It felt...natural. At the immediate time of decision, there was not a single ounce of resistance in him that told him not to do it. So he did. And Kendall didn't push him away._

_"They keep fighting about everything," said Kendall, letting the tears flow freely now. "They think Katie and me don't hear it, but we do."_

_"Come on, man," Logan said, rubbing Kendall's back. Restraint had crept into him and reminded him to keep his distance, to not let his own feelings come into play, but he still knew he had to be of some help. "It's not your fault, though," he told Kendall. That's what they would always say on television...the kid is never to blame._

_"I'm worried about Katie," Kendall announced with a feigned sense of strength. He'd gotten over his initial stream of tears and gently tugged away from Logan's loving arms. "She's still young, and she isn't going to understand anything that's going on."_

_"Dude...Katie's a genius. I don't think you have to worry about her. She'll be all right."_

_"I know," Kendall said quickly, almost as if he hadn't meant to say it at all. So much for making Logan think that all of his heartache was for his little sister's sake._

_Accepting that the brief moment of intimacy was now over, Logan slid a little bit away from Kendall. "Tell me what's going on."_

_Kendall drew in a deep breath. "They sat me down last night...pretty much gave it to me straight. They've tried to work it out, but it's not working out at all. They couldn't even talk to me last night without going at each other's throats." Tears started to form again, and Logan wrestled with whether or not he should offer his arms again. He chose not to._

_Kendall continued. "Said they don't agree with each other anymore, they don't have anything in common anymore. The only reason why they were still together was because of us, but now they just can't do it anymore, so they're going their separate ways."_

_Logan's own lip started to quiver a bit. He felt so much for Kendall...to see him go through this was too much for him, and maybe had he been just a little bit weaker, he would have cried some himself. But restraint and self-control were always there._

_"I know if my grandma was here, things would be different," Kendall suddenly said with certainty. "She'd get my dad in line and straighten the whole thing out. She'd fix everything, but she's not here, and it...it sucks."_

_Kendall's grandmother had passed away no more than two months earlier. She'd been a strong-willed woman, one who took no prisoners, but she loved her grandchildren immensely. Kendall had been her favorite._

_The memory of his beloved Nana sent a flood of tears to Kendall's eyes, and Logan knew it was time. He once again scooted close, once again put his arm around Kendall's shoulder, but this time Kendall moved closer to him as well, drawing him in for a tighter hug, a harder back rub, and a more intimate connection. "Why does everything have to change so much?" asked Kendall, tears staining Logan's shirt._

_"I don't know," Logan said, staring off into space. He hated to admit it, but deep down, he reveled in this moment. He savored it. He knew he shouldn't have, and he knew it made him a selfish, evil person, but this was where he wanted to be more than anywhere else in the world. Kendall had come to him to cry on his shoulder, and it made him feel bonded to his best friend for life._

_Kendall dried his eyes and sniffled a little. He broke apart from the hug, but kept his arm casually on Logan's thigh. He looked at him. Those green eyes, those rain-soaked Irish meadows, reached out to Logan's chocolate brown ones._

_"Logan, I want you to promise me...no matter what, no matter what happens to us when we get older, no matter what...promise me you'll never change, Logan. Promise me you'll never leave me, that you're gonna always be here, that you're gonna always stay the same."_

_Logan could only nod as he felt Kendall come to him for another tight hug. As the fireplace scent in Kendall's clothes invaded his senses, he closed his eyes and, only for a moment, let his mind wander off to a dreamland where he could say what felt natural to him: "I love you." He mouthed the words, but he wouldn't dare say them aloud._

_"You're my best friend, man," Kendall said quietly into Logan's ear as they broke apart for the last time._

_Only it wasn't the last time. Over the years, there would be more fights between Kendall's parents, there would be more deaths in Kendall's family, there would be moments of lost confidence in Kendall's mind, and there would be foolish, foolish girls to break Kendall's heart. Through it all, Logan would feel like his everything._

He's taken my love for granted, Logan suddenly thought to himself as he sat down on his bed and stared across the room at Kendall's empty one.

Had he not been everything Kendall had asked him to be? Had he not stayed the same? Had he not been there no matter what? He'd done everything he'd been asked to do, and how was Kendall repaying him? He was a great friend, sure, but Logan now wanted more than that. He wanted it so much, it hurt him and made him physically ill. He could not stand to look at Kendall's side of the room without wanting to vomit. He loved him so much, but he knew that love would never ever ever be reciprocated, and it sickened him.

But how could he just expect Kendall to love him? What right did he have to make such a life-changing demand? If he truly felt that he had a valid claim to Kendall's love, Kendall's heart, Kendall's body...why didn't he just get right up, find him, and affirm every single feeling he'd been feeling for God knows how long? Because Kendall would hate him for the rest of their lives, that's why.

But it was Kendall. Kendall, who understood Logan when no one else ever made the effort to do so. Kendall, who had always shown a genuine interest in Logan's random projects. Kendall, who had cried his eyes out in Logan's arms, pulling him closer, begging him through tears to never change, to always be there. Why would Kendall push him away for this? Why would Kendall hate him for just...loving him? Would he not realize that it was his own damn fault for making Logan fall so madly in love with him in the first place? Had that not been his intention?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Logan screamed at the top of his lungs, falling back onto his bed. It needed to be over. It needed to end. This could not keep going on. Something...good or bad...anything...had to happen. And now.

He remembered what Dr. Riley had told him. Get out, do things, and meet people.

I'll go out, he thought. I'll find someone. Anyone. Anything. And I'll forget about Kendall. Simple as. It's what I should have done ages ago.

He had his plan, and this time he was going to stick to it. Kendall? That dude had to become a distant memory. BUT HOW? If he sat across the dinner table? If his toothbrush was next to Logan's? If his bed was a few feet away? If the scent of his cologne floated around their room? If he looked into Logan's eyes when he sang words of love?

I'll find a way, Logan reassured himself. I'll find a way.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Thanks for reading and reviewing! Love you all! :)


	6. Secret Storm

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** As always, thanks for your reviews :) I promise, I'll soon be returning your nice comments with some reviews of your stories as well. I'm excited to read more stuff, but university takes up tons of time :( But anyway, this chapter really starts to put the central plot into motion, and we'll soon be getting to the heart of everyone's real motivations. It would have been up earlier, but I felt it necessary to make some major revisions that I think you guys will enjoy!**  
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* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER SIX<strong>

Go out. Do new things. Meet new people. Give them a chance.

Logan made this his new mantra as he slowly began to fall into a nap, fully clothed, on his bed. He'd just gotten back from his last session with Dr. Riley, and all of the crazy things going through his head had just tired him out. He didn't want to fall asleep. The dream from the night before still haunted him, and he didn't want to run the risk of having another one just like it.

Luckily for him, he went into a gentle, dream-free slumber that last for about two hours. He woke up at around 6:45PM, and, unfortunately, the first person he saw was the one causing him all the pain.

"Wake up," the familiar voice called softly. "Wake up, wake up, wake up, Logan."

He opened his eyes and stared right into Kendall's.

"Finally!" Kendall exclaimed. "Get up! We're going out!"

Logan couldn't tell if it was a dream or not, but if it was, he wasn't going to let it end up like the last one. "No, Kendall, go away..." he babbled incoherently. "I don't want to...leave me alone..."

"Nope, you're waking up!" said Kendall. He took hold of Logan's knobby ankles and pulled as hard he could to try to get the smaller guy off of the bed. Naturally, the good-natured Kendall was doing more laughing than pulling.

Logan, however, was not amused. Feeling his body rub against the sheets woke him up for good, but all of the frustration and stress that he associated with Kendall came out. "Dude!" he yelled. "What the hell?"

"You need to wake up!" said Kendall as he stopped tugging at Logan's feet. He stood with his hands on his hips and a rambunctious smile on his face.

Logan rubbed his head. Ugh...he wanted to be pissed off, but he could never stay mad when Kendall wore that impish grin.

"I have a surprise for you," Kendall said as he went to their closet. "Get your glad rags on, my friend. We're going to get you a girlfriend."

Logan sat up in bed on his elbows. Still a little groggy, he really didn't comprehend a thing Kendall had said. Something about a "girlfriend." Getting him a "girlfriend."

"Kendall, what are you talking about?" he asked.

Kendall shook his head. He tossed a pretty snazzy shirt and some jeans onto Logan's bed. "Just put these on." Dressed in his own casual wear, he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and fix his hair.

Logan didn't know what the hell was going on. This was so like Kendall, just coming in here, throwing him around, demanding things from him. But, of course, this had always been Kendall's style, so Logan didn't know why it bothered him so much now. In the past, he'd appreciated Kendall's forceful nature. It had served him well in helping him get over his insecurities and perceived inadequacies. Left to his own devices, he would have never tried anything new or met any new people. But Kendall always pushed him.

"While you were at your Trigonometry Club thing today, Jo and I ran into one of her friends from acting school," said Kendall as he came back into the bedroom. "She's very pretty and very sweet, and she's perfect for you."

"Wait...where are we going?"

"On a double date! Me and Jo, and you and Michelle." Kendall beamed at Logan with pride. "She's a hot one, Logan."

"What the...Michelle?" Logan was upset. "Kendall, I thought I told you this morning that I wasn't ready for anything like that yet. I still need time to get over...Camille." He almost said "you."

Kendall took a seat next to Logan on the bed and, of course, threw his arm around Logan's shoulders.

"No," said Logan restlessly. He didn't want to be touched, especially not by Kendall. He escaped the friendly arm.

"Look, I'm sorry!" Kendall said sincerely. "But come on, let's be real here. You know and I know that if you were left to move on from Camille all by yourself, you'd get nowhere. You'd just lie here in this bed all day thinking about her and dreaming about her and going nuts. I'm just doing what I've always done. I'm giving you that little extra push when you really need it. You go out, meet Michelle, and you'll forget all about the on-and-off craziness you had with Camille. Now, doesn't that sound like a good idea?"

Ugh, Logan thought. He really didn't feel like dealing with this.

But then it dawned on him. Kendall thought that this double date was going to help Logan get rid of his feelings for Camille. Fine. He didn't need to know the truth. He didn't need to know that the real feelings Logan wanted to get rid of were actually for him. This was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Whoever this Michelle girl was, Logan suddenly hoped that she was as sweet and as pretty as Kendall had said she was. He was going to give this girl a real chance, even if it killed him.

And so what if he'd also be spending time with Kendall? The two would cancel each other out. Just like a math problem, actually. A positive and a negative would always cancel each other out...but only if they were of equal value. Would Logan be interested enough in this Michelle person to not even notice Kendall was there? He would definitely try, that's for sure. Jo would be there, too, and she was essential. Jo made things different.

"I'll be waiting," Kendall said as he went for the door. "And trust me, Logan. You'll be thanking me for this!"

Logan was already feeling thankful. Kendall cared enough to do this for him, to find him a girl and help him get over his problems. Kendall cared, he really cared. But, Logan had to remind himself, Kendall's "care" was only toxic to him, so, while he appreciated Kendall's actions, he did not want to dwell on them.

"Michelle," he whispered under his breath as he started to change clothes. "Michelle."

* * *

><p>"I don't know what's keeping them," Kendall said as he and Logan sat on a bench in the park across from a fancy Italian restaurant. "I told them 7:30."<p>

"Maybe you should try calling Jo again," Logan suggested.

"I guess."

Kendall dialed Jo's number, but, for what seemed like the hundredth time, there was no answer.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. There were supposed to be girls here tonight. Jo for Kendall, and this Michelle girl for Logan. They'd double date and have a good time. Then, maybe, they'd go to some secluded spot in the park, and Logan could really, really give this girl a chance. Michelle would soon own every free second of his time...he'd be with her all day and think about her when he wasn't with her. He'd dream about her in his sleep, and things would be perfect. Years in the future, when he and Michelle would take their children to Disneyland, he'd think back to how he'd once felt about his old friend Kendall, and he'd laugh, laugh, laugh.

Logan knew he was getting a little demented, but he didn't care. He needed this to work. He needed it more than anything else in the world.

"Call her again," Logan begged impatiently, his heart rate starting to increase.

"She's not answering," said Kendall. "What would be the point? And you ought to really think about calming down. I know you're excited to meet Michelle, but jeez."

Logan tried to calm down, but he couldn't. If Jo and Michelle didn't show up, then what? Kendall would say that there's no use in wasting a good reservation, and the two of them would go in and have dinner together. They'd eat, talk, feel close to one another...and Logan didn't need that...not at this point. Not when he was so ready to finally move on from Kendall.

Who was he kidding? How could he ever move on from Kendall? Just sitting there on a park bench with him, a little breeze blowing in the air, made him want Kendall. He wished he could just turn to Kendall and say it. "I love you, but I know I shouldn't. Make it better." Because Kendall made everything better.

The phone rang.

"Jo! Where are you? I called you a thousand times!" said Kendall.

Logan could breathe a little sigh of relief. It looked like things were starting to come together the way he'd hoped they would.

"Wait...what do you mean you have to do publicity?"

No, Logan thought. No, no, no. She couldn't be backing out at the last minute.

Kendall rolled his eyes on the phone. "How do you forget that you're supposed to be on a plane to Hawaii?"

Logan could feel sweat starting to form at his hairline.

"Well, what about Michelle?"

Yes, Logan thought. What about Michelle?

"Good," said Kendall. "I'm glad she didn't just randomly forget about a six-hour flight like some people do..."

She was going to be there! Michelle was going to be there!

Kendall hung up the phone. "It looks like something extremely important just happened to come up for Jo...again...like always."

"What about Michelle?" Logan asked. He just wanted to know for sure that she'd still be there.

"She'll be here in a few min-"

"Kendall! It's nice to see you again. And this must be Logan?"

It was a girl. A beautiful girl with long, black hair, red lipstick, and a warm smile. She wore a modest outfit of dark blue jeans and a lacy blouse.

"Michelle!" Kendall greeted. "I just talked to Jo!"

He stood up and made the introductions. "Logan, this is Jo's friend Michelle, and, Michelle, this is Logan Mitchell. My best friend in the whole world."

Logan lamely rose to his feet and extended his hand to Michelle. Kendall had been right! She was absolutely gorgeous. Logan didn't like to compare girls by their looks, but she was definitely better-looking than Camille. This could work. It could really work. All he had to do was spend some time with her...get to know her...put forth some real effort. In no time at all, they'd be together, and all would be well with the world.

"It's nice to meet you," he said in a slightly squeaky voice. This could work, yes, but his nerves were still shot.

"It's nice to meet you, too," Michelle replied. She took his hand and shook it gently. Their eyes met, and Logan tried his best to hide the desperation in his.

This could work. It had to work.

Michelle's phone started to ring. "Oh, excuse me," she said. "It's my friend Kerry...she's taking this really killer calculus class at UCLA this summer, and I'm the only one in our circle who knows anything about math. You don't mind if I calm her down for a second, do you?"

"No, go right ahead," said Kendall. Logan nodded in agreement.

"Okay, great! You guys go on ahead, I'll catch up."

Michelle stayed by the bench to take her call while Logan and Kendall crossed the street to stand outside the restaurant.

"Well, it looks like you're flying solo tonight," said Kendall. "Didn't I tell you she was gorgeous? And did you hear? She's a math genius! Perfect girl for you."

"Yes, she's seems very smart. And pretty," said Logan. "But wait! What do you mean 'flying solo?'"

"Jo's not here. I don't want to be a third wheel, and I'm sure you'd like some alone time with little Miss Michelle, right?" Kendall nudged at his shoulder.

"Yeah...that would actually be nice," said Logan. He checked her out from across the street...yeah, it'd be very nice indeed. He was sort of intimidated by the thought of being alone with a girl he didn't even know, but he had to give her a real chance. He had to get the sexy blond in the dress pants and sneakers out of his mind.

"All right, then, I'll get out of your way," Kendall said slyly. He began to walk away. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do! And...don't do some of the things I would do, either!"

"Sure thing," Logan called to him as he vanished down the sidewalk, but he wasn't sure at all. This was going to be awkward as hell, and he knew it. In a matter of minutes, the plans had gone from a double date to just he and Kendall hanging out to he and Kendall hanging out with this girl and now just he and this girl. But he had to make it work. This opportunity fell into his hands, and it had to work.

Michelle made her way across the street. "Sorry about that," she said.

"No, no, that's perfectly fine," said Logan.

"Where did Kendall go?"

"He, um, he left. I guess he's gonna go home and text Jo all night..."

They both nervously giggled, and Logan realized that she was just as unsure about this as he was. But that only made it sweeter...they'd get to know one another, help each other feel at ease, and it'd be special

"Shall we?" he asked, offering his arm.

"We shall," she said.

This had to be good. It just had to be.

* * *

><p>Things seemed to be going well.<p>

"Too bad Kendall and Jo couldn't make it," Michelle lamented after the waiter took their orders.

"Yeah," said Logan. He was still so overcome with nerves, but they were getting better. He was eager to know more about this girl. "So, are you a native?"

"A native? Of California?"

"Yeah."

"Actually, no," she answered. "I'm originally from Roswell. It's a town in New Mexico."

"Oh! Really?" Logan asked. He blushed a little. "You're not, you know, an alien or anything?"

"A...what?"

"You know...Roswell...UFO landing...1947..."

His attempt at a joke was completely lost on Michelle. "Oh. I think I heard about that once."

Oh crap, Logan thought. I'm being a dork, and she's looking at me weirdly.

"Well...what brought you out West?" he asked.

"I wanted to be an actress," said Michelle. "After my mom died, it was just me and my dad, and I went to him and told him I wanted to act. He packed us up, moved us out here, and got me into some acting classes. I had to audition for twenty-seven agents before one liked me."

"Wow," said Logan, truly riveted by the story. She seemed to be a good girl. She had a dream-like quality in her eye, as if she fully believed in everything she talked about. She reminded him a bit of Camille.

"Yep. And the first one who wanted me wasn't...well, let's just say his plans weren't very wholesome. We got rid of him and had to go through six more agents until we found one who we could trust, which is very hard to do in Hollywood."

Logan agreed.

"But enough about me," she said. "Tell me about you guys."

"Heh, well there's really not much to tell," he replied. "It all started when our friend James wanted to be a pop superstar. They were holding open auditions back home, so we all went to give him some support. Turns out, Gustavo thought James was horrible, but he loved Kendall. Kendall, though, would not agree to record a demo unless Gustavo took us all. And the rest, as they say, is history..."

Michelle swooned a little. "Sounds like Kendall is a great guy."

"Yeah, he is," Logan said. Quickly, he tried to change the subject. "You know, I never really wanted to do the whole song-and-dance thing. I wanted to be a doctor, but-"

"How long have you known him?" she asked.

"Known who?"

"Kendall, silly!"

Obviously, Logan didn't want to talk about Kendall, but he couldn't let her see that. "Uh...we've actually been friends for a very long time. We met in elementary school."

"Jo is just crazy about him. All she talks about is Kendall, Kendall, Kendall!"

Logan paused, trying to be polite. "Yes...well, like I said. He's a great guy." In his mind, he skimmed through other topics that would be easier for him to talk about without sounding like a dork. Not that just talking about Kendall was messing with his head, but...it had the potential to mess with his head, so the less Kendall talk, the better.

"How?" Michelle asked abruptly, catching him off guard.

"Come again?"

"How is Kendall a great guy?"

Logan fiddled with the straw in his drink. "Um...well, he's just...he's always putting his friends first. Kendall bends over backwards to help out his friends." He gulped a little then tried to find her eyes again. "Did you, by chance, happen to read _The Mysterious Lives of Integers_?"

"No," said Michelle. "You know, Jo's a lucky girl to have a guy like him. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Sure?"

Logan wanted this to work, but it wasn't going to if all she wanted to talk about was Kendall. Swiftly, he tried to change the subject again. "_The Mysterious Lives of Integers_. It's a great book. I highly recommend the chapter on 8's relationship with 7-"

"Jo's always telling me about the romantic things Kendall does for her," Michelle said. "It makes me so jealous."

"Um...well...yeah, he's very into the mushy stuff," Logan stuttered. And Jo was never fucking appreciative of it - tonight, for instance - he wanted to add, but he tried to keep his composure. "You know," he said while trying to put on his most seductive face, "the right guy might come along for you."

"He's so cute, too," Michelle noted, "with those eyebrows and that nose! And that smile, with those dimples!"

What the fuck, Logan thought. What the fuck. This has to stop.

"Hey, you know, can we...not talk about Kendall?" he asked with a forced calmness. "He's my best friend and all, but I'd rather talk about you...and me...and maybe piecewise functions."

Michelle finally stopped gabbing and smiled at him. "I'm sorry," she said.

Logan took a sip from his drink. "It's okay. It's just...you seem to be a nice girl, and I think we may have a lot in common, so I'd like to get to know you better." He was surprised at how smoothly that came out, but it was a pleasant surprise. Maybe now they could make some headway in learning more about each other.

Michelle took his request well. "I'm sorry," she repeated, her eyes glowing at Logan. "I have to run to the bathroom, but when I come back, I promise, no more talk about Kendall or anyone else."

He returned her radiant smile as she walked away to the bathroom. As soon as she was gone, though, he downed the rest of his drink and told the waiter to bring another, pronto. He sighed a little, and he rubbed his temples. Logan hated the way his fragile emotions worked. All of those kids from elementary school had been right - Hortense was a loser, gross, a dork, all of the above. This loser was sitting here with a pretty girl, but he was too busy worrying himself sick over some guy.

Some guy. Ha. Kendall was more than just "some guy" to him, and he knew it. He'd been stupid to think that just one random night with some girl would ever stop him from caring so much about Kendall.

But he knew he had to try. This had to work. His angry feelings from before his nap started to return. Here he was, trying to make things better for himself, yet Kendall was still hanging over his shoulder, making things miserable. The guy was at home, probably in bed, texting his girlfriend - because it was "Jo's turn" to have his attention tonight - yet he still had a hold on Logan. So Michelle asked a few questions. She was nervous! All she wanted was to know more about Logan's friendship with Kendall. Logan felt bad about snapping at her the way he did. He knew he'd ruin the whole thing himself if he kept letting Kendall get to him that way. But it was hard...so hard. Somehow, Michelle's admiration of Kendall's physical attributes had done him in. His feelings for Kendall were so deep and mature, so multi-faceted, but, like any young person with burgeoning sexual interests, Logan couldn't keep his mind off the more physical aspects of attraction. The mere thought of Kendall's smile and Kendall's eyes and Kendall's arms and Kendall's chest and Kendall's body would never leave him alone.

Michelle had called him cute. Cute. Heh. He was cute, all right. Kendall Knight was cute with his clothes on. But with his clothes off...Kendall Knight was a man. And Logan knew it.

_It was Kendall's eighteenth birthday, and the Big Time Rush guys had partied hard the whole night long. Mrs. Knight had given in and let them all have the apartment to themselves, but, as she and Katie spent the night in an unoccupied Palm Woods suite, she couldn't help but wonder what a bunch of juiced up teens would be doing to her lovely home._

_She had nothing to worry about, really. As the party came to a close, most breakables remained intact. All of the food was gone - including the food that was specifically marked as "NOT PARTY FOOD" - but it'd be easy to replace it all. No one had complained about the loud music because most of the Palm Woods residents were there at the party, getting down and having a good time._

_Jo, of course, was out of town. She'd been booked to appear on a telethon in the Ozarks. Something about saving some kind of endangered hog or something. She was gone, though, and as the last guests were leaving, Kendall was feeling her absence._

_"Maybe you can call her," suggested Carlos. "I'm sure they have phone reception in Possom Paradise, Missouri."_

_"It's not the same," Kendall whined. He was laid out on the sofa, almost planking, in misery. "I miss Jo. I miss her face and her hair and her laugh and the way she calls me her Ken Doll."_

_Logan pulled some streamers down from the wall, secretly damning Jo to hell. This was why he wanted Kendall to leave her. This was exactly why. She was never around when he needed her, and when she was around, she was always accusing him of cheating. Maybe Kendall should have just cheated on her. Of course, Logan would have liked to be the "other woman," but if he'd seen Kendall making out with a Jennifer at the party, he wouldn't have stopped him._

_"Why don't you just take a bath and go to sleep?" said James. "You had a fantastic party, your best friends are going to clean up everything before your mom gets home, and you can dream all you want to about Jo."_

_Kendall just groaned in response. Logan looked over at him. If he could just rub Kendall's back, whisper in his ear, give him a little kiss on the cheek...Jo would be a complete afterthought._

_"They're right," he said softly to Kendall, leaning on the arm of the couch. "Go get some sleep. You know we're starting a new dance routine tomorrow, and I have a feeling Gustavo's gonna work us, party or no party."_

_Kendall groaned again, but he got up and did as he was told. Logan looked on helplessly._

_"We should talk to Gustavo," James said. "It's not right that he should have to be in the studio when he's so depressed."_

_Carlos nodded. "It's not right that he has to be so depressed on his birthday."_

_Logan sighed. "It's not right that it's his girlfriend making him so depressed."_

_After twenty minutes, the guys were finished with their clean-up, and Logan went in to check on Kendall. He pushed open the door and saw something he hadn't gotten a real good look at since he was thirteen years old._

_"Oh my God, Kendall!" he exclaimed, covering his eyes with his arm._

_Kendall stood before him, completely naked, and didn't rush to get dressed or go back into the bathroom. All he wore was a nice, big smile._

_"Birthday suit," he slurred, so very proud of himself for being so clever._

_Logan was speechless, but his mouth hung open.  
><em>

_"Please, it's not like you haven't seen any of this before," Kendall said as he went to the closet for some night clothes._

_"I haven't!" Logan shrilled. Sensing Kendall's movement, he slowly lowered his arm, taking in the sight of Kendall's bare back, muscular legs, and smooth bottom.  
><em>

_"You saw it that time we went skinny dipping in my grandparents' pond."_

_"We were thirteen! And it wasn't...you didn't have..."_

_"What? What didn't I have then, Logan," asked Kendall as he faced Logan again, this time cupping a hand over his junk. "You were looking at my cock, weren't you?" he asked in a low voice. He didn't want Carlos and James to hear. He didn't want them to walk in.  
><em>

_Logan's arm shot back up over his eyes. "You're...standing there...and it's just...there, and it's hard to miss, and..." His eyes were closed, but he could feel Kendall moving closer, closer, closer... "Kendall," he said shakily, using every ounce of strength he had in himself to keep those eyelids down. If he opened them and looked...he wouldn't have been able to control himself._

_Kendall took advantage of Logan's temporary blindness. He stood no more than two feet away from the shorter boy. He was still, he was quiet, and there was a slight tremble reverberating through his naked body. He stared hard at Logan's face, which was half-obscured by the arm. Then he moved his eyes to the small but growing center of Logan's pants. And then his eyes moved to his own bare member as it fought against his psyche to reach its full potential. Kendall knew that with one gentle action he could have knocked Jo Taylor and her absenteeism out of his life for good. One action...one movement...one thing._

_But he wasn't brave enough to face those consequences.  
><em>

_Logan could feel Kendall's breath hitting him, he could feel Kendall's presence so close to him, but he couldn't move...he couldn't make a sound. He felt paralyzed, and he didn't know why. This was his chance...it had to be his chance. But he was too afraid...just too afraid. By the time he had enough courage to see again, Kendall was dressed, and whatever could have happened or would have happened quickly faded away from him to a land occupied by lost opportunities. Never to be spoken of. Never to be brought up. Never to be mentioned._

_Never to be forgotten._

_By either of them.  
><em>

He came back to the present. He knew not of the secret storm Kendall had endured in that memory; his own was enough.

What a miserable life. What a waste. What a tragedy.

These were the only thoughts that filled his head. They floated around and wrapped around images of Kendall's body...joining together with images of Jo's taunting face.

Hortense Mitchell. That dork. That loser. That gross little twerp. On a date with a knockout. A real knockout. And all he and his little pecker could think of was Kendall Knight.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the last stall of the women's restroom, a phone conversation was taking place.<p>

"I promise you, I said all of the things you told me to say! Well...not all of it."

"What do you mean, not all of it?"

"It was awkward to just jump into a conversation about Kendall out of nowhere! He was starting to get pissed off, too, so I didn't want to keep harping on it."

"Oh my God, Michelle, I paid you fifty dollars to-"

"Look, if you want to find out anything, you'll have to do it yourself. It's too awkward and weird."

"Well...what did he say?"

"He didn't say anything! He just said that Kendall's a great guy, that you're lucky to have him, they've been friends for years, blah blah blah. To be honest, I really think you're just being paranoid. He was very eager to stop talking about Kendall and start talking about us. And, to be even more honest, I really don't want to talk about me and him because he's kind of dorky. He started talking about aliens and the 40s and-"

"Yeah, well, that's Logan."

"I really don't think he wants your boyfriend. They're just good friends."

Silence.

"Well...did he seem nervous? Like, was he on edge or anything?"

"Yes, yes he was. That doesn't mean he has feelings for Kendall."

"Trust me, Michelle, I want to believe that, but I can't. There's just something inside me telling me that there's something going on. I've had this little feeling in the back of my mind ever since I met him, and it's just been little things building up over time. And this morning at the beach? Kendall wouldn't even look at me when I asked him about Logan."

"Well? What are you gonna do?"

"I'm going to find out for myself, just like you said."

"And how do you expect to do that?"

"I'm going to ask him! I'm just...gonna go right up to him and ask him. Plain and simple."

"Good luck with that. I guess I'll just go back and listen to him talk about himself now. Very exciting stuff, I'm sure. I just hope he doesn't ask me anything about math, because I'm sure he thinks I'm a genius. There's a small window in here, and I know I can fit through it..."

"Oh, come on, Michelle, he's not that bad! He's actually a very nice guy."

"Then why did you send me to be your spy in the first place?"

That was a question Jo couldn't answer. She tried, and she almost said something, but when she realized she didn't know what to say at all, she just sighed.

"You know what? Just do whatever you want. I'll take care of it myself," she said.

"I hope you know what you're doing, then."

"So do I."

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Oh...so what was that? Was that...a TWIST? I told you in Chapter 4 that Jo's a smart girl, didn't I? There's more where that came from, too, so keep reading!


	7. To Make You Happy

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** So glad that yall are enjoying this! Your reviews are what fuel me to hammer these chapters out. This one's a little slow, but I think there's still some good stuff to get out of it :) Chapters 8 and 9 are gonna be pretty pivotal!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER SEVEN<strong>

"Okay, so what do you want to talk about?" Michelle asked when she returned to her and Logan's table.

Logan looked at his plate, struggling to come up with something. He was so drained, but he couldn't let this be a disaster...it just couldn't go down that way. He owed it to himself to make this work, and he also owed it to someone else. Dr. Riley had told him to "get out" and "meet new people." Well, here he was. He was "out" with a "new" person. But he couldn't stop thinking about the old one.

Still, though, he had to make this work, and so he refused to back down.

"I was talking earlier," he said hesitantly, "about _The Mysterious Lives of Integers_. It's a really, really good hardcover."

Michelle covertly rolled her eyes. This was certainly going to be an ordeal. Now that she'd done her duty for Jo, she felt no obligation to remain in her "math geek" character. As a matter of fact, she wished she could just get up and leave, but that might have been too mean. She'd skipped a date with a really hot aspiring rapper just to help Jo out! She felt like she should have upped her price to at least a hundred dollars, and that thought made her feel like some kind of hooker. Yikes. The only reason she'd even agreed to any of this was so that she could get some more acting practice.

She wasn't going to be an outright bitch to Logan, but maybe if she remained distant enough and showed him how disinterested she was, he'd just cut the date short himself. He wasn't that bad, it seemed, and she was already going to hate herself in the morning for playing this kid like a fool, but pretending to be interested in him would not have been any nicer.

Oh, but she could have exposed Jo's filthy little scheme. That would have been hilarious. But she was a young actress, and fifty dollars was fifty dollars.

"I didn't read that," she finally said. "I don't read much actually, besides Britney's Twitter, and Rihanna's, too. Oh, and _French Vogue_. I like a little culture every now and then."

"Oh," said Logan. "Um...well..."

Michelle's phone began to vibrate, and the name "Paul" flashed on the screen. She hurriedly grabbed the phone and began to tap out a text message as Logan looked on helplessly.

"Who...was that?" he asked when she slipped the phone into her purse.

"Oh, that? That was...that was my friend. Remember? The one who's taking that class at USC?"

"Oh. But wait, I thought you said she was taking her class at UCLA? And her name's Paul? That's a funny name for a girl!" Logan let out a dry, dry chuckle, because maybe if he chuckled, it wouldn't seem like he was being lied to. Obviously, there had to be some logical explanation for why Michelle's girl friend would be named Paul. Right?

"It's..." Michelle began. "It's supposed to be Paula. With an A. But when I put it into my phone, I was sort of in a hurry, so I forgot to put the A." She was a great young actress, but a horrible liar.

"Oh," said Logan. He didn't buy it, but he wanted to...he had to. "Well, what does she want to know? Maybe I can help. Two heads are better than one, or so I've heard."

"No, it's fine," Michelle said flatly. "She's got it figured out now."

"Oh. Okay."

As Michelle wordlessly tore into her chicken tortellini, she could feel that "I'll hate myself in the morning" feeling coming at her already. She didn't know this guy, but she was probably causing him at least a month of stress and depression with just this one measly night. She glanced up at him as he slurped down his spaghetti, and she pitied him. He was so easy to fool. He either had absolutely no game or something was bothering him. Shit, she thought, maybe Jo's right about him after all.

It made her feel bad for getting involved with this, but she had to think of herself. Fifty dollars. It was nothing in Hollywood, but for a New Mexico girl, it was worth selling her soul to the devil for a night.

Logan could feel the walls closing in on him. The memory of Kendall, the awkwardness with Michelle, and his weakening self-esteem were all working against him. He'd blown this date, he decided. He'd blown the whole thing, and they hadn't even been seated for long. It had to be a record. In less than about forty-five minutes, the entire thing was blown. Michelle was no longer asking questions about Kendall, but she wasn't asking questions about Logan, either, so now what? What was that supposed to mean? He'd vowed to himself to make this work, to forget about Kendall, to hate Kendall! But this was turning out terribly, and he was already giving up.

He still felt like he could get through to her, if only he could have another chance, if only they could have that second date, but his feelings were hurt. He felt like a fool...used and abused by someone who didn't even know him or understand him, someone who was probably laughing at him on the inside because he was so pitiful and pathetic. He felt like Hortense.

The night came to a close with Michelle thanking Logan for dinner and passing him her phone number. Her house phone number...which she nor her father ever used or answered. But she had to do something to make herself feel a little bit better.

As Logan approached the Palm Woods, he felt shame in every inch of his body. This was supposed to be a big, big night, but it turned out to be a big, big mess. It felt like nothing would ever go right for him, not as long as he had Kendall on the brain. He just knew that he would have been in his element with Michelle had he been free of his Kendall love, but he wasn't free, and it killed him.

And then, to top it all off, he still wanted Kendall. Somewhere in him, he wanted to just despise Kendall for invading nearly every thought that filled his head, but he couldn't. He'd felt like Kendall was taunting him, almost, and taking total advantage of his feelings, but how could he blame Kendall for his feelings? All Kendall ever did was care about him. No, this was all Logan's own fault. For having a warped sense of...everything, it seemed.

He couldn't hate Kendall. How could he? He still, after this humdrum evening, just wanted to rest in Kendall's arms. He wanted Kendall to tell him that everything would be all right, that he'd get through this.

* * *

><p>The leather-bound journal with "KK" on its cover was held snugly between the chest and knees of its owner.<p>

Kendall was in bed, feverishly writing and erasing and scratching out and rewriting lyric after lyric after lyric. Every single one of them coming from his heart, every single one of them meaning something to him. He always did his best writing right before bed. Best time to think, best time to get in touch with his feelings, best time to mine his heart and soul for raw feeling and emotion.

They were songs that he never showed to anyone.

Some of the most magical, most inspirational moments were those late summer nights, long after everyone else had gone to sleep, when Logan would read by lamp light, and Kendall would write quietly across the room. Every now and then, he'd look up from his work and cast a reflective glance at his best friend, who would be deeply entranced by the works of Asimov, Tolkien, and Rowling. Kendall would smile a small, sincere smile and put his thoughts in writing. It was his only outlet, the only way he could get rid of his inhibitions and let his true colors glow.

Tonight, he seemed to be doing more thinking than writing. He hoped Logan was having a wonderful time...he hoped Logan was having an incredible time. Michelle seemed perfect...smart, pretty, a little nervous. Just like the raven-haired genius himself. There was no reason why they couldn't make a love connection, and Kendall couldn't be happier about the whole situation. Everything would fall into place, and there would be no more scary things for him to worry about. There would be no more chances of things getting complicated, and there would be no more chances of drastic change.

He hated Camille for leaving. Absolutely hated her. To just leave Logan hanging like that...it was just plain cold. But she had no way of knowing just how significant she was, she had no way of knowing just how important she was in the grand scheme of things. It was okay now, though. Kendall never liked her much anyway, and she was gone, and now Michelle would take her place. And if Michelle didn't work out? Someone else would. Kendall would not end his quest until Logan was absolutely, positively happy with a great girl by his side. Then, and only then, could all be well.

He looked over to Logan's empty bed, to the spot where his best friend would silently travel to the wondrous worlds of literature. Everything would work out one day, and Kendall knew it. Everything would work out just the way it was meant to.

Kendall often had a hard time understanding, though, that not all remedies work for all people.

Just as he turned to a fresh page, Logan entered. He wanted to ask how things had gone, but he could immediately tell from Logan's bothered demeanor that things had not gone well. Logan evaded his eyes, so Kendall decided against pressuring him for details.

While showering, Logan tried to think of how he'd answer Kendall's inevitable questions about the date, but he didn't have the heart to come up with a good success story. Besides, Michelle would tell Jo the date sucked, and Jo would tell Kendall the date sucked, so what would be the point in pretending it had gone well? He decided to say nothing and hoped Kendall did the same.

What a hopeless future, he thought to himself as he dragged the bar of soap across his chest. What a hopeless, pointless life. Just running away from everything.

He got out of the shower, took a sleeping pill, and silently went to get into bed.

Kendall watched him carefully. Logan slipped into his bed and pulled the covers up over his face, and Kendall's natural instincts kicked in. The silence...the downcast look on his face...they said all that needed to be said. Logan was upset. And it was Kendall's job to fix it. No matter what he'd always been told about what a "real man" was or what "real guys" did and didn't do for each other, he knew it was his job to fix all of Logan's problems. He held himself completely responsible for Logan's well-being.

He turned his lamp off, enveloping the room in darkness, and quietly slid out of bed. He just as quietly made his way across the room. "So...how did it go?" he asked, sorta cheerfully, as he sat on the side of Logan's bed.

Logan didn't say anything. He just wanted sleep...wonderful, beautiful, glorious, dream-free sleep. He didn't want to deal with Kendall's questions and Kendall's presence. He didn't want to keep remembering how much he struck out with this girl tonight. He didn't want to think about how he'd have to face yet another day of living. He just wanted to be alone. Forever.

"Come on," said Kendall as he pulled the sheets from over Logan's face. "Talk to me."

Logan wearily opened his eyes, and Kendall could feel the sting.

Just go, Kendall, please, Logan wanted to say. Just go back to your bed, go back to your life with Jo, and leave me alone. I don't want to love you anymore...I don't know if I even want to be your friend. I can't be anything to you without loving you.

Kendall looked away before Logan's eyes could break him down. He rose and went to the window. "So you blew it," he announced.

"I really don't feel like talking about it tonight," Logan replied, retreating to safety under the sheets.

As Kendall gazed out the window, he could spot two stars in the sky. Their two stars.

"I'm just trying to look out for you," he said softly, never looking back at the vulnerable lamb that lay in the bed. "I know that you're having sort of a rough go of things, and I know that I probably haven't been the greatest best friend lately, but...I care about you, Logan. I just want you to be happy."

"I know. I'll...I'll be fine. I promise."

Logan could feel the tears starting to roll down his face as he lay in a prone position in the bed. He hoped to God that Kendall wouldn't see them, but Kendall was frozen on the two stars. Two stars, close together. Nothing in between them. Nothing to separate them. Nothing to tell them that they didn't belong together. Two stars.

He shook himself out of his trance. He inhaled deeply and exhaled before returning to the sight of Logan hidden under the sheets. "I'm...gonna get the last of that vanilla ice cream. You want some?"

Logan shook his head surely. No...no. He couldn't bear to be in Kendall's presence much longer. He wanted his pill to kick in as soon as possible.

Kendall nodded uncomfortably and left the room.

Logan lay still in the bed. If Dr. Riley could see him now... So much for getting out. So much for meeting new people. So much for doing something. So much for...anything.

If only things could be easy. If only he could just tell Kendall the truth. If only...if only. Whatever would come of it would have to be better than what he was already experiencing. This immense pain, this heartache. This uncertainty of anything. He could be sure of nothing. He so desperately wanted Kendall's strength and courage. He so desperately wanted Kendall's ability to bite the bullet and go for it. In the back of his mind, though, there was a distinct sense of knowing that even Kendall's strength and courage could only go so far.

* * *

><p>Hours later, the boys were asleep in their room, and, unfortunately, Logan was on the verge of yet another magical, mystical land of dreams. This time, however, he wasn't thrust into an explosion of sexual tension and erotic fantasy. No, this time, his dream was much more cerebral, much more realistic, and its effects would be much more profound.<p>

_It was their usual time for intimate conversation. Logan came in after his shower to find Kendall sitting on his bed, instead of his own, waiting impatiently._

_"Okay, so what is it?" Kendall asked._

_"Jeez, Kendall, you wanna give me time to get ready for bed first?" Logan said. He was ready to just say it, but he still wanted to stall. It felt like the whole thing should have been a bit more theatrical._

_"Hurry up," Kendall shrugged as he got up to go to his own bed._

_Logan watched him go for a second but quickly changed his mind. "No," he said, "stay over here. Sit down. I'm ready."_

_"Okay," Kendall said restlessly. He sat back down on Logan's bed._

_"Okay, okay," Logan began, nervous as hell. "I don't quite know how to say this, but-"_

_"You can start by sitting down next to me," Kendall suggested. He took Logan's hand and pulled him down to the bed...and he didn't let go. He looked Logan right in the eye and cracked a smile. His own nervousness didn't matter now that he tasked himself with calming Logan down. "Just tell me already."_

_"Okay," Logan stammered. "Okay. Kendall...you're my best friend."_

_"Right."_

_"And you know I care about you."_

_"Right."_

_"And...well...I...sort of...have a crush on you."_

_"Right."_

_There, Logan thought. I said it._

_But wait._

_"What do you mean, 'right'?" he asked Kendall. "You knew?"_

_"Duh! It was hard for me not to know," Kendall pointed out. "You've been crazy about me for years."_

_Logan was floored. All of this worrying, all of this crying, all of this drama, and Kendall already knew!_

_"Kendall...I can't believe you knew!" he exclaimed._

_"Of course," said Kendall. "And I want you to know that it's cool with me. It's perfectly fine. I mean, I'm not gay...like...not gay, at all, so don't get your hopes up. But I'm not gonna act weird or anything around you now. You're my best friend! I'm just glad you finally got the courage to tell me."_

_Logan sighed. A part of him was sad about Kendall's insistence that nothing would come of Logan's crush, but it was all right. That had not been his intention anyway._

_"Actually," Logan said, "the reason why I'm even telling you this is because I sorta need your help."_

_"With what?" Kendall asked._

_"Well, like you said...you're not gay, and nothing is going to happen between us, and I'm totally fine with that. It's just...well, that really doesn't mean that my feelings for you are going to automatically disappear. See, when you...touch me like you just touched me, and you look at me that way, and you say all of these things to me, it just...it really makes me want you really, really badly."_

_"Logan, we're friends. I'm going to touch you, I'm going to look at you. And yes, I just might even say nice things to you."_

_"Yes, I know, Kendall, and I appreciate that. But please...just for my sake...can you knock it off?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Just until I can get over you. It shouldn't take long...just be mean to me every now and then. Blow me off every now and then-"_

_"Whoa whoa whoa! I don't see how that would help you get over me!"_

_"I meant blow me off for Jo! Like, spend more time with her than you do with me."_

_"Oh," Kendall said, settling down. He grinned. "If I blew you off, you'd never get over me."_

_"Oh, Kendall, please," Logan rolled his eyes._

_"Hey, I'm just saying. I'm not into that...at all...but if I were? I'd be the best lay you ever got in your life!" Kendall nudged Logan's shoulders._

_Logan got up and began to comb his hair. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Unless you're willing to demonstrate, don't say stuff like that."_

_"All right, I promise."_

_Kendall went over to his own bed and got under the sheets. "And I'll be a complete asshole, too. Just fucking horrible, I promise. I'll destroy all of your science stuff when you're not looking! And I'll throw all of your books into the pool."_

_Logan grunted. "Then I'd hate you."_

_"Exactly!"_

_Silence for a few minutes. Kendall watched Logan comb his hair and smiled. He was so proud of this guy. He'd known Logan's little secret since the tenth grade. After every single hockey practice, Kendall would feel big, brown eyes trying to get a look at his junk as he showered. Sometimes he'd purposely give Logan something to look at, just to know for sure that his best friend was checking him out, and sure enough, Logan would never miss the opportunity to get a gander. It went much further than that, though. He could always feel Logan's heightened nerves whenever they'd spend time alone together. The way Logan would stutter and sometimes drift off into another world when he was with Kendall. Yeah, Kendall had definitely known already._

_But he was proud. Logan had taken a giant leap, and Kendall was proud._

_Logan felt that he could now know true happiness. He wouldn't lay around waiting for Kendall to make a move or not make a move or whatever. He'd be free to live his life now. After he got over his Kendall love, at least. But Kendall would help him with that. He'd be less sensitive to Logan's problems, he'd be more rough whenever the guys would play around. He'd probably even skip a shower or two. Just to turn Logan off, just to make Logan get over him, just to make Logan happy._

_And, once upon a time, Kendall's willingness to go head first into a plan to make Logan get over him would have made Logan love him even more, but now Logan could feel the weight as it lifted from him. Kendall was his best friend, and, for now, he may have wanted more...but it'd only be a matter of time before he was satisfied with just their strong, crazy, loyal friendship._

_"I'm serious, though, Logan," said Kendall. "I'm gonna do whatever you want me to do to make you happy."_

_"I know."_

Logan woke up at 3AM. He didn't sweat, he didn't pant, he wasn't dizzy. He simply opened his eyes and looked across the room at Kendall's sleeping body. Beauty. True beauty.

The dream was not as earth-shattering or mind-blowing as the one from the night before, but it was every bit as potent. What did it mean? Why did he have it here, on this night? And now, the thought wouldn't leave his mind. What if he just did it? What if he just came right out and told Kendall everything?

Of course, he'd thought about doing it before. Just sit him down, tell him "I love you," and wait for him to say the words back. But Logan wasn't that naive. He knew that it wouldn't happen like that, and so any time the thought would creep into his mind, he'd chase it away with a stick and find comfort in the security of his hopelessness.

This time, though...it was feeling different for him. He felt as if he was seeing things more clearly, and he could remember Dr. Riley telling him that he would indeed start to see things more clearly. Was this what he meant? Logan thought about it. Who would be better at helping him get over Kendall than Kendall himself? Kendall always looked out for Logan, and he always did whatever it took to make Logan happy. Why would this be any different? Of course, it wouldn't be as great as the dream - the dream was ideal - but how horrible could it be?

He glanced at Kendall one last time before his tiredness took over his body again. What if he just did it...tomorrow? There was a distinct voice within himself screaming that the whole idea was ludicrous - insane, even! - but, as Logan closed his eyes and felt his hold on his mental processes slipping away, he could hear a voice just as distinct screaming at him to man up and be honest.

Little did Logan know, he wasn't the only one still awake room at that moment.

Kendall was stretched out in his bed, face down, but his eyes were open and staring straight out the window. Those two stars were still there, and they taunted him. He felt as if he'd failed Logan. After he'd come back from finishing up that ice cream, he'd found Logan still hiding under his sheets like a sad puppy, and that was just not the way their friendship worked. That was not how Kendall Knight "fixed things" for Logan.

Kendall and Logan.

Their friendship was unique. It was special. Kendall knew this. It hadn't taken him long to figure it out, either. As a kid in elementary school, he'd always see that funny-looking kid with the big head and big glasses and short legs. Hortense, they called him. What a ridiculous name. But even at a young age, Kendall Knight was a rebel, and if everyone else was making fun of Hortense and bullying him, then Kendall Knight would be friends with him. To hell with what people would say.

To hell with what people would say.

Somehow, ten years later, the older, more mature Kendall Knight couldn't adopt the same mindset. Well, most of the time, he could. He didn't care when people would dismiss Big Time Rush as yet another manufactured, autotuned, overexposed boy band. To hell with those people. He didn't care when some cocky California lunkheads would call him a dumb Minnesota dude. To hell with those lunkheads.

But there was one thing...just one thing...that he couldn't deal with. Just one thing. And it struck within him a vomit-inducing terror.

I'm fixing this, he thought. Before it gets out of hand. Before it goes too far. Before I get sucked in.

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><p><strong>NOTE: <strong>Straight up, I wrote this chapter maybe six or seven different times before I came up with one that I really really really really really liked and thought was great. But then I decided to rewrite it again because it would have really gotten too far ahead of the plot. Some of you have said that you were worried that the story might be a little one-sided, focusing mainly on Logan and not getting a whole lot of Kendall's POV, but I promise you I don't do one-sided lol I am completely unable to write something without fully explaining, in detail, what's going on with every relevant character. Just have a little patience, because the pay-off is so going to be worth it!


	8. Don't Be Sorry

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Okay so yeah, the Monday/Thursday thing isn't working out for me. I'm too excited to post these next few chapters, so here is #8. As always, thanks for your reviews (broken record, I know) and kind words! Depending on how far ahead I can get in writing, #9 may show up on Saturday or Sunday. This one is the longest chapter so far, and for good reason! I hope you enjoy.**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>CHAPTER EIGHT<strong>

As Kendall brushed his teeth early the next morning, he wandered to the bathroom door and gazed at Logan, who wrestled unconsciously for those last glorious minutes of sleep. Kendall couldn't help but feel something tugging at his heartstrings. That was his best friend...his best friend. The awkward, sometimes clumsy, sometimes naive, but always loyal egghead was his best friend, and Kendall felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have him.

A good night's sleep had done him a world of good. He was centered again, he was in charge again. The night before, he'd almost gotten to that point...he'd almost had his defenses worn down. But not anymore. Today was a new day, and he was going to take the bull by the horns.

He went to spit out the toothpaste and wash his face, and he was reminded of the promise he'd made to himself. He was going to fix this. Everything. He would help Logan get to a good mental state, and everything would be great. Today, he decided, he would do his best to make it a pleasant day for Logan, partly because he felt a little guilty for the night before. Logan had indeed told him that he wasn't ready to start seeing other girls yet, but Kendall had insisted on rushing things with Michelle. Fine. He learned his lesson. Today, though, he'd make up for all of that. He would do all of Logan's little chores, and he would open himself up to go out and do anything Logan wanted to do. It had been a while since they'd had time together, with no one else around, and he figured they'd both appreciate a fresh reminder of why they were such good friends. And they'd find a girl for Logan...someone, somewhere. And things would be wonderful.

All in due time, Kendall thought to himself. All in due time.

Just as Kendall finished up in the bathroom, Logan was stirring out of bed.

"Good morning!" Kendall greeted cheerfully with just the tiniest dose of hesitation. He regarded Logan for a minute with a bright, sunny smile. "What are we doing today?"

Logan plopped out of bed onto the floor then shuffled to the bathroom. "I have to pee."

Kendall raised his eyebrows but immediately set out to make Logan's bed up. When Logan returned, he was confused.

"Kendall...what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Kendall asked matter-of-factly as he tucked the sheets under the mattress.

Logan, still shaking off the sleep, rubbed his forehead. "But you don't even make your own bed," he said, pointing to the war zone Kendall called a comfortable night's sleep.

"So? Today, I felt like making yours," Kendall said. In minutes, the job was done, and it was a good one at that.

"Okay," Logan nodded. He shouldn't have been surprised one bit that the sight of Kendall making his bed for him turned him on. Not sexually, but emotionally. They were coming early today...the Kendall cramps. As soon as Kendall started doing something that was so very "Kendall" of him, Logan would get that heartsick feeling that came from longing for Kendall and realizing he couldn't have him.

Kendall didn't stop there. At breakfast, he poured Logan's orange juice, and he squeezed syrup on Logan's pancakes. Logan couldn't shake the dream he'd had that night, and Kendall's sunny disposition made him feel even better about it. Those pills had had a wild effect on him, because even now, he was still wondering...what if he did it today? Just told Kendall everything? Oh, he could just imagine Kendall's gorgeous, dimpled smile. Kendall would throw that arm around him and promise to make it all better. Logan would tell Kendall to keep his arms to himself, though, if he really wanted to make it better, and Kendall would laugh. Weeks would go by, maybe a month, and Kendall would start to pull away...spend less time with him. Logan flinched a little as he knew that would probably hurt him, but the ends would justify the means. When it would all be said and done, he'd no longer have such a silly little crush on his best friend, and their friendship would be strengthened.

I'll do it, Logan said to himself as he left the breakfast area to get his phone out his room. Today. I'll do it today.

Of course, the swiftness with which he'd made this choice was not lost on him one bit. Just a day earlier, he'd been ready to do whatever it took - no matter how radical - to get over Kendall. He'd let the stress get to his very core and make him angry, but that dream...whatever purpose it was supposed to have, it was working. He believed in that dream...he believed it could become a reality. Telling Kendall was going to work in his favor, and he thought himself silly for ever thinking it could break their bond. Kendall was making his bed and serving him breakfast...that kind of guy wouldn't get all up in arms over a little crush, would he?

The nagging reminders to "get out" and "meet people" still tugged at him, but he made a solid decision to ignore them. Dr. Riley was nice, but Logan felt like he'd had an epiphany in his sleep, and so now he would only listen to his own instincts. The plan would still be the same, of course. Get over Kendall. But now, Kendall would be in on the plan, and how could that hurt anything? If Kendall was in on the plan, he could take a proactive role in carrying it out. It made sense to him...maybe because he was desperate for it to make sense, maybe because he was terrified of "getting out" and "meeting people." Whatever his reasons were, Logan decided that this would be his new course of action, and the sour feeling that sprung up in his stomach upon making such a quick, rash, radical decision would have to be ignored.

He ran to the bathroom to throw some water on his face. Almost immediately, the little voice in his head began to talk to him. "What are you doing?" it asked. "Now you're going to just tell him? Really? Yesterday, you were ready to forget about him, but now you're going to tell him. All because of a dream you had when you were doped up on sleeping pills. You can't make up your mind, can you? It's because you're losing your mind, that's why! You're going absolutely crazy, Hortense! You'll never be happy!"

"Yes, I will," Logan replied in gritted teeth as he looked himself up and down in the mirror.

Logan grabbed his phone and a book off his nightstand and his journal off the floor (it was safer in his arms than it was just lying around). He hesitated rejoining the others. He had no idea how he was going to go about this...how exactly would one divulge such a secret? Should he do it here, in the apartment, or down by the pool? No, the pool was too public. Maybe at the beach, in Kendall's secret spot. No...he'd get cold feet there. The apartment would have to be it, it seemed. As soon as he could get Carlos and James out, he'd sit down on the couch, and Kendall would more than likely join him, and they'd kick up a conversation about something random...somehow, Logan would segue into his big announcement, and then things would go on from there.

This had to work, he said to himself. But then again, he'd said the same thing about his date with Michelle, and that hadn't been so great.

"Don't you guys wish you had a best friend like me?" Kendall said obnoxiously to James and Carlos as he took Logan's plate to the sink.

Carlos's face turned to mush. "But...but...I thought...I...I thought we were all best friends with each other!"

"It's all right, Carlos! I'm your best friend, and your best friend is cooler, taller, and better looking than Logan's best friend," James offered, giving himself a quick look over in his mirror.

"Relax, guys," Kendall said. "I'm just trying to cheer him up. He's still a little down about Camille leaving, so he needs all of our support, all right?"

Carlos turned to James, oblivious to anything Kendall had said. "Your best friend has a super cool safety helmet, and Kendall's does not!"

"So, what are you guys up to today?" Logan asked as he returned and sat at the kitchen counter with the others. This was his subtle way of making sure they'd be out of the apartment. Mrs. Knight and Katie had already gone to get early seats at a concert.

"There's an acting workshop downtown," said James. "I'm going to get a few pointers - and a few actresses."

Carlos shook his head. "Well, I'm going to the park! I saw the most beautiful girl there yesterday, and today, I'm going to buy her a corn dog."

"Very romantic," said Kendall sarcastically.

"I know!" Carlos replied excitedly.

Kendall rolled his eyes as he finished with the dishes. "Well, me and you, Logan, are going to relax by the pool all day."

No, Logan thought, no...we have to stay in here.

"You know, that sounds nice, but I thought maybe we'd play a little _World of Halo Fantasy 6_," he said, hoping Kendall would go with it.

"That's fine with me," said Kendall. "Whatever you want to do is what I want to do." Once again with the sunny smile and twinkling eyes.

Logan found himself smiling and twinkling back, but there was a bit of relief in it because today would be the day. He was going to tell Kendall, and things would be okay. He'd no longer have to restrain himself from getting wrapped up in Kendall's smile...no, he'd just be able to say, "Kendall, you're doing it again, you're smiling at me and stealing my heart again..." Kendall would stop, they'd laugh, and that would be the end of it. This is what he should have done ages ago...forcing himself to forget Kendall could only backfire, but this? Telling him the truth? This was a surefire plan!

Today would be the day. And Logan was nervous as hell.

"You know, I think I will go down by the pool for a little while," he said, slipping off his stool and going for the door. "I can read a few chapters from _Unsolved Algorithms_, and some of this morning air should do wonders for my sinuses."

"You do that, buddy," Kendall encouraged. "I'll finish cleaning up in here, and then I'll set up the game. Non-stop _World of Halo Fantasy 6_ all day!"

"Sounds good," Logan said as he left. Yes, it sounded good indeed. Kendall would be in too good of a mood to ever let a thing like love ruin his day. As Logan walked down the hall, he felt so dumb for ever thinking he couldn't tell Kendall the truth. But this was the day...and it was going to be awesome.

Back in the apartment, James searched all over the living room for his engraved journal. He had a knack for losing it, and the sight of him tearing through the sofa cushions, digging in cabinets, and destroying everything he could to find it was not uncommon.

"I was writing like...the best song ever!" he yelled. "It was all about me and you guys, but mostly me!"

"You know what? I think you left it in our room," Kendall suggested. Always the voice of reason. Really, the voice of common sense.

James let out a mini-scream as he dashed for Kendall and Logan's room. The journals all looked the same, except for the tiny monograms in the corner of their covers. When James spotted "his" journal lying on the floor next to Logan's bed, he was so relieved that he didn't see the "LM" engraving.

He thumbed through the pages, anxious to give his "Big Time James" a look over with fresh eyes, but he didn't find the lyrics he'd written. Instead, he found some kind of bizarre scribbling that looked nothing like his own handwriting.

"'Logan...Knight?'" he read, though that couldn't have been right. He gave a quick look to the cover and saw Logan's initials. But "Logan Knight"...what did that mean? He looked at another page. "Kendall loves Logan."

He thumbed through more of the pages, silently skimming through various scribbles. Math problems here, scientific formulas there. More "Kendall loves Logan," "Logan loves Kendall," "Kendall and Logan Forever," "The wedding of Kendall Knight and Logan Mitchell - Friday, February 14, 2020." Mini-scream.

"Whoa," he quietly whispered, his mind completely and utterly blown. James was no idiot, so the pieces of the puzzle slowly came together, or so he thought. So Logan...has a crush on Kendall. Logan...is gay! And has a crush...on Kendall!

But wait! He cast a glance at Logan's perfectly-made bed...then to Kendall's messy bed. Then back to Logan's...and back to Kendall's. One of these beds wasn't slept in last night, he thought. And "Kendall loves Logan."

"Cheering up," my ass, he thought. "Some support," my ass. "Best friend," my ass.

"They're fucking," he suddenly said quietly, as if he'd just discovered the cure for cancer. An amused grin came across his face. "Those two are fucking."

"Hey, did you find it?" Kendall asked as he suddenly appeared in the doorway. James, startled to death, almost dropped the journal and glanced at Kendall, wide-eyed, as if he'd been caught with his pants down.

"No," he said. "No, this is...Logan's."

"Are you sure?" Kendall asked, coming closer and reaching for the journal. "I thought he had his when he left."

James slammed it shut and threw it on Logan's bed. "No, it's his. See? LM. Right there on the cover."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I'm just...gonna leave that right there," James said. He began to back out of the room as Kendall stared at him.

"Dude, what's wrong? You're acting like you just stole an extra cookie at bed time!" Kendall laughed.

James giggled nervously. "Um...actually...last night, I did do...exactly that. My conscience said to take one, but I took two. Guilty as charged!"

And with that, he slipped out of the room. Kendall could only shake his head as he ignored the journal lying on Logan's bed.

Yes, Kendall was sure of himself and his abilities again. Logan would be happy soon enough. He'd take his time to refocus himself in reality, and then he'd get with a new girl. Logan would be happy. Kendall would be happy. Jo would probably be happy. Everyone would be just so damn happy, and things would be the way they were supposed to be. That's all Kendall wanted. That's it.

Besides, he'd been feeling lately that they'd all been taking Logan for granted. Yeah, they ribbed him a little for being such a brainiac, but they all loved their little smart friend. He'd always lend an ear to whichever problems they'd have, and Kendall remembered one such instance as he straightened out their closet and put Logan's journal on his book shelf.

_Boxes still filled up almost all available space in the apartment. Six people had moved in - four of them being teenage boys - and that meant tons of clothes, shoes, hockey sticks, comic books, video games, and other personal possessions. The boxes were stacked up seven high, and it was hard to navigate, but everyone had been busy doing other things to really take time to have things settled._

_While his friends were out by the pool, Kendall was holed up amongst the boxes in their apartment, trying his best to keep himself together. He was restless, and he was upset. His whole world had changed in an instant, before he could even think about it, and in just a matter of about a month, he'd gone from living a fairly happy existence in Minnesota to embarking on something completely new and different here on the West Coast. He'd had high hopes, and he had enjoyed the first few days of California living very well. The pool, the drinks, the girls...but homesickness had fallen upon him with the quickness. This place wasn't home to him, and he couldn't imagine it ever being home to him. He liked snow and hot cocoa in the winter and green prairies in the spring. Perpetual summer was nice, but it wasn't home._

_"Kendall? Kendall!" he heard Logan call out. "Are you in here?"_

_No answer, but Logan could see Kendall's door key on the kitchen counter. Quietly, he began to stalk through the boxes until he found a small clearing near the stairs. Kendall sat on the bottom step with his earphones tucked firmly in and his head buried in a tattered old notebook.  
><em>

_Kendall looked up at Logan but didn't say a word. _

_Their eyes were trained on each other, and a startled and shaky Logan inched closer and closer until he sat on the floor. Through the corner of his eye, he could see on the notebook pages all of the old hockey stats that Kendall had kept record of since they were in middle school._

_"Wow," he said, amazed to see the old thing. "I didn't know you still had that."_

_Kendall defiantly closed the notebook and let it drop to the floor._

_"Come on," said Logan. "It's not that bad."_

_"Remember the camping trips? And the lake trips?" Kendall suddenly inquired. "Remember ice skating and being able to play hockey outside on a real rink? We can't do that here. Snowball fights, Mrs. Magicowski's apple pie...my old room...my grandma's grave. None of that is here."_

_Logan gulped. He didn't really know what to say. Kendall was right, of course. There were a lot of good things back home in Minnesota that they'd left behind, but the chance to explore a new part of the country was too exciting._

_"Don't get me wrong," Kendall continued. "I'm glad James is getting to live his dream. I'm extremely happy for him. But what about me and you? We had our own dreams. You want to be a doctor, and I want to be a hockey player, but now what do we do?" He buried his head in his knees and sighed. "I just don't like it when things change._

_Logan rest his hand on Kendall's back. He remembered when Kendall's parents had divorced and how Kendall had cried his eyes out. He didn't want to ever see his best friend cry again._

_"You know, Kendall," he began, looking for the right words, "just because things around us change, it doesn't mean we have to change." That sounded good, and it made sense. "So there won't be snow, so we'll have to play at an indoor rink, so the only apple pie we'll be getting is from McDonald's. But your mom is here, and so is your sister, and so are James and Carlos...and me. And I promised you a long time ago that I would never change."_

_Kendall scowled at him. "What are you trying to say?"_

_"I don't know," Logan answered, discouraged. He just wanted to make things better, but it didn't look like that was working._

_Kendall groaned and stood up. "What you're trying to say is that if we don't let Hollywood change us, things will be fine."_

_"Um...sure?"_

_Kendall paced around the small of the area. "California may be the polar opposite of Minnesota, but we're still the same, and we can't let all of the superficial stuff affect us. No matter what, we have to remember who we are, where we come from, and what we stand for."_

_Logan nodded in wide-eyed agreement. He had no idea where this was coming from, but Kendall was now standing and smiling, so he didn't care. As long as there were no tears._

_"You know, I was seriously thinking about calling it quits on the whole thing," said Kendall, "but you've changed my mind." His eyes glowed at Logan._

_Logan blushed. "Nah, I think I just helped you realize something that you already knew."_

_They smiled at each other for a second, both happy and glad to be doing this crazy new thing among good friends. Neither one knew what Hollywood would come to mean to them, but it didn't matter. They were in it together, and that's the way they'd always be._

_"Last one down is a rotten egg!" Kendall shouted as he raced up the stairs to the slide._

_"Kendall, wait!" Logan tried to warn him, but it was too late. He could hear the epic crash and burn. "The end of the slide is blocked by boxes..."_

_"Yeah, I figured that out."_

What a great memory, Kendall thought.

And they'd have many, many more in the future, more memories just like that one. Two best friends helping each other out.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

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><p>Jo didn't know what exactly she was looking for, but she knew it was there. It had to be. It just...felt right. She was an actress. She played the leading lady on a hit teen drama. She knew romance. She knew what it looked like when someone was in love. And she saw it every time Logan Mitchell came sniffing around her boyfriend.<p>

But that was a horrible way of putting it. Logan didn't "sniff" around Kendall. They were best friends, and they had been for years. Logan could be introverted, but Kendall was very extroverted, and they evened each other out well. From the very beginning, Jo could see why they were such close friends, and she could see just how close they were. She'd had her suspicions, but Kendall had a way of showing her how much he loved her. Every picnic that she might not have appreciated, every candlelight dinner, every evening on the beach, every hug, every kiss, every night they could manage to be alone, and every time Kendall would exert his masculinity on her...and in her. She knew she was loved.

But Logan. There was something about the way the cute, raven-haired guy looked at Kendall with a plain and clear affection. Sure, all of the boys loved each other. They were friends, and they'd gone through a lot together. But the way Logan looked at Kendall was different...much different. There was feeling in those eyes, there was longing, and Jo had seen it enough times to let her suspicions get stronger.

She often wondered if there had been something in Kendall and Logan's past. What if they'd done something when they were younger and more curious, and Logan just couldn't let it go? What if Kendall wasn't as over it as she hoped he would be? What if Logan and Kendall were doing things behind her back, still, and laughing about it in her face?

That's why she was so damn insecure about Kendall. That's why she couldn't trust him. Jordin Sparks? Please. All those times Jo had seen Kendall in various states of intimacy with the lovely Miss Sparks, it had awakened all of the things she'd feared of Logan. That crazed fan at the guys' beach party? Once again, Jo could only think about Logan and his effect on Kendall. It almost became an obsession, to the point where she'd gotten just a little resentful of Logan.

She had reason to be jealous. All of the little inside jokes Logan and Kendall had, the way one could convey his thoughts to the other with just one look. The way they sometimes finished each other's sentences, too. The way Logan knew that Kendall loved his pink smoothies. The way Kendall never missed a chance to bring Logan somewhere, to experience something new with him. The way Kendall took Logan in his arms and kissed him on the lips. But that one had just been a nightmare Jo'd had.

Still, though, she didn't hate Logan. She could be jealous, she could be a little resentful, but she did not hate him, and if her suspicions were correct - and she just knew they were - she wouldn't hold it against him. She'd make him understand that Kendall belonged to her, but she wasn't out for blood.

She was a smart girl. Smarter than anyone had ever given her credit for. But she was also driven. Sometimes, she'd lose her way, but she'd always have her eyes on the prize. And this time? The prize was a confession, some kind of confirmation, that her suspicions were right.

She spied Logan as he lay on a chair by the Palm Woods pool. This was the guy she was so sure was trying to ruin her relationship. This feeble little dork was the guy she was somewhat afraid of, if she'd ever let herself admit to being afraid of anything. She couldn't believe it herself at times, but looks could be deceiving.

Though she tried to wait in the shadows, Logan was sure it was her. He could see her through the corner of his eye, and it had to be her. But...it couldn't be her! She wasn't supposed to be there...not on this day. This day was supposed to be about him and Kendall being friends, being best friends. They'd play video games, and then Logan would tell him, and Kendall would understand, and things would be great. Of course, she would come back - she had to, because she was essential to the plan - but she wasn't supposed to be back today. Not today.

But it was her.

"Logan! You're just the guy I was looking for," Jo said as she appeared next to Logan's chaise by the pool.

"Jo," he said, casually slipping the journal under the chair and out of view. He'd been so wrapped up in his book that he'd never noticed the initials on the cover. "I thought...aren't you supposed to be in Hawaii?"

Jo made herself comfortable on the chaise next to Logan's. "Yes, well, we took an early flight back."

"So you went to Hawaii for a few hours of publicity work...at night?"

"Yes."

"Oh...okay." Something felt fishy about the whole thing.

Jo put on her shades and lay back coolly in her chair.

Logan did his best to keep it together. Okay, so Jo was back early. That wouldn't ruin his plan. Kendall wouldn't let her get in the way of their day. She'd go off with her friends again like she'd done at the beach the day before, and Kendall and Logan would have some alone time, just like at the beach. Only this time, Logan would cut the Camille crap and just tell Kendall the truth. Jo being back would not change anything.

"Where's Kendall?" she asked casually, not wanting her motivations to become obvious.

"Upstairs," Logan replied. He tried to remain cool and calm. This wasn't going to bother him, it wasn't going to get to him. Besides, he had no right to let this get to him. Jo was Kendall's girlfriend, and she had a right to know where he was.

Ugh, Logan thought to himself. You're overreacting again.

"I guess he'll come down and drag me off to go somewhere or do something with him," said Jo.

No, he isn't, thought Logan.

"Um...actually...we have plans for today," he said. God, he didn't want that to sound strange or weird or anything, but how could it not? He felt like he was claiming ownership of Kendall, but in a way, he was. He had eight years with Kendall compared to Jo's two. He wasn't above telling a bitch to back off and know her role, but he had to remind himself that that wasn't his plan. His plan was to get over Kendall, not try to make him into something he wasn't.

"Oh," Jo replied. She began to lotion her arms and legs. "Then I guess it's you who he'll be dragging off then."

"Heh."

She grew quiet. This wasn't going to be easy. She couldn't just come right out and ask him, "Hey, you wanna fuck my man, don't you?" That would just lack class. And, plus, she knew it was deeper than just sex. If she wanted to get the information she wanted, that confirmation, she'd have to go in around the outside, be discrete, and then go in for the ambush. Damn, she thought, I've been auditioning for way too many war movies.

She put the lotion down and swung her legs over the side of her chair to face Logan. Logan could feel the pressure, but he didn't want to look at her. It was as if, somehow, she knew what he was planning to do that day. But she couldn't...could she? How could she ever know? What signs had he ever sent to her to let her know that he wanted Kendall?

No, he decided. She doesn't know. Just being paranoid...again.

"Logan, we need to talk," she said.

He almost dropped his book. "Talk? We don't...we don't need to talk...do we?"

Jo smiled, trying to keep things light and comfortable. "I think we do."

No, Logan thought. No...no.

There was something about the way she looked at him. He could just tell. But how could she possibly know?

"Uh...what do you want to talk about? I mean, what do you think we have to talk about?" he clumsily asked.

"About me...about you...about Kendall."

But she couldn't know! He scrambled for another explanation and found one. Kendall had done it again. Kendall had freaking done it again. Logan had told him in no uncertain terms that he had no feelings whatsoever for Jo. But Kendall went and told Jo that he did. And now Jo was here to give him those crushing, heartbreaking words. "You're a nice guy, but I see you as just a friend." That's what she would say.

But Logan got a hold of himself. He didn't even like Jo that way, so why would those words be crushing to him?

"Listen," he said, "I don't know what Kendall told you, but trust me, it's not true."

Jo was confused. "Kendall didn't tell me anything."

"He didn't?"

"No. Was he supposed to tell me something?"

"Oh," Logan said, "um...nothing. It's nothing."

"No," she said, leaning over to his chair, almost getting in his face. "What was he supposed to tell me?"

"It's nothing to worry about! It's nothing."

This was why, right here. This was why Jo was always so damn suspicious of Kendall, and Logan too. This. How could he say something like that but then not explain to her what he'd meant? Did he want her to run away with wild assumptions and suspicions and fears? She was trying to be nice to him, but he didn't seem to appreciate it. This was why. Exactly why.

Keep your cool, she told herself. Keep it together. Remember your lines.

"See, this is what I wanted to talk about," she said, trying hard to keep control over the tone of her voice. "Look, I know Kendall's your best friend, and you look out for him, and...and I know that I haven't always been the best girlfriend to him."

Logan put down his book.

Jo continued. "But I'm trying to do better, Logan, I swear. I know that you have your reasons to not like me or whatever, but-"

"I like you, Jo," Logan interjected. "I mean...I don't not like you."

"Come on, Logan," she said with a smirk, "you don't have to lie to me. I mean, I'm not completely stupid. Yesterday, at the beach, you couldn't wait for me to leave."

"That's not true!"

"Oh, it's not? Sure. What about all the times me, you, and Kendall go somewhere, and you just stand there, and you don't even talk to me?"

"I just figure you and Kendall would rather talk to each other," he squeaked.

Jo took a deep breath to center herself then smiled. She didn't want this to be tense...she didn't want Logan to be afraid to just tell her the truth. She wasn't going to hate him or hit him or blab his secret to everyone else. She just wanted the truth.

"Logan, please, just...if you have a problem with me, just let me know. And don't tell me you don't, because I know you do."

Logan clung to the back of his chair. He wanted to just get up and go, run away from her questions, but he couldn't. What was she looking for? Why was she suddenly hounding him over this? Okay, yes, sometimes he could be contemptuous of her. What the hell, he was VERY contemptuous of her. He was jealous of her, he didn't like the way she treated Kendall. But, damn it, sometimes, like this moment, she could really make him feel guilty for being inconsiderate of her feelings. She wasn't supposed to know that he didn't like the job she was doing as Kendall's girl...she wasn't supposed to know that Logan felt Kendall could do better...she wasn't supposed to know that he wanted Kendall.

But she couldn't. How could she know?

He could feel the skin peeling off his body and his hair falling out, follicle by follicle. "I don't know what you want me to say," he said slowly.

"I want you to say...I want you to say..." She knew what she wanted him to say, but she couldn't be the one to bring it up. It had to be him. "Tell me that you think I don't deserve him! Tell me that you think he should be with-!" She caught herself and waited with baited breath.

Me, Logan wanted to say. Me! He should be with me! And you know it! You know it!

Did it matter if she knew? He was going to tell Kendall...but Kendall wouldn't have told her. It would have been their little secret. Telling Jo wasn't necessary...she was just a tool, an object, in the plan. She didn't have to know.

But it didn't matter now, because she knew. She obviously knew.

His silence spoke volumes.

"Jo, I'm sorry," he said. "If...if I ever came across as an asshole to you, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry!" she exclaimed, her nerves getting jumpy. "Don't apologize! Just own it! Own it! Say it!"

Shortly before Jo made this demand, Kendall had come down from Apartment 2J. Like Logan, he'd done a double take upon seeing her. She was supposed to be in Hawaii, not here. When did she get in? He'd just spoken with her on the phone shortly before Logan had waken up, and she'd said nothing about being back in California. And why would she go on a publicity trip to Hawaii only to come back the very next morning? It made no sense.

Why were she and Logan having what seemed to be a very intense conversation? Why was she standing over his chair? Why was she...yelling at him? Kendall couldn't hear their words, but he could see their faces, and he wasn't going to let this happen. He knew Jo could get jealous, and bringing Logan to the beach the previous day had set her off, but Kendall went head first into everything he did, and today, he was going to be the best friend Logan needed. Jo's tantrums weren't gonna get in the way of that.

"Jo," he called as he approached them. "What are you doing here, and why are you yelling at Logan?"

Jo, desperate for Logan to just come right out and say what she wanted to hear, turned to Kendall and felt a sudden and violent urge to tackle him into the pool. Did he not know that she was an inch away from getting Logan to open up, to say the truth, to finally reveal everything? Did he not know that she was doing this for him? And for Logan? And for herself? Oh, she already knew what Logan was thinking, she already knew that Logan wanted Kendall. She could see it on his terrified, cowering face, but she wanted the confirmation, that solid, concrete piece of truth. She just wanted to hear Logan said it, because it was always the not knowing that hurt the most.

"I'm just..." she began, ransacking her brain for a suitable excuse. "I'm telling him that he needs to call Michelle and apologize for the way he acted last night!"

"What?" Logan exclaimed.

Kendall reacted with confusion. "Wait a minute, why should Logan have to apologize to her?" he asked. "The way it seems to me, she should be the one saying 'I'm sorry,' not Logan."

Jo's and Logan's eyes met. He could read her face. She knew, but she wasn't going to say anything, and he could feel an unexpected, but very welcome, relief fill his body.

"What are you even doing here?" Kendall asked again. "When did you get in from Hawaii?"

"This morning," Jo answered, preparing a lie. "We...we came back early. The venue...the venue. Uh, the venue, it had some problems, a roach infestation or something like that. I don't know. I don't care."

Feeling like she'd been cheated out of her sweet confirmation, she slumped back down on her chair. She didn't want to hurt Logan, and she knew if she made him say it in front of Kendall...that would have killed him. It would have killed her, too, because she didn't know how Kendall would react or what that reaction would mean for her. No, it was best to keep it quiet for now.

"Oh," said Kendall, glad to see that this situation wasn't as bad he'd thought it was. "Well...don't take it out on Logan, okay?" he suggested to Jo as he squatted between the two lounge chairs.

Of course you're primarily concerned with his feelings, Jo thought. He comes before me on the list of priorities...always.

She just nodded her head and slipped on her shades. "Michelle called me last night and said that she had a horrible time," she announced, effortlessly falling into character and checking Logan to make sure he was following her lead.

Kendall looked to Logan caringly. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Logan said.

Kendall turned back to Jo. "Yeah, well, Logan didn't have much of a great time, either. It might have helped if there had been another couple there to double date with them, but that idea...for whatever reason...seems totally radical to me."

"Well, what was I supposed to do?" Jo asked. "My work is very important, and I can't just call our producer a turd like you do with Gustavo."

Logan glanced over at her as she lay proudly on the chair. He couldn't see her eyes behind the sunglasses, but there was a feeling stirring inside him. Jo knew, all right...she knew, but she also cared. Somehow, for some reason, she cared about him, and she wasn't going to ruin his life, even though she had all the tools necessary to do so.

And, as Kendall and Jo continued with their harmless back-and-forth bickering, Logan began to wonder...what if he tried to explain it to her? What if he told her that she had nothing to worry about because Logan wasn't trying to rob her of her boyfriend. Even though he wanted to, of course. But that wasn't what he was trying to do, and he wanted her to understand that. Maybe, just maybe, she could be of enormous help to him.

So...don't tell Kendall, he thought. Tell Kendall nothing...tell Jo everything.

"Well, time for me to kick your ass in _World of Halo Fantasy_," Kendall said to Logan as he rose to his feet.

"Um...what about Jo?" Logan asked, eying both of them.

"What about her?"

"Oh please, Logan," said Jo, "you know I have no interest in playing that stupid game. I'm going shopping."

Jo got up and moved in on Kendall. "I'll see you later," she said with a kiss. As she walked away, she couldn't help but feel ashamed of herself. Did she really have to do that? Did she really have to bring Logan that close to self-destruction? Did she have to break him down that way? And for what? It didn't matter. She'd been a girl on a mission, and that mission was accomplished.

Besides, this couldn't be a bad thing. Oh, maybe it would be at first, but in the long run? Honesty was always a good thing. Always. Except for when she had to lie to get what she wanted. But if Logan wanted Kendall, fine. He'd have to get over it sooner or later because Kendall belonged to her, and she was very capable of reminding him of that fact.

Kendall and Logan started on their way back to the apartment, but Logan's great feelings about the day were gone, gone, gone. Jo knew. She fucking knew. But Jo cared. If she wanted to destroy him, she would have done it right then and there.

But what if she wanted something from him? What if she was planning to save this information for when she'd really need it. Oh God...what would she make him do to keep her silence? What embarrassing, humiliating things would she make him do?

Logan could have cried. He wanted to. Oh, how he wanted to. This was just...it was too much. It was just too much. He had to explain himself to her. He had to reach her. He had to let her know that he wasn't out to get Kendall from her, that he just wanted the opposite. She'd have to understand, right? And then, maybe, Kendall wouldn't even have to know. Jo could be his saving grace. She'd insist upon Kendall spending all of his free time with her, not Logan, and slowly, but surely, Kendall would be out of sight and out of mind.

Except for at night, when they'd sleep in the same room.

In the back of his mind, he knew nothing would change, but he had to do something. Anything!

Get to Jo, he told himself as he and Kendall sat down to play their game. Get to Jo, and get her on your side.

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Hmm...what does Jo have up her sleeve? And oh my God, what is JAMES going to do with what he thinks is the truth? Keep reading to find out!


	9. Inferno

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Whew! This one was VERY HARD to write. Like...you have NO IDEA. But I got it done! If it seems a little "all over the place," I sincerely apologize, but...it was a killer to write! There are no flashbacks or dreams in this chapter. I actually had two ideas I was working with, but neither one of them really flowed well, and either one of them would have put this chapter well over 8500 words! Thank you all for your comments, and happy reading!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE (09/17):** The major revisions to this chapter are in the second scene. Everything else is basically the same.**  
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><p><strong>CHAPTER NINE<strong>

This would have been the moment, he thought. Right now, I'd be telling him...and right now, he'd be laughing...and now, I'd tell him that I was being serious. He'd stop, look at me, smile...then he'd say he knew all along. And I'd smile. And he'd hug me.

I'm such a coward. A loser.

Logan could barely keep his grip on the game controller because his nerves were just that tattered, his body just that weak. Everything in his life was happening too fast in the last couple of days...just too fast. Too many decisions, too many plans, too many things to get in his way. Just what was he supposed to do now?

He thought about Jo. Where was she now? Probably out shopping, like she said she'd be. With friends whom she'd tell about him, friends who would laugh and laugh at some poor kid they didn't even know.

But Jo cares, he reminded himself. Jo cares.

Kendall was mellow. Normally, he'd be in the middle of merrily destroying Logan, chopping his head off and dancing in a pool of his blood, but today...today just felt different. For a minute, he felt old, as if the happy times of days gone by were just a distant memory now, never to return because life would never be a place of happiness anymore. How could it be, when there was always something new sprouting up to give him problems?

But I'm fixing it, he said to himself as he prepared to confront Logan. I'm fixing it.

"Okay, what would you rather be doing?" he asked as he got up to turn off the game.

"What do you mean?" Logan replied slowly.

"You're sitting there...obviously somewhere else."

"Oh, it's nothing..." He looked down, but he could feel Kendall's eyes on him.

Kendall knew "fixing it" wasn't going to be easy, but it was his job and he was up to the challenge. Still, though, he felt he had to tread lightly. One false move, and he'd be back where he'd been the night before, and that couldn't happen.

"Well," he said, sitting back down on the couch next to Logan, "what do we do now?"

Logan knew he couldn't do it. Not today. Kendall's intentions were obviously good, but today was just not a good day for this "best friend bonding" thing. But then again, would there ever be a good day for that?

Yes, Logan thought. After I tell Jo everything, after she helps me, after I get over Kendall.

He knew he had to get to Jo.

"Actually," he said, "I think I'm gonna go take a nap. Gustavo's gonna work us tomorrow, I know it, and I want to be well-rested."

"Well-rested? Logan, it's 12:30! You have all day to get rest. As a matter of fact, why don't we go to the beach?"

"We just went there yesterday, Kendall..."

"So? There's no rule against going to the beach every day, is there?"

"No."

"Okay, then, let's go."

There'd be tons of beach babes there for sure, and one of them would want to snag Logan. Kendall knew he was supposed to be taking it slow, but this was an opportunity that stared him right in the face. Even if they didn't find a girl, they'd at least be around plenty. They could sit and talk about long blonde hair, shapely bodies, girlish giggles, and bikini-clad boobs.

It was all for naught, though, because Logan found himself mustering up the strength to refuse the invitation. Maybe it wasn't him mustering up the strength as much as it was him being too weak to stand.

"Are you serious?" Kendall asked when he returned with a few towels.

"Please, Kendall," Logan said desperately. "I really just want to go lie down."

Kendall had to scold himself. Don't push it...don't force it. Just wait, and things will turn out fine.

"Okay," he finally agreed. "Take your nap. I'll go out for a walk. I can use the exercise."

Logan rose and passed Kendall on his way to their room. Nah, Kendall definitely didn't need any exercise. He was already perfect.

After Kendall put the beach stuff back in the closet, he grabbed his room key and a bottle of water from the fridge. Okay, so maybe today wouldn't be the epic day of friendship that he hoped it would be. Maybe Logan needed some time and his space. Okay, Kendall thought, I can deal with that.

"Fixing it" was never easy. Never. And he knew it would probably be a lifelong job, but he was okay with that. He was perfectly fine with that. The alternative - leaving it alone, letting it grow, letting it turn into something, letting it affect him, letting nature take its course - was too scary for him to do otherwise.

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><p>Jo sipped from a glass of wine in her family's living room. Both of her parents were out, and when they were away, she liked to play with the liquor cabinet. She wasn't some overzealous teenage drunk who played beer pong with little red plastic cups, though. She had too much class for that. She only had a drink when she needed it, and today, she really needed it.<p>

Does Kendall know?

That was the question on her mind. That's what she wanted the confirmation for. Shit, she knew Logan had feelings for Kendall. It had been a long, long time since she'd actually questioned that, and even still, the sight of him cowering in that lounge chair proved that. No, what she wanted to know was...was there anything more? Those fears she'd have...that sudden rush of trepidation that she'd feel every time Logan looked at Kendall...was it just unrequited love in his eyes, or was it just the tip of a gigantic iceberg of secrets that she knew nothing about?

She didn't want to believe Kendall was a person who could easily tell lies, but her suspicions usually ate up any rational thought. Even if there was nothing deep and dark in his past, even if he just knew that Logan had feelings for him, Jo didn't want to believe that he could know and not tell her. They were a couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend. They weren't supposed to keep secrets like that from each other. But Kendall and Logan were best friends, and best friends were supposed to share secrets like that with each other.

Logan's secret. Or did it belong to both of them?

Kendall was a compassionate guy. He threw himself into making sure his loved ones were happy, and Jo could just imagine how he'd respond to Logan's little revelation - that is, of course, if he didn't already know. Oh, he'd throw that arm around old Logan and tell him everything would be all right. He'd say that he wouldn't let it come between the two of them, and he'd tell Logan that they'd be best friends, just as they'd always been, forever and ever. And anyone who had a problem with that would be kicked out of their lives.

Kendall had told her many, many times the story of how he and Logan had become friends, and she understood why they were so close, but still...she had a deep-seated resentment for how careful Kendall was with Logan, as if Logan was some delicate little flower that Kendall just had to keep intact, no matter what. The predominant part of Jo's psyche would just chalk it up to their strong friendship and Kendall's messiah complex, but there was always that little bit...that teeny tiny kernel. That kernel made her jealous, suspicious, distrusting, and spiteful. That kernel made her resentful, and that kernel sometimes made her bitter. And that kernel had grown bigger and bigger over the years, until it threatened to take precedence over the more rational side of her mind.

There were times when she just couldn't shake the images. Kendall touching Logan. Logan looking at him with those eyes...those eyes that only meant one thing. Kendall caressing Logan, petting his body...Logan moving his hands up and down Kendall's chest. Kendall wrapping his arms around Logan's waist...their lips touching...their tongues dancing...every single sensation in their bodies getting heavier. Their clothes falling to the ground, their eyes never flinching...

But that wasn't real. It was only a figment of her imagination, created by evil forces, and she wouldn't let them win.

She knew she had to get Logan alone again. She knew she'd always have the upper hand with him. He was spineless, he was weak. He was a nice guy, but he was a push-over. If she wanted some information out of him, all she had to do was raise her voice a little, stand up taller than him, and ask him. He'd tell her the truth. She smiled a little as she thought about how he'd went from his feeble little "It's nothing, it's nothing" to an even feebler, but much more truthful, "I'm sorry" by the pool.

Sorry for what? What was there for him to be sorry about? Merely having a crush on her boyfriend...or...loving her boyfriend? Loving him in the ways she wanted to believe only she had done.

Jo had to know. Before she could formulate her plan...before she could make her next move, she had to be sure of what she was going up against. Whatever it was, though, it didn't matter. Whether it was "just a crush" or years and years of secret devotions, she was going to do her best to exterminate it. She learned a lot from the bitchy happenings of _New Town High_...she knew how to get things done while keeping her hands clean, and if she'd have to play dirty to keep her man, she would.

One thing was for certain. If Kendall didn't already know...she wasn't going to let him find out, under any circumstances, about any of it.

Then, suddenly, the doorbell rang. She scrambled to get rid of the wine and lock up the cabinet.

Outside, Logan was a wreck.

"Please be home, please be home..."

He knew his knocks were probably too light, but he'd pressed the doorbell, so if she was home, she would have answered already. And plus, didn't she say she'd be out shopping?

He didn't even know what he was going to say to her once he had the chance to talk to her. She obviously "knew," but how much did she really know? How much of it was false assumption?

That's why I'm here, he thought to himself. I have to set her straight.

Straight. Ha.

Luckily for him, there were footsteps getting louder on the other side of the door, and there she was.

"Logan," she greeted, not expecting him to be there.

This is it, she thought. This is it. I'm gonna find out all there is to find out.

She immediately felt her heart rate increase, but she held on for dear life to her "cool," to her calmness. She could see that he was still messed up, but she didn't want him to know that she was, too. She had to remain in control...she had to stay focused.

"What's wrong?" she asked, trying, but failing, to inject warmth into the words to cover up her anxiousness.

"Umm," he began. She knew damn well what was wrong. She had that look again, that "knowing" look. "I think...umm...I think we need to talk about some...stuff."

She didn't say anything...just slightly stepped out of the way to let him through the door. She was eager to get right back to where they'd left off, but part of getting back to where they'd left off meant making him say it. She didn't want to shoot her accusations at him, for that would only show how vulnerable she was. No, she wanted him to say it, and she wanted him to say it all.

As Logan took a seat on the couch, she poured two cups of coffee. He could see her hands shaking just a little, and he could see how she stared into the cups as if she was in some sort of trance. All it did was make him even more unhinged, even sicker...what was she going to do to him? It was bad enough talking to Dr. Riley about his feelings for Kendall, but at least that was a stranger. At least that was an older person who didn't even know Kendall. At least that was someone who wasn't also attracted to Kendall. But this...with Jo? He felt like he was going to shit on himself at any moment.

Jo gave him his cup, and he took a sip from it. She didn't sit, though. No, sitting next to him would be too close. She wanted to see him as he said it, so she stood by the counter, and the distance between them was both literal and figurative. She reviewed in her mind the best way to go about this. Obviously, he was there to talk to her about "it," but she knew how Logan was. She knew he could be a little scaredy cat, so he was going to need some pushing. Fine. She could push. But she wasn't going to let him off too easily. She looked at him as he meekly drank his coffee. All she could see was someone who could very well be ready to break her heart in the most crushing of ways.

"I thought you and Kendall were playing that stupid game," she said shakily, trying to make it clear that she wasn't going to be the one bringing "it" up.

"Uh...yeah. We were. We kinda got bored, though."

Bored? Jo thought. And then what? What did you do to kill your boredom? Did you go into your room? And have sex with my boyfriend? Or maybe you just sat and held hands, talking about how stupid I am for not knowing what's going on between the two of you.

She snapped out of it and nodded. "Yeah, I was gonna go shopping, but then I thought about it, and I don't really feel like dealing with the crowds. So I guess both our plans changed."

"Yeah," Logan nervously chuckled. Crap, he thought...crap. She's going to make me say it.

I'm going to make you say it, Jo thought.

"Where's Kendall?" she asked, her sips from the cup slowly sliding from calculated and controlled to mildly neurotic and unstable. She eyed him like a black cat preparing to strike in the night.

Logan gulped. "He, uh, went for a walk. You know him...he likes to go off by himself sometimes."

"Yeah," she said sharply, losing control of her instincts. "I do know him. He is my boyfriend after all." That sounded way meaner than she'd intended for it to sound, but this was turning into a life-or-death situation, and she knew she had to stand her ground as much as possible.

Those piercing words shook Logan. The whole thing reminded him of when he'd been in Dr. Riley's office, how he wished someone else could come in and tell Jo that he did have feelings for Kendall, and then he'd be glad to explain to her that he knew he could never have him and that he just wanted her to help him get over Kendall. Just like in Dr. Riley's office, though, there was no one there but him, and he had to do what he had to do.

Summoning all of the strength he could find, he put down his coffee cup. "Jo," he said. "I want you to understand something." He tried to look at her, but her eyes were so intense. They both quickly shed their pretense and were suddenly back where they were by the pool before Kendall had showed up.

"What?" she asked, still with that sharpness. She could feel herself wanting to move closer to him, to get back in his face and drag it all out of him, but she planted her feet firmly in the ground and clung to the countertop behind her. It was getting ready to come...the eruption of whatever secrets she'd been dying to know about. Good or bad...that confirmation was coming.

"What is there for me to understand, Logan?"

Her intense stare unnerved Logan, but he tried to remember why he was there in the first place. He could see she was upset, and he understood why. She knew! She knew that he loved Kendall! Even if she wasn't going to tell him that she knew, she obviously knew! But if only she could just understand...

"I want you to understand that...I care about Kendall...a lot. Like...a lot," he explained, spontaneously smiling as he thought about the depth of his love for Kendall. But there was always that self-control. "He loves you, Jo...he is crazy about you, and I get that, and I accept that, and-"

"But you don't like it," she interjected accusingly.

He paused and let the words sink in, nibbling a little on his lower lip. No, he didn't like it! He never did! But that's not what this was supposed to be about...it wasn't supposed to be about him telling her why she was wrong for Kendall.

"Look, Jo..."

"What, Logan? Huh? I told you I'm not stupid! I told you that I know you have your reasons for not liking me. What are they? Huh? Tell me!" Her words were getting shorter and harder, and the cup in her hand was trembling. She just wanted him to open his mouth, say it, and let her respond the way she needed to respond. It was the least he could do.

He felt backed up against the wall. Why was she making him do this if she already knew? Why?

"I think you already know," he said tremblingly.

Her eyes widened, amazed at how hesitant he was to just say it. "What, Logan, what? What do I already know? Huh?" she asked as she allowed herself to slowly move towards him. She stopped halfway between the counter and the sofa. "Why can't you just tell me? Huh? Why do you keep stalling? Why do you keep dancing around the subject? Why can't you just say it? Don't you think you owe me that?"

He could feel his body fill with timor. She was doing it...she was beginning to overpower him...she was going to make him say it! He was beginning to feel one foot tall, and she was going to make him do or say whatever it was she wanted him to do or say! He felt powerless.

"Tell me, Logan!" she demanded. "Just tell me the truth! That's all I want!"

"The truth?" he asked fearfully.

"Yes! Say it!"

"But you already know!"

"I don't care! I want to hear you say it!"

"You already kno-"

"I don't care! I don't care!"

But Jo was supposed to care! He thought that she cared! She made him think that she cared!

His eyes narrowed on her, and it was all becoming clearer. She didn't care about him. She didn't give a damn about him! She only cared about herself! She wanted him to say something? Fine. But he wasn't going to just tell her what she already knew. He owed her something, all right. He owed her some cold hard facts, and he was ready to give them to her. She might have had Kendall's body, but he had Kendall's heart and soul, and she needed to know that.

"You want me to say it?" he quivered. "All right. I'll say it. I DON'T like the fact that Kendall's with you, and I'd love it if he dumped you! You don't deserve him, and you treat him like shit! You don't even appreciate him! He tries so hard to make you happy, but you don't even care! And when he's all down because of something you did, guess who he runs to! Guess!"

The words rattled out of him like an breathless string of everything he'd been wanting to say to her for a long time, but they were honest and full of conviction.

"He comes to me! He comes to me because he knows I won't ever let him down the way you have over and over again!"

The pain swept Jo's face. It was coming...that big revelation, that big secret, that big heartbreak. He was going to tell her...she could feel it naturally coming from him. He was going to spell it out for her. All of the little details. Their touching and their kissing, their rubbing and their licking...just them. Them. The way they were in her nightmares.

"And what?" she steamed. "Huh? What else? You're gonna tell me that you love him?"

"Yes!"

"And that he loves you? Huh?"

"Yes! Yes!"

It was such a relief to just assert it. He wasn't even hearing her questions...he wasn't even aware of the explosive thing he'd just affirmed. "It's all true! Every last part of it!"

Confirmation. But it wasn't the confirmation she'd wanted! It wasn't what she'd been counting on! He was supposed to stand there and pledge his miserable, useless, pointless, unrequited love for Kendall as she reminded him over and over again through snide remarks that he could never have him! She had her fears, but...oh, she'd been so sure that they were without any weight!

The nightmares...the fears...they began to play in her mind. She knew she was in her living room, she knew Logan was sitting in front of her...she knew it was just a Wednesday afternoon. But she felt herself plunged into darkness, and the only sound she could hear was laughter...their laughter. The only thing she could see was the two of them together...

It stung her like a scorpion, and it made her tremble all over, almost like she was having a seizure. Her eyes darted all over the room. She felt an immense sense of loss. Pure loss.

Logan loves Kendall, she thought, only she wasn't even thinking...just repeating those bruising statements in her head like a mantra. Logan loves Kendall. And Kendall loves Logan. They love each other. And Kendall loves Logan.

Kendall loves Logan. Not me.

Kendall and Logan...in her mind, they were looking at each other, completely disregarding her presence. They were sending thoughts to each other...secret thoughts...erotic thoughts...lusty thoughts...sexy thoughts. They were standing next to each other...and they were touching...their eyes were touching...their hands were touching...their bodies were touching. And Logan moved his lips across Kendall's cheek...his hand across Kendall's sensitive area. Kendall took Logan in his arms...in his bed...and Logan welcomed Kendall into him. Their connection was deep...strong...unbreakable. No one could touch it...no one could come between them.

Definitely not you, Jo's little voice told her.

Kendall. She lost Kendall. He wasn't hers... That boy...that one and only boy...he was the only one who'd ever made her feel loved. Yeah, she sometimes didn't trust him. Yeah, she was always away. Yeah, she sometimes didn't take into consideration his thoughts and feelings. But Kendall...she needed him! She truly did! For he'd saved her when she thought she was well beyond any salvation!

It was all a lie, though...it was all a lie.

Surely Logan knew that Jo needed Kendall, right? Yeah, she'd made Kendall swear that he'd never tell a single soul about her secret...about the one thing that would bind them together forever...but Kendall had told Logan anyway, right? Didn't Kendall tell Logan everything? Didn't they have secret talks late at night, just after making love? Didn't Logan know that, for her, losing Kendall was like losing air?

He didn't.

Logan was having his own emotional high. She knew! And now she REALLY knew! She knew that he didn't like her! She knew that he wanted her gone! She knew that he'd have taken her out of Kendall's life forever if he could have! She knew that he loved Kendall more than she could ever imagine! She knew! And it was hurting her! It was hurting her to her core! It was exactly what she'd forced him to say, and now she was paying for it! She was paying for it all!

But then it hit him as he started to come down from the high.

She thinks Kendall loves me, he thought. She thinks me and Kendall...she thinks...she thinks...

Part of him wanted her to go on thinking it, too. He wanted her to feel that burn, to feel her world crashing down around her and to lose the person she loved. Part of him wanted her to just shrivel down into nothingness as she imagined he and Kendall making love and growing old together. Part of him wanted to stand up and kick her while she was down, jumping on her and dancing all over her grave. He wanted her to die. Just like how he'd died...just like how he'd shriveled down into nothingness so many times before...just like how his world had crashed down around him so many times before...just like how he'd been burned every single time he saw her and Kendall together.

He even smiled at her...laughed...he didn't even know he was doing it, but it felt so fucking good! She was dying right there in front of him, and he was enjoying it.

But it began to sink in on him...the self-control...the restraint...his conscience. He couldn't do this...this wasn't why he was here! This was not how it was supposed to be! What if she...what if she got up and ran out of there, finding Kendall and telling him? What would Kendall do? How would he react? He'd hate Logan forever for killing Jo this way...he'd hate Logan forever for starting this incredible lie. And the both of them...Kendall and Jo...they'd tell the world that Logan Mitchell was nothing but a dirty little queer.

"Wait, Jo, no! It's not what you think!" he exclaimed, hoping it wasn't too late, hoping she wasn't too far gone. "It's not...he doesn't even know! Kendall doesn't know!"

Jo, in the midst of her grief, could barely make out what he was saying.

"I was going to tell him," Logan explained, "but I couldn't! Not after this morning! Not after I found out you knew!"

Jo closed her eyes and rubbed a rough hand over her face, feeling for her temples and squeezing them. Anguish. A whirlwind of emotions. Was it a dream...was it a nightmare?

She didn't move. It was like she was suffering from delayed reaction. She stared at him, burning a hole through him with the inferno in her eyes.

"You can't have him," she shot at him insecurely. "You can't..."

Logan flinched as the knife went through his heart. "I know," he sobbed. "I know...please, Jo...just don't tell him...don't tell him."

The fire was still in Jo's eyes. She was done. He'd done enough damage to her...he'd destroyed her enough.

"Get out," she said. "Get out."

"Jo, you have to let me explain-"

"Get out!" she yelled in a whisper. "Get. The fuck. Out!"

Logan scrambled to his feet and made his way to the door flinging it open and closing it just as fast. He fell back against it, feeling like a million things had just happened. And what was next? What was she going to do? How could this happen? Why did he ever come down here in the first place? Why did he tell her? Why did she make him tell her? Why didn't he just tell Kendall that morning like he was going to? Why did he...why...why did this whole thing have to happen to him?

Why?

He slowly began the long walk back to Apartment 2J.

Inside, Jo was already at the liquor cabinet, drinking straight from the bottle. The bright sun shining in through the window blinded her, so she sat on the floor in a corner all by herself. And she felt just that way...alone...completely alone...all by herself...

Except for the voice. The little voice. That little voice that taunted her...that came to her in her darknest hours. It was always there...telling her that she put on too much makeup...that she was showing too much skin...that her hair was tacky...that she was ugly.

He could have him, her little voice screeched at her. He could have Kendall any time he wanted him! And he will!

Somewhere in between the sound of her own pain, hadn't she heard Logan say that Kendall didn't know at all about the way he felt? The voice had to be wrong!

He was lying to you, her little voice retorted, sure to extinguish any relieving thoughts that tried to enter mind. He's with Kendall right now! They're up in that apartment, and they're together, laughing at you! They're laughing because you bought Logan's lie! Oh, he slipped and told you the truth, but then he lied, and are you really going to believe him? He doesn't care about you! He told you that himself! They're up there in that apartment, and you're down here all by yourself. Just like you'll be forever. You're 18 years old, but your career is almost dead! Once this stupid high school show is cancelled, you'll be a nobody! You don't have the looks to go on to anything else! You'll be nobody, and you'll have nobody! Look around! Your parents aren't here! Because they don't care! No one cares about you! And Kendall doesn't either! Drink yourself to death, you stupid little girl!

Oh, but Jo Taylor had thought that she'd be in total control. She was going to have "the upper hand." Logan was weak and a push-over, but she was strong and powerful, and she was going to stand, cold as ice, as he cried, telling her how much he loved Kendall. And she was going to taunt him. She was going to make him feel like nothing.

YOU are nothing, the little voice said.

But that voice didn't sound so little anymore. No...it was getting bigger and bigger, louder than it had been in a long, long time...louder than it had been since the first time she and Kendall had made love.

Do it, the little voice said. Do it! Do it! Do it!

Within minutes, she was standing in front of her bathroom mirror. Her crying face did it...it was enough to send her over the edge.

And, as the blade pierced into her wrist, she felt no pain.

* * *

><p>Logan and Jo.<p>

Kendall had seen it with his own damn eyes, and it was pissing him off to the point of making him want to go out and do something crazy.

Logan's "nap" was bullshit.

Jo's "shopping" was bullshit.

Why was he coming out of her apartment? What business did he have being in her apartment? Especially after claiming he wanted a nap.

They took that nap together. They were doing all kinds of shit together.

Did they have sex?

Kendall had seen it. He'd been on his way up to the BTR apartment to get his phone, which he had forgotten on the way out, but just as he was about to pass Jo's door, he'd seen Logan coming out. He'd hidden around the corner and watched as Logan stood for a second, looking around like a criminal afraid of being caught in the act.

He'd almost wanted to jump out then and ask what the hell was going on, but he couldn't see straight. Hadn't he asked Logan just the day before if he had feelings for Jo? And Logan had made it clear that he had no interest in Jo whatsoever.

But he'd seen it for himself.

He tore out of the Palm Woods and sat on a bench to reassess the situation.

* * *

><p>Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. A big, big misunderstanding. Really, who in their right mind would believe Kendall and Logan were a couple?<p>

I do, thought James.

He was on his way home from the acting workshop, but all through the day, only one thought reigned in his mind. The scribbles in the notebook, the way only one bed had that "slept in" look, Kendall's sudden and odd devotion to waiting on Logan hand and foot.

Okay, so it wasn't much to go on, but still...it made sense to him. It would certainly explain a lot, that's for sure. Kendall and Logan...those two had always been close. Even now, years after the four boys had become friends, Kendall and Logan were still on a different level. James had noticed it. Carlos had noticed it. Once, they'd even talked about it together, and they'd both just come to the conclusion that Kendall and Logan's longer history with each other was the reason why they were so close.

Ha. Their longer history, and also their mind-blowing sex life.

Mind-blowing? James was sure it had to be mind-blowing. He wasn't into guys, but he wasn't above checking them out sometimes, and he just knew Kendall had to be a freaking boss in bed. Logan was no doubt the bottom, but probably an aggressive one. He wondered why he'd never heard their crazy sex coming through the walls.

It amazed James how easily he could think about his two friends getting it on. It didn't freak him out one bit, and the more he got used to the idea, the more he sort of appreciated it. Now, he could really say he had a pair of gay friends. And, plus, it'd make things much more interesting around the house. And, another plus, with those two feeling up on each other, that'd leave more girls for James and Carlos.

Yes, this was awesome.

But obviously he wasn't supposed to know about any of this. Of course, Kendall and Logan had good reason to keep it a secret. Who could be sure of how Rocque Records would react to half of their top boy band coming out as gay? Lance Bass and Ricky Martin broke ground, sure, but only after they'd hit their peaks. As far as everyone was concerned, Big Time Rush was still going up, up, up, but how far could they go if Kendall and Logan's secret was to ever come out?

Kogan, James thought. I shall call them Kogan.

Maybe this could work out for him, though. Kogan would be revealed. Griffin would shit a brick and cut the band loose. James had somewhat of a name, so he'd get to start his solo career a little early. Everyone would be happy.

Regardless of what would happen, though, James made the decision to stick by his friends no matter what. He owed it to them. It was Kendall who had gotten them to California in the first place, and it was always Logan who got them out of their various pickles.

Pickles, he thought with a smirk. I bet Logan likes Kendall's pickle.

James appreciated his friends, and he knew he could never let something like this get in the way of it. His only problem, though, was how exactly should he act around them? Should he tell them that he knew? Or maybe he should wait for them to say something.

Eh, he thought. I'll just tell them. They'll thank me for being so awesome about it. Because I'm awesome.

And so, as he approached the Palm Woods, he began to think of ways to tell them he knew. Just then, however, he saw Kendall on the bench. He smiled. It seemed like the perfect time and place.

"Kendall, Kendall, Kendall," he said in a voice that sounded like a used car salesman. "You're just the person I wanted to see."

"What?" Kendall snapped. "I don't care about your stupid actresses."

He got up and started to walk away, and James, dopey grin still plastered on his face, just sat there, not sure of what just happened.

Kendall tore down the sidewalk like John Travolta. He knew that Logan was going through a desperate time. And, as the old saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures. Little pangs of familiarity shot through his body. Logan was missing Camille...bad. So bad that it screwed up his date with Michelle, so bad that he'd been moping around non-stop, it seemed, ever since she'd left for England. But Kendall knew why Camille's departure messed up Logan's head so much. Camille was important...she was vital, she was needed. Without Camille in Logan's life...well, without Camille, there was no telling what would happen. Feelings would be uncontrollable, emotions would be impossible. Kendall didn't want to think about it, but it was his darkest fear. The things they'd have to say to each other, the things they'd want to do to each other, the lies they'd have to tell the others, the lives they'd have to live...he didn't want to think about it, and he didn't want it to happen.

It's already happening, he fleetingly thought. It's already happening, but I can stop it. I can make it better. I make everything better.

He wanted Logan to have a girl. He needed Logan to have a girl. But Jo was unavailable...Kendall needed Jo. Logan needed to find someone else, some girl that he could be happy with, just like Kendall and Jo. Even if it meant only pretending to be happy. Just like Kendall and Jo.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> The road to Kogan is a long, winding one, isn't it? Definitely worth the wait, though! Keep reading!


	10. Teenage Hormones

**EXTREMELY IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Okay, some things to explain. Remember how I said Chapter 9 was HARD to write? Well it was! And Chapter 10 wasn't easy either! As a matter of fact, I kept trying and trying to write CH-10, but it wasn't working...something wasn't clicking for me, so I kept rereading 9, and I decided that I didn't like the direction I was going in, and I was going in that direction way too fast. I had Jo inviting Logan to a party just minutes after getting her "confirmation!" So yeah, that didn't work for me, and I was having a very hard time trying to rewrite it. I left it alone for a few days to recharge my creative juice, and then I spent several agonizing days rewriting that entire scene until I finally got what I wanted out of it. It's EXTREMELY DIFFERENT AND EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, so **you MUST go back and read the new revision to Chapter 9** before you even lay eyes on this chapter. Consider the previous revision sort of a preview of things to come, though, because the whole "party" angle is definitely gonna come up. But anyway, after feeling good with CH-9, I started on 10, and it wasn't easy, but I finally got into the zone again, and here it is! It sheds a lot of light on some things I wasn't so sure about myself (because these stories always have a mind of their own!), and I hope you enjoy! Thanks for all of your reviews, and I'm truly sorry for the loooooong delay in updating.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER TEN<strong>

It made no sense. The more Kendall thought about it, the less sense it made.

He retreated to the only place he could go to for quiet concentration, the beach, and, as always, the time alone was doing wonders for him. Still, though, he was unsure of what was or was not unfolding around him. Logan and Jo made no sense. The whole conclusion that he'd come to made no sense. The thought of Logan somehow trying to make a stealth move on Jo behind his back, then lying about it to his face? It was silly! It was ludicrous! The whole thing was so not like Logan that Kendall couldn't help but crack a smile when he tried to imagine Logan as this suave, debonair panty-dropper.

Suave and debonair...in a suit...with his black hair slicked back...with a come-hither look on his face...

But still. Kendall had seen with his own eyes Logan leaving Jo's apartment. But that could have been anything, right? Something totally innocent, right? Maybe Logan and Jo were planning a surprise party for him. That would make sense. His birthday had already passed...his anniversary with Jo was still months away...but people gave random surprise parties for no reason all the time...right?

Or maybe Jo had asked for Logan's help with math or science or something like that. That would make sense. Yeah, they'd all just graduated from the Palm Woods school, and Jo had no intentions of ever doing anything academic ever again, but...it was a possibility, right?

Or maybe Logan had wanted to see Jo for some acting tips! That had to be it! Logan had mentioned something about acting once or twice in the past. His total lack of interest in it, of course. But maybe he had changed his mind!

It was very possible that Logan had gone to apologize for the Michelle stuff. He was such a push-over. Jo attacking him and making him feel responsible for Michelle's night obviously made him want to apologize for it, and so that's what he'd gone to do. And, maybe, Logan had also asked if he could see Michelle again. Or another one of Jo's friends.

It could have been something else, though. What if Logan had gone to Jo to tell her something...to talk to her about something that he really needed to talk to someone - anyone - about? Kendall didn't want to believe that. Though they'd never talked about it themselves, he and Logan had silently vowed with their eyes to never tell anyone about certain things...certain moments...and Logan would never betray that unspoken trust, would he?

No, Kendall thought. No.

He refused to believe Logan's visit with Jo was anything but innocent. Maybe Logan just wanted to borrow a cup of sugar, for goodness's sake! Something stupid and silly and foolish and mundane, and Kendall was wracking his brain and throwing around all of these theories for nothing. But Logan didn't have a cup of sugar in his hand when he was leaving Jo's place...

Kendall, never one to bullshit around, took his phone out of his pocket and began to call Jo. All he had to do was ask her, and she'd tell him, and that would be the end of it. He'd even tell her that, for a second, he'd thought she and Logan were having some kind of clandestine affair. They'd laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and then he'd suggest they make up for the date they'd missed the night before. As always, everything would work out.

Except the phone just kept ringing...and ringing...and ringing.

Still, though! That didn't have to mean anything! Logan would be just as good as Jo at calming him down and getting him to see that he'd been worried for nothing. Logan would tell him, and Kendall would laugh, and yes, Kendall would even tell Logan about his wild little assumption, and they'd laugh. They'd make plans to continue their day of "best friend bonding" by relaxing by the pool and checking out random Palm Woods hotties.

But Logan wasn't answering either. Just ringing...and ringing...and ringing.

He slowly slipped the phone back into his pocket.

Rarely did Kendall let paranoia get to him. No, he usually had everything under control! He usually knew what was going on at all times, and he was usually boss of everything. No one could ever get anything past him, and he loved it. He counted on it, actually. He always knew, at any given time, what his three friends were up to, what his mother and sister were up to, what his girlfriend was up to (or at least what she'd told him she was up to). Hell, he even kept close tabs on Gustavo and Kelly just because he could.

But now he was feeling strangely out of the loop. He wasn't the type to bathe in his insecurities, though, so he didn't sit and mope and worry and have fears like Logan and Jo would. He just made a resolve in his mind that he would not let this get to him. He'd put it on the backburner and not even think about it until he could talk to Logan or Jo and find out that his stupid little assumption was just that, a stupid little assumption. He would be more than glad to be proven wrong.

It was bad enough that he could feel his relationship with Jo falling apart anyway. Even if Logan wasn't trying to make a move on her...Kendall didn't know if there was even anything there for anyone to make a move on. He and Jo hadn't been out for so much as a meal in months. They talked on the phone, but it was usually her rattling on and on about her "problems," content with just an occasional "Mhm" and "You were right" from Kendall. And then she'd get jealous over the most stupid things...always thinking he was trying to cheat on her.

Once upon a time, it had been much better for them. She'd needed him, and he needed to know that he was needed. He felt he'd finally found someone he could help and not be ashamed to love. When Jo had come to California, she'd given everyone the idea that she had it all together, that she was perfectly happy...but she wasn't. And Kendall knew it. And he made it his duty to change that. And he did. Through their dates and their phone conversations, he made her believe that she was special, that she was beautiful, and that she was loved. He did that, and he was proud of it.

It definitely had not been the first time he'd done that for someone...but with Jo, there was a feeling of safety...a feeling of normalcy. He could be with Jo, and he wouldn't have to deal with drama.

But he was indeed dealing with drama with Jo. As soon as she'd started to feel better about herself, she'd gotten her own case of Hollywood Fever, and it wasn't showing any signs of lifting. Kendall often wondered what was worse...the drama he dealt with with Jo...or the drama he would have had to deal with if he'd just...followed his heart...

As he sat down in the sand, his eyes never left the horizon. It was the afternoon, but the sun still cast a magnificent glow over the ocean, and, as always, Kendall found himself lost in the sight. He thought about his life, and the decisions he'd made...the decisions he felt he had to make. He wondered if they were the right choices...he wondered if they were mistakes. But it was too late for that...much too late. He had something to prove, and Kendall Knight never backed down from a fight.

No one ever said it would be easy or quick. It would be a long, long uphill climb, but it'd be worth it. Oh, it would be worth every step.

Happy.

Normal.

Those were the two words that meant everything. They rung in his head like church bells, like an alarm clock, like the sound of horns honking in traffic.

I'm going to be normal. And I'm going to be happy.

* * *

><p>Thank God there wasn't too much of a mess. It had been a long, long time since she'd done it, but she remembered how to keep it under control, how to keep the blood from getting everywhere. She put a few drops on the innocent kitchen knife that would be blamed for "the accident," if an explanation would be necessary, and she put a purple Band-Aid on the already-drying slit in her wrist.<p>

Jo wasn't proud of herself, and she promised herself it would be the only time. She only had a brief relapse, and that would be it. No more thoughts of knives and blades, no more thoughts of hurting herself, no more thoughts of hating herself.

No more thoughts of them...together.

Logan had told her that Kendall didn't know. And if Kendall didn't know, that meant Kendall wasn't lying to her. That meant Kendall really was hers...he was hers, and she was his, and they were together, the way they were supposed to be. And Logan was a dirty, jealous, little liar. She'd let him get to her, though...oh, how he'd gotten to her. He'd exposed her weakness, and oh, she was weak. She was weaker than she'd been in a long time, but she was over it now. A few swipes of her trusty, stainless steel friend, and she was okay.

She knew she should probably feel bad for Logan. In a way, she felt guilty. She'd forced the whole situation...obviously, he wasn't ready to talk to her about any of the things they'd talked about, and he'd said an untrue thing out of anger, but she'd forced him, and she'd gotten what she deserved.

You got what you deserve, you stupid bitch, her little voice tried to say, but she shut it down.

"I'm not listening to you," she calmly said aloud as she poured the now-cold coffee down the drain. "You don't get to me anymore."

What to do, what to do? What would be her next move? Once she'd gotten herself together, once she'd cleansed herself of all the self-hatred, all she could think about was how she was going to get past this.

It was only about five o'clock, but she was tired. She closed the blinds in her bedroom and crawled into bed. A long nap would do her some good...a long nap would put it all into perspective. She needed the time to think.

Okay, she thought. Logan has feelings for Kendall. Fine. He seems to understand that he'll never get him. Kendall belongs to me, and Logan will just have to deal with that.

You're going to lose him, the voice said. You're going to lose him...

"No, I won't," she said. "He's mine, and Logan knows it."

But Logan was right, urged the voice. Logan was right! You don't deserve Kendall.

"I'll change...I'll change...I'm going to start being better to Kendall. I swear it..."

And what about Logan? What are you going to do with him? If you think it's over just like that, you're dumber than you look. And you look dumb as hell.

"I'll get rid of Logan. I know how to get rid of people."

But you said you didn't want to hurt him-

"I have to! I have to hurt him! I hurt him or I hurt myself!"

You're insecure...and you're scared...you know he could have Kendall.

"But he won't have Kendall. He'll never have Kendall."

* * *

><p>Logan had never realized before just how many books he had about the inner workings of the human body. Five on the digestive system, six on the respiratory system, three on the circulatory system, a whopping twelve books all about the nervous system, four books on the integumentary system (desperately bought on Amazon when he started to show his first signs of acne). Just tons of books, and he'd read most of them.<p>

As he thumbed through a truly exciting chapter all about teenage hormones, he couldn't help but think of his own out-of-control teenage hormones. Damn...the sight of Jo...broken and beaten, crying and trembling at the kitchen counter...it had gotten to him. And he'd enjoyed it, too! For a brief moment, he'd enjoyed her misery.

Am I that kind of person? he asked himself.

More importantly, he never thought Jo could be the kind of person he'd seen her be that day. Scared and confused and absolutely mortified. All because she thought she'd lost Kendall to Logan? Really? There had to be more to the story than that. But Kendall was enough, though. Kendall was enough to make a person cry, pull their hair out, and do dangerous things. He just never imagined Jo could feel that way over him. It was true, she did treat him like shit, and she rarely truly appreciated him. But the prospect of losing him tore her up like a tornado. He could relate.

"Hey, Logan," said Mrs. Knight as she entered the bedroom with a basket of laundry. "Still reading?"

"Uh...yes, ma'am," he said earnestly. "The endocrine system. A few more chapters, and I'll be moving on to the lymphatic system."

"Ah," she replied, accepting and acknowledging that she had no clue what that was. She began to fold Kendall's clean clothes and carefully stack them on his bed. "...Uh, so what exactly is the lymphatic system? Like lymph nodes and stuff?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "Lymph nodes and stuff."

"Ah, so I do know a thing or two! If you ever need a nurse to work for you, call me!"

"I will."

As Mrs. Knight continued to sort through her son's various outfits, she could sense something was wrong with Logan. She'd been a second mom to him for years, and in California, she practically was his mother. She had those maternal instincts for all of the boys, and Katie, and they never failed her. She wasn't the type of mom who would just bug and bug and nag and nag until she got the kid to spill, though. She took her time and sized up the situation, all without saying a single word, and she knew when they just wanted to be left alone.

Logan had taken a nap all afternoon the day before, and he'd went out on a date which had obviously gone horribly. Today, the other boys were out enjoying the beautiful day, and she and Katie had just come home from a concert, but Logan was here...in this room...reading those books...all afternoon long. Not that that was uncharacteristic of Logan, but...there had to be a reason why he wasn't tagging along behind Kendall today.

She was glad Kendall and Logan were best friends. She thought Logan was a great influence on her son, and she knew Logan had been there for him through some hard times. She hated herself immensely every time she remembered how she'd neglected her two children during the long process of divorcing the asshole known as Sean Knight, but a little bit of the edge was taken off every time she was reminded of the fact that Kendall had a great friend who helped him through it all.

In her mind, there was something just so right about Kendall and Logan's friendship, something so...healthy. She remembered the dorky little, big headed, bifocals-wearing kid Kendall had brought home from school one day. Yeah, she'd laughed at him behind his back, and she'd thought he was a weirdo...but Kendall had been committed to making that friendship work, and over time, Mrs. Knight knew that they were good for each other. She always hoped they'd be best friends for the rest of their lives. She knew that one day, depending on how this whole fame and fortune thing worked out, her baby boy would no longer require the love and attention of his mother, but she could accept that and be at peace as long as she knew Logan would never be too far away from him to keep him on the right track, to get him out of his various jams, and to keep him down to earth.

She folded the last of Kendall's clothes. His favorite pair of blue-and-white pinstripe boxers. She smiled to herself. She knew it wasn't exactly what most mothers wanted for their sons, but secretly, she always hoped that one day...just maybe one day...it would be Logan folding her son's boxers.

Oh, but she would be happy as long as her boys were happy, no matter who they decided to spend their lives with. Kendall had Jo, and that was good enough for her. Logan and Camille had finally broken up for what might have been the last time, but Mrs. Knight knew he'd find someone else in no time.

She decided to leave him to his physiological studies because she knew that's where he could most easily find comfort. Whatever was bothering him, he'd figure it out. He always did. And if he couldn't figure it out? Kendall would be sure to do it for him.

"Enjoy your books," she said warmly as she went for the door.

"Thanks."

Once again, he was alone in their room, and as he closed one book and reached to open another, he felt like he was absolutely read-out for the day. That didn't happen often, but it did happen, and it was happening now. He put the two books back on the shelf and stood up. He glanced out the window to see the usual Palm Woods pool happenings taking place, once again feeling that those people were living happy, carefree lives.

He looked over at Kendall's clothes. He knew they smelled like him...clean, mind you, and full of whatever Summer Rain/Hawaiian Morning/Autumn Mist/Fresh Linen/Lemon Zest laundry detergent Mrs. Knight was experimenting with, but still...they were Kendall's clothes, the clothes that covered his body, and Logan could feel his presence in the room just from looking at them.

An uphill climb. It would be an uphill climb.

He wondered about Jo. The whole thing had backfired in such an epic way. He hadn't counted on her having such a negative reaction, but it was out of his hands now. Was she going to tell Kendall? Was she going to tell Kendall everything he'd said, even the parts that were untrue and had only come out in the heat of the moment?

Oh, he hoped she wouldn't. Yes, he'd been planning to tell Kendal that day, and he'd figured it would be fantastic, but was that still a possibility? What if...what if Jo didn't say anything, but Logan did, and then, by Logan telling Kendall, Jo figured she had the "okay" to go ahead and tell Kendall the whole story...the story of how Logan had lied to her and made her think Kendall didn't love her and practically murdered her in her own home?

I can't tell him, Logan decided. I don't care if I'm overreacting or going crazy or being chicken or doing what Hortense would do. I don't care. I can't tell him.

Once upon a time, he could tell Kendall anything.

_"So, Logan, where did you and Kayla end up after homecoming?" Carlos asked as the four guys began their walk home from hockey practice._

_"Yeah, I think that's a good question," James chimed in._

_It was the Monday after the homecoming dance of their junior year, and Logan had spent all of Sunday hoping he wouldn't have to answer any questions about it. He'd gone to the dance with Kayla Kelly, one of the quieter girls at their school but a very nice one nonetheless. The boys and their dates had all made an eightsome out of it - pictures, dinner, dancing. It had been a fairly comfortable night for Logan, but then after the dance...well, everyone knew what was supposed to go on after a high school dance._

_They'd gotten four hotel rooms. Kendall and his date, Melanie, were in one. James and his date, Krystal, was in another. Carlos and his date, Rachel, was in another. And Logan and Kayla...they had a whole room to themselves as well. And Logan had no clue what to do with it._

_"We...uh...did some stuff," he said to the boys as they continued their trek across the school's student parking lot._

_"Like what?" Carlos prodded, poking Logan with his hockey stick._

_Kendall didn't seem as pressed. He kind of chuckled at James and Carlos's insistence that Logan give out all of the details, but he wasn't interested in probing him for information._

_"I can tell you what me and Krystal did," James said, "but I think you're all minors, so..."_

_Carlos and James high-fived each other._

_"Why don't you guys knock it off, huh?" Kendall instructed. "Leave him alone."_

_"We're not doing anything!" Carlos defended. "Just wanna know if ol' Logane here got some...some putang!"_

_All four of them winced._

_"Oh my God, Carlos, that's disgusting!" Logan shrilled._

_"And with that, I withdraw myself from the conversation," said James._

_The guys came to the corner where they usually split into pairs. James and Carlos lived on the east side of their neighborhood, and Kendall and Logan lived more to the west. They said their normal goodbyes, did their normal handshakes, and split up for the rest of their daily journey._

_Kendall knew Logan was upset by the others' incessant prying, and he knew that if stuff like that continued...if Logan thought that he'd always have to answer to them when it came to personal things like that...he'd probably want to stop hanging around them, probably go back to being by himself all the time. And Kendall wasn't ready to lose his best friend._

_"Don't worry about them," he said, doing the old tried-and-true arm-around-the-shoulders bit. "They're just jealous."_

_"Heh...jealous of what?" Logan asked, becoming infinitely more self-conscious with Kendall's arm around his shoulders. He hoped Kendall would say that they were jealous of the two of them...of their friendship...of whatever it was they had._

_"Jealous of me and you," Kendall said. Logan could feel his heartbeat speeding up. "Jealous of the fact that we actually know how to treat girls with respect."_

_The rose wilted, the balloon popped, the sun went back behind the clouds._

_"Yeah...yeah, they're jealous," agreed Logan._

_They reached Logan's house and stopped on the sidewalk. Kendall's soulful eyes were on Logan...those fucking eyes that never ever quit._

_"If you and Kayla didn't do anything, there's nothing wrong with that," he said. "Nothing wrong with that at all."_

_"Well, we did-" Logan quickly began, but Kendall started shaking his head._

_"No, you didn't," said Kendall. "I know you, and that's not the kind of guy you are."_

_Logan was waiting for Kendall to judge him for not "getting it in" with his homecoming date, but then he remembered...Kendall wouldn't do that to him. Kendall understood him._

_"Thanks," he said hesitantly._

_"For what?"_

_"I don't know...everything?"_

_"Oh my God, Logan, it's nothing!" Kendall said with a smirk, amazed at how often Logan saw himself as some kind of imposition. "I'm...just doing what a best friend does."_

_They stood awkwardly for a second, both feeling like there should have been some kind of action in that moment. Logan knew what he wanted to do...he knew what he wanted Kendall to do. On this beautiful Midwestern autumn day, he wanted Kendall Knight, boy of his dreams...keeper of his heart...king of his soul, to lean over and kiss him._

_But Kendall didn't do that. He gave Logan a friendly pat on the arm. "See you tomorrow, Horty," he said and began to walk away._

_Kendall was already halfway down the block before Logan forced himself to go inside. He kept hoping that Kendall would come back. He kept hoping that he'd feel Kendall's chapped lips and potato chip breath on his mouth. He kept hoping...and hoping...and hoping...and he'd keep hoping for years to come._

An uphill climb. Plain and simple. But a climb, nonetheless.

Suddenly, those books didn't seem so tiresome anymore, and he was just about to start with "lymph nodes and stuff" when the door opened.

Kendall.

He knows, Logan suddenly thought. Jo told him, and Kendall knows, and he's here to kill me, and he's here to beat me up, and he's here to tell me we can't be friends anymore, and he's here to tell me that I should have just fucked Kayla Kelly like I was supposed to, and-

"Whatcha reading?" Kendall asked as he closed the door behind him.

"Uh...uh...lymphatic system."

"Oh."

Kendall began to put away his fresh laundry, but he remained very perceptive of the other boy in the room. He was waiting for Logan to tell him why he'd seen Jo...he was waiting to hear about that "cup of sugar" or those "acting tips" or that "math and science" stuff Jo'd been so eager to know about. He wanted to know that Logan went and apologized for showing Michelle a boring night. He just wanted to know.

But there was nothing...silence.

"So...how was your nap?" Kendall asked, not wanting to believe the worst.

"It was...uh," Logan began, "I didn't really take a nap." But he sure as hell wasn't gonna tell Kendall that he'd gone and had a conversation with Jo that ended up turning into something out of an episode of _All My Children_.

"You didn't?" Kendall asked, his voice taking on an a controlling slant. "I mean...I thought you said you wanted to take a nap."

Logan held up his book. "I was going to, but then I started reading."

"Oh," said Kendall. Okay. So nothing about why he was with Jo. Nothing at all? "And you've just been reading all day?"

"Yes."

Nothing at all about Jo.

"Oh," said Kendall. He put the last of his clothes away, the blue-and-white pinstripe boxers, and then he left the room without saying another word to his lying sack of a best friend. That lying bastard...that lying asshole...that fucking liar.

Logan could feel the negative energy on Kendall as he left, and he wondered what it could mean. If Jo had told Kendall, then there would have been something...some kind of reaction...Kendall would definitely let him know that he knew. But it wasn't like that...yet he could tell when Kendall was upset about something.

He's pulling away from you, Logan's little voice told him. He's pulling away from you, and he's going to make you not love him anymore. He knows you, remember? He knows how you think and how you feel and how you are. And he's trying to help you get over him.

Logan didn't even care anymore. Too much drama for one day. He wished he had indeed taken that nap, but that was all right. He'd read from his book for a little while, and it'd soon be dark. He'd take another sleeping pill, and he'd be out like a light. Gustavo and Kelly would be back, and the next day would be filled with work.

He wished Dr. Riley would be back the next day, too, because he had to talk to someone about all of the crazy events of the last...day? It was just one day since his last session? And his world was already turned upside down. Damn. He knew not what the next few days would bring, but he knew he had to get through them at any cost.

* * *

><p>Jo carefully applied her lipstick in the mirror that had been her own personal jail cell just hours before. She'd had her moment of weakness...and she'd let all of her fears build up to a gigantic meltdown. But that was done now...it was over, and it was time to move forward.<p>

Jo didn't want to hurt Logan, and if he'd just fall in line and did what she wanted him to do, she wouldn't have to hurt him. What she'd said to Michelle was true. He was a nice guy, and he was sweet, and now that she'd calmed down, now that she'd let all of her craziness run its course, she knew that just destroying him would be a selfish, overly dramatic, needlessly traumatic thing.

But he's trying to take your boyfriend, the little voice tried to say, but it was getting fainter and fainter by the minute.

Jo didn't care. She'd heard what Logan had said...she'd had the chance to think about it. Kendall didn't know, and Logan didn't want him to know. Fine. Perfect, actually. She definitely wasn't going to spoil that for him. She would be open to cooperate, and hopefully so would he, and maybe they could work together to get past this...whatever "this" was.

They're just friends...that's all...nothing more, she reminded herself as she checked her nails and make up one last time.

She was the image of beauty.

She didn't completely dismiss the things Logan had said in anger, though. She knew more than ever that she had to change, really change, and show Kendall that she deserved him, that she wanted him, and that she appreciated him. She owed it to him, and she was going to remind him of all the reasons why they'd gotten together in the first place. Kendall was her lifeline, and she needed him...she just plain needed him. If her showdown with Logan was enough to send her over the edge, how could she be sure that there would be no more unforeseen circumstances that had the potential to break her?

She checked the casual clothes that hung on her closet door. Kendall's clothes. Starched and ironed, just waiting for his body to occupy them.

Yeah, things were going to change, and that change was going to start tonight. She knew what she wanted to do with Logan, but there would be time for that...there would be time to adequately set that into motion. Not tonight, though. Tonight was going to be "their" night. Hers and Kendall's. Logan's little "heat of the moment" declaration had been too close a call for Jo, and she felt it was time for some good old-fashioned relationship re-enforcements.

The doorbell rang, and something inside her just knew it was him. She ripped the bandage from her wrist...it had dried just as fast as she'd hoped it would.

"Kendall," she greeted with a warm and vivacious smile when she opened the door. No one would have ever guessed that she'd been a depressed, drunken mess just two hours earlier. She knew how to bring the magic of television back home to reality.

Kendall was taken aback by the sight of her. His girl. Gorgeous...lovely...beautiful in every single way. Dressed up and ready to go out...but where? And with who?

"You look...amazing," he said, too mesmerized to start forming accusations. He momentarily felt that things were the way they'd been in the beginning.

Jo blushed. Yes...oh yes, Logan would never get his hands on this boy because this boy belonged to her. "Come in," she welcomed.

He stepped through the door, and he immediately started to backtrack on his overactive imagination. Once again, the thought of Logan and Jo sneaking around behind his back seemed ridiculous to him...how could Jo betray him? She couldn't, and neither could Logan. There was a missing piece to the puzzle, and he was going to put his hands on it sooner or later.

"Where are you going dressed like that?" he inquired as Jo put on a pair of black and silver earrings.

"The question you should be asking," she said, "is 'Where are WE going?'"

Kendall's eyebrows jumped. "We?"

Jo finished with her earrings and smiled mischievously. She took a deep breath. "Kendall," she began, "I've spent all day thinking...and thinking...and thinking, and I think we need to spend some time together. Some real quality time."

Finally, he thought. Finally! This relationship is going to start feeling real again...it's going to start being everything I need it to be again! We're going to be crazy about each other again, and we're going to be happy again! No more pretending!

Yes, they were young and in Hollywood. Yes, they both had busy schedules. Yes, they didn't always have the time necessary to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Yes, Kendall had been getting worried...yes, Kendall thought he was losing her. Yes, Kendall was afraid she was cheating on him (if not with Logan, then definitely someone else). Yes, Kendall felt unhappy...yes, Kendall felt like he had to pretend to be happy just to make sure she didn't do anything crazy. Yes, he'd had his own moments of weakness, including that one time when he'd let Logan see him naked, and he was just a sigh away from...

But no. Not anymore. Jo wanted to change, and he believed her. He had to believe her, and he had to believe in their relationship. He had to believe that their relationship could be happy and normal...that it could make him happy and normal.

He was spellbound as she took him by the hand and led him to the couch. He felt so lucky...she looked and smelled amazing, and she was saying the things he'd been wanting her to say for a long time. She sat him down and took a seat next to him.

"I...I know that I've been busy lately," she said sincerely. "And I know that it seems like I'm a million miles away from you, even when I'm just right here...but Kendall...you know that I love you, right?"

She just had to know. She just had to wipe that look off of Logan's face...she had to know that he was wrong, that Kendall knew just how much she cared about him.

He nodded.

"And you know that I appreciate you, right?"

He hesitated. No, sometimes he didn't know that she appreciated him. But she looked so good in her little black dress...and so he nodded.

She sighed. Logan Schmogan. He thought he knew everything.

Nerves flushed across her face as she tentatively leaned in to kiss him. Their lips met, and it was a solid kiss. Wet and warm. She was scared that it wouldn't be good, scared that it wouldn't be enough to keep him, but she felt successful.

"Jo," he began, just confused by everything, "why...what is this all for?"

"It's for you...and me."

She smiled again. He was hers... he belonged to her. Logan could never change that, and she would never let him.

It was all she could do to force herself to stand, to force herself to remember that there were plans for the night. "I made reservations at that Mexican restaurant you like," she said as she led him to her bedroom.

"El Chaparral?" he asked.

"That's the one."

Jo opened the closet door and showed him the outfit she'd prepared for him. She couldn't help but be amused by the look of bewilderment on his upon face seeing his clothes in her closet. "You get sexy. I'll be waiting in the living room."

The clothes had been in her room for months. The last time they'd gone to El Chaparral, they'd gotten back to her place, and her parents were, just like tonight, not there. Needless to say, they'd made the most of it, and Jo, feeling sadistic, made Kendall go home in just his underwear. Kendall was up to the challenge, but he'd forgotten about the clothes he'd left behind. Jo kept them in her closet to remind her of him every time she needed a reminder...every time she was close to the edge and he was nowhere near.

But that's not what Kendall was thinking as he got dressed. He'd forgotten all about that night of passion and that dare. No, he thought he'd found that missing puzzle piece once and for all. Everything made sense now...everything! Logan's secretiveness! The fact that he'd been to see Jo that day! Those clothes hadn't gotten to Jo's room all by themselves. Logan had brought them, and that explained everything. Logan had lied about it because it was supposed to be a surprise!

Everything, Kendall thought...everything. Everything explained away just that quickly and easily. Everything was the way it was supposed to be after all.

He buttoned up his shirt and couldn't help but smile. As soon as he got in that night, he was gonna tell Logan that he'd done a damn good job of keeping the surprise a secret, and he'd thank him for being such a good and thoughtful friend. He'd comment that it was good to see him and Jo work together and get along for a change, too. He'd promise Logan that they'd find a girl for him to take his mind off of...whoever it was he needed to take his mind off of. Camille. Or whoever.

Logan's gonna be fine, Kendall thought. And so will I.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Once again, VERY SORRY for the long delay and thank you to everyone for hanging in there. Next chapter will be up in a few days!


	11. Second Chances

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Glad yall are still reading and enjoying it! Thanks for dealing with all of the complications with the last two chapters. This one is much, much shorter. It was going to be longer, but it was going to mean a longer wait for posting it, so I figured you guys wouldn't mind a shorter chapter in exchange for getting it early. The plus side is that the next one is nearly finished and will definitely be up on Saturday at the latest. No Kogan flashbacks in this one, but two in the next one :) **  
><strong>

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><p><strong>CHAPTER ELEVEN<strong>

Kendall was inexplicably absent at dinner, and Logan could only imagine where he was and what he was doing...and what little secrets he was finding out. He just kept getting the sickening feeling that at any moment, Kendall was going to burst through the door and head straight for his throat, screaming and yelling and telling everyone else what a freak he was.

After getting his fill of "lymph nodes and stuff," Logan had planned to just hopelessly fall asleep and try to erase all memories of the day from his mind, but knowing he'd be working all the next day, he knew he had to get at least some nourishment in his system.

"Kendall called," said Mrs. Knight as they all sat down to eat. "Said he and Jo are having dinner together at El Chaparral. Ooh la la."

HOLY SHIT! WHAT ABOUT JO, James thought as he snapped his head to Mrs. Knight.

"El Chaparral?" Katie questioned. "That's not fair! They get the good stuff, and we have to eat...this!"

Truth be told, Mrs. Knight wasn't the best cook, and the less work she had to do to get something on the table, the better. Tonight's menu consisted of a green salad (from a bag) and grilled chicken (frozen). God bless the microwave.

"Shush," said mother to daughter. "Eat your dinner."

James was picking at his chicken just as unenthusiastically as he was in the continuous process of getting more and more bogged down by all of the little realizations that had been going on in his head all day. He couldn't even look at Logan, who sat on a stool at the far end of the counter.

Okay, so James was totally cool with the prospect of two of his closest friends - two of his brothers - being gay and together, but...he hadn't even thought about Jo! She and Kendall were barely getting time to do "couple things" anymore, so naturally, when James had been thinking about Logan and Kendall, his mind hadn't even considered Jo's place in the whole thing. Did she know? Of course, she couldn't know! But what if she did know, and she was just helping Kendall out by acting as a cover? If that was true, then maybe it would have been best for James to just keep his mouth shut and pretend he didn't know anything.

But hell...if she didn't know, then that meant Kendall and Logan's innocent little...whatever it was they had going on...wasn't exactly innocent.

Crap, he thought. And now I'm an accomplice.

He looked over at Carlos and knew he had to let him in on this discovery, too. If only so that he didn't have to be all alone in his confusion.

Meanwhile, Logan's nerves were ramped up even more with the knowledge of Kendall and Jo's dinner date. Well hell...she was definitely telling him. But really, would she tell him over dinner? That seemed like a surefire way to tank a date. But then he remembered the look on Jo's face...that devastated look, that grief-stricken look, that...broken look. The vengeful way she'd told him that he couldn't have Kendall...she was going to get him back. She was going to make him pay for daring to love her boyfriend.

She's telling him, he thought. She's telling him, and so it begins.

He thought about his little plan to "get over Kendall" and how they all had backfired. Well, really, he thought about how he'd never actually done anything to "get over Kendall." He felt as if it had been all talk on his part. He kept telling himself he'd get over Kendall, but what was he actually doing to achieve that goal? He'd gone on a date that didn't turn out well. He told Jo, and that didn't turn out the way he'd hoped it would either. He was sitting here agonizing over Kendall, Kendall, Kendall. What Kendall thought, what Kendall wanted, what Kendall was going to do...

He felt like a failure and a loser, like he couldn't do anything right.

It's only been a day, he told himself as he slowly chewed on some wilted lettuce. It's only been a day since your last session, and it's only been a day since you've really made up your mind to try to fix this yourself. Give it some time.

Only a day...but damn, so much had already happened. And now it seemed like all of his empty promises to himself were useless because somewhere in El Chaparral, Jo was telling Kendall everything she knew.

* * *

><p>"Well, I do believe that it were a splendid idea to dine here this eve," Kendall declared in a silly faux Medieval accent after he and Jo ordered.<p>

"Oh?"

"Yes," Kendall affirmed. "A breaking of bread with m'lady, who happens to be the fairest of all in this fine establishment."

Jo blushed. "Kendall, stop it..."

"Stop what?" he asked in his normal voice. "Stop telling you the truth? Well, I guess I could lie and say that...well, that old lady over there is pretty freakin' banging," he whispered, motioning to a crotchety old spinster having dinner with her grumpy old husband. "I mean, I'm sure I'd break her hip or something if I tried to have my way with her, but it'd be worth it. Her old man probably hasn't boned her since the 70s. It's like she's a virgin all over again."

"Kendall, that's gross!" Jo scolded in surprise.

"Well then, I guess I have no choice but to declare you the most beautiful woman in this room."

"I guess."

He shot her the sexiest smile anyone could ever hope to see. This was just too perfect for him not to smile. They were here, they were together, and the night was going perfectly. It had been a long time since they'd really gotten a chance to be with one another, alone, with their corny jokes and giggles, but the reasons why didn't matter...all of the other stuff that could get in the way didn't matter. He had his Jo with him, and she was smiling, and it made him feel good.

"You really do look amazing," he said in a low, intense tone, sexy smile never leaving his face.

"Kendall, I heard you the first forty times," she replied, feeling slightly embarrassed, but she was definitely not above getting compliments on demand.

"Well, I'm just trying to let you know," he insisted as he finally snapped out of his fixation.

"You know," he said as he sipped on his drink, "I have to admit, I sorta had a feeling something was going on when I saw Logan coming out of your place this afternoon."

Jo almost choked. "What?"

Kendall laughed. "Yeah, you thought I wouldn't find out, huh?"

She was totally aghast. "How did you...how...?"

"Oh, come on, Jo! It wasn't that hard to figure out! I watched tons of _Murder, She Wrote_ with my grandma when I was a kid. I know how to solve a mystery! My clothes just magically appear in your closet, and Logan just happens to be leaving your place a few hours before. The two of you planned this, didn't you? You called him, and he brought you this outfit for me to wear tonight."

Jo calmed down and quickly - VERY quickly - followed Kendall's lead. "Yeah, that's exactly what happened." Whew.

"Well, I'm glad the two of you put this together," said Kendall. "It makes a guy feel special when his best friend and his girlfriend decide to cook up a little scheme just for him."

"Heh," Jo let out, still coming down from her initial shock and awe. "Anything for you, bae."

The waiter brought them their entrees, and they began to eat.

Jo couldn't believe her luck. She really couldn't believe it. Rarely did things just fall into her hands like that, but she knew how to hold on to them and run, run, run. She didn't even want to think about what Kendall would have asked her had he not come up with his own explanation for why Logan had visited her. The night was going too well to let that damn Logan ruin it now. She was feeling good about everything, and she felt like she could really make it work this time. Of course, this wasn't the first time she'd made a vow to herself to start being more appreciative of the boy who'd changed her life and made her like herself. She'd made that promise before, and she'd followed through for various lengths of time, but in the end, other things would always get in the way.

As her television star was on the rise, Jo had found herself seamlessly fitting in with the young Hollywood "in" crowd, and she relished the lifestyle. The money, the parties, the drinking, the occasional drugs (because no one stayed "on" that much without a little help), etc. All of the things that Kendall really didn't want any part of. She'd even slept with a few guys behind his back, too, guys who were hotter and much more "exciting." But they didn't mean anything...none of it meant anything. When she was feeling blue...when she was feeling unloved...when the veneer of "living" would start to crack, it was Kendall who mattered the most. And this time...this time, she was going to keep him in her heart forever. The thought of losing him had awakened up something in her, and it felt like her life was on the line.

Kendall wasn't without his faults, though, and he knew it. He could be very selective about when he felt like "dealing with Jo and her drama." Sometimes, when she needed him the most, he wasn't there. When the stench of booze on her breath was too strong...and when he could smell the pot in her hair... and when he could see the bags under her eyes...when the various airheaded hearttrobs snickered behind his back as he passed by. In those moments, she was worthless to him, and though he was too valiant to ever tell her that, he definitely wanted her to know it...and he definitely wanted her to feel it in her soul. And he definitely wanted to give up on her and do what his heart was telling him to do.

But that wasn't what a boyfriend was supposed to do. That wasn't what a happy and normal young man was supposed to do. A happy, normal guy wasn't supposed to have his own feelings and emotions and all of that. A happy, normal, young man was supposed to take care of his girl and protect her from all harm. Sure, Jo could make it hard, but she was his, and he knew she needed him just as much he needed her. And Kendall knew that if he ever left her hanging for too long...if he ever made her feel as if she was worth absolutely nothing at all...he knew he'd never forgive himself for the dangerous things she'd do.

"How have things been?" he asked in a very serious, but tentative, tone. It was his way of asking her if she'd been cutting...if she'd been wanting to cut...if she'd even looked twice at a knife or sharp edge.

Jo knew the signal all too well. She suddenly felt an itching on her wrist, as if the wound would burst open and her blood would spew all over the floor.

"Good," she answered quietly.

He nodded. "I'm glad to hear that. It's been a long time since I've asked, but I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I am. I swear."

She wished she could tell him about Logan, just so he could tell her that she had nothing to worry about...just so he could tell her that the thought of being with another guy disgusted him and that she was the only one he ever wanted to love, ever. She needed that reassurance, but she knew it'd be too dangerous to bring it up. She knew Kendall too well, and she knew he wouldn't be the big macho man who had an urge to murder the little gay boy who had a crush on him. Oh, she wished he would be like that - those random guys she'd sleep with at parties, though...they were like that - but she knew he was sensitive and understanding and forgiving. If he weren't those things, he would have stopped giving her second chances a long time ago.

But that wasn't the only thing bothering her. Jo was never without problems...that little voice would come and go, but the things it told her would always linger. She thought back to what it had told her in her moment of weakness...where would she end up? What would she do with herself? She was a star on a little high school show, but what were the odds of her having real success in her adult life? She looked over at Kendall. He was the one who calmed her, always.

"I've been thinking a lot about the show," she suddenly said.

"What about the show?"

"I don't know...just thinking. The ratings weren't very good at the end of last season...there's almost no buzz at all for next season. I wouldn't be surprised if we don't get picked up for next year."

"Oh, come on, Jo, that's still a long time from now, though," he said soothingly. "You have a whole season to work your magic and turn things around."

"Yeah, I guess," she agreed reluctantly.

"Does it really bother you that much?"

It did bother her! Her little voice had told her that she wouldn't be anyone or do anything with her life. Had that little voice been right?

"No, not really," she finally answered. This was supposed to be a good night. No complaining, no worrying. Just them.

And then, as if he was reading her mind, Kendall reached across the table and took her hand. "You know you don't have anything to worry about. You're beautiful, and you're a great actress, and one day, you're gonna be the most famous movie star in the whole world."

It was like a trap. The soulful green eyes, the half-smile, the compassion in his voice. There was no beating that.

"You really think so?" she asked.

"I know so. You're gonna have a great life, Gretch-" He caught himself and smiled. "Jo. You're gonna have a great life, Jo. And I'm gonna be there with you every step of the way. I promise."

She nodded and took her hand back. She knew she couldn't mess up anymore...not anymore. Her sanity depended on it. Two things had to happen for Jo Taylor to have a great life. First, she had to give Kendall absolutely no reason whatsoever to leave her. The drinking would have to stop...the partying would have to stop...the drugs, the sleeping around...it would all have to stop. She had to show this boy that she loved him.

And the other thing that had to happen?

She had to get Logan away from him. She didn't hate Logan...she didn't want to hurt him, but she couldn't bring herself to trust him. He was nice and sweet, but she knew what it meant to love Kendall Knight. She knew what it meant to need Kendall Knight. She knew what it was like to let Kendall Knight be the sun, the clouds, the moon, and every single star in the sky. She knew the lengths she'd go to in order to keep him, and she was afraid of the lengths Logan would go to in order to get him.

Jo remembered what he'd said, though. He knew he couldn't have Kendall. He knew he had no chance. He didn't even want Kendall to know.

But it kept coming back to trust. She just did not trust him. Try as she might, she couldn't stop thinking of what Logan could do or would do to take from her what was hers. There was something else under the surface, though, something that she knew was there but wasn't strong enough to confront. The simple fact that she was scared of Logan and what he could do had to mean something...

It meant she couldn't trust Kendall, either.

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Thanks again for reading and reviewing :)


	12. Or More?

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Sorry this is two days late! Some stuff came up, and I wasn't able to finish it when I wanted to. But anyway, here it is. It turned out much longer than I'd planned (minds of their own, I tell ya!), so once again, I split the chapter up. This chapter and Chapters 11 and 13 were all originally gonna be one chapter, but that definitely wasn't gonna work! It took me some time to get a handle on this one because it's mostly James and Carlos, but I think it came out well! Thanks for all of your reviews and for continuing to read! You guys are awesome!**  
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><p><strong>CHAPTER TWELVE<strong>

After dinner, James went straight for a long, hot soak in the tub. He needed to lie there and sort things out. By no means had he changed his mind, though. He was going to tell Carlos, and he didn't care what circumstances got in the way. If Carlos was reading a comic book, he'd snatch it out of his hands. If Carlos was listening to his iPod, he'd yank the earbuds out. If Carlos was polishing that damn helmet, he'd take it and throw it out the window.

Well...maybe not that. He didn't want Carlos to kill him.

But he was going to tell him. He'd been alone with his thoughts all day, and now he needed another opinion, a fresher outlook. And Carlos could surprise people sometimes. He wasn't just a dingy, ditzy ball of energy who had nursery rhymes and Disney songs playing in his subconsciousness all day. No, he had a mind of his own, and he and James had often had some good conversations about the things around them. They, too, had their thoughts about California (James: "The sun, the surf, the ladies...it's perfect!" Carlos: "It's TOO HOT here!") and they also had their own thoughts about being in this band (James: "Each day is a day closer to my solo career!" Carlos: "I can dance better than all three of you combined!"). They'd even talk about serious things, too, like the time Carlos lent a shoulder for James to cry on when he'd found a strand of grey in his hair.

Well...they weren't exactly on Kendall and Logan's level, but they had their own brand of friendship that served them both well. And James knew that just talking to Carlos would help him start to see things in a clearer light.

He couldn't stop thinking about it, though. Logan and Kendall. And Jo.

James wasn't a huge fan of Jo's, but she was an okay girl. She was Kendall's girlfriend, and so he respected her. He definitely didn't try to flirt with her, even though he'd heard many times that Jo was as easy as rolling a ball down a hill, especially after she had some drinks in her. He never told Kendall about what he'd heard, though, because he could never bring himself to be the bearer of bad news. And plus, sometimes it seemed like Kendall knew exactly the type of things Jo was up to at those wild parties. Still, though, James couldn't help but feel that if Kendall and Logan were indeed together and doing stuff behind Jo's back, then it'd be some sort of vindication for Kendall. If Jo could go out and get down with random guys, then why shouldn't Kendall do the same?

Heh. But James knew that if something was going on between Kendall and Logan, it would be much more than just "getting down" every now and then. Whatever they had was about more than just sex. The two of them had gone through so much together, and James knew it. He couldn't imagine them just rocking the bed every now and then with no deeper feelings connected. There had to be more than that.

But what made him think that? What was he really thinking about as he admired his own naked body in the bathtub? Was what he'd seen in Logan's journal really the cause behind his confusion? Hell, that could have been anything. Kendall and Logan could have just been joking when they wrote that. And the unmade bed? Jeez. Maybe Logan just wanted to make his bed that morning. And now James was assuming it meant they were sleeping together.

He knew he had to get a grip, but he knew that the journal and the bed were barely important anyway. There was more to what he had going on in his head. It wasn't just what he'd found that morning that had his mind in overdrive. No, those were just catalysts, those were just things that called to mind a number of other things...things that said more than little scrawls in a journal could ever say.

_"Ugh, I don't want that cock-sucking dork on my team."_

_It was eighth grade PE, and the game was baseball. As always, Logan was the last one to be picked in team selections, but he was used to that. He was also used to the jerk-off team leaders never missing an opportunity to remind him that he was worthless to them._

_"Trevor, watch your mouth," said Coach Crabtree, the teacher. Any other teacher in any other class would have written a kid up for what Trevor Callahan had just called Logan, but Coach Dwayne Crabtree, the laziest teacher in the human world, just told him to "watch his mouth." Ugh._

_"We want Knight!" Trevor exclaimed, and his team rowdily agreed. Kendall was the best player in the class. Yeah, he hung around the dork too much, but he could hit a home run that went for miles, and the team that had him was almost guaranteed a victory._

_Crabtree sighed. "I told you already. Kendall's finishing up a test for Ms. Cooper. He'll be back soon. Now, Trevor, your team is up to pick, and Logan's the only one left, so you have to take him."_

_"Oh, all right, already!" Trevor stomped petulantly. The rest of his team groaned as Logan lamely joined them._

_"Luke, Kendall will be on your team when he comes back," said Crabtree._

_Team Luke, which included James, cheered. "Well, I guess we know who the winner's gonna be now!" yelled Luke, a lanky boy with an Adam's apple that would be more accurately described as an Adam's watermelon._

_Team Luke was first at bat. As Team Trevor grabbed their mitts and headed out into the field, Trevor pulled Logan aside. "Go way, way back into the outfield. You can't fuck anything up back there. But if you do, I'm kicking your ass, all right? And that's a promise."_

_Logan didn't nod or say anything in response, just went on to the outfield, where no one could bother him._

_James watched the exchange between Trevor and Logan, and he just shook his head. He couldn't help but feel bad for the kid. He'd seen people make fun of that guy over and over again for years and years, and he just didn't get it. Maybe James was maturing faster than most boys, but it just didn't make sense to him. Why tease someone who was smaller than you? Why rough up someone who was weaker than you? Was that supposed to be entertainment? Fun? Ugh. Dumbasses. He'd been thinking about extending a hand of friendship to Logan for a while, but he'd never actually gone through with it. There was still something scary about it. The unwritten rule was that if you made friends with a bullied kid, then you, too, would be bullied._

_Besides, Logan had Kendall. Everyone knew that Kendall and Logan were best friends, and even though the class of hot-tempered thirteen-year-olds loved to make an easy target out of Logan, they knew to keep quiet as long as Kendall was around. He was a hot-tempered thirteen-year-old, too, but he was fiercely protective of Logan, and he'd destroy anyone who messed with him. Luckily for those dumbasses, though, Kendall wasn't there today, and so they took advantage of the situation._

_"Look at that fag back there," said one of the guys on Team Luke. "He's probably dreaming about a nice big cock in his mouth."_

_"Yeah," said another. "He's dreaming of Knight's nice big cock in his mouth."_

_"What the fuck? Did you just say that Knight has a nice big cock?"_

_"No! I mean...I'm just saying, Mitchell's dreaming of Knight's cock!"_

_"You're as gay as Mitchell!"_

_James rolled his eyes and tried to separate himself from the team as much as possible. He would have said something, but that would have been like inviting them to start hassling with him, and he was so not in the mood for that mess. They normally left him alone. He wasn't the best baseball player, but he was good enough to fly under the radar. Plus, they knew if they'd try to gang up on James, he'd just turn around and fuck all of their sisters and girlfriends, maybe even their moms, without remorse._

_The game started. The first three batters on Team Luke were good, and they all got on base, so when batter number four, Luke himself, got up for his turn, the bases were loaded. Obviously, he was going for a home run, and obviously, he was going to get it if the only obstacle in his way was Logan, who stood in the center field with his head pointed straight up at the sky._

_"Wait a second!" Trevor called out. He ran from his position at short stop to switch places with Logan. "Get up there, bitch," he told him, and Logan did as he was told._

_The pitch was given, and Luke hit it with all of his might, but at the last second, the wind hit the ball, and it went straight for Logan...who wasn't even paying attention._

_"OH MY FUCKING GOD, PICK UP THE BALL! PICK UP THE BALL!" he could hear people screaming at him, but all he could see was Luke and the other three guys hitting the bases one after the other and then heading home. The second baseman, Michael, appeared out of nowhere to pick up the ball from Logan's feet and try to get Luke out at home, but it was too late. Four runs scored on what should have been a fly ball._

_"What the fuck is wrong with you!" Trevor asked as he ran up to Logan and got into his face. "You catch the fucking ball! Catch the fucking ball! I know you're used to catching balls in your fucking mouth, but this is how you catch a ball!"_

_He grabbed Logan's arms abusively and yanked them up to the sky, his fingernails digging into Logan's skin and leaving red marks, almost breaking through. "Catch the fucking ball!"_

_James was so embarrassed for Logan, but he couldn't do anything. He turned away so he couldn't see. All of Team Trevor came to the center of the field and circled around Logan, hurling insults and throwing their mitts at him._

_"You just fucked up the game for us, you bitch!"_

_"You can't even catch, you little girl!"_

_"I hope you can lick balls better than you can catch 'em!"_

_Trevor moved in on him and pushed him to the ground. He stared into Logan's helpless face with a menacing stare that almost resembled a glow. "That's where you belong. On your knees. One of these days, I'm gonna make a real cocksucker out of you, you little bitch."_

_James turned back to see what was going on. Now, it wasn't even just Team Trevor ganging up on Logan. Team Luke was there, too! And it was only James and a few other guys who refused to take part in it. To make matters worse, Coach Crabtree was nowhere to be found, probably hiding behind the shop building, having phone sex on his cell._

_He couldn't imagine how Logan was feeling in that moment. He could see him all balled up and shaking in the middle of the circle as the other boys continued with their insults, kicks, and pushes. James felt horrible. He needed to stop this! He needed to get in there and stand up to those douchebags! Logan didn't deserve that! He did nothing to anyone, but everyone did anything they wanted to do to him! And it wasn't fair!_

_And James couldn't even get up the courage to be the person to make it stop. He couldn't. He was too concerned with his face and his hair, he was too concerned with how his social status in the school would be affected. He hated himself for his lack of guts, but he just turned away again, hoping that somehow that idiot coach would do his job._

_Logan was in tears now. The circle was getting smaller and smaller around him. He could feel violent hands and violent feet striking his body, and all he could do was rock back and forth, hoping that it would all be over...hoping that he could make it all go away...hoping that he could just end his life right then and there because he knew that even if they stopped messing with him now, people would be messing with him for the rest of his life._

_"How many dicks do you think he can fit in his mouth?"_

_"Don't worry, we'll find out in the locker room! Kendall won't save him today!"_

_"Guys, maybe we should leave him alone. He's crying!"_

_"Fuck him! I don't care about a little fag who cries! I'll give him a real reason to cry!"_

_Logan wanted to die. But then came the voice of an angel._

_"Hey! Hey! What the FUCK is going on here?" Kendall yelled as he ran out to the field, his gym shirt barely on all the way. He stormed to the circle and broke through, not giving a damn whose feet he stepped on or whose arms he twisted. "Get the fuck out of the way!"_

_The sight of Logan in tears, red bruises all over his arms, lit an explosive fire in Kendall like never before. His jaw dropped, and for a second, he was just as helpless as Logan...just as bruised as Logan...just as lost, just as sad, just as hurt. But Kendall Knight never hurt for long. No. That hurt always turned to heat, and the heat always came fast. Without saying a single word, he grabbed Trevor by his shirt and started punching the shit out of him, knocking him to the ground. Kendall pounded Trevor's face into the ground, groaning and panting like a rottweiler attacking a poodle._

_"Dude! Oh my God! What the hell! Somebody stop him!" It was all the various jackasses could say as they watched their leader get chewed up and spit out by Kendall._

_James mustered up the strength to look again, and when he did, he had to crack a smile. Karma...such a lovely thing._

_Kendall stood up, and, for a second, everyone thought it was over. Hell, Coach Crabtree finally realized what was going on and started jogging to where they were. But Kendall wasn't done. Oh, no. Just as the bloody-faced and grunting Trevor rolled over on his back and stretched his legs open in pain, Kendall licked his lips, cocked his own leg back, and, with every ounce of power in him, he swung, signing adoption papers for Trevor and his future wife._

_The entire class shrieked and grabbed their crotches._

_"Break it up! Break it up!" Crabtree demanded, but Kendall's work was done._

_And as the coach held Kendall up against a wall and paged for the principal, James's eyes were fixated. Kendall's rage was palpable, and James had never seen him that riled up before. Sure, Kendall had punched a guy once or twice in the past for messing with Logan, and he'd told a few girls off for trying to start shit with him, but this was the first time he'd actually gone all the way in on just massacring someone._

_"Logan, are you okay?" Kendall called as they carried him away to the office. "Don't worry about them, Logan! They suck! They all suck! And I'm gonna kick all their asses!"_

_James observed Logan, who sat in the aftermath on the pitcher's mound, trying to be as invisible as possible. James could tell that he was in no way proud of Kendall's actions, but he could also see that Logan wasn't crying anymore...that Logan wasn't shaking anymore...that Logan wasn't wheezing in pain anymore...that Logan didn't have a circle of menaces trying to kill him anymore._

_About a week later, after Kendall had served his five-day suspension and after the school had found a replacement eighth grade gym teacher (because they'd found some suspicious calls coming from Crabtree's office phone), James still couldn't forget the incident. Not a single person in that entire school - not any of the bitchy "hot girls," not any of the assholes from their gym class - had anything negative or mean to say about Logan Mitchell. They all liked living._

_It was Kendall's first day back at school, and the boys were changing into their gym suits. Because of the enormity of their PE class, Logan and Kendall's shared locker was around the corner from the rest of the boys' lockers. Of course, this worked well because Logan was shy about being half-naked in front of the others, and it also allowed for some quiet conversation that didn't have to revolve around pickup truck engines, how to detect a boob job, or the WWE. James's locker was the closest to theirs, and though he couldn't see them, he couldn't fight the urge to listen in on their chat._

_"You shouldn't have done that."_

_"Done what?"_

"What you did to Trevor last week! He had to have emergency surgery!"

_"Well, maybe he shouldn't have fucked with you."_

_Silence._

_"Kendall, you don't have to keep protecting me."_

_"I know."_

_"Then why do you?"_

_"Because I want to. Look, I told you a long time ago that I was gonna be there for you no matter what, all right? For a few minutes last week, I wasn't. And you saw what happened."_

_"But that wasn't your fault! It's not your fault that I'm...that I'm a dork and that I can't take care of myself."_

_"You're not a dork, and you don't have to take care of yourself. That's my job."_

_Silence._

_"I just don't want you to get into trouble because of me."_

_"You don't think you're worth it?"_

_"I'm not! I mean...ugh, I don't know what I mean. Just...stop getting yourself into trouble, okay? I'd rather have them beat me to a pulp than have you do something crazy that might get you...well...just stop, okay?"_

_"That might get me where?"_

_"That might get you sent to another school or worse. Okay? I don't...I don't want you to leave."_

_Silence._

_"I don't want to leave. But I'm not gonna let them do whatever they want with you and think that they can get away with it because all of the teachers at this school suck. Someone has to stand up for you, Logan, and I signed up for that a long time ago, okay? And I'm not done yet."_

_Silence._

_"And what about when you are? You're not gonna want to be my personal bodyguard for the rest of your life. What am I supposed to do then?"_

_Silence._

_"Logan, I'm gonna be whatever you need me to be for however long you need me to be it, and that's until the day I die."_

_That day's baseball game went off without a hitch. Yeah, Logan dropped several balls, and yes, he struck out three times, but no one teased him...no one pushed him around. Kendall kept a watchful eye on him at all times, and everyone was aware of it._

_James was fascinated. Truly fascinated. Never before had he ever seen a guy give himself so completely to another guy...all in the name of friendship._

_But he couldn't help but wonder. Friendship. Or more?_

And now, years later, he wondered the same exact thing.

Kendall had a way with girls that was undeniable. They fell down in front of him, they threw their panties at him, and he riled them up to do it all the time. And now he was with Jo, who he loved more than anything in the world and would do anything for. But still, James had that feeling about Kendall and Logan. It wasn't something that stayed with him at all times, but when he'd think about it, it would really dig into his mind.

And now...with what he saw as concrete evidence, what was he supposed to do? Pretend he'd never seen anything, never thought anything? How could he?

No. He had to tell Carlos. Not in a gossipy way. Not in a "Can you believe what those two have been doing?" way. No. In a "How can we help them?" way. In a "How can we show them that we're gonna be there for them, no matter what?" way. James knew that he had to be there for them, especially for Logan...if only to make up for that one time when he should have stepped up on the baseball diamond.

"We need to talk," he said when he left the bathroom and went into the bedroom. "Like...right now."

Carlos looked up at him. He'd been sitting on the floor, cleaning his favorite pair of sneakers. "Talk? About what?"

"Kendall and Logan."

Carlos wrinkled his eyebrows but went back to his shoes. It was always something with someone. Always. "What about them?"

James hesitated. He knew how easy it would be for Carlos to write him off, and he wanted to make it clear from the very beginning that he wasn't joking, he wasn't lying...he was dead serious. Graced with the gift of bluntness, he took a deep breath and let it out. "I think they're...together."

Again, Carlos looked up at him, but this time with confusion. "No, they're not. Kendall didn't even get back from his date with Jo yet."

James rolled his eyes and sat down next to him. "No, you moron. I mean together...together together!"

"Together?"

"Yes!"

Carlos pondered for a second. The only other thing James could mean was...nah, he couldn't mean that, could he? Logan and Kendall were...Logan and Kendall! They were best friends and nothing else.

"Together...like together together?" he asked James.

"Yes!"

The first thing Carlos could assume was that James was trying to pull some kind of practical joke on him. Everyone always played the pranks on him because he was so gullible. Well, not this time. "Yeah, sorry, but I don't believe that," he said flatly as he started scrubbing his left shoe.

James raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean you don't believe that?"

"I don't believe you," Carlos repeated calmly.

"Why would I lie about something like that?"

"I don't know," said Carlos, as he looked back to James. "The same reason why you lied about that girl at the park that one time. The one who you said was too shy to ask me to join her for a picnic, but then it turned out she was there with her boyfriend!"

It took James a second to remember, but when he did, he laughed with pride. "That was a good one, wasn't it?"

"He was six-foot-five!"

James laughed even louder, but he got control of himself. "Look, I'm sorry about that, but I swear to you, this time I'm serious. I really think...something's going on with Kendall and Logan."

Carlos looked at him again, this time more willing to accept what he was trying to say. And when he looked...he could see that James really wasn't trying to be funny. But what the fuck...Kendall and Logan? Together? Really?

"That doesn't make any sense," he said. "Are you forgetting that...oh, I don't know...Kendall and Logan are straight? Kendall kinda has a girlfriend, too, remember? He's kinda on a date with her right now!"

"Carlos, I know how ridiculous it sounds-"

"Well, why are you even saying it, then?" Carlos asked seriously, a question that sort of cut through James and made him feel guilty for getting so far ahead of himself with his point blank assumption.

"Because! Because...I don't know," he answered as he threw up his hands.

He got up and went to the window. The sky was a beautiful shade of dark blue, and there was a big full moon hanging right over the Palm Woods.

"This morning," James began, "when I was looking for my journal, I found Logan's by mistake. Only, I didn't know that it was Logan's at first. So I read a few pages...and on those pages were little...little notes, I guess you could say. Little notes. 'Logan loves Kendall.' 'Kendall loves Logan.'"

Heat swept over Carlos's forehead. He didn't want to think about this...he wasn't supposed to think about this. He wasn't supposed to think that way about Kendall and Logan. They were friends, nothing more. He wasn't supposed to be two-faced...he wasn't supposed to think mean things about them behind their backs, and he was a little mad at James for bringing this up.

He tried to latch onto any plausible explanation that floated through his head. "You know what probably happened? One night, they were probably just joking around, and they wrote that in there knowing that one of us would find it, and now you've fallen for it!"

James was solemn as he turned to face Carlos. "Do you really believe that? Like...really?"

"Well...what else are you even basing this on? Stupid things that kids used to say in middle school? I really thought you were better than that, but I guess I was wrong."

"I can't help it, okay? Sometimes when I think about...you know, how close they've been to each other, and all of the little things that they do for each other that me and you definitely don't do...it's just...it makes me think, okay? Remember a long time ago when Kendall was suspended in junior high for beating up that kid Trevor Callahan?"

"Yeah."

"Remember why he beat up Trevor?"

"Because! Trevor and those guys were beating up Logan first! Just because a guy stands up for his best friend doesn't mean that they're...you know..."

"Yeah, I know. But you weren't there. You didn't hear them talk about it...you didn't hear how they talked to each other."

"Maybe you only heard it the way you wanted to hear it."

James restlessly plopped down on Carlos's bed. He knew he was on to something, no matter how hard Carlos tried to prove him wrong. He knew he wasn't crazy, he knew he wasn't imagining things. He knew that this whole thing was finally going to come out into the open.

"How about when we were fifteen? That weekend."

"What weekend?"

"You know."

The weekend Carlos and James called Kendall and Logan a million-bajillion-zillion times but never once got an answer...ever. And then that Monday...Kendall told them that he and Logan had been "house-sitting at the cabin for Gramps." Just the two of them, and no one else. Not even a dog. Alone...together...alone together. Never mind the fact that Logan was all of a sudden smelling like Kendall's cologne.

Carlos gave up. He closed his eyes and leaned back against his bed, taking in a deep breath. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Yeah, exactly. That means you've thought about it, too."

Damn right Carlos had thought about it. Before they'd all become good friends, he'd heard about that dorky Hortense Mitchell, and he'd heard all of the rumors people would spread about Hortense and Kendall. Carlos never really understood it, though. Everyone got along with Kendall for the most part. Everyone thought he was cool, all of the girls thought he was hot, and he was a fairly popular kid. But for whatever reason, people would whisper behind his back about his sleepovers at Logan's house. They'd give each other scandalous looks whenever Logan and Kendall would sit together by themselves in the field at recess. They even made catcalls when Logan was on crutches and Kendall had to carry his books for him.

But by the time they'd gotten to junior high and then high school, Carlos had become friends with them and James, and he had a strong sense of what was right and what was wrong in a friendship. And the most sacred rule, according to him? You just don't talk shit about your friends behind their backs. You don't even THINK shit about your friends behind their backs. And so when Kendall would sleep over at Logan's house without Carlos or James present...Carlos would pay it no mind at all. When Kendall would go on family vacations with the Mitchells...Carlos would write it off. And, as hard as it was to do, when Carlos and James found out about "that weekend" (that they still had so many questions about)...Carlos dismissed it as innocent fun.

But now that James was sitting here, essentially telling him that it was time to start taking things more seriously...that it was time to start remembering the old middle school rumors...Carlos felt dirty. Just plain wrong.

"But Kendall has a girlfriend," he said again, thinking that would actually make a difference..

"And?" James asked. He sat back down on the floor. "Maybe she knows and doesn't care. You know what they say about Jo..."

Carlos nodded helplessly. "She's a ho."

"Exactly. Maybe she likes it. Maybe she gets off on it. Maybe she and Kendall and Logan...you know..."

"Oh God, stop!"

"Well, I'm just saying..."

They sat quietly. Unsure of what to do or say, Carlos reached for his shoes and began to clean them again, even the spots that he'd already gotten to. He just needed something to do, something to concentrate on so that he didn't have to think about what was or wasn't going on in the room next to his every night.

"We'd know about it, though," he said, still latching on to whatever he could find. Another sacred rule was honesty. Yeah, jokes and pranks were an exception, but everything else...complete honesty. "They wouldn't just not tell us, would they? I mean, it's just like lying, and they'd never lie to us."

"Come on, Carlos," James said, patting him on the shoulder. "You know just as well as I do that Kendall and Logan are very capable of keeping secrets from us."

That burned.

"Well..." said Carlos.

"Yeah. Well," said James.

Carlos grew up with devout Catholic parents who kept a huge ass painting of the Virgin Mary in the living room. He was much more of a free spirit with his morals, though. There was only one thing that he'd managed to learn in all of those years of going to mass and Sunday school every. single. week. Love. Love mattered more than anything else in the entire world. Love. Family love...friendship love...romantic love. At the end of the day, love was all there ever was. And if Kendall and Logan loved each other? Good for them. Great for them. They were perfect for each other anyway.

As he let himself own the fact that he'd had his own suspicions about them throughout the years, he became more comfortable with it. Knowing that James had been thinking the same thing all along didn't hurt.

"You don't...you don't think it's weird, do you?" he asked James carefully, not sure how he would respond. "I mean...if it's true. We don't know for sure if it's true, but if it is...just if it is...we're cool with that, right?"

"Yeah. I'm completely cool with it. Are you?"

"Yeah, totally," said Carlos. "But...you know, like I said, we still don't even know for sure if it's...you know...true."

"Right," James said as he jumped up from Carlos's bed and went back into the bathroom. Carlos began to put his sneakers away. James continued, "And that's why we're not going to say anything yet."

"Not say anything! How can we...I mean...that's just not something you just decide to not say anything about!"

"No! We're not going to say anything!" James reiterated sternly as he passed his comb through his hair a few more times. "Think about it this way. If they are...you know, together...then we'll find out about it sooner or later. Like...we'll find out about it. They can't hide it forever. But if they're not...and we tell them that we think they are...how do you think they'd react to that?"

"Okay, but that means we just sit here and talk about it and talk about it while they're just on the other side of that wall?"

"That's exactly what it means! And besides," James said as he turned off the bathroom light and started to pull back the covers on his bed, "it's their business, not ours."

Carlos had no response to that. It just felt wrong. He didn't want to be that type of person, the kind who whispered and glared and read way too much into everything. That's not the type of guy he was, and he didn't know how long he'd be able to keep this to himself. It wouldn't be long before he'd take everything Logan and Kendall did or said out of context and try to twist it to fit the suspicions James had planted into his head. He trusted James's instincts, though, and if James decided they shouldn't say anything, then he wouldn't say anything. But damn it, he'd be thinking everything.

He went to the door and hit the lights. Soon, they were both in their respective beds, and the dark room was eerily quiet.

James knew he'd made the right decision. Not that Carlos was some wise sage who made everything better, but hell, just getting it off his chest was good enough. Now he had someone else who could shoulder some of the stress. Now he could get to sleep and be well-rested for the next day's hard work.

"James?" Carlos asked softly.

James sighed. "What?"

"If they are...you know...together...then that means they've been together for a long time, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well...how long?"

"How long what?"

"How long do you think they've been together?"

"I don't know," James yawned, and then he drowsily answered, "Forever."

"Forever?" Carlos asked in surprise.

"Yeah. Now go to sleep."

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> I'm still a little iffy on some small parts of this, not sure I like how it ended up, but I swear I won't make huge changes like I did a few chapters ago! If I tweak a little bit, I'll just incorporate it into future chapters. Again, thanks for reading and sorry for the wait!


	13. This Time

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Thanks for all of your reviews and patience and what-not :) I'm really glad yall are continuing to read and enjoy this story. It's getting harder to write as time goes on because it's getting deeper and deeper into everyone's thoughts and desires, so it's taking me a little longer to post chapters (and plus, college is HARD and makes it hard to do other stuff!). I'm also starting to realize some mistakes I've made in coming up with this story, but I'm working with what I have, and I promise it's gonna keep chugging along. I'm thinking long and hard about the next few plot points, because I will tell you...this chapter did not turn out exactly how I'd originally planned, but I do think that what we learn here needed to finally come out sooner or later. I think you will be pleased! It's a VERY Kendall-centric chapter!**  
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><p><strong>CHAPTER THIRTEEN<strong>

A night breeze swept tenderly across Kendall's bangs as he and Jo sat on the dark, quiet balcony outside her apartment. As he held her hand in the space between their chairs, he could feel how her nerves were driving her crazy. With one tight squeeze, he settled her down.

On the outside, their date had been near-perfect. El Chaparral was always great, and after, they'd gone for a quick moonlit stroll through the park. They didn't talk much, but words weren't really necessary. All they needed was each other, to know that the other was there. Underneath Kendall's blind euphoria, though, he couldn't stop doubt from slipping in. He held her hand and kissed her to make her smile, but there was an undercurrent flowing through him like a windstorm. He tried to ignore it, but he couldn't.

How long? he asked himself. How long before she forgets...how long before she stops caring again...how long before her heart turns to ice again?

Every single time Jo had promised to "get better," Kendall had accepted it with no question. He'd never given up hope that somewhere inside the cold, cynical Jo, the girl he'd been attracted to in the beginning would still be there, and so any time a glimmer of that girl came through, he would desperately cling to it. See, he needed Jo to be that girl again. No, that girl wasn't perfect. She wasn't everything he needed or wanted, and yes, sometimes he only pretended to be happy with her. But she was the closest thing to what his heart yearned for, and he could love her. No, he didn't love her quite as strongly as he could have, but he loved her just the same, and it was enough love to make him content.

But he tried to cast aside all of his little insecurities. This time would be different. She really meant it this time...she really would follow through. Hollywood hadn't taken complete control of her soul yet, and she could still be the down-to-earth girl from North Carolina that he felt could be good for him...the girl who could make him "normal."

This time would be different.

Like last time? he asked himself.

_It's going to be different tonight, he kept telling himself as he adjusted his tie in the bathroom mirror. It's going to be different tonight. Everything's gonna go back to the way it used to be, and she's gonna be the girl I need again._

_It was the first week of February, and Jo had been invited to attend an exclusive banquet honoring the best in teen talent. When she'd asked Kendall to be her date, she was somewhat afraid. Yes, he was her boyfriend, but she'd been messing up big time, and she knew it. She'd blown off Christmas with him in favor of partying, and she'd ignored most of his phone calls and texts since New Year's Day. But that was all right. After nearly hitting rock bottom, she knew she could turn to Kendall for comfort. All it had taken was some quiet conversation, a few little promises, and a night of passion, and their relationship was running smoothly again. And this time, she wouldn't let him down again._

_"My, my, my, you do look handsome," Mrs. Knight said as she poked her head into the bathroom and beamed with pride._

_"Well, I do believe I get it from my mother," Kendall replied with that dimply smile that could wrap anyone around his little finger._

_"Oh," Mrs. Knight nodded. "He looks like a million bucks, and he's saying all of the right things. Someone's a proud mama!"_

_They made eye contact through the mirror, and Kendall could see just how proud she was. Her sincere smile radiated through the entire bathroom, and he knew that sticking with Jo through all of her rough patches was worth it. He never wanted to give his mother a reason to not smile, and being with Jo would ensure that._

_"When are you two kids heading out?" she asked. She couldn't resist the temptation to organize some of Kendall's side of the room._

_"In about twenty minutes, actually. It starts at eight, so we should get there on time."_

_"Good."_

_She straightened the sheets on his bed, retrieving a spare sock or two from under his pillow and tossing them into the dirty clothes hamper in the closet nearby. She continued to put things in their proper places, but Kendall could sense that she was also thinking. He didn't want her to worry, but he knew mothers worried._

_"It's nice that you two are going out again," she suddenly said, never once looking up from her impromptu cleaning session._

_"We never stopped going out, Mom," he replied defensively. In his mind, it had only been a little break, and he didn't want his mother thinking that he and Jo were on the verge of splitting up._

_"Well, you know what I mean. It's been awhile since you've been on a date...or even in the same airspace, it seems."_

_"She has been working, you know. They've been doing location work for the show, and it's been tough on her," he explained. "And plus, I've been busy with the band and with school, and...it's just tough. It's been hard for us to do anything. But we're back on track now. I promise."_

_Mrs. Knight looked around and considered her job done for now. Her brain didn't stopped working, though, and neither did her mother's intuition. "I just want you to be happy, that's all," she said warmly as she put a hand on his shoulder. "Really, truly happy. Is that too much for a mother to ask?"_

_Again with the dimples._

_"Not at all," he answered. "But I am happy with Jo. Give us a little time, and we'll be really, truly happy, and you'll have nothing to worry about."_

_As she hugged him, and as he watched her walk out of the room, he just wanted her to trust him. Why couldn't she see that he and Jo were going to work through whatever problems they'd been having? Why couldn't she understand that Kendall would never give her any reason to worry about him and how he would turn out? The last thing he wanted to do was let her down.  
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_Minutes later, he was waiting downstairs at Jo's door, and he couldn't believe how lucky he was. A fancy schmancy party with his gorgeous girlfriend, and they were both going to put forth the effort to make it work. It sounded so mature, but then, Kendall accepted that maybe he had indeed matured. Well, he was still a kid at heart when he was with his friends, but it was Jo who made him feel like a man._

_"Mr. Taylor..." he said in surprise when the door finally opened. He immediately straightened up. "Good evening, sir."_

_"Kendall," Mr. Taylor greeted. Strict, stern, and overprotective to the core.._

_Kendall felt pressure to be a "polite young gentleman" every time he was in Mr. Taylor's presence. Fathers were like that, though. They always wanted you to be what they wanted you to be, even if they knew you were really something else._

_"Is Jo ready?" he asked as he gulped. His knees started to shake._

_"She was ready ten minutes ago," Mr. Taylor said with an ever-so-slight eye roll. "Shouldn't you be on your way to meet her?"_

_"To meet her?" Kendall asked with a furrowed brow. "But I'm supposed to be meeting her now. Here, I mean. I'm supposed to pick her up so we can go to the banquet together."_

_Mr. Taylor let out a bored sigh. "Kendall, Jo left ten minutes ago. You're supposed to meet her at the ballroom."_

_Kendall didn't understand. That definitely wasn't the plan that he and Jo had made...why did she have to change things all of a sudden? What was going on?_

_Chill out, he told himself. So there's a slight change in the game plan. No big deal._

_"Oh...of course," Kendall said. "I totally forgot. It's been...it's been a long day."_

_"I'm sure it has," Mr. Taylor said sternly. "Please leave now before my daughter gets angry."_

_"Yes, sir."_

_Mr. Taylor closed the door, and Kendall started for the elevator. All right, so maybe Jo had to change their plans for whatever reason. That was perfectly fine. No need to be alarmed. He'd meet her at the ballroom, and they'd laugh at his brief moment of confusion. It'd be over, and then the real plan for the night - them being together - would go just as it was supposed to. He couldn't wait to slow dance with her on the dance floor, whispering in her ear and telling her he loved her. Kendall hoped that Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were getting ready to go somewhere themselves because he really needed to be alone with Jo that night...in her room, in her bed._

_Just as he reached the lobby of the Palm Woods, his phone started to vibrate in his pocket. A text message from Jo that would no doubt explain everything, of course. She'd apologize for not telling him sooner that they had to leave early, and all would be well._

_cant go 2nite. bad flu. dr says it will b 3 days, so im in bed til then. plz dnt come C me...dnt want u to catch it 2. luv u.  
><em>

_Kendall stopped in his tracks and stared at the words. He could feel it starting...the shrinking of his body. It began with his legs, which got shorter, and then his arms._

_The first thing he thought was that he had to go back upstairs to her apartment. He knew that Mr. Taylor was very overprotective of his daughter, but did he have to lie to Kendall that way? Why couldn't he just tell him the truth, that Jo was sick and laid up in bed? Why did he have to send Kendall to the banquet alone, knowing full well that they wouldn't have even let him through the door without Jo? What kind of sick joke was he trying to pull?_

_I have to get to her, I have to see her, Kendall resolved in his head as he went back to the elevator. She's up there, and she's sick, and I can make her feel better._

_He tried to forget that he'd seen Jo the previous day and that she had looked nothing at all like a person who was coming down with the flu. He tried his best to put that in the back of his mind and believe her text._

_I believe it, Kendall tried to convince himself. I do believe it, because it's true. I believe that I believe it._

_The elevator opened. Jo's apartment was at the end of the hall. He needed to believe she was in there, sitting with a bowl of soup on the table and a hot towel on her forehead. He needed to believe that she was different now, that she was back to the way she used to be, that she was the girl he needed her to be. He needed to believe whatever she told him, but he couldn't even bring himself to step out of the elevator. He couldn't even look at the door down the hall. He knew all to well how Jo could tell lies at the drop of a hat and how his feelings could sometimes mean nothing at all to her.  
><em>

_And then the smell invaded his nose like an unwelcome guest. The smell of her perfume. Jo was the only girl in the Palm Woods who wore it, and it was all he could smell in the elevator. That perfume. He tried to believe that she hadn't been in the elevator that night, that she wasn't dressed up and looking beautiful and on her way, at that very moment, to have a good time without him._

_He tried to make a million excuses for her, but he couldn't._

_She lied. Once again, she lied._

_"I can't make your birthday, I'm stuck doing a telethon" had been a lie. "I can't come over for Christmas, we're going back to North Carolina" had been a lie. "My phone's been acting up, that's why I couldn't answer your call" had been a lie. And now, "Bad flu" was a lie, too.  
><em>

_The shrinking continued. He got smaller and smaller. His brain got smaller, and he could feel the hollowness in his skull. He wanted to sit, but there was nowhere to do it. Where was he was supposed to go now? Back home, where his mother would ask him what went wrong? Where he'd have to make up some ridiculous lie just to make sure he didn't let her down?_

_Or he could walk the streets of LA all by his lonesome, being that guy who was stood up by his girlfriend. Being Jo Taylor's clueless boyfriend who only knew a fraction of what she was really up to while suffering from her "bad flu."_

_How many times did Jo have to break her empty promises before he accepted that she was more trouble than what she was worth? Was this the price of being "happy" and "normal?"_

_I'll find another girl, he decided as the elevator closed again and went back down. I'll find another girl. After two years, I see that Jo isn't who I thought she was. That's fine. There has to be a girl out there who is, though. One who is perfect for me...one who is just like..._

_But how long would it take to find that girl? How long could he wait for her to appear? Before Jo, he'd keep himself busy with one-night stands and girls who didn't really matter, but he was getting too old for that. He was getting too old to be content with just sex. He needed someone who could be with him long-term, someone who could bring out of him the same level of true love that he only ever really felt whenever he was with..._

_He needed a girl who could make him "normal." And Jo didn't seem to be that girl anymore._

_But at this moment, he found it hard to care about being what someone else had wanted him to be since he was a child. He found it hard to want to be "normal" anymore. What did "happy" really mean if trying to find happiness meant being so damn miserable? How could he be happy riding Jo's merry-go-round of emotions? How could he be happy desperately going from girl to girl, knowing the whole time that his heart belonged to..._

_"Kendall."_

_It was Logan._

_"Kendall, what's wrong?" he asked as Kendall stood still against the wall. Logan rushed into the elevator, pushing the button to go up. "Kendall, are you messing around?"_

_Kendall just stared at him and his solar system T-shirt. He wanted to do it. Right then, right there. Just say it all and never regret a single damn word. Fuck "normal." Fuck "happy." He was going to make his own "normal."_

_As Logan watched him peculiarly, Kendall walked across the elevator and took him in his arms. "I love you, Hortense," he said drunkenly._

_Logan was caught completely by surprise, and he didn't even know what to do. "Kendall..."_

_Kendall held tightly to Logan's body...to the body he wanted to never let go of...but the words kept coming in loud and clear._

_"You'll never be happy living that way," he could remember hearing. "It's not normal." "You let me down, son." "I can't stay here and deal with this." "You're not my son."_

_"It's Jo," Kendall said as he backed away, just as Logan was preparing to accept the hug and anything that came with it. "It's Jo. She's...she's sick with the flu."_

_"Oh," Logan said with an unmistakable disappointment in his voice. "Oh..."_

_The elevator opened, and the two walked to Apartment 2J, where Kendall retreated to his bed to write in his journal...and Logan sat reading across the room._

_Giving up would have been too easy. Kendall Knight never backed down from a challenge, and that's exactly what he saw it as. A challenge.  
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_"It's not normal. You'll never be happy."_

_It kept on coming back to him, over and over again. But he was gonna prove it wrong. It was hard to fight temptation, but he was going to try, and he was going to win. Too many things were at stake. He had his pride to think about, but he also had his mother's smile. He wasn't going to be the one to take it away from her. His father had already taken so much from her...his father had already taken so much from them both._

He had to believe Jo meant it this time. He needed her more than she could have ever known.

"It's getting late," he suddenly said, breaking a concrete silence. He tried to stand, but Jo's hand was too tight around his.

"Don't go," she said helplessly. "Please stay." She needed him to stay with her tonight. She needed to show him that she really did mean it this time, that all of the other times were just dress rehearsal. She knew he was doubtful. She knew he was always an inch away from leaving her for good, and she wouldn't have been able to bear it.

"I...I can't," he replied, looking at her, but not really. "I have work in the morning."

"Please..," she said. She sounded so pathetic and vulnerable, as if she'd been reading his mind the whole time and knew that everything they had together was skating on thin ice. "I mean...didn't we have a good time, tonight? Wasn't I...wasn't I a good girlfriend tonight?"

"Jo..." he said, not wanting to see her grovel.

"Kendall, I understand," she said. "I know what it's been like for you. I know that you don't like it when I drink and when I get a little...well, when I'm hard to deal with. And I know that sometimes I don't deserve you, but please...you have to know that I love you. Kendall, please...I want to show you how I feel."

Normal.

Happy.

"Okay," he said.

She squeezed his hand and made a crooked smile.

"I love you," she said, "and I mean it this time."

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><p>Jo fell asleep not long after they finished having sex. Kendall just lay there in his nakedness, feeling partly like some kind of fool and partly like some kind of fake...but he held steady in his attempts to feel good about wherever they were headed in their relationship. Tonight was just the beginning. He could accept that he was nervous about it tonight. But as the days would go on, he knew he'd get back into feeling good and right with her again. He didn't even want to think about whether or not it would last or how long it would take before he was hearing embarrassing stories about her being drunk off her ass again. He resolved to believe in her, and he resolved to believe in himself. This time would be different.<p>

He kept wondering if this was his purpose in life...to be with a girl who was way too clingy when things were "good" and way too difficult when things were "bad." Was that really the way his life was supposed to be?

He stared forward and casually stroked Jo's hair.

How did I get here? he asked himself.

But he remembered. He could never forget the beginning.

_"Okay, now that you boys have washed all of the day's dirt off yourselves, and now that you've stuffed yourselves full of pie and ice cream, it's time for bed. Kendall, are you sure you'll be comfortable on that floor? You know, it's supposed to get wicked cold out tonight, and there's that cot in the attic..."_

_"I'll be fine, Nana."_

_"All right," said Kendall's grandmother. "Lights out in ten minutes. You two will have to be up bright and early if you want to go fishing with Grandpa in the morning. Goodnight, boys."_

_"Goodnight," Kendall and Logan replied. Grandma shut the door, and the two worn-out eleven-year-olds got ready for a night of sweet dreams._

_Logan was tucked into the guest bed while Kendall had a makeshift sleep center set up on the floor. In a way, it reminded Kendall of the countless sleepovers they'd have at Logan's house, but this was different because, finally, Kendall could play host. Unfortunately, his shitty parents were always having shitty arguments, so he'd never ask if Logan could sleep over at home, but Grandma and Grandpa's charming little cabin in the woods was perfect._

_"Are you sure you don't want to switch?" Logan asked, as Kendall struggled to get comfortable on the cold floor._

_"I told you already," Kendall insisted. "You're a guest."_

_"When you sleep over at my house, you're a guest, and you always take the floor," Logan reminded. "And, besides, it's _your_ grandparents' house, not mine. It doesn't feel right that I should get the bed. Maybe I can get the cot from the attic."_

_"Logan," Kendall said, smiling. He stood up. "I invited you out here to enjoy the fresh air, the scenery, and the rest and relaxation. Why would I put you on the floor?"_

_Logan buttoned his lips, finally, but he still had reservations about the set-up. It was going to be cold that night. Extremely cold, even for Minnesota. Kendall would freeze on that floor, and Logan did not want it to be all because of him. He wasn't going to argue with Kendall, though, and they turned off the lights. They had run around the woods all day, even skinny dipped in an ice-cold pond (but only for a minute), so it wasn't long before they were both snoring the night away._

_At around midnight, though, the infamous Midwestern chill was working its way through Kendall's body. The floor felt like it was made of ice...the room, even with newly-installed central heating, felt like a meat locker. The first thought Kendall had when he woke up was that he'd somehow fallen asleep on an ice rink, and he was ready to suit up for a game of hockey, but then, once he realized where he was, he just wanted to warm up as quickly as possible._

_He looked around, and his eyes immediately settled on the bed. There was definitely enough room for two. Logan was so petite that he barely took up half of it. Without thinking, Kendall gathered his sheets and pillow and climbed into the big, warm, soft bed. He immediately felt closer to Logan. It was uncomfortable at first because they'd never shared a bed before, but within seconds, it felt more right than wrong. He knew Logan. He liked Logan. He loved Logan (as a friend). He trusted Logan. Sharing a bed with him didn't have to be awkward._

_Logan stirred a little in his sleep, making a slight gurgling noise. He turned, and, upon seeing Kendall, almost freaked. "Kendall!" he whispered._

_"Shh," Kendall warned quickly. "You were right. Way too cold down there. The closer we are, the less we shiver."_

_Logan stiffened a little, but he moved closer to Kendall...closer...closer...but there was an invisible barrier that he knew he shouldn't cross. Their arms touched, but nothing else did, and Logan could be comfortable with that, but Kendall unexpectedly pulled him even closer, resting his arm on Logan's thigh._

_"It'll be our little secret," Kendall joked, punctuated by one of his distinctive laughs._

_Kendall didn't know it then, but this smooth move detonated atomic bombs in the mind of the confused, scared, nervous, unsure, uncertain Logan Mitchell, who, at this point, was still nowhere near ready to admit to himself that his feelings for Kendall were more than just friendly._

_Kendall knew, however, that there was something pleasant about this experience. Sharing this bed with his best friend. That guy who he'd forced to open up and come out of his shell. That guy who looked up to Kendall and admired him greatly. That guy who clung to him no matter what and was fiercely loyal to him. That guy whose dark eyes would light up every time Kendall came around. That guy was next to him in this bed, and their bodies were touching. He could feel Logan's pulse, his heartbeat. He could feel Logan's breathing, and it felt good. It felt normal.  
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_Kendall turned so that they weren't face-to-face, and they both found sleep again. In the morning, there was a newfound sense of...something...between them. They made eye contact more often, they smiled at each other more often, they let the silences between them last a little bit longer. __Kendall couldn't shake the amazing feeling that his friendship with Logan wasn't the same as his friendship with any of the other guys at school. He felt a certain comfort with Logan...as if he could talk to Logan...really talk to him. About his feelings, about the things he wanted to do in life, about his fears. With Logan, Kendall felt like he didn't have to maintain a certain image or reputation, and he'd been waiting for a friendship like that.  
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_At breakfast, the boys sat with Kendall's grandparents and dad, who'd planned the whole weekend just to get away from his wife, at the breakfast table._

_"Nana, you were so right last night," Kendall said as his grandma poured his orange juice. "The floor was freezing!"_

_"I told you so. You know Nana's always right," she replied sweetly and patted him on the head._

_"You slept the whole night on the floor?" Sean Knight asked over his newspaper. It was the first thing he'd said to Kendall since the previous afternoon._

_"No," said Kendall carefully. It was always a risk talking to his dad...he never knew what the right or wrong thing to say would be. "I got into bed with Logan. There was enough room, so it was alright."_

_"Got into bed with Logan?" Sean asked in disbelief. Purposely or not, he shot an intimidating look at Logan from behind his morning paper. "Oh God," he continued. "Look, next time, just wake me up. I'll go and get the cot myself if you're too lazy to get it."_

_"Now, there's no need for that," said Nana. "If the boys can both fit, there's no reason why they can't just share the guest bed again tonight. You'll all be back to the city tomorrow anyway."_

_"Share the bed again?" Sean repeated incredulously. "Mom, my son is not sleeping in a bed with another guy, okay? That's not normal. What next? They're gonna start talking to each other about their feelings? That's what fags do."_

_"Hey! Watch your mouth!" Kendall's grandpa surprisingly shot across the table. "We don't talk like that around here, okay?"_

_Nana shook her head as she poured herself a cup of coffee and finally sat down to enjoy her breakfast._

_Kendall could only play around with his scrambled eggs. He'd come to the table with a huge appetite, but it was now gone. His father's criticism always had that kind of effect on him. Sean Knight hated hockey. Sean Knight hated it when Kendall would sing in the shower. Sean Knight hated the supermarket at which Kendall planned to work once he was old enough. It seemed like Sean Knight wanted to impede any and all things Kendall liked or wanted to explore. It seemed like he wanted to take away all of the things that were good and right in Kendall's life._

_And, as he watched Logan meekly drink his juice, Kendall felt like he could add another thing to the list._

I'm doing a good job, Kendall decided as he could feel himself getting more and more tired. I'm normal, and I'm going to be happy, and my dad's gonna be wrong. I'm not gonna be a fag, and neither will Logan, and we're gonna prove them all wrong.

He looked down at Jo and felt sorry for her. She was young, too, and she didn't have all the answers. He knew it was unfair of him to pin so much of his drama on her. He could get used to her being clingy, and maybe he could get used to her drinking, too. He could get used to all of her faults if he really put his mind to it, because he just had to prove his father wrong, and he had to show his mother that he could be happy.

But he couldn't stop thinking about Logan. He knew how skeevy it was to be laid up in bed with Jo while his mind was on someone else, but he couldn't help it. He always knew that Logan would have a harder time than he at finding a girl who could...help him be "normal." But Camille had been a good start. She wasn't exactly what Logan needed, though, and that's why they didn't always work. But there would be another girl soon, and she'd be even closer to what Logan needed. Kendall would make sure of that. And in the end, it would be Kendall and Jo, happy and normal...and Logan and his new girl, happy and normal. And Sean Knight would be wrong. Those awful kids in middle school who whispered behind their backs...those kids would be wrong. Everyone who'd ever made it their business to define the limits of Kendall and Logan's friendship would be wrong.

But Kendall knew. He had his instincts, and he knew his heart and mind. He knew that Jo could be the perfect girlfriend. He knew that Logan could find just the right girl for himself. It still wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't change a single damn thing.

Kendall tried to let the knowledge escape him as he planted a kiss on Jo's forehead and closed his eyes to fall asleep, but it taunted him. It taunted him even worse than any statements about being "normal" and "happy" could have ever taunted him, because he knew that it was true, and he knew that - despite his willingness and determination to "fix" everything - this was something that he could never fix, ever.

I'm going to love him for the rest of my life, he finally allowed himself to think. I'm going to love Logan for the rest of my life. Nothing I can do will ever change that.

But I can try. Because Jo means it this time...she really means that she'll be good, and I'll be able to love her just as much as I love him...because she means it this time.

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> It's ALL OVER THE PLACE in some parts, I know, but I think it was time to just establish this. Kendall loves Logan, damn it, but he thinks his mother would be disappointed and he KNOWS his father would be. Such a pity, isn't it? I wanted to spend more time building up to this revelation through doing more flashbacks from Kendall's POV, but all of that is going to come soon. It just got hard to write Kendall's thoughts while trying not to come right out and say that he has feelings for Logan. After TEN whole chapters being set over the course of just two days, though, Chapter 14 is going to skip ahead a few days to move on to the next strand of action. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)


	14. Spirits Having Flown

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Okay, I just had to post this. This really DOESN'T have any plot movement, but I feel it's very necessary. Now that we know that Kendall returns Logan's feelings, we have to find out why he feels the way he does, how long he's felt that way, how he feels NOW, and why he hasn't said anything about it. This was already written a long time ago, but I didn't know where I should put it in the story, but I figure this is a good spot. I didn't want to keep going without explaining everything from Kendall's POV, because I didn't want this to be too one-sided towards Logan. And uh yeah...I've realized and accepted that I use the various forms of the word "feelings" way too much. Might as well name the story that LOL. But anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing Chapter 13! 100 reviews! Also, check my profile for a bit of information about stories I hope to write in the future.**  
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><p><strong>CHAPTER FOURTEEN<strong>

Falling in love with Hortense Mitchell had never been the plan. In fact, it had been the furthest thing from the rambunctious nine-year-old Kendall's mind. No, he'd thought that he would just be nice to the kid...just show him that not everyone in their elementary school was a jerk. And plus, he really did need someone to help him with math.

But there was something about the little big-headed, bifocal-wearing, knobby-kneed dork that appealed to Kendall. His interactions with Hortense were different from his interactions with all of the other kids. It hadn't taken long for Kendall to see that most of the other kids were somehow wrapped in plastic...as if who they were on the outside was very different from who they were on the inside, especially when they were around him. Because Kendall was a fairly sociable person who was good at sports, the other kids had considered him "cool." And for whatever reason, whenever they were around him, it would feel like they were all trying to mimic everything he'd do and say. They all wanted to be him...and it drove him crazy. None of them had realized that the best way to win Kendall Knight's friendship was by just being yourself.

But Logan had been different. It had never seemed like he was putting on a show to impress people. He was who he was, and he was most definitely a dork. But the fact that he'd owned that - he'd shamelessly raise his hand to answer all of the teacher's questions in class, he'd merrily play all by himself in a corner of the playground at recess - without trying to "fit in" with the crowd sort of made him not a dork. Young Kendall had noticed that, and young Kendall had liked that. In a way, Kendall had envied Logan. He could be himself without feeling pressure to maintain a certain image. Kendall had sort of gotten fascinated with the kid, and that was why he'd decided to strike up a conversation with Logan on the first day of fourth grade, and it was why, no matter what silly, crazy, weird, dorky things Logan wanted to do...Kendall would gladly join in.

_"Do you think this is enough?" Kendall asked. God, he hoped it would be enough. He didn't know how many more rocks he could carry._

_Logan carefully inspected the pile of stones in the grass. He picked up a couple to examine their sizes, shapes, and colors. He stepped back to take in the sight of the whole collection, and, with the most serious face ever, he nodded. "This should be satisfactory."_

_They picked up as many rocks as their fourth-grade arms could hold and hauled them across the park. It was hotter than usual that day, and they were both covered in sweat and dirt and grime, and their mothers were certainly gonna have a hard time getting them clean that night, but the boys didn't care. They were on a mission, a life-or-death mission, and they couldn't compromise their safety for the sake of staying neat and tidy. They were warriors._

_They came upon a tall statue of a pioneer woman dressed in nineteenth century clothing. Her hands were stretched out as if she had absolute power over the entire park, and her almighty position served as the basis for Logan's imagination._

_"Your royal highness," Logan pleaded as he and Kendall desposited the rocks at the base of the statue, "we humbly beseech thee! We humbly...we humbly beseech thee and ask if we've provided adequate riches for your royal majesty. Are our findings worthy of her majesty's kingdom?"_

_Logan dramatically threw himself down to his knees as the exhausted Kendall wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Logan looked up at him with a expectant stare._

_"What?" Kendall asked._

_"If you want your freedom, then you must take to your knees!"_

_Kendall shook his head. He looked around. There was a group of girls standing by the water fountain, and they were all pointing and laughing at Logan. Kendall wanted to just abandon the little dork right there on the ground, but he looked back at him, his poor little body so seriously wrapped up in the role-playing game he'd come up with all by himself. Kendall suddenly had it in him to slump down to his knees alongside Logan and reach up for the queen's mercy._

_"We beseech thee, we beseech thee," Kendall repeated restlessly. He could hear the girls' laughter get louder._

_They waited...and waited...and waited. Logan leaned into the statue with listening ears._

_"Well?" Kendall asked. "What is she saying?"_

_"Shh!" Logan hissed. "We must listen!" He leaned into the statue a little more, trying his hardest to hear her words. He began to nod slowly, and then..._

_"We did it! We did it!" he yelled, jumping up and down. "We've pleased the queen, and she has granted us freedom! And now, countryman, our spirits having flown, we must present a freedom dance!"_

_Kendall was so tired and run down from a whole Saturday of play, and, really, a part of him had to stop and wonder what in the hell he was even doing. Finding rocks and bringing them to a statue "queen" to earn his "freedom?" What the hell? Who did shit like that? Logan did, that's who, and Kendall couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed for the bespectacled kid as he danced around in circles like he was having a seizure. He looked like a fool, a plain and simple fool. But he looked like a happy fool, a fool who was having the most fun he'd ever had in his life. Kendall couldn't stop himself from hopping to his feet and joining Logan in the merriment._

_Screw them, he thought as he began to flail his arms about and gyrate his hips. I'm gonna dance my ass off._

_A big smile came across Logan's face. "Yes, countryman! Let us dance and be gay together!" he announced._

_"Wait, what?" Kendall asked, freezing in place._

_Logan stopped and broke character for a milisecond. "It means 'happy,'" he clarified._

_"Oh."_

_And they continued to dance and dance. Every few moments, Kendall would glance at those laughing girls, but he didn't care. He even poked his tongue out at them. Because while they were nine-year-old girls standing around, trying to be pretty and trying to be "cool," and waiting for the attention of ten-year-old boys who didn't care about them, Kendall was celebrating his freedom. The freedom Logan had helped him find._

Their friendship was an intense one. In the beginning, their days would be filled with grasshopper-cutting, long division-solving, and queen-beseeching, but as they'd grown older, so did what they meant to each other. Their connection developed into something much deeper than what the average pair of pre-teen guys would have. Kendall wasn't always the tower of strength, and Logan wasn't always the weakling who needed to be saved. Sometimes, just sometimes...the roles were reveresed.

_Kendall didn't know what he was going to do. His father had told him a hundred and one times to be careful around the car. It was a red 1964 Ford Mustang in mint condition, and Mr. Knight had been working on restoring that car since before Kendall was even born. In a way, he was more proud of the car than he'd ever been of his children._

_And now, today, Kendall just knew that his father was going to kill him. He and Logan had been out riding, and when Kendall was rolling his bike back into the garage, he hadn't been paying attention like he should have been, and SCRAPE. The front tire of his bike scraped against the driver's side door. Kendall could have fainted right then and there._

_"Maybe he won't notice," Logan tried to comfort him as they took refuge in Kendall's room. Mr. Knight would be home - in his other car, because for whatever reason, he needed two - from work at any minute._

_"Logan!" Kendall exclaimed. "It's a Mustang! He's been working on that car since...since forever! He's going to notice!" He fell back onto his bed and stared miserably at the ceiling. "And I'll be dead at twelve years old..."_

_Logan sat on the edge of the bed and looked on helplessly as all of the strength he'd been so accustomed to associating with Kendall just collapsed. "Maybe it won't be that bad. What's the worst he can do? Ground you?"_

_Kendall fell back onto his bed and stared miserably at the ceiling. "He cares about that car more than he cares about me. I'm not normal, so why should he care about me anyway? He always says I'm a screw-up, that I'm never gonna be anything in life. I'm just proving him right."_

_"Kendall..." Logan said, but he didn't know what he could really do or say to make it better._

_"Last week, we got into a big fight because he thinks I spend too much time playing hockey," Kendall continued. "I told him that the only reason why I play hockey so much is because it means I can get away from him! And you know what he started calling me? He started calling me 'Kendumb.' Imagine that! This guy's supposed to be a big and bad lawyer, and he's supposed to be super-smart, but he doesn't even know that you're not supposed to call your own kid a dummy! I mean, I know I am, but he doesn't have to call me that!"_

_Kendall felt a little nervous about baring his soul to Logan this way, but a part of him didn't care. This was Logan. Logan wouldn't make fun of him for having feelings...Logan wouldn't go to school and tell people that he'd seen Kendall Knight whine like a baby. Logan would just...he'd just be Logan. He'd sit there and listen, and he'd use his smarts to try to make Kendall feel better. He wouldn't actually do anything, but his presence would be enough._

_Of course, Kendall's horror was steeped in more than just a ding on his father's car. There was a reason why he hadn't been paying attention when he was wheeling his bike into the garage. His eyes had been diverted...he'd been concentrating on something else when he should have been concentrating on the Mustang. He'd been checking out Logan...and Kendall knew that he wasn't supposed to be looking at guys that way. Especially not Logan, his best friend._

_But he couldn't help it. In the three short years that they'd been friends, Logan had changed, and in a very good way. He was no longer the wimpy little dork he'd been in the fourth grade, nor was he the extremely shy, extremely self-conscious guy he'd been when the two of them had skinny-dipped at Kendall's grandparents' pond in the fifth grade. They were twelve years old now, and of course, they were only at the beginning of puberty, but still, relatively speaking, Kendall had noticed the way Logan's body had changed._

_He noticed that Logan had gotten a bit taller - not as tall as Kendall, but he finally stopped looking like a kindergartener - and he noticed that Logan's skinny little arms and legs were starting to develop some manly shape. Kendall proudly took credit for that, what with his constant insistence that Logan join him on the ice. Most of all, though, Kendall noticed that Logan smiled more than he used to...and Kendall took credit for that smile. Every time that pretty grin would come across Logan's face, Kendall knew that he was the one who had put it there._

_And he noticed the way Logan had loosened up, the way he didn't always expect the worst out of everyone and everything. Logan laughed more often, and he'd socialize with people at school (those who were not assholes, at least), and Kendall found so much joy in watching this guy's social butterfly finally come out of its cocoon. It made him so happy to see Logan be happy, and Kendall wanted to make sure Logan would be happy for the rest of his life._

_And all of those good feelings...all of those positive vibes...they made Kendall look at Logan differently. They made him want to do things to Logan that he knew he wasn't supposed to want to do with another boy. He wished he could have just...maybe, just once...kissed Logan. Not the way he'd kiss girls when teachers weren't looking. He kissed those girls because he felt he had to - had to keep up that "cool" image, had to give his parents something to be proud of - but he wanted to kiss Logan simply because...he wanted to. He'd sometimes feel an urge to just...touch him...hold him...and kiss him. He wanted to see how he'd react...probably with that goofy little grin...maybe with hesitation as he accepted Kendall's love and returned it...and they'd be joined together forever by the delicate meeting of their lips._

_But that would make him a fag._

_But that's not "normal."_

_It would make his father hate him even more._

_The thought of that disappointment made Kendall's heart hurt even more, and he began to cry._

_"Kendall," Logan said gently as he moved closer to Kendall's tearful face. "Kendall..." He put his hand on Kendall to calm him...put his hand right on Kendall's chest, and he could feel the heavy, heavy pounding of his heart._

_Kendall felt the hand, and he slowly placed his own hand on top of it. He wouldn't dare open his eyes though...looking at Logan, and feeling his touch...Kendall didn't know how he would have responded to that. But fuck...he just wanted to kiss him. Just once. Just to see how "not normal" it was...just to see if it wasn't normal at all...just to see what it felt like...just to show Logan how much he cared..._

_But then they heard the front door slam._

_"Kendall! Where the hell are you?"_

_It was Mr. Knight, and he was pissed. His footsteps sounded like bomb explosions going off all throughout the house. The sound of his keys rang out like breaking glass. Kendall had heard the sound before...he knew what it meant, and he knew what it would lead to. The fightful anticipation made him push Logan's hand off of him._

_"Go," he said, his voice shaking. "Just go before he comes in...please...don't stay..."_

_"Kendall...what is he going to do to you?" Logan asked fearfully._

_"Just go, Horty, please..."_

_But Logan didn't move. He just stood there, his eyes trained on Kendall's, as they both heard Mr. Knight get closer and closer to the room until the bedroom door opened._

_"What did you do to my car?" Mr. Knight asked Kendall. His voice was calm but full of a controlled anger. He began to descend upon Kendall's bed. "Huh? What did you do to my baby, you little bastard?"_

_Logan started to heed Kendall's warning and head for the door. It was like Mr. Knight hadn't even noticed him in the room. But then he looked at Kendall, who was now shaking in the bed, clutching the sheets and digging the heels of his feet into the mattress._

_"Answer me, boy!" Mr. Knight boomed. "Open your eyes and face me like a man! If you are one."_

_When Kendall didn't respond, Mr. Knight reached for one of the hockey sticks propped up against the wall. Kendall flashed his eyes open, and, upon seeing the stick held above his body, he began to wimper. He didn't want Logan to see this...he didn't want their friendship to be over in this one minute. He didn't want Logan to be so traumatized that he'd never want to be around him anymore. And, for Kendall, the thought of losing Logan was like...well, it was worse than any physical pain Mr. Knight could have given him._

_But then..._

_"It was me!" Logan suddenly yelled, surprising everyone in the room, including himself. "It was me! I did it! Not Kendall! Please, Mr. Knight, you have to believe me!"_

_"You?" Mr. Knight asked dubiously. "You!"_

_He lowered the hockey stick slowly, dropping it to the floor. He looked at Kendall, whose eyes were now wide open, and whose body was no longer shaking. He looked back to Logan. A creepy smile appeared on his face._

_"Get out of my house," he sneered. "Get the hell out of my house, and I don't ever want to see you here again! You got that? And tell that dad of yours that he's gonna be getting a bill from my mechanic!"_

_Kendall watched as Logan nodded nervously and uncontrollably and then left the room. He was in awe...in complete and total awe. He never would have ever guessed that Logan would have done something so brave...so courageous. And all for him...Logan had done it all for him. Oh, how he wanted to hold him tight and never let him go and tell him that he...that he...loved him? Was it love? Did he love his best friend? He didn't know. He didn't care. He just wanted to be with him forever._

_Mr. Knight kicked the hockey stick against the wall. "Tell that sissy that I meant what I said," he said as he went for the door. "I don't want him around here anymore, and I don't want you at his house. Let him fag up somebody else's son."_

_Kendall didn't move, even after his father was out of the room. So many times...so many times he wanted to know if Logan felt the same way...if it was wrong that he wanted to just lay down with him and fall asleep with him and stay that way with him forever...but every time he was ready...every time he got up the courage to say something as simple as "Logan, I think you're beautiful"..._

_He'd remember the sound of his father's voice._

Even now, six years later, Kendall still heard his father's voice...and he felt the bruises all over his body.

A week and a half had passed since Kendall's date with Jo at El Chaparral. Ten long days. Thank goodness Gustavo and Kelly had returned, because if it hadn't been for the hours and hours and hours of work, he didn't know how he would have survived. Ironically enough, Jo actually had to go to Hawaii to actually do publicity, so as much as Kendall wanted to cling to her and use her current resolve to "be a better girlfriend" to keep his mind and body occupied, he had to settle for phone calls and text messages.

But Kendall was strong. He knew what he had to do. Yes, he'd made a promise to always be there for Logan when they were kids, but he also had to draw lines...he had to stop himself from going too far. And so he stopped many of the habits he had gotten himself into. Whenever they'd practice the love songs for Gustavo, he would no longer sing to Logan (he'd done it by accident once, and no one had seemed to notice, so he kept on doing it - he needed to relieve that Logan love some kind of way!). He never made Logan's bed again, and he didn't even think about serving him breakfast. Whenever they had off time, he'd go to the beach alone, and at night, he had to force himself from going over to Logan's bed for a late night chat. With Jo gone, and with all of his feelings for Logan suddenly fresh in his mind, Kendall didn't know if he would have been able to keep himself from pushing the smaller boy over and getting under those covers and taking rightful ownership of his place in Logan's arms.

Kendall knew that Logan felt the same way. He just...knew. He knew all of the little things he did that made Logan love him even more, too. He knew what throwing his arm around Logan did...he knew what spending an entire day alone with Logan did...he knew what beating the crap out of anyone who messed with Logan did (though he also knew that Logan wasn't always approving of this - but Logan understood why Kendall had such a violent streak). He knew that Logan had tried many times to just tell him that he loved him, but every time, Kendall would hope and hope that he'd get scared and not say anything.

So yes, Kendall knew, and he knew all along, but he would never say anything about it, ever. Sometimes he felt horrible about it...absolutely terrible, and for good reason. Here was his best friend, this guy that he'd promised to defend for the rest of his life, and he was denying this guy of the one thing he wanted more than anything else in the world.

Not that it was any easier on Kendall. He loved Logan...oh, how he fucking loved that kid. Everything about him, too. In the morning, Logan would walk around like a zombie, searching around for clothes to wear, for the toilet so he could pee, for his toothbrush, for his shoes. Kendall could have just helped him, but he wouldn't dare deprive himself of the adorableness that was Logan's morning routine. Kendall loved the way Logan ate. Carefully controlled bites, always 32 chews of everything. Something he'd read in a book, Kendall figured, but still...so adorable. And the way Logan looked when he read...in bed, by the pool, on the couch...no matter where, he always looked so smart, and so important, and so...perfect.

Kendall felt like a little girl with a crush whenever he'd think about Logan, but he just couldn't help it! The way Logan would get totally into talking about the environment or the inner workings of the human body...the way Logan would hit those unexpected high notes in the studio...the way Logan would always take time to get a picture with every single fan who wanted one at their concerts. Kendall just...loved that kid.

And at night...at night, Kendall would lie awake in bed...just wanting him. He wanted Logan to be next to him...he wanted Logan to be on top of him...he wanted to be on top of Logan...and he wanted to be inside Logan. He wanted to grow and mature with Logan the same way they'd grown and matured from little boys into young men. Kendall dreamed of discovering all of the magical things of adulthood that he felt they were both ready to explore. Never mind the fact that he'd already had sex with Jo. That didn't matter. It was nice. It was trashy sometimes. It was sleazy. As far as sex went, it got the job done. But it didn't really matter because it wasn't Logan. And it would never ever matter because it would never be Logan...because Kendall, under all of his bravado, was still the little boy who was scared of getting hit by a hockey stick.

But Logan had to understand why they couldn't be together, right? Logan had to understand why Kendall couldn't be that way, why he had to be "normal," right? And didn't Logan want to be "normal," too? Hadn't Logan's father issued warnings through the years that if he ever found his son laid up with another guy, he'd disown him?

Yes, Kendall had decided so many times. Logan doesn't want this any more than I do...he's just as scared as I am, and he wants to be "normal," too. He doesn't want to have to deal with being different either.

With Camille gone, Logan was left without anyone to focus all of his attention on, and if he sat around and let those feelings just get pent up, Kendall knew what would have happened. And that's why Kendall was set on getting Logan a girlfriend. Hell, it worked for Kendall. Well...it did most of the time. Jo wasn't perfect, but she was good enough. When she was sober. And when she wasn't being a bitch. And when she wasn't being self-centered. But she was just a sweetheart all other times.

A lifetime with Jo...for what? Just so that he didn't have to see the disappointment in his father's eyes? Just so that he didn't have to run the risk of losing his mother, too? Just so he didn't have to deal with all of the things being gay in America meant dealing with?

I have to prove him wrong, Kendall would remind himself, mantra-like. I have to prove him wrong, I have to show him that I am normal, that I will be something, that I will have a happy life, and that I'm not what he says I am.

And as for Logan? He'd be okay. He'd be able to repress all of his feelings the same way Kendall could, and he'd be okay. Not that Kendall fully believed that...but he had to if he wanted to keep his sanity.

Kendall got up from his bed and walked over to the window. A bright, beautiful, perfect, amazing, lovely, flawless Saturday afternoon. And to top it all off, Jo would be back from Hawaii the next day.

They tried to keep in contact as much as possible during her absence from California. They'd get on the phone and talk for hours. Jo would tell Kendall all about what was going on in the islands, and Kendall would update her on the usual Palm Woods action. Sometimes they felt like brother and sister, but...as always, Kendall had faith in her, and she "meant it this time."

Ugh.

"I hate my life," Kendall said as he fell back onto his bed.

"I would, too, if I was in love with my best friend and was too chicken to tell him..."

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Hmm...now who just randomly shows up and already knows exactly how Kendall feels? It's probably exactly who you expect!


	15. Secrets and Lies

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All right, I REALLY didn't want to do this, but then I realized that it's been almost a week since the last chapter, and I couldn't keep you guys hanging. I had to do lots of crap for school all through this week, and so I had no time to write, and when I did have time to write, I wasn't really "in the zone," so it took me a long time just to write this. It's done now, though, but for now, it's only ONE SCENE. It's a good one, though, and I hope it's not too random. The rest of the chapter shouldn't be too hard at all, so hopefully it'll be up no later than tomorrow, but I won't make any promises! When I post it, it will be ON THIS PAGE as part of Chapter 15, so check back periodically. As always, thanks for your reviews and comments!

**UPDATE (10/11)** - Chapter is now complete!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER FIFTEEN<strong>

"I really thought I told you to knock before ever coming in here," Kendall said as his precocious little sister entered and closed the door behind her.

"Knock?" she asked. "Why should I knock? It's not like I'll ever catch you and Logan doing anything shocking. Or would I?"

Kendall groaned. "Look, if that's what you came to talk about, you might as well just turn right around." The last thing he needed now was her buzzing in his ear, telling him what he needed to do and how to do it.

Katie had discovered Kendall's secret back when they were kids in Minnesota. As was typical, she'd actually figured it out before Kendall had. At first, she just saw Logan as her big brother's dorky friend with the big glasses, but as time went on, she began to observe them a little more closely. At night, her mother would tell her what it meant to have true love - someone you could talk to about anything for hours, someone you could sit in silence with for just as long, someone who made you smile immediately, someone who put your happiness above their own - and the little girl just could not shake the feeling that all of those things, those amazing attributes of true love, were present in her brother's relationship with his best friend. Of course, she'd only been a child then, so her mind wasn't completely wired to distinguish between love and friendship, but by the time they'd moved to California, she was sure of it. So sure, in fact, that when she and Kendall had gone to the beach alone, she had decided to just ask. What had ensued was an hour of Kendall crying on her shoulder, telling her everything about how he felt for Logan and why he was scared to death of saying anything. Katie had promised to never tell a soul, but at the same time, she would never miss an opportunity to tell Kendall just how silly she thought he was for keeping it all bottled up. The way she saw it, he was totally in love with someone who so obviously felt the same way. There was no need for secrets and lies, for repressed feelings and emotions. All he had to do was tell Logan, and they'd be happy forever.

But she knew and understood why Kendall had his fears. She'd been young when their father had bolted, but she could still remember his temper and his stubbornness, and the way he would fly off the handle over the littlest things. She could recall the yelling that would come from Kendall's bedroom...and the red marks that would appear on his body in the morning. She sympathized with him, and she would never force him to do anything he wasn't ready for, but at the same time, she didn't want to see him live the rest of his life in secret misery. As much as they fought and fussed, deep down - maybe not that deep - she loved him with all of her heart, and she just wanted him to be okay. And if being okay meant she had to be a little bitch, then a little bitch she would be.

She inched over to the window, where an intense beam of sunlight almost blinded her. She'd been watching Kendall over the last week, and she'd easily detected that he was having a "Logan spell" again. Every few months, he'd get overcome with feelings for Logan, and the only way he could control them was by avoiding him and neglecting their friendship. Katie always took this as her sign to step in and try to knock some sense into him while she could.

"What do you want?" Kendall asked as he eased up into a seated position on his bed.

"I want to talk about you and Logan," she answered maturely.

"Well, like I said, the door is that-a-way," he pointed. He meant it that he wasn't going to have this conversation with her today. If she had just a moment to pick his brain and get inside his psyche, she could have made him do anything she wanted him to do.

Completely ignoring his instructions, Katie turned to him and smiled. "You missed it. Logan fell into the pool earlier, and his T-shirt was all see-through."

"Katie, please!" Kendall moaned, giving up on trying to play it cool. "Please. Let's not do this, okay?" He tried to keep the image of Logan's wet shirt from creeping into his mind.

She shook her head and sat down on the edge of Logan's bed. "You've been ignoring him all week. Don't think I haven't noticed."

"I've been ignoring him all week because I've been thinking about my girlfriend," Kendall said, trying more to convince himself than her. "She's coming back tomorrow, and I've been thinking about all of the things I want to do with her."

"Oh. Right," Katie said dryly. She'd heard it all before, but unlike Kendall, she didn't latch on to Jo's every breathing word, so she could easily spot the bullshit from a mile away.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "You don't have to believe her," he said to her beady little eyes. "All that matters is that we're both going to give one-hundred percent to our relationship, and we'll be fine."

"Right," Katie said, again very dryly. "Until you're not fine anymore. You do realize that this happens every three months, right? You and Jo try being 'fine,' but then she goes off the deep end again, and the two of you start to drift apart. Then you and Logan start to drift together, and you get an inch - an inch! - away from just owning your feelings, but then Jo apologizes, and you believe everything she tells you, and you treat Logan like crap because you can't deal! Frankly, I'm sick of it."

Spurned by her bluntness and stung by the truth, Kendall resorted to his best defense mechanism: assholery. Sometimes it was great to have such a mature little sister, but damn it...couldn't she go to tea parties with the other little girls? Didn't she have a Justin Bieber poster to worship somewhere? Why did she have to get involved in his affairs?

"Well, luckily for you, none of this is any of your business," he told her snottily.

"Okay, and what about Logan?" she asked. She had a way of throwing every little thing back into Kendall's face just when he thought he had her licked. "Can't you see how unfair all of this is to him? It's not right that you keep making all of these decisions without talking to him."

"Logan doesn't matter," Kendall forced himself to say, but it was so hard to write him off like that. He had to keep the assholery alive, though. He knew his words were ruthless, but he didn't care. That ruthlessness would serve him well in getting that dork out of his mind - and heart - forever. "He doesn't matter. He'll be content with whatever I decide to do. By now, he should know that nothing's ever gonna happen between us, and he should be okay with that."

"You make absolutely no sense at all, but then again, what's new?" She got up and paced around the room. It was hard dealing with Kendall when he was this stubborn. In many ways, he was more like his father than he'd ever want to admit, but Katie knew how to handle him. "You're trying to convince yourself of all of these things, but you know just as well as I do that it's not working. Logan's been moping around here for months now, and it's all because of you."

"No, no," Kendall protested, ready to go toe-to-toe with her. "It's all because of Camille. If she was still here, Logan would be just fine, and none of this would be happening. It's not my fault she left, and it's not my fault that he can't keep himself in check until the next girl comes along."

"And if there isn't a 'next girl?'"

"Then that's his problem," Kendall said, but he knew damn well that that wasn't the case. "I offered to help him get over Camille, but he told me not to, so what is there left for me to do?"

"Tell him the truth! Talk to him!"

"I'm not going to ruin my relationship with Jo just to make him feel better!"

Katie scoffed. "What relationship with Jo? It's all phony! You're a phony!"

"Shut up, Katie!"

"No!"

They were silent for a while. Every time they'd have this conversation, it would somehow get a little heated. Not that they were prepared to throw daggers at each other or anything, but both knew that the other wasn't going to back down. And in both their minds, the other was wrong. Katie knew that it would be hard for Kendall to forget all of the pain from his past and just bite the bullet with Logan, but at the same time...he had to understand that it was what was best for him, right? And Kendall...he wanted to feel the way Katie did, that the world would still turn if he was true to himself and to Logan, but he couldn't. He just couldn't. And so he had to stay with Jo...and he had to push Logan away.

She sat down next to him on the bed.

"Kendall, look," she began. "You know that I care, right?" she asked, hoping he would be just as willing to put his guard down.

He nodded slowly, looking straight ahead...straight ahead to Logan's bed. Yes, he knew she cared...but he knew she could never understand.

"You can't keep doing things based off of what some sperm donor told you when you were twelve," she said as she put a comforting arm around his shoulders. "He left because he wanted to leave, and he's probably never coming back. Are you gonna keep letting him run your life?"

"It's not just him, though," Kendall said, his voice getting a little shaky. "It's not just him. What about Mom?"

"Kendall, come on...Mom is way different from what that guy was like. It's why they're not together anymore."

"But do you really think she wants to have a son who's...who's..." He couldn't even say it, and that hurt him more than he would expect it to him.

"Gay, Kendall," Katie soothed. "You're gay. Or you're bi. Or whatever. You like guys...you love Logan."

It always felt so real and solid whenever Katie would say it. Kendall could control his own words, and he could control the way he personally described whatever it was he felt for Logan, but he couldn't control his baby sister. She always knew more than he wanted her to know.

"To be honest, I don't think she wants a gay son," Katie said.

"See?" Kendall jumped, glad to finally hear her agreeing with him.

"But I don't think she wants a straight son, either!" she quickly clarified. "She wants HER son. And that's you. Whether you're gay or straight or bi or...even if you think there's really a girl underneath all of those huge, rippling muscles."

She poked at his lean chest and giggled, making him laugh. Yes, she loved her brother, and she just wanted him to be happy...he'd always done a good job of taking care of her, and she was more than willing to take care of him...if only he'd let her, if only he'd just listen to her and admit that she was right.

Another silence.

Kendall took a minute to really take inventory of his life. It was a shame that his little sister seemingly had a clearer outlook than he did. But it was easy for her to say all of those things, though, wasn't it? What did she have to lose? If Kendall were to break the ice and finally address the pink elephant that would always show up when Logan was around...her life wouldn't be destroyed, would it? She wouldn't have to worry about disappointing their mother or angering their father or living in a world that wasn't always accepting of people who weren't "normal." Yeah, it was easy for her to say he should just "own it" and "say something," but was she really thinking about him and his feelings and his future and what he wanted?

"You think I love him," he suddenly said quietly. "You said that I love him."

Katie nodded slowly. "When I was a little girl...and Mom and Dad would argue with each other in the living room...and you and Logan would just being there with each other in the backyard, talking...I learned what love was, and I learned what it wasn't."

Kendall was so touched that he looked at her, and he let her see the paltry little tears that were sitting just beneath his eyelids.

"Please," she continued, feeling her heart swelling at the sight of her brother crying. "Just...I want you to do what's right for you, and I know that you think you know what's right for you, Kendall, but...you have to understand. You have a lot of people who love you, and even if Mom does have a fit, it won't matter. I'll be here...and you'll have Logan. Even if your whole life falls apart around you, at least you'll be free to finally love him the way you know you want to."

Ugh, Kendall thought. Damn. This damn girl always gets her way.

"All right," he said. "All right. I'll tell him."

Katie began to smile, but she was skeptical.

"If things don't work out between me and Jo this time, I'll tell him," Kendall amended.

Katie's smile disappeared, but she knew deep down that Jo screwing things up was just a formality. She'd screw up, all right, and nothing could be surer.

"You better not be BSing me, big brother," she told him. "No backing out."

"No backing out," he promised. "But there's one condition."

"What?"

"When I tell him - if I tell him - I'm not going to let him think that we can be...you know, together or anything. He has to understand that we can't be together, and that the only reason why I'm telling him is so that we can both work together on...not being together."

Katie narrowed her eyes at him. "Fine, that makes sense," she said, not wanting to trigger his assholery again, but damn...he could be so stupid at times. Of course, Kendall might have thought that it would be as easy as just deciding he and Logan wouldn't be together, but Katie knew better. "We'll see about that," she said. "We'll see what happens when you tell him. Because you will tell him. Because Jo will screw up."

Kendall remained silent as she got up and went for the door. She stopped and turned to him. "I love you, Kendall," she said.

"I know. Now get out of my room."

She disappeared.

For the life of him, he could not understand how she had so much power over him. It just didn't make any sense, but whatever. Whatever. If there was one person he couldn't lie to, it was her, and somehow, she'd gotten him to commit to doing something he wasn't too sure of doing it.

But what she'd said stayed with him. So what if his dad would try to kill him? So what if his mom wouldn't want to look at him? And even if James and Carlos got weird around him, and even if the world hated him...it wouldn't matter...nothing would matter...because he'd have Logan Mitchell by his side, in his arms, in his life forever...

But that wasn't the goal. That wasn't what he was supposed to be thinking about. No, he was supposed to have faith in Jo, and he was going to have faith in their relationship. He wouldn't have to tell Logan anything, because Jo meant it this time. SHE MEANT IT. And everything would be swell.

"I hate my life," he said again, but his eyes shot open to make sure no one would come in and rain on his parade again. This time, however, his phone began to ring.

"Jo," he answered. "How's it going?"

And as he and Jo began to talk about the same old things, he couldn't help but wonder where Logan was at that very moment.

* * *

><p>Ten days.<p>

It had been ten long days since Logan had confessed to Jo his love for her boyfriend. He'd actually done it...he had actually told her that he loved Kendall. And more than that, he actually told her that he thought she was a shitty girlfriend and that he wanted Kendall to dump her. And, most shocking of all was the lie...he'd actually told her that Kendall loved him back.

I'm an idiot, he had told himself over and over again in the days following the big scene. I'm an idiot.

He'd never meant to tell her that, but damn it...he'd just wanted to make her hurt. He had wanted to see her suffer and to see her burn, and he'd grabbed for the meanest, most crushing thing he could say. And that was it. Telling her that Kendall loved him and not her? That had to hurt, and even days later, he could still see the death that had consumed her when he'd said it.

He hoped to God that she'd heard what he'd said after that. He needed her to know that it wasn't true, that he'd only said it in anger. He needed her to understand that Kendall didn't love him. Just the thought of her sitting Kendall down and telling it to him..."Listen to this...Logan, that queer, thinks YOU have a crush on him! Can you believe that?" And they'd laugh and laugh, but then Kendall would get angry, and Kendall would find him and do horrible things to him, and...

But no. No. That hadn't happened yet, and with each passing day, he believed it would never happen. Maybe Jo had a heart...maybe Jo could see that he was just as torn up as she was and that they needed to work together. He knew he had to get with her and explain everything - this time, though, the "real" everything, not a melodramatic exaggeration of it. But dang...it was such an intimidating prospect. How would she even react to him? Maybe she didn't tell Kendall anything, but still...did she want to kill Logan or did she feel sorry for him? Hell...he'd told her that he thought she sucked and that Kendall could do better. Why on earth would she ever feel sorry for him?

I have to get to her, and I have to make her understand, he'd remind himself every time she crossed his mind.

But had that not been the point of his little visit in the first place? To get to her and make her understand? And all he'd done was dig a deeper hole for himself. He hoped she would listen to him...he needed her to listen. He hadn't seen her or heard from her at all since that draining day in her apartment, but with her in Hawaii, he knew he had a few extra days to ready himself for the inevitable Round 2.

To make matters worse, Kendall was going through one of his "moods." Logan would notice it every three or four months. Kendall would start keeping a distance between the two of them...avoiding him, almost. He wouldn't talk as much, and whenever they'd have free time, he'd go off all by himself, never asking Logan to come along. As much as it jabbed at his heart, Logan was accustomed to these little periods...he figured Kendall was entitled to have time to himself. Of course, he would always get worried and wonder that maybe Kendall wanted time to himself because he was sick and tired of having to deal with a little dark-haired dork who did a horrible job of concealing the massive crush he had.

Whatever the reason, this time around, Logan considered it a blessing. No Kendall-time meant more time he could spend "getting out and meeting new people." He'd put his nose to the grindstone and really searched for activities he could take part in, in particular, activities that would push him as far away from the Palm Woods (and Kendall) as possible. He'd joined the Mark Twain Appreciation Society, the Marie Curie Appreciation Society, the Jonas Salk Appreciation Society, the Harry S Truman Appreciation Society, the Sophocles Appreciation Society, the Pythagoras Appreciation Society, the Benjamin Franklin Appreciation Society, the Dalai Llama Appreciation Society...he even joined the Snooki Appreciation Society. Anything he could get into that would occupy his mind...and maybe even help him find someone new.

You'll never find someone like Kendall, his nagging conscience would tell him. There will never ever ever be another one like him...

But Logan was okay with that. He wasn't looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. Just someone who could keep his mind occupied for now...someone who could receive the kisses he wanted to give to Kendall, someone he could hold onto in the middle of a dark, rainy night...someone he could imagine was Kendall, even though he knew she could never be him.

As he walked along the sidewalk after attending his first meeting of the Hysterical About History book club, though, he wondered why he was trying to kid himself. Even if he did find someone who could take his mind off of Kendall, did he really think that that would be the magical answer to solve all of his problems? Thirty or so years down the road...would he really be happy with some girl and some kids, and he'd never even think about all of the things Kendall meant to him?

Never, he thought. Never.

Logan would often imagine what would happen if he was no longer there...if he just upped and disappeared and never had to look at Kendall or be near Kendall ever again. He wondered what would happen if he went to Gustavo and told him that he wanted out of the band...that he wanted to go back to Minnesota. He'd have to keep it a secret, because the other guys wouldn't want him to leave. Especially Kendall. He knew Kendall would beg for him to stay...he knew Kendall would need his best friend to be by his side...but damn it, didn't Kendall know that Logan had an urge to be more than just a best friend?

If Logan went back to Minnesota, he could just as well pretend that the last ten years had never happened. He had never talked to Kendall Knight. He had never met James Diamond or Carlos Garcia. He'd never packed up his stuff and moved to California, chasing behind a boy he loved. He'd never had this whole crazy adventure that was being Kendall Knight's best friend. No...he'd still be Hortense, and he'd be secure with his books and experiments and dorky little toys. Maybe he'd go to medical school, and maybe he'd ship himself off to some remote village where none of the natives spoke English.

But of course, he knew that there'd always be something in him...something in him that would constantly think of Kendall...no matter where he was. Even if he went into outer space and ended up on another planet in another galaxy...he'd still hear Kendall's laugh echoing through eternity...and he'd still see Kendall's smile and feel Kendall's touch...

You're no better than you were last week, he told himself as he got back to the Palm Woods. You've done nothing at all to "get over Kendall." You're worthless, and you're useless, and you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life.

And to top it all off, it seemed as if Kendall wanted nothing to do with him, either. Every time Logan went into their room, he'd be on the phone with Jo, and as soon as they'd hang up, he'd get up and leave. And Logan would just sit...trying to focus on the words in whatever work of literature he was reading...but in actuality, he'd be dying inside...little by little.

If that was what "getting over Kendall" was all about, then it was harder than he'd ever imagined it would be.

* * *

><p>Yes, ten days.<p>

It had been ten days since James and Carlos had decided to stay out of Kendall and Logan's business...whatever their business was. All throughout their workdays, James and Carlos couldn't help but watch, stare, observe. They had to see if there were any signs. There would be signs, right? If Kendall and Logan were carrying on with some kind of love affair, there would be obvious signs. For example, Carlos had pointed out to James the fact that Kendall had a knack for staring into Logan's eyes and smiling real, real big whenever they'd practice the love songs. But when they had decided to pay close attention to Kendall during the love songs...they didn't see it. He didn't stare into Logan's eyes, and he didn't smile real big.

And that wasn't the only thing, either. It seemed like all of the hints that the curious duo had thought that they had to work with - the way Kendall always treated Logan with extra-special care, the way Logan always had that longing look whenever Kendall was around - were strangely absent. And now, James was wondering if he'd just blown it all out of proportion.

"If we could just get our hands on Logan's journal again," he whispered to Carlos as they hung out by the pool. "There have to be some answers in there."

"I'm really starting to think you're on your own," Carlos replied in between bites from his corn dog. He felt so damn guilty about this whole thing. It really did feel like they'd been spying on Kendall and Logan, and that just didn't seem right. It was bad enough that James had gone snooping around and read Logan's journal, but now they were having hush-hush conversations behind Kendall and Logan's backs, and the guilt was eating Carlos alive.

"Carlos, you might want to pretend that you don't suspect anything, but I can't," James said. He fanned himself off with a glamor magazine. "When something is right in front of me, I can't just ignore it."

"Okay," Carlos said. He would so easily second guess himself. Even if he'd made it up in his mind that there was nothing going on between Kendall and Logan, just hearing James's dissenting opinion was enough for him to reconsider his own conclusion. "But what is there in front of you?" he asked, hoping he could somehow reverse the effect and make James fall victim to his certainty for a change. "We've been watching them like stalkers constantly for the last week and a half, and nothing's happened! As a matter of fact, they've been spending more time apart than they have in a while, so that's sort of the opposite of what we've been looking for!"

"And you don't think that could mean something?" James asked, leaning over his chair but trying to whisper. "What if...what if they know that we know and they don't want us to know, so they're making us think that we don't really know...what we know. You know?"

Carlos slapped his palm against his forehead. "James, like I said, you're on your own. If you want to keep coming up with these crazy, far-fetched notions, you're welcome to, but leave me out of it."

He squirted mustard on the rest of his corn dog and happily munched, hoping that this conversation was dead once and for all. He meant what he'd said, too, but maybe Carlos's motivations weren't as innocent and benevolent as they seemed. He actually wanted James to keep going after those "crazy, far-fetched notions," because, as much as Carlos hated to admit it, he too was having a hard time putting those Kendall and Logan suspicions to rest. But if he removed himself from the sneaking around and the observing and the spying, he wouldn't feel so bad about it. He hoped James would find out something, though. Anything, really. Just so he didn't have to keep on thinking and suspecting things about his friends.

James rubbed some lotion onto his face and lay back on his chair. He knew how Carlos was, and he knew that they both wanted to get to the bottom of this. Okay, so he wouldn't make Carlos be a sneaky little bastard. He was fine with being a sneaky little bastard all by himself, and if this whole thing turned out the way he figured it would - the way he sort of wanted it to turn out, actually - it'd all be for the best. He'd been kicking around the idea of Kendall and Logan being together for too long to suddenly let it go now, and even if he did let it go, he had the overbearing feeling that he really wasn't in charge of this whole "thing" anyway. It had a life of its own, and it was far from dead.

"Shit's gonna go down," he said coolly as Carlos sipped from a tropical beverage. "I don't know when or where, but shit's gonna go down."

* * *

><p>Logan stood outside his bedroom door. He could hear that voice...Kendall's voice. On the phone and talking to Jo. His girlfriend.<p>

"I'm glad you're having a good time," he could hear Kendall say. "Hawaii's kick ass from what I hear."

Logan wanted to just go back outside or go into the living room or just go wherever else he could go. He could sit and listen to Kendall and Jo's lovey-dovey conversations, but only for so long. And today, he just was not in the mood for that. But then...

"No, I swear I'm okay," Kendall said. "How does a person sound depressed?"

Logan's eyes narrowed and he leaned against the door to listen more clearly.

"Jo, I told you I'm fine, believe me. There's nothing that I want to talk about...of course, if I needed to talk about something, you'd be the first person I'd run to. Wait a minute...wait...you think I'm cheating again, don't you?"

That pierced through Logan's ears like a knife through a potato. Was she starting up again ALREADY? Was she ALREADY giving him shit again? ALREADY? After only ten days of being Miss Perfect Girlfriend, she was on his case about an imaginary mistress who only existed in her mind?

It's me, he thought. She's asking him about me...I'm the imaginary mistress. I'm ruining their relationship.

Maybe he would have smiled at knowing that he played just a small part in the unraveling of Kendall and Jo, but as he heard Kendall plead with her that she could trust him and that he would never hurt her...all Logan could do was feel like a selfish, guilty, evil creature. He hadn't told Jo about his feelings for Kendall to help her or to help Kendall or to help anyone but himself. Had he been thinking about Jo's feelings, he would have realized that she didn't need to be wrapped up with suspicions about Kendall and his best friend. Had he been thinking about Kendall's feelings, he would have known that Kendall didn't need to deal with Jo's nagging and whining and insecurities. But no, all Logan had been thinking about was himself...his feelings, his emotions, and what he wanted.

If I was only thinking about myself, he thought, I would have taken him from her a long time ago...I would have kissed him, and I would have made love to him the way I've always wanted him to make love to me...and he would have loved me, and he wouldn't have given two shits about her or where she would have ended up.

He pivoted on his foot and began to head for the living room. Maybe there'd be some documentary on TV that would take his mind away from his problems. Maybe then he wouldn't hate himself so much, and maybe then he wouldn't love Kendall so much, and maybe then he wouldn't be so scared of Jo and her unpredictable actions. Maybe he could sit and watch television until he was sure Kendall would be fast asleep in their room.

But as soon as he turned on the TV and sat on the couch, he could feel the presence behind him.

Kendall.

"Hey," he said weakly as he slowly approached Logan from behind.

Logan dropped the remote to the ground and turned in surprise. "K-K-Kendall..." he said.

"So...uh...what are you doing?" Kendall asked. He sat on the sofa next to Logan but he made sure not to let their legs or shoulders or arms or anything touch. Not even their eyes.

Logan didn't know what to say. Obviously, he was channel surfing, but hell...he honestly had no clue what he'd been doing before Kendall sat down next to him. It was like all other activities with all other people were just opening acts for the main show, which was Kendall. This being the first time Kendall had sat down and initiated a real conversation with him in over ten days, Logan was unsure of what to do or how to act.

"I'm watching this...on TV," he stuttered, pointing blindly to the screen. "This" happened to be some random show on PBS with a man with an afro painting "happy little trees."

"Cool," Kendall said, immediately turning to the TV and watching it as if he was a diehard fan. Logan, at a lost for reaction, turned and did the same.

I hate my little sister, Kendall kept thinking. I hate her hate her hate her. Because now I kind of WANT to be with Logan, and now I WANT to...touch him...and other stuff. Fuck.

He knew he'd been treating Logan badly over the previous days. He knew that maybe he should have invited him to tag along to the beach one day or maybe they could have played video games one day or maybe they could spent a lunch break at work going over harmonies together or maybe one night they could have had the serious heart-to-heart that Kendall knew they probably needed to have. But he didn't know if he had the strength to do all of that without letting Logan get to him and letting Logan break down his resolve to be "normal" and be happy with Jo.

Jo. Ugh. He'd gotten her to see that she had nothing to worry about, that he wasn't "cheating" on her. She'd always come around with her little fears...that would always be the beginning of her descent into "bitch Jo." She'd start with the paranoid nagging. "I saw you talking to a girl by the pool." "I heard you went to the movies last night." "You kissed a fan on the forehead?" "You stayed at the beach until midnight...all by yourself...with no one else?" Kendall would try and try to reassure her, and she'd take his word for it, but he knew that there'd always be something in her that couldn't trust him. There'd always be something in her that ignored the outrageous amounts of love he'd give her whenever he felt like she deserved it. No amount of affection would ever be enough to make her believe in his fidelity.

Of course, he also knew that the love was split. He could never give her every single drop of love that he had in his body, because some of that love - a substantial portion of that love...a huge amount of that love...most of that love - belonged to Logan.

He eyed Logan carefully through the corner of his eye. He knew he could have that boy...for the rest of his life...for eternity...and being "normal" wouldn't matter. Nothing and no one would matter, because they'd be together forever. They'd leave California behind and find a place in the middle of nowhere.

He needed to be sure, though. He needed to know that that would be enough...that Logan would be enough for him for the rest of his life. He needed to know that if his parents disowned him and if his friends alienated him and if he had no other place in the world to call home...Hortense Mitchell, with his glasses and his knobby knees, would be all the warmth he had ever yearned for.

I already know that, he thought. But I'm scared...and I want to take it slowly.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly, never turning away from the "happy little trees."

Logan let the words rest in the air for a few seconds before responding. He, too, remained fixated on those trees. Such happy little trees...two of them, of course, and they had not a care in the world. They lived on the side of a mountain, where nothing could bother them.

"For what?" Logan finally asked.

"For this week," Kendall elaborated. "I've been a horrible best friend."

Logan swallowed carefully and looked down. He didn't want Kendall to notice his shaking body or his twitching thumb.

"You've been busy," he said shakily with a hint of understanding. "I mean...we've been busy. All of us. You and me. And James and Carlos."

Kendall took a deep breath. "But you and me are different."

Again, Logan waited before giving an answer. Both of them held their breath for what seemed like perpetuity.

"We are."

And then, Kendall turned from the TV to face this...this weak, hurting, nervous, stressed, depressed, and wrecked little boy...his little boy...his man.

"It's not too late to hit up the beach," he suggested calmly and solidly, with the sun beginning to set in the window.

And in Logan's mind, there was never a single moment of deliberation or second thought or anything like that. Not a single question as to whether or not he would go...because even though he knew he probably shouldn't...even though he knew going would only hurt him...he just had to feel loved, if only for one evening...if only for a few measly hours. He had to feel Kendall's love..."friendship" love as it may have been...but he needed to feel it. Because if he was serious about getting over him or finding someone else or leaving California behind...he knew he needed to feel that love just one more time before he let it go forever.

He nodded slowly as the artist smiled at his "happy little trees."

"Let's go."

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> And there you have it, the complete Chapter 15! Thank you all for being patient and waiting for it! Next chapter's gonna be a heavy one, trust me. I will tell you this...their trip to the beach will be very interesting, but we're still a few chapters away from EVERYTHING getting out in the open. I have most of the rest of the story outlined, and things are just gonna build and build until it all explodes in a big old-fashioned climax! I truly hope you all keep reading and letting me know what you think!


	16. On the Verge of Falling

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Wow...a whole week's gone by without a chapter :( Well, here's a new one! It was gonna be longer, but I had to decide between giving you guys a long chapter later or a shorter chapter now, and I figured you'd rather have something now! Unfortunately, I can't say exactly when the next update will come, but I hope it won't be too long! This one is alllllll Kendall and Logan, and it might get a little confusing in some spots, so if it's crap, please let me know, and I'll think about rewriting it! Thanks for all of your reviews!**  
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* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER SIXTEEN<strong>

The waves were coming in slowly, and the sun was setting into the limitless frontier known as the Pacific Ocean. Kendall stood in the water, letting it roll over his feet and lap up at his ankles, and Logan sat back on the beach, aimlessly fidgeting in the sand. Two young men with so many things on their minds and so many things they wanted to say...

Kendall often felt like a man with two hearts. Or maybe it was a dozen hearts. It always seemed like he was being pulled in a million directions, with obligations to give his all to each one. Ever since his father had left, he'd felt responsible for his mother's happiness, and he never wanted to do anything that would make her upset (though, being a teenage boy, he sometimes found it hard to keep this up). He took care of his little sister when she needed him, but with Katie, that was rare. Still, Kendall knew that his role as big brother was one that came with many duties, all of which he carried out willingly.

Even though his father was no longer in his life, Kendall still felt an innate need to please him, too. Maybe it was less about pleasing him and more about proving something to him and getting the last laugh. Kendall wasn't sure of the reason, but he kept Sean Knight's harsh words and harsher punishments fresh in his mind as motivation to be successful in life.

He also had responsibilities as the leader of Big Time Rush. He was the bridge between Gustavo and the boys, and he was the one who did all of the negotiating. When the others were too chicken to speak their minds and put their boss in his place, it would always be Kendall who'd step up and let him know what was what. Sometimes he wished the others would grow a pair and do their own bidding, but at the end of the day, they were his best friends, and if they ever needed his support, he'd give it to them with no problem.

And then there was Jo. He cared about the girl, he really did, and even through her periods of out-of-control behavior and unable-to-deal-with personality, he knew that deep inside, she was screaming for the love and affection and attention that she had never gotten before. He had promised to give her those things as much as he could for as long as she would accept them, but was his devotion to her really fueled by that type of fierce, unyielding teenage love that had sent many a heart aflutter throughout history?

I can't hurt her, Kendall thought as he dug his toes into the sand. If I break her heart, she's gonna lose it...she's gonna do something crazy, and it's gonna be all my fault...

But what about Logan? Years ago, Kendall had promised to always be there for him, too, and to never let him down for as long as they both should live. But now he was coming off a week of doing just that. Letting Logan down. Whenever Kendall would get in over his head trying to juggle his feelings for Logan with his feelings for Jo, it seemed as if Logan would always get the short end of the stick, but maybe that was just the nature of Logan's personality. Whenever Jo needed Kendall's love and attention, she'd do what she had to do to get it from him. The date at El Chaparral followed by a night of sex was the perfect example of this. But Logan was different. Kendall would apologize for being a lackluster best friend, and Logan would just accept it...no questions asked, no grudge held, no cold shoulder. He'd always give Kendall the space to make his own decisions and be his own person, which was more than what could have been said about most of the other people in Kendall's world.

Kendall knew Logan deserved much, much more than what he'd been giving him through the years. He deserved to know that he was worth being fussed over, that he was worthy of attention and love and sweetness. He deserved to know that he had earned Kendall's love and would always have his heart. Kendall knew that it was up to him to make Logan realize all of these things, but shit...it was just too hard. Kendall had gotten quite comfortable with the situation as it was. He and Jo would have problems...he and Logan would get close to the edge of desire...and he'd use all of his strength to get past it. But every time the cycle started over, Kendall found it harder and harder to be strong.

He wondered if it would be so bad if he just told Logan the truth. He would tell him, and they'd work hard to fix each other. They'd be able to move part the little feelings they'd been having for each other, and they'd be "normal."

But Kendall wasn't clueless, and he definitely couldn't fool himself, as much as he tried to. He knew that it would never be as easy as, "Hey, Logan, yeah, I kinda love you, and I know you love me, but it's cool, we'll just fuck lots of chicks until we're straight, because you know...I'm a weak little bitch who's still scared of crap my dad told me when we were kids, so yeah...as much as I'd really love to...you know...be with you forever and ever and ever...I can't, because I'm a wimp, so yeah."

And Logan would just be like, "Sure thing, Kendall! Let's find some vaginas!"

Ha. That would never happen, and Kendall knew it. He knew that the second he told Logan that their feelings were mutual...that would just be it. There'd be no more words. There'd be no attempts to change nature. There'd be no goofy joking meant to mask the deep, deep feelings they both had. No. There would be eyes. Intense, piercing eyes. Green. Brown. And there'd be this overwhelming sense of freedom...freedom to give into all of the things that they'd been repressing for years. And it wouldn't be long before they'd be touching each other. They'd hug. They'd hug so tightly...and Kendall would take Logan's little body in his arms and he'd never want to let go. And then they'd kiss. Their lips would meet, and their tongues would touch, and...and Kendall knew that he would have never been able to walk away from it. The very thing he'd been wanting for so long but had convinced himself he wasn't supposed to have. How could he turn that down? How could he tell Logan the truth and then just go on as if Jo was a good enough replacement? How could he go on ever thinking that anyone could ever replace Logan?

And then after they'd kiss...they would lie down together...and they'd continue to touch...and they'd whisper so many things into each other's ears...and they'd make love. Sweet, passionate love that would feel like eternity.

And would Kendall really have the strength to tell Logan that it could never happen again? Would he really be able to say that it was only a one-time thing, that they just had to get all of the urges out of the way before they could move on to their "normal" lives? Would he be able to look Logan in the eye and say, "No, we can't be together"?

Never.

He looked back at Logan, who had buried his own hand under a mound of sand.

I'm hurting him, Kendall thought. I'm hurting him more and more every day...he needs to know that I love him. I can't tell him how I really feel, but I have to show him that I still care...that I haven't forgotten about him or my promises...I have to cheer him up and show him that we'll be happy one day. I have to keep being his best friend, because it's the least I can do.

But as Logan sat in silence, stealing glances at the guy he loved, all he could think about was his own weakness. Here he was, again, failing to do anything at all to "get over Kendall." It had been his idea. No one had given it to him, no one had convinced him to do it. He'd decided to get over Kendall. That was his choice. But here they were on the beach at sunset. Definitely not the best atmosphere in which to fall out of love with someone. Once again, Logan's heart had gotten one over on his mind, and, once again, he felt like he'd never find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just being with Kendall stirred up all kinds of crap in him. Part of it felt like paradise. Just the two of them in silence with the slow California sunset lighting up their world. They didn't have to speak. They didn't even have to look at each other. Just being there together was more than enough to fill Logan up with so much love for Kendall. But that love made him hate himself. Where was his self-control? Where was his ability to let go of the things he couldn't have? Why couldn't he say goodbye, once and for all, to this crush he'd been harboring since he was a kid?

Obviously, there was an error in the system. He couldn't possibly "get over Kendall" as long as he was living with him and working with him and sharing a bedroom with him. He couldn't just stop loving Kendall if they were always just minutes away from a big, beautiful sunset and the deep, blue sea. He had to get away. That was the only way this could work. It wasn't like he'd ever really wanted to be famous anyway. He'd always wanted to be a doctor, and Kendall had known that before Logan himself.

I'll talk to Gustavo and Griffin, he reminded himself. I'll tell them that I can't stay, that I have to go...that I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. They don't have to know why. And by the end of the summer, I'll be back home, and I can forget about the whole thing. I won't even think about Kendall anymore.

But every time he would pass the Knights' old house? And every time he'd see their old school? And the supermarket at which Kendall used to work? Everywhere he'd go, there'd be memories of Kendall. In the sweet smell of the Minnesota air, in the soft sounds of snow falling on the ledge of his bedroom window, in the feel of a crisp autumn day, and in the taste of creamy hot cocoa as it warmed his insides...Kendall would be there, in every single part of it, and Logan would never be able to forget him..

I don't care, Logan said to himself. I don't care. It's better than being here with him every single day. And if I go back to Minnesota, he can focus on himself and his life, and he won't have to keep worrying about me.

Yes, the thought of going home was getting more and more attractive, but Logan was aware of the pain associated with going back and being alone while Kendall was miles away. It didn't matter, though...he had to make it so that it didn't matter, so that he just didn't feel anything at all for anyone. It was the only way it could work.

But as Kendall walked back to him and sat down, Logan could feel that warming sensation fill his stomach, the kind that makes you realize that you'll never stop loving that one special person.

"The water feels so good," Kendall said softly. "I could stay in it forever."

Logan cleared his throat and pulled himself together enough to not completely fall apart. "Why'd you get out?" he asked.

Kendall shrugged his shoulders. "Sometimes you just have to step out of what's comfortable."

The poignancy of his words was definitely not lost on him.

"Plus," he continued, "what's the point of going to the beach with your best friend if you're just gonna stand around in the water?"

He turned to Logan and gave him a tentative, close-mouthed, crooked smile. He knew that even if he had not the courage or the bravery to go all the way with his love, he at least owed Logan their friendship and a smile.

And though Logan fought as hard he could against the effect Kendall's smile always had on him, he smiled right back. He hated the fact that he was so easy to please, but damn it...he just could not NOT smile when Kendall smiled. It was too hard to stay focused on doing what he felt he needed to do when he had Kendall next to him, smiling, offering trips to the beach, and just...being Kendall.

He understands, Kendall convinced himself. Logan understands why things have to be the way they are. I don't have to tell him why we can't be together. He knows, and he understands. It's why he helped Jo with our date. He understands, and everything's going to be okay.

"You know, I never thanked you for what you did last week," Kendall said as he tried to scrape the last of the tension off of himself.

"Thanked me?" Logan asked. "For what?"

Kendall needled him slyly. "You know. What you and Jo did."

Logan almost choked on his own spit. "Me and Jo? We...uh...what did we do?"

Kendall shook his head and grinned. "I know that you told her not to tell me that you helped her with our date at El Chaparral, but I figured it out, and...I think it's great."

Logan was totally confused. "She...told you that I...helped her with your date?"

"Yeah," confirmed Kendall. "Well, I kinda sorta figured it out myself when I saw you sneaking out of her apartment that afternoon, but yeah, she told me all about it."

That afternoon, Logan thought. He saw me leaving Jo's...he knows that I was with Jo...he knows...he knows what we talked about...but wait...

"You saw me leaving...and she told you that I was helping her with your date?" he asked.

"Yeah! What are you, deaf?" Kendall laughed, picking up a handful of sand and tossing it. "And like I said, I think it's great that you...you know...you took the time to do that."

Logan didn't know what Jo had told Kendall or how she'd gotten him to believe it, but...shit, he didn't care. Now he knew that Jo definitely had not told Kendall the truth about their meeting at all, and he could finally let go of that last iota of fear that Kendall would one day randomly confront him about it.

"Oh," he said, the relief clearly evident in his voice. "It was...it was nothing. That's what best friends are for, right?"

Jo is fucking nuts, he fleetingly thought. She's absolutely crazy.

"Look," Kendall continued, feeling a need to clarify some things, "I know that...well, I know that you and Jo aren't like...friends or anything, but I'm glad that you put that aside for my sake."

Logan was alarmed to know that Kendall could see that he wasn't a big Jo fan. Whenever they'd talk about her at night, Logan would always at least pretend to like her. She did have the power to make Kendall happy, so he did appreciate her for that, but he would have been lying had he ever told Kendall that he truly liked her.

"What makes you say that we aren't friends?" he asked curiously.

"Just...I don't know," Kendall stumbled. "I know that when she gets a little crazy with the drinking and the drugs and everything...you don't really like that, so I just figure...you tolerate her because of me."

Yeah, and why do I tolerate her? Kendall asked himself.

"Heh," Logan let out. "She's all right." And if she hadn't told Kendall anything about what Logan had told her, maybe he'd been wrong about her all along.

Kendall searched for ways to break up the tension, and then he started to giggle. "You actually won't believe what I thought when I saw you leaving her apartment, though! The way you were standing there all suspicious-looking like a criminal or something."

Logan nervously giggled along, not exactly sure where Kendall was going with this one. "What did you think?"

"I thought..." Kendall hesitated, the dopey grin still on his face. "I don't know...I thought that you and her might have been...I don't know. It's stupid."

Logan put two and two together and his eyes immediately widened. "Wait, you mean...you thought me and Jo were...like...? Are you serious?"

"Yeah!" Kendall admitted. "I told you it was stupid."

Logan was shocked. First, it was the thought of him and Jo. That alone was enough to give him nightmares. He liked girls, and he thought they were nice, and he was definitely not repulsed by the idea of having sex with one, but...Jo? No indeed. He couldn't imagine it, and that was a good thing, because that was one mental image he did not need.

And second...she was Kendall's girlfriend! He would never do that to Kendall! Ever! He could never hurt Kendall...that was the last thing in the world he'd ever want to do, and the thought of Kendall being mad at him - or worse yet, feeling betrayed by him - would have been enough to kill him.

"Kendall, I would never do something like that to you," he said seriously as Kendall's laughter died down. "I'd never hurt you like that."

"I know," Kendall replied. He got the last of his giggles out.

"I know that you...you love her, and she makes you happy, and...I'd never ever want to do anything to ruin that for you. Ever."

Hearing Logan pledge his support to the lie that was Kendall's "love" for Jo made Kendall feel guilty as sin. He owed it to Logan to just be truthful...to at least tell him that Jo meant so little, that she was only a tool in his quest to be "normal."

"I'm sorry," he said morosely. "I'm sorry." But not just for thinking Logan would ever betray him, but for being such a coward.

"Kendall, it's okay," Logan insisted.

"No," protested Kendall. "I mean I'm sorry for everything. You're...you know, you're dealing with Camille leaving, and then the thing with Michelle, and then Jo gets in your face about the Michelle thing, and then I turn into a pretty crappy best friend for a while, so it's like...you...you deserve better. You deserve a lot. I've made a ton of promises to you over the years, and I keep breaking them every time I get sidetracked by...you know...stupid things."

Stupid things like Jo?

Logan nodded slowly, beating himself up even more now. He didn't want Kendall to feel sorry for him...he didn't want Kendall to feel like he had to put him at the top of his list of priorities. Oh, Logan definitely wanted to be there at the very top of that list, but at the same time...he wanted a lot of things from Kendall that he knew he would never get. So being cherished by Kendall as a friend, being protected by Kendall as a friend, and being loved by Kendall as a friend...all that did was make him want more.

"Kendall, you don't have to keep thinking about me," Logan pleaded earnestly. "You have your own life to live."

"I just want you to be happy," Kendall said. It was the least he could say...the very bare minimum of what he could do to show Logan his love. And it made him feel gross, because he knew quite exactly what would make Logan happy...he knew exactly what would take away Logan's anguish and what would make his face light up like Christmas...but Kendall's own selfishness and cowardice kept getting in the way...it just kept pulling him back from being the daredevil he'd so often be. But being a daredevil was easy when it didn't mean baring your soul.

"I'm happy," Logan lied, putting on a brave face. Kendall wanted him to be happy, so damn it...he was going to be happy.

And Kendall was strong. So strong. He was strong enough to take Logan's lie and believe it was the truth. He was strong enough to fight the urge to say..."No, you're not happy, and it's my fault." He was strong enough to ignore the simple truth that Logan was probably dying little by little inside and reaching a breaking point. He was strong enough to ignore the trembling in Logan's delicate thigh. He was strong enough to not reach over and touch that thigh and touch Logan's face and kiss him... he was strong because he had to be strong.

But maybe he wasn't as strong as he thought he was. Maybe his own thigh trembled. Maybe one day Logan would give in and Kendall wouldn't be able to reject him. Maybe Kendall was weaker than he wanted to admit. Maybe denying his love for Logan was beginning to hurt more than anything his father could have ever done to him. Maybe he was on the verge of falling.

Things were quiet for a while. The waves continued to crash, but the beach-goers in the distance were starting to disappear. Kendall could smell the nervousness coming from Logan like cheap cologne. There had been enough of that for the evening, he decided. There had been enough quiet conversation and slow-talking and skirting around serious issues. It had not been his intention to come here and stew in stress. He just wanted them to be them again. He just wanted to have a good time with his best friend again.

"So," he began, using his strength to switch from uptight to laid-back in an instant. "What have you been up to this week?"

The light tone in Kendall's voice lifted the weight from Logan's shoulders, and the nervous, dark-haired boy could feel the relief as it immediately kicked in. Without even thinking, he turned to face Kendall, who was already looking back at him with an inquisitive expression.

"I found a lot of cool clubs," he answered. "There are like ten of them that I'm planning to officially join whenever I get a chance to."

"Wow," Kendall commented, a tiny part of him burning because he knew that Logan was probably joining those clubs simply because it meant he wouldn't have to think about him. "Ten?"

"Yep," Logan replied. "As a matter of fact, I went to two of them today."

"Oh, really? What were they?"

"One's a history book club, and this morning, I went to a meeting of the Jonas Salk Appreciation Society."

"Cool," Kendall said, playfully jabbing at his own thigh. "He was always my favorite."

"Your favorite what?" Logan asked, legitimately surprised that Kendall even knew who Dr. Salk was.

"My favorite President, duh," Kendall said matter-of-factly. "The country hasn't been the same since he left office."

Logan did a facepalm and shook his head, trying not to laugh at Kendall's efforts to sound smart. "No, Kendall, no...Jonas Salk was a doctor! He discovered the polio vaccine."

"Right," Kendall nodded. "And then he was President for a few years."

"No!" Logan corrected as nicely as possible.

"He was! He was President right after Benjamin Franklin."

Logan couldn't believe his ears. He could have sworn that after all of this time Kendall would have picked up at least some knowledge from him.

"Kendall, no," he said patiently, but Kendall's sureness was so comical. "Franklin was never President. Many people think he was, but he was not. As a matter of fact, he died a year into Washington's presidency."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Oh, Horty, Horty, Horty...I know you're a genius and all, but I think you should just accept that math and science are your strong points," he said condescendingly, making Logan laugh and shake his head. "Benjamin Franklin was most definitely President, and Aretha was most definitely his First Lady."

Logan stopped and looked at Kendall with a WTF face. "Are you serious?"

Kendall burst into laughter. "I had you going for a while! Come on, do you really think I know anything about this Salk dude or whatever his name was?"

Logan went into epic blush mode. "Well, I didn't know..." he said. "I thought maybe you'd read one of my books while I wasn't looking."

"As if!" Kendall exclaimed. "The only way I'd ever get through any of those books is if...if you sat down and read one to me."

"Sounds like fun," Logan teased.

"Sounds like medieval torture," Kendall retorted as they both chuckled.

Their merriment was drowned out by the sound of a particularly large wave as it came into shore. As the world around them darkened, they quieted down and began to gaze at the moon and stars coming out above them. It was so hard to know what the future would hold for either one of them, but sometimes...just sometimes, the future did not matter.

"It's gonna be a gorgeous night," Kendall observed quietly.

"It will be," Logan said hesitantly.

Kendall lay down on his back, not caring about getting dirty or wet. "Come on," he nagged, pulling at Logan's shirt. "Let's watch the stars come out. Like we used to do when we were kids."

No, Logan told himself...Don't do it! Don't fall for it! It's not what you need right now! It's not what you need anymore! Don't let him suck you in...

But he never stood a chance. He carefully lay down next to Kendall in the sand, making sure to leave a little space between them. This was why he'd come with Kendall to the beach. This was what he'd needed for one last time. Regardless of what he was finally going to do to get over Kendall - whether he'd go back to Minnesota, whether he'd find some amazing girl in California - Logan needed this moment to remember forever.

And Kendall knew he was strong. Stronger than Logan. He knew that while he could lie there and hold steady against temptation as it swirled all around them, he knew that Logan wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. And maybe...maybe a part of him hoped that Logan would indeed give up...maybe a part of Kendall hoped that Logan would give in and make the first move...and maybe Kendall knew that if Logan had ever made the first move...he'd never try to stop him.

The sky was a tapestry of pink and purple and blue and black and yellow and gold and brown and orange and...all of the magical, wonderful colors of a summer fantasy. The moon appeared far in the distance, shining like the beam of a lighthouse, and the stars began to appear like tiny specks of glitter.

"I want to stay here forever," Kendall whispered, secretly hoping that Logan would be so affected by this declaration that he'd lose all control of his desires.

But Logan was focused. His strength was growing. He would not give in to the temptation.

"Me too," he said hoarsely. "Me too."

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> So sad. If only they'd just opened their damn mouths and said something, then maybe they wouldn't be in so much drama! But young love is always all about the drama, isn't it? Next up, we stay with this night as Kendall gets advice from an unlikely source, and Logan gets a warning. Chapter 17 is coming soon!


	17. Natural Rhythms

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** School always sucks at the end of the semester :( This was gonna be much longer, but once again, I figured you guys would rather have some of it sooner than all of it later. On the bright side, I've been able to plan a lot of the rest of the story, and big things are gonna happen in the next four chapters (after this one)! Anyways, thanks for reading and leaving such amazing comments! :) You guys are awesome! I have NO CLUE when I'll be able to write again, but hopefully Chapter 18 won't take nearly two weeks like this one did!**  
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><p><strong>CHAPTER SEVENTEEN<strong>

"You go upstairs," Kendall insisted when he and Logan returned to the Palm Woods. "I'm gonna sit and take in some of this air for a while."

The courtyard was empty and dark, and nothing could have been more appealing to Kendall in that moment. Time to think...it seemed he was always looking for a time and a place to think.

"You sure?" Logan asked.

"Yeah, go ahead," Kendall said with a reassuring smile.

"All right," Logan agreed. "I do need to get all of this grimy sand off of me."

"Heh, yeah," Kendall replied, brushing some sand off of his own arms. "I'll be up in a few minutes."

"Okay."

Logan left him to be alone with no arguments. He honestly couldn't demand that Kendall be joined to his hip for the rest of the night, could he? If Kendall wanted to be by himself for a while, he had a right to that. He'd spent an evening with Logan, watching the sun go down at the beach. It was perfectly acceptable for him to now want some space.

I'll give him space, Logan thought as he entered the Palm Woods lobby and boarded the elevator. I'll give him all the space he needs...and all the space I need.

But back in the courtyard, Kendall didn't know what he needed. He didn't even know what he wanted, to be completely honest. He kept thinking of how beautiful the evening had been. It hadn't been a big deal. Just watching the moon and stars replace the sun and clouds. Just watching the waves roll in and out of the sea. Just lying there with Logan in silence...sweet silence. Just feeling the natural rhythms of life pulsing through both their bodies.

I could have that every day for the rest of my life, he thought as he gently sat on a chaise. I could have it every day...if only I just opened my mouth.

He thought about Katie's advice. He'd have Logan no matter what. Even if the world just fell down around him. Even if all life died. Even if the sun and the moon and the stars and the clouds and every other thing in the entire universe vanished, and all that was left was a barren vastness filled with mystery and uncertainty and nothingness...no matter what...he'd still have Logan. Forever. And nothing else would matter.

And then he thought about Jo. He had responsibilities, and Jo was one of them. He knew what would happen if he told Logan the truth. It would have been impossible for them to fight their feelings. "Fixing it" would have been a lost cause. They would have made love, and they would have been together, and Kendall would have defended that love and that relationship against every bit of harm that came its way. He would have given his all to protect what they had. But what about Jo? How would she respond to Kendall's new relationship? What desperate actions would she take?

"Jo, I have something to tell you," he would say to her. He wouldn't have had Logan there with him then. No, he wouldn't want Logan to suffer her wrath. He wouldn't want Logan to be hurt by Jo's hurt.

"What's the matter?" she would ask, her eyes twitching maniacally and paranoia overtaking her whole mind, because she'd just know in her bones what he was going to say.

"We can't be together," he'd say. He'd try to be polite...oh, he'd try not to hurt her, but he knew she would be hurt regardless. It would have been impossible to break up with her without hurting her.

She'd repeat his words in disbelief. And then she'd immediately pledge to "get better" again, the same way she had so many times before. She wouldn't even ask why Kendall was breaking up with her, because she'd know that she'd given him a million and one reasons.

"Jo, there's more...there's something else I have to say," he'd tell her, trying to calm her down, because at that point, she'd be pacing around the room with exposed nerves.

"What?" she'd ask, stopping dead in her tracks and giving him the coldest, most heartbreaking stare ever. "What more can you do to hurt me?"

And he'd look her straight in the eyes, trying his best to convey his sympathy, and then he'd tell her. "It's Logan. I'm leaving you for Logan."

Her face would be a startling combination of shocked and surprised and disgusted and violated. She wouldn't even say anything because she wouldn't even know what to say. And Kendall wouldn't know how to respond, either, so words would be useless.

But then she'd start to make threats...those drastic, dramatic threats that she'd already made all the times Kendall had tried to break up with her before.

"I'll kill myself," she'd say. And she'd throw herself to the floor at his feet. "You don't want me to kill myself, do you?" she'd ask him in the most calculated voice.

And what would he do? Would he keep his mind focused on being free and happy with Logan? Or would it even be possible for him to be free and happy with Logan if he knew that there was a lost, broken girl out there whose life was spiraling out of control simply because he stopped being there for her?

Kendall put his face in his hands and tried to clear his mind, but it wasn't working. The only thing clear was that he had two choices. He could tell Logan the truth, experience love and lust like he'd never had before, and let Jo down gently. And if and when she went nuts, he'd just have to let someone else take care of her. Or he could stay with Jo and never tell Logan anything. He'd deal with Jo's mood swings, and he'd disrespect Logan, and then he'd make it up to Logan, and then he'd accept Jo's apologies and believe her promises, and then it would happen all over again.

What if I lose him? Kendall asked himself. What if he can't handle it anymore, and he just leaves me all alone before I can make a choice?

He lay back on the chair and closed his eyes, but a presence and a voice startled him.

"Kendall, dude! How's it going? What are you doing out here in the dark all by your lonesome, pal?"

It was the long-haired, tan-skinned, cool-as-a-cucumber, guitar-strumming piece of hotness known as Guitar Dude.

"Oh, hey," Kendall said, opening his eyes. He wished he could be alone, but then, he was glad to have company so that he didn't have to think anymore. "I'm just enjoying some of this air."

"Ah," Guitar Dude let out approvingly. "I know what you mean, man, I know exactly what you mean."

Of course, he had his guitar with him. He sat down on the chair next to Kendall's and strummed a quick chord.

"So, what's crack-a-lackin' in the world of Sir Kendall the Knight?" he asked in that low, raspy voice that turned just about everyone on.

"Nothing much," Kendall replied, his eyes closed again. "Just work and work and work."

"Ah," Guitar Dude replied. "Surely, you have time for play?"

"Ha. I don't know. It seems like even when I have a day off, I'm still working on something," Kendall answered coyly.

"Oh," Guitar Dude said thoughtfully.

"Guitar Dude, can I ask you something?" Kendall asked, opening his eyes for a second.

"Sure, man."

"Why are you wearing sunglasses at night?"

"Because, my man," he answered proudly, "I don't wear my shades to keep the sun out. I wear them to keep my soul in."

Kendall scratched his brow, prompting his friend to explain.

"See, as long as I have these bad boys on," he said, taking his shades off and putting them back on, "nothing around me can mess up my flow. I just put my shades on, sit back, and watch everything as it goes on, but nothing shakes me up, and nothing freaks me out."

Kendall nodded slowly and closed his eyes again. How awesome it would be to just put on a pair of sunglasses and never have to worry about anyone messing up your "flow." He and Logan could put their hater-blockers on, and all they'd see was each other. All they'd hear was each other...all they'd touch, all they'd feel was each other. Just like Guitar Dude always seemed to be in his own little world, Kendall and Logan would be in their own little world.

But Guitar Dude, for all of his eccentricities, was an astute observer. He didn't say much unless he was singing or reciting poetry, but he thought plenty. He liked to keep the world from affecting his "flow," but that didn't mean he didn't pay close attention to his friends and neighbors at the Palm Woods. He glanced at Kendall's closed eyes and the crippling weariness on his face, and he could just tell that he was dealing with some kind of drama. Guitar Dude didn't know what it was Kendall was going through, but he knew that there was nothing in the world that couldn't be helped by a simple melody.

And so he began to strum. Very calm, very slowly, very skilled. Kendall didn't flinch. This wasn't unusual...Guitar Dude randomly playing his guitar. But then there was something familiar about the song. Kendall recognized the tune...he recognized every single chord, and he recognized every single note. And when Guitar Dude began to sing, he recognized every lyric.

"When you're down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of me, and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights..."

_Kendall stood in the hallway outside Logan's bedroom. He knew his dad would have killed him had he known where his son was, but it was the day after the whole car-scratching incident, and Kendall just needed to make his way to Logan to thank him. It had never been so clear to him how strong Logan could be, and now...he just felt like he needed to be with him as much as possible. As long as he had Logan with him, he could feel safe._

_There was a small crack in the door, and Kendall stopped short of pushing it open when he heard the music coming from inside._

_"You just call out my name, and you know, wherever I am, I'll come running to see you again. Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you gotta do is call, and I'll be there. Yeah, you've got a friend."_

_Through the crack, Kendall could see Logan sitting on his bed, mouthing along to the words of the song, and staring dreamily into a photograph he held in his hands. His starry eyes glimmered and never left the picture._

_It's a picture of me, Kendall thought. He's holding a picture of me. This song...it's for me._

_"If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds, and that old north wind should begin to blow, keep your head together and call my name out loud now, and soon I'll be knocking upon your door."_

_The chorus began to play again, and suddenly, Kendall felt self-conscious about seeing Logan again. What if he did something or said something stupid? What if he creeped Logan out? What if, after Logan had left the Knights' house the day before, he realized just how weird and screwed-up Kendall was? What if...just what if Kendall couldn't control himself like he had the day before, and what if he took Logan's hand and kissed it? Wouldn't Logan jump back and scream? Wouldn't Logan push Kendall out of his room and out of his house and out of his life because he wasn't being normal?_

_Kendall wished he could just turn and run away. He and Logan could forget all about the day before, and then they could just pretend like it had never happened. Oh, but Kendall didn't want to forget it...he wanted to remember it forever. Logan...protecting him, for a change. Logan...being his hero, for a change. Logan...being the brave soldier, for a change. Logan...loving him back?_

_But then the door opened._

_"Kendall!" Logan gasped. "What are you doing here?"_

_Kendall almost fell, but he found his footing. Trying to control his panic, he answered, "I...I...came to see you, to see...you know...it's...uh...I need some help with that stuff we're learning in Ms. Landry's class."_

_"Oh," Logan said, easing up a little after being startled. "Well...um...I was just going to go get my calculator from out of the living room. I'll be right back."_

_"Okay."_

_Logan trudged on down the hall to the living room, and Kendall went into his bedroom. Somehow, it had been starting to feel different. He'd spent countless hours sleeping on that floor and even more hours sitting on the bed...but lately, it was feeling as if this room was much more to him than just where his best friend slept. His eyes went from wall to wall, seeing aquatic posters and historical portraits. He inhaled the aroma of pine that flowed throughout the room, and he let the sounds from Logan's little old-fashioned, outdated record player fill his ears._

_"Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? People can be so cold. They'll hurt you and desert you. Well, they'll take your soul if you let them, oh yeah, but don't you let them..."_

_A feeling shot through Kendall like nothing ever before. Now, more than ever, he knew Hortense Mitchell was his best friend, and he was not ashamed. Hortense was his safety, and Hortense was his home, and Hortense was warmth on a cold winter's day. And Kendall loved him._

_"Ain't it good to know you've got a friend? Ain't it good to know you've got a friend?"_

_And as Kendall sat on the bed, he looked at the photograph Logan had been coveting. The two of them holding the fish they'd caught with Kendall's grandfather. Two smiling, happy faces. Two little boys with their futures ahead of them._

_"You've got a friend."_

_The song ended, and there was silence as Kendall couldn't tear his eyes away from the picture. He could actually feel them begin to water. This shouldn't have affected him so damn much, but it did...and then, he looked up, and Logan was there. Kendall got up, went straight to him, and hugged him tightly._

_"Thank you," he said into Logan's shoulder. "Thank you, Horty...thank you...you're my best friend."_

_And Logan understood where Kendall's rush of emotions was coming from. At least, he understood most of it. He knew that it had been hard for Kendall to be the vulnerable one the day before...he knew that Kendall did not like, at all, for people to see his weak side. But he'd let Logan see it...and Logan had proven himself to Kendall, and now Kendall was glad to finally have someone in his life who would be his shelter during the storm. And that was when Logan knew that his friendship with Kendall...maybe it was more than just a friendship._

"You've got a friend," Guitar Dude ended very softly and carefully, never once going out of tune as he strummed the very last note of the song.

Kendall's eyes were closed so tightly. He was caught up in memory, wishing he could go back to that moment so many years ago and just do what he had wanted to do. He wished he had just kissed Logan then. And maybe things would have been different if he had. Maybe none of this California stuff would have happened, and maybe they would have never been famous, but damn it...they would have been happy. They would have been as happy as two people could possibly be. And the years of stress would have never happened. Their lives would have been perfect from that moment on, and they would have been together for decades upon decades.

But now? Now it wouldn't be so easy. Now there were complications on every hand. Now there were others whose feelings had to be considered. Now there was a band to worry about. Now there was Jo.

But what about all of that? So Jo would have a cow and lose her mind. She had cows and lost her mind plenty of times, and she'd always find her way back to her own unique type of sanity. Did Kendall really have to keep putting her first, above all else? As far as his own feelings were concerned, he had no qualms about putting her happiness above his. But above Logan's? No. He just couldn't do that anymore. Not to his best friend. Not to the person he loved.

But she'll do something...she'll do something big, he thought.

No, she won't, he said to himself. She lies. She lies to keep me because she knows it'll work on me. She knows how my mind works, and she knows how to guilt trip me.

But Logan. Logan would never guilt trip him or take advantage of him. And so Logan was the winner. It was Logan who deserved his love, because it was Logan who had earned it. It was Logan who was rightful owner of Kendall's mind and body, and Kendall knew it was time for him to do something about it.

And what would that something be? Just hop up from his seat and go up there and tell Logan the truth? Or would words even be necessary? What if he just went up there and grabbed Logan out of the shower and kissed him on the lips? And what if Logan wrapped his naked arms around Kendall, kissing him back? And what if Kendall teared out of his own clothes, and they bathed together, and then just slept in each other's arms? No sex. Not even making out. Just the explosive friction of two naked bodies touching in the night. Two hearts beating, two souls flying. And in the morning, they'd begin to deal with the fall out - and there'd be plenty - but as Katie had told Kendall...none of that would matter. Because he'd still have Logan. He'd still have his friend.

He knew it couldn't happen that quickly, though. No, he had to plan out every single detail. He had to think of how he'd tell Logan. It would have to be romantic. A dinner. Or just on the beach like tonight. Or maybe he could wait until their next trip back to Minnesota, and he'd tell him right there in Logan's old bedroom, the way he should have done a long time ago. And they'd spend the night in Logan's childhood bed...no longer the scared little boys they'd been. No, they'd be young men now. Strong young men who could be vulnerable, who could be weak...but young men who loved each other fiercely.

He'd break it to Jo gently, but he'd make her understand. He'd make her understand his feelings for Logan. And maybe it would be for the best. Maybe then she'd see that the distance in their relationship wasn't always all her fault. She'd see that Kendall had never really felt right in what they had, so a lot of the blame was his, too. And that would give her the strength and the confidence to move on, to find someone who deserved her, someone who could understand her better than Kendall ever could, someone who didn't have his own crap to sort out. And maybe they could all be friends.

But if didn't turn out that well? If Jo's reaction wasn't so sunshine-and-roses? If she lived up to her word...if her blood was everywhere, but most especially on Kendall's hands...and if she was done before her time...

I'll still have Logan, Kendall reminded himself. I'll still have Logan, and he'll make me see that it wasn't my fault.

And his father? What about him? Kendall didn't know how he could spin it around so that he'd believe that his father's reaction would be a positive one. There was no way that Sean Knight would be perfectly fine with having a gay son.

But he's gone, Kendall thought. He's gone, and he left because he wanted to leave. He's never come back. He doesn't matter. Nothing even matters. Nothing and no one.

So now what? He was going to tell Logan now? Hell, he'd promised Katie he would anyway, so it made sense. Of course, he'd added the condition that he'd only tell after Jo messed up again...and also, he'd said that he'd tell Logan that they couldn't be together. Well, those conditions were out the window now. He knew that Jo could keep herself together for several months if she needed to, and Kendall didn't know if he could wait several months to open up and be true. And as far as telling Logan they couldn't be together? His lips would already be firmly planted on Logan's before the words "But we can't be together" could ever leave them.

He'd give himself some planning days, though. He'd have to figure out just exactly how he'd tell them both, and then he'd figure out how they'd tell everyone else. He'd gather up all of the things he'd want to say and all of the explanations he'd have to give. He wanted to be ready. One hundred percent ready. That way, when it'd all be said and done...after the smoke would clear and the dust would settle...life would be wide open for him and Logan.

Me and Logan, he thought to himself as he opened his eyes. Me and Logan. Me and Hortense. Kendall and Hortense. I love him.

He turned to Guitar Dude, who was now just improvising on his instrument of choice.

"Guitar Dude...that was an amazing song," he said sincerely and confidently.

"Why thank you," Guitar Dude responded with a bob of his head. "It's a classic, man, but it never gets old."

"No," Kendall agreed. "No. It never does."

He gathered himself out of the chair. "I'll...I'll see you around. Thanks."

"You're welcome," Guitar Dude said. "And yeah, I'll see you around."

He didn't have to ask what Kendall meant. He already knew. The sound of music was a beautiful one, no matter what song, and Guitar Dude considered his ability to make music the greatest gift he'd ever been blessed with. For with music, he could touch people in ways he never could have without it. With music...he could give people inspiration, he could give them guidance, he could give them something to believe in. With just the simple strumming of the strings and the soft sound of his own voice, he could move mountains. And with a sweet, gentle song, he could push a person closer to who they wanted to be, who they were meant to be, and the thing they wanted most of all.

And as Guitar Dude walked back to his own apartment, he still didn't know what it was that had been bothering Kendall, but there was something he knew for sure. His guitar, his voice, his music, his song...it all gave Kendall the strength to love.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> So Kendall figures he has the whole thing straightened out, and he's going finally step up...oh, but something always steps into the way, doesn't it?

**DISCLAIMER**: "You've Got a Friend" was written by Carole King and is the property of Sony Music Entertainment.


	18. The Other Angel

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** *sigh* Well, I promised myself I wouldn't let a month pass by without updating the story, and so, here it is! You don't want to read more of my complaining about school taking over my life and what-not, so on to Chapter 18!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER EIGHTEEN<strong>

Logan had to force himself to not stand in the window and stare at Kendall. No, he was supposed to be giving Kendall space. Stalking wasn't space. But would it really be stalking, though? Just peering down into the darkness, seeing if he could make out Kendall's shape in the night...

I'd be able to see him, Logan thought to himself as he turned the sheets back on his bed. I'd know his body anywhere.

The wind-swept hair would be noticeable first...the way it just sat on Kendall's head, his bangs framing his distinctive face. And then the green eyes. Jades...they were just like jades. Emeralds, even.

And the dimples...Logan would be able to see those dimples, even if he went blind. They added character to Kendall's face. They gave his smile that certain level of brightness that made Kendall Knight's charm irresistible to everyone.

And then the wiry body. Logan knew that body. He'd seen that body in its rawest form...he'd held that body in his arms in so many hugs that he'd lost count. He'd dreamt of having that body next to his own for so long...but it was that body that he knew he could never truly have.

But it was okay to think about Kendall. It was quite all right. He wouldn't beat himself up for letting his mind get a little fantastic. He'd dream about Kendall tonight, and he'd silently mouth Kendall's name in his sleep, and maybe, if he could be quiet enough, he'd moan a little...bring himself to his own personal climax as Kendall slept quietly across the room...he'd let himself do that, because he knew that sooner or later, he'd have the guts to make the changes he'd only been talking about. He'd finally man up and do what he needed to do.

I can't live like this anymore, he said to himself as he chose a book from his shelf. I have to make it end...but for now? I'll enjoy every minute of it.

The book he just so happened to pick off of the shelf wasn't like the others. It wasn't an old dusty volume about endangered species of southeastern Kazakhstan. It wasn't some thousand-page ode to Art Deco architecture. It wasn't an intricately detailed account of how Pythagoras happened to come up with his infamous theorem. No, it was a photo album. Their photo album.

It was dark red in color, and gold letters spelled out "MEMORY BOOK" in the center, with little elegant frills in each corner.

The pages were filled with photographs that depicted the lifetime of Kendall and Hortense's friendship. The early pages had smiling little boys with missing teeth, scraped knees, and buzz cuts. Next were the awkward years, characterized by pimples, sprigs of facial hair, and unfortunate hairstyles, and then, towards the end, were the more recent pictures. Two handsome young men with mature faces and latently seductive eyes. The picture they took together in the airport bathroom before getting on the plane to California...the one they took the first time they'd ever gone to the beach...the snapshot they took the time to pose for at the prom they'd thrown for all of their friends...

Logan had always believed that the pages would just get filled up more and more until he'd have to get another book and another book and another. He'd believed that it would be possible for him just keep hoarding pictures of the two of them, their hair turning grey, their skin getting wrinkled, their eyes getting weary...but that would mean going through the rest of his life the exact same way he'd gone through the last few years. Wanting Kendall but not having him. And Logan just couldn't do it anymore.

But I'll do it tonight, he said to himself. I'll let myself want him, and I'll let myself think about him, and I'll let my thoughts of him take over my soul, and I'll enjoy it, and I shall not be ashamed, and...oh, it'll be just for tonight! I promise it'll be the last time! And tomorrow...I'll just start thinking about the future.

He thought about his newest plan. Just go on home to Minnesota. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Just forget about every single thing he'd accomplished here in California. Bail on the band, bail on all of the friends he'd made around the Palm Woods, bail on Mrs. Knight and Katie, bail on Gustavo and Kelly, bail on the entire damn state. Just so he could go back to Minnesota and be all alone.

It was drastic, and maybe it was a little over-the-top. Maybe he was in way over his head. But what else was he supposed to do? What else could he possibly do now? He knew he'd barely given himself a chance to explore the more practical options, but damn it...he'd been trying to live with his Kendall love for how many years now? As long as he stayed here in a room with Kendall and saw him every single day, nothing in the world would make it easy for him to move on from how he felt. The only option he had left was to leave, and so that's what he had to do.

Are you sure? he asked himself. Are you completely sure?

He stared hard at a picture of Kendall and himself from when they were in the seventh grade. It was from one of those lame-ass honor roll dances that middle school kids go to so they could feel grown-up and cool. And, of course, Kendall and Logan had thought they were grown up and cool. They had sneaked out of the gym where the dance was going on, and they'd ran far, far, far away from the building into the woods behind it. Logan hadn't known why Kendall wanted to be so isolated from the rest of the kids ("Don't you want to be with your friends?" "I _am_ with my friend..."), but he hadn't asked too many questions...he'd just followed along and put all trust in Kendall. Kendall had taken out a small disposable camera, and, even though it was dark, they had smiled nice and wide under a tree. At the very last minute, Kendall had thrown his arm around Logan and pulled him in very tightly as he stretched his camera-holding arm out in front of them.

After he'd snapped the picture, Kendall didn't move. He had just kept Logan close to him, not even saying a word. Not even...not even looking at him. Just staring out into the night, knowing that Logan wouldn't say this was weird or strange or odd or "not normal" or anything at all...knowing that Logan wanted to be just as close as he wanted to be.

And now, as Logan looked at the picture and remembered, he wished it could be like that again...he wished things could be that easy again. He wished he and Kendall could set off on foot and just leave everything behind them. They'd find a place to live, just the two of them, and they'd be happy. Kendall could think that they were "just friends," but Logan would wrap himself up in the fantasy, and maybe...just maybe, if enough time passed by, the fantasy would become reality.

Logan closed the book. He figured Kendall would be coming up any time soon, and as much as he was yearning for just the feeling of being near his love again, he knew it would probably be best for him to pretend to be asleep when Kendall came up. No need for any late night chats tonight...Logan's memory and imagination would provide all the stimulus he'd need for whatever dreams he'd have tonight.

But then, the phone rang.

He wondered who it could be, and he almost didn't get up to answer it, but then he thought...maybe it was Kendall. Maybe Kendall was calling him from downstairs...maybe Kendall wanted Logan to join him after all...maybe they could sit in the darkness of the courtyard alone...maybe they could talk...maybe they could touch...maybe they could...

But Kendall's phone was sitting on his bed across the room, so it couldn't be him. Who could it be?

He got up and grabbed his phone from the window sill. Two words flashed on the screen.

"Jo calling."

The second he saw it, he felt his stomach tense up. His breathing got heavy, and his head started to hurt.

Don't answer it, he told himself. Don't answer it...don't answer it...

But he had to hear what she wanted to say...she had to be calling him because she wanted to talk, right? It had been days since their last meeting, and Logan just needed to know where she stood on everything. And besides...he had this new outrageous plan. He wanted to go back to Minnesota! He would accept defeat and let her have Kendall, and how could she possibly stay mad at him after that? Yes, he'd talk to her, and he'd make her understand, and everything would work out for everyone. Jo would have Kendall all to herself, Logan would eventually be somewhere where he didn't have to face his unrequited love every single second of the day, and the relationship Kendall wanted to have with Jo would no longer suffer because of his clingy, needy, dorky little friend.

And so Logan picked up the phone. He tried to gather his words together before speaking, but Jo beat him to the punch.

"Logan?" she called out through the line. Her voice was calm and controlled, not at all like the growling monster Logan had subconsciously expected to hear on the other end, but not exactly warm and friendly either. "Logan, are you there?"

"Uh...yeah...yeah, I'm here," he answered, unsure of how to go about having this awkward conversation.

"Oh," Jo replied, a faint hint of relief in her voice. And then, after a very short beat, "Did you have fun at the beach?"

Logan's face froze. How in the world did she know that he and Kendall had been at the beach? Kendall didn't have his phone, so it's not like he'd called her and talked to her about it, and besides, after the last conversation those two had had, it didn't seem likely that Kendall would even want to talk to Jo tonight.

But still...how did she know?

"Uh yeah," he answered shakily. "We had fun. I mean, I had fun...I had fun. It was fun."

In her hotel room in Hawaii, Jo nodded slowly. There was no devious, devilish grin on her face, and no, she wasn't twirling a fake mustache or stroking a pet kitten. But the wheels of her mind were spinning out of control. Jo, though, had this way about her...even when her thought process was in overdrive, she could put on the calmest of characters and never let on that she was falling apart inside.

"Good," she said.

She had her ways of acquiring information, and it had been embarrassingly easy to get someone to keep an eye on Kendall and Logan for her while she was out of town. She'd gotten a report on each and every activity they'd taken part in and conversation they'd had. The activities they'd taken part in publicly, at least. And the conversations they'd had publicly, too...but, in her heart, she knew there could be nothing else. Right? Logan had told her straight up that Kendall didn't know about his feelings, and so that meant that nothing was going on between the two of them that she didn't know about.

Of course not, you idiot, she'd told herself over and over again in Hawaii. Stop being paranoid and accept the fact that Kendall is yours.

But how could she just ignore the facts? Generally speaking, she'd always been terrified of losing Kendall, whether it be to Logan or to any other person. That had always been one of her greatest fears, because then it would mean that all of the sweet things that Kendall had told her through the years - that she was worth loving, that she deserved to be loved, that she was beautiful, that she was sexy, etc - all of those things would have to be considered lies. And then, once she had started to zero in on her boyfriend's friendship with Logan, it made her even more jumpy. Their friendship was different, and she had a sort of intuition that allowed her to look through outward appearances and see things as they really were. Shit, she had not been wrong about Logan having feelings for Kendall, had she?

But her intuition had also told her that Kendall had feelings for Logan, and that was wrong. Logan told her it was wrong.

Well...actually, Logan didn't tell her that. Logan told her that Kendall didn't know about the feelings he - Logan - had for him - Kendall. That didn't have anything to do with whether or not Kendall had feelings for Logan. And so the question remained...

Is my boyfriend in love with his best friend?

And it weighed on her the whole time she was in Hawaii. Nothing could take her mind off of it. Grass skirts, ukeleles, enough rum to see dancing pineapples in her sleep...none of it was enough to get the questions and the thoughts and the fears out of her mind. She'd been pleased to know that Logan and Kendall hadn't been spending a whole lot of time together while she was away, but still...nothing could calm her. Her intuition's track record was too good. Rarely were her suspicions wrong. Rarely. It had gotten to her so bad that she'd called Kendall and almost came to within an inch of just asking him if he had feelings for Logan. She'd masked it under the tried-and-true "Are you cheating?" question, and when he'd done little to mask his annoyance before hanging up on her, she'd known that she was pushing him close to the edge. If she kept screwing up like that, she'd lose him for sure.

But would she lose him to Logan?

Never, she thought to herself. Never.

"Um...Logan, we have things to talk about, don't you think?" she asked him over the phone. She didn't want to scare him or make him do something stupid, but she wanted to let him know that she had a stake in this relationship she had with Kendall. No, it wasn't perfect. No, it wasn't always good for either one of them. But at the end of the day, Kendall Knight had made a promise to a shy, lonely girl a few years earlier, and that shy, lonely girl had taken it to heart. That shy, lonely girl had needed Kendall Knight, and that girl still needed him, even when it seemed like she didn't want him. She needed him.

"Uh...yeah," Logan replied. He agreed with her. They needed to talk. As much as he wished he could just give her a letter to explain his side of the whole mess and let that be the end of it, he knew that they had to sit down and discuss this like young adults.

"All right," she said, business-like. She hated the way it sounded, but hell, this was business. It was serious business. "I should be back in LA tomorrow morning. It'll probably take me a day to get over the jet lag, so what about Monday?"

"Sure," Logan agreed. His heart sped up a little, and heat enveloped his skin. This was real. This was...real. He was going to talk to her, tell her what he wanted to do. She sure as hell wasn't gonna protest. She'd probably buy the one-way ticket to Minnesota for him herself. And that would be the beginning of it, right here. The beginning of the end of his and Kendall's friendship.

But what if she didn't want it to end that way? What if that was too easy and too clean and not painful enough ? Logan had made her cry, and Logan had made her think her world was going to end. Logan had lied to her and ruined her life for a good five minutes or so. What if simply ushering him out of town wasn't enough payback for her? What if she wanted him to burn and hurt and die like she had?

"Jo?" he asked, his voice getting very small and very weak and very lame.

"What?" She was proud of herself for keeping her cool, and she could also sense the pain in his voice. She didn't want to hurt him, no, but that sweet sound of victory could never be denied.

"What are you going to do? About what I said, I mean...about the things I told you?"

She sighed. No, she didn't want to hurt him. But she had herself to think about. But her conscience wouldn't allow her to destroy the poor little dork.

"Logan," she said, trying to be as thoughtful as possible. "Don't worry, okay? It's gonna be all right."

He nodded, as if he she could see it, but, of course, her intuition enabled her to realize that her brief statement of safety had calmed his jumpy nerves a little.

But, again, Jo had a stake in what she had with Kendall, and, though she wanted to be as nice as possible about this, she had a job to do. If she wanted to stay sane, if she wanted to continue being the enviable star of _New Town High_, the beautiful and talented Jo Taylor who graced magazine covers and was dating the sexy boy band singer...she had to stand firm in her actions and she had to play to win.

"But Logan," she quickly added. "You want me to be on your side," she said frigidly. She repeated it for effect. "You want me to be on your side."

And then, the phone connection was cut, and Logan was left standing by the window, wondering what in the hell his life was coming to.

Monday.

Monday would begin it all. Monday would begin the end. Jo was going to win. Jo was going to take what was his...Jo was going to keep Kendall, and there would be absolutely nothing that Logan could do about it.

You're going to let her win? he asked himself as he went into the bathroom to throw some water in his face. You're going to let her win?

But was Kendall his to give up? Kendall was merely his best friend. That's it. Kendall had never promised to be more than that. It was Logan's fault that he wanted more than that. Kendall had nothing to do with it. And neither did Jo. And so it was Logan who had to give something up...it was Logan who had to lose something dear to his heart. Kendall and Jo deserved happiness, and their happiness had to come at the cost of Logan's.

I'll be happy by myself, he tried to believe. I'll be happy all alone back home, and it'll be all right. I'll be all right. I'll get my medical license, and I can be a country doctor in some small, far away town where no one knows me and I can pretend like none of this ever happened. I'll be happy. And Jo will be happy. And Kendall will be happy.

Kendall will be happy.

Or will he?

Logan felt foolish for even thinking of allowing himself to go back to that place where he dreamt of Kendall and yearned for Kendall over and over again. He had honestly planned on lying in that bed tonight and rubbing himself and touching himself and making himself come as the thought of Kendall touching him and rubbing him and making him come flowed through his mind. That was what he'd planned to do that night. Just to get all of Kendall's influence out of him. Just to get the imaginary seed that Kendall had expelled in him out. Just to set himself free of his Kendall love.

It was funny, the way the mind of an 18-year-old worked. Somehow, the solution to every single problem rested in the sensation of wrapping your hand around your junk and yanking at it. How in the flying fuck would jacking off to Kendall make him stop loving Kendall?

He didn't know. He'd deluded himself enough to believe it would be some kind of closure, but now he was smarter than that.

He just wanted to go to sleep now. Go straight to sleep, do not pass Dreamland, do not collect 200 memories and emotions that he did not need to deal with. And in the morning, what would he do?

I've got my damn clubs, he told himself as he turned the water off. I have my damn clubs and my damn appreciation societies, damn it. If I have to jack off, I'll jack off to Jonas fucking Salk.

But just as he turned to go back into the bedroom, he could hear it. The laughter. Kendall's laughter. It was muffled, it was quiet, but it still had its full and usual effect on Logan. It made him ignore common sense and reason. It made him forget all about the circumstances around him. It made him just stop caring about everything and everyone. It made him only want to be with Kendall Knight for the rest of his entire life.

He took a deep breath. He had to fight it. Fight it. Fight it hard. Fight it until it died in his arms. He had to make it go away forever.

As he closed the bathroom door behind him, he could see why Kendall was laughing. He sat on the edge of Logan's bed with the memory book in his hands.

"Dude, I didn't even realize you still had this thing," Kendall chuckled as Logan slowly made his way over to the bed.

"Yeah," Logan said, reaching for the book. He didn't need this shit. He did not need it. He wanted to take his book, put it away, get under his covers, turn off the light, and go to sleep. He wanted to forget this. He wanted it to go away. He wanted to kiss Kendall on the lips. No. No! He wanted to punch Kendall. He wanted to put his arm on Kendall's shoulder. No! He wanted to push Kendall out the window. He wanted to feel Kendall inside him, he wanted Kendall's love to erupt inside him like Mount St. Helens, he wanted to tangle his fingers through Kendall's hair, he wanted to just sit with Kendall and remember the good times, he wanted to just hear Kendall laugh and hear the excitement in Kendall's voice, and he just wanted to...

He wanted to die.

"No, let me see," Kendall protested when Logan tried to take the book.

"Kendall, I'm tired," Logan said sternly, yanking it from him. "You can look at it tomorrow."

Kendall was surprised at how Logan had suddenly turned into a hardass. He thought they'd had a pleasant afternoon and night. He made one final grab for the book. "I want to look at it now!" he snapped.

The memory book fell to the ground, opening to a picture that always had the power to knock both of them down to their feet. They were sixteen years old in it, and though they wore smiles, there was so much underneath both their smiles...a vast subtext that couldn't be completely figured out by even the most brilliant of psychoanalysts. But whenever Kendall and Logan would look at that picture, including now, every single feeling...every single emotion...every single thought from that weekend would return as clear as day.

_Two memories kept flashing in Logan's mind during the entire drive out to Kendall's grandparents' house in the woods._

_The first was from the first time he'd ever visited the house. He'd been eleven years old then, and it had been a magical weekend of fun and adventure with his new best friend, Kendall Knight. He'd never thought he'd ever have a friend like Kendall, but the little boy he'd been all those years ago had enjoyed every single minute of it, and he'd been very appreciative. They'd fished and hiked and explored and horsed around, and at night, they'd slept nice and warm in a big, comfortable bed._

_But now when Logan remembered back to that time, all he could focus on was the words Mr. Knight had used the following morning to describe his son's new friendship. "Not normal." "Fags." He had worried that Kendall and Logan would start talking about their "feelings" and turn into a pair of "fags."_

_He was right, Logan thought to himself as he and Kendall approached the house. He was right about me, at least._

_The other memory that kept coming back was from when Kendall's grandmother had died. It had only been about a year or so since she'd passed away, but Kendall had seemed to have gotten over it. When his aunt had asked if he'd want to house sit for his grandpa for the weekend, he'd accepted the duty without any hesitation, and the whole family sighed in relief, taking the whole thing as a sign that Kendall had finally come to terms with his grandmother's death and his parents' divorce._

_But Logan knew better. He knew how to read Kendall like no one else could, not even his own family. He knew that Kendall wasn't one for outward displays of emotion, and he knew that his feelings were always like latent time bombs just hovering beneath his surface. He knew that somewhere, somehow, during this weekend, an immense feeling of loss would come over Kendall, and he'd have to be the one to pick up the pieces for him._

_It's my job...it's my duty, Logan said to himself as the engine shut off and they began to unpack their gear._

_A whole weekend, just the two of them. Logan didn't know what was going to happen. He knew he loved Kendall, and he was okay with that, but he couldn't decide if Kendall liked him back or not. Shit, Kendall Knight was the guy all the girls wanted, and he spent some time with all of them, so obviously he couldn't be gay, right? He wouldn't want to be with little dinky old Hortense Mitchell, would he?_

_But Kendall had always showed Logan a side of him that he'd never shown anyone else ever before, and that had always been the thing that made their friendship different. And why was Kendall always so willing to be so open and honest with Logan? Was it love?_

_Logan didn't know. He just did not know._

_As they brought their stuff into the modest little home, Kendall tried to block out thoughts of his Nana and the love with which she'd managed to fill every square inch of the house. Damn, he missed her._

_But he was growing up now. He was older now. He had to think like a man and act like a man and be a man. He had to be a normal man. This was the very place where he'd been told what a man was and what a man wasn't. A man didn't talk about his feelings. A man wasn't a fag. A man was normal._

_A man kept his own personal truths to himself._

_He didn't know why he'd asked Logan to come along for this weekend. He could have used the time alone to think, but at the same time...the thought of being alone...it killed him. Especially in this place, where he knew his grandmother's ghost would be around him at all times. He needed someone there with him...someone who could comfort him. He needed someone who could understand his feelings and make it better without him ever having to open his mouth or say a word._

_You could have asked any-fucking-body else, he told himself as they continued to unpack. He watched Logan struggle with an especially heavy backpack. He probably should have helped him, but damn it, he didn't want to. He didn't want this kid here with him this weekend._

_I should have asked Amy...or Ashley...or Courtney or Becky or Tiffany or Jessica or Lacey or Amber or Sierra or Alexis or Lauren or...any one of those chicks. And I could have fucked her all weekend long._

_But nope. He asked Logan. He asked that damn Logan. Because, at the end of the day, he was the only one. The only one who could understand Kendall, the only one who could read Kendall, the only one who knew exactly what Kendall needed._

_And I hate him for it, Kendall thought to himself._

_He hated the fact that Logan made him not normal. He hated the fact that Logan made him have "faggy" thoughts. He hated the fact that sometimes, when the air was cold and the moon was full and world was dark and lonely...what he wanted more than anything else in the entire world was to hear Logan's voice, listen as Logan tried to explain to him that there was no such thing as "cold," only an "absence of heat." Kendall wanted Logan to be his heat._

_He'd thought about forcing himself on Logan. He'd always promised himself that if he ever got to that point where he wanted to have sex with him, he'd make it as unpleasant as possible for the both of them. He'd throw Logan around, maybe punch him a couple of times, make him realize that it was his own damn fault for making Kendall love him so much. He'd hit him, and then he'd throw him down and just use him hard and long and in the most violent of ways, hopefully making him bleed and definitely making him cry. And then, when it would all be said and done, he'd kick him in the stomach and watch him sob like the little fag-bitch he was. And then he'd just leave him there to soak in his own misery._

_I could never do that to him, Kendall thought to himself. I could never...I could never...I'd rather die first..._

_Kendall had put away enough of his resentment for the two guys to have a somewhat pleasant afternoon. They fished and talked about friends and enemies from school. They brought the fish in and cooked it, and then Kendall played his GameBoy as Logan read one of his books. It was getting frosty, and so they lit a nice fire in the fireplace._

_Kendall couldn't help but feel himself getting more and more at ease. He knew his grandmother wasn't there, but it still felt sometimes like she'd just come right on in and offer them both some milk and cookies. But then when he'd get hit with the realization that she would never do that ever again, he'd just look at Logan...who was always there...who would never leave him...who would never change...who would always be there for him. And he'd feel better._

_Logan kept his ears pricked up and his eyes opened as far as Kendall was concerned. It was almost like being with someone on suicide watch. He knew that Kendall had been extremely close to his grandmother, and he knew that at any moment, he could snap and lose it. And Logan was going to be there for him._

_Night fell, and it was soon time for bed. Maybe, once upon a time, they'd have stayed up all night long to see who would fall asleep first. Maybe they would have told ghost stories (but definitely not under these circumstances). Maybe they would have sang all night long. Maybe they would have made prank calls. Maybe they would have done something - anything - that resembled what a normal pair of best guy friends would do. But tonight, they both just wanted sleep. It had been a long drive, a boring afternoon, and a cold evening._

_"I guess we can take the two guest rooms," Kendall suggested after they both finished their baths. "Which one do you want?"_

_Logan didn't have a ready answer. It had been a while since he'd visited the house, and he really had no preference._

_"It doesn't matter to me."_

_"All right," Kendall replied, somewhat annoyed. He wanted Logan to suggest that they just share one bed. That way, Logan could continue being the fag, and Kendall's acceptance of Logan's suggestion would just be him being a "good friend."_

_"I'll take the one on the left, and you can take the one on the right."_

_As they settled down into their respective beds in their respective rooms, each guy took with him secret feelings that he knew he should have been able to share with the other but was too afraid to even think about._

_Logan was scared of what he was turning into and who he was becoming. He wanted to be Kendall Knight's best friend forever, but these feelings that he was starting to accept...these gay feelings, these feelings of love, and sometimes lust...could he be Kendall's friend if he was having those types of thoughts? Was he Kendalll's friend because he wanted to be Kendall's friend or was he Kendall's friend because he had some kind of secret perverted fantasy going on in his head? He knew he was here because he wanted to be some kind of emotional support for Kendall as he dealt, once and for all, with his grandmother's death, but at the same time...Logan knew a part of him wanted to be here with Kendall because maybe something would happen...something that would let him know whether or not Sean Knight had been right about the both of them. Were they not normal? Were they both not normal?_

_And across the hall, Kendall was having his own convulsive thoughts._

_He knew he'd once wanted to kiss Logan. He'd once wanted to hold Logan and hug him and kiss him and make him smile and make him sigh. He'd once wanted to take Logan in ways that he didn't know one boy could take another boy, and he'd once wanted to make Logan feel his love. But that wasn't normal...that was just not normal. And Kendall couldn't let his father be right about him. Nope. Couldn't let that bastard win._

_And Logan understood that, right? Logan understood why Kendall couldn't throw everything out the window and just give into everything he felt, right? Surely, Logan could understand and accept that nothing could ever happen between them._

_But you have to show him that you do care, Kendall told himself as he tossed and turned in bed. You have to show him that you do love him._

_As that urgent voice kept telling him that he had to give Logan some kind of sign, some kind of sign to let him know that he wasn't going crazy...Kendall could hear the voice loud and clear, but it wasn't his. Not completely. No, some of that voice...it was his grandmother's. It was her telling him as he slept that he needed to do something. It was her who wanted him to go and show Logan that what they had was special, even if he couldn't go all the way with it._

_Get up, Kendall, she told him. Go, Kendall...love him, Kendall...love him until you're ready to love him completely..._

_And before Kendall knew it, he was on his feet. Was he sleepwalking? Dreaming? No, it was real, and he knew what he was doing. He wasn't ready to own everything he felt for Logan just yet, but he had to have him in some kind of way...he had to at least be next to him through this cold night._

_He slowly pushed open the door to Logan's room. It felt so much like it had felt when he'd first made Logan "move over" for him when they were eleven. He trusted Logan. He knew Logan would never tell. He knew Logan wouldn't get carried away, either. He knew Logan would let him call the shots in this whole thing. He'd sleep next to Logan tonight, and that would be the end of it. In the morning, they wouldn't talk about it, but they'd both be comfortable and satisfied with knowing that it had happened._

_I hope it's enough for him, Kendall thought to himself as he inched closer to the bed._

_He looked down at Logan. An angel, of course. A beautiful, earnest, innocent angel._

_I love him so much, Nana, Kendall tried to telegraph to the spirit world. I love him so much, and I want him so bad...I want to just take him right here in this room, in this house..._

_He could feel a cool wind blow against him as it came in through the window. Was it a sign? Was it some kind of prodding from Nana? Was it her way of letting him know that it would be okay for him to sleep next to Logan?_

_He pulled the covers back on the vacant side of the bed, and Logan began to stir._

_"Shh," Kendall soothed. "Shh."_

_He already had his "It's too cold to sleep alone" excuse ready in his back pocket. But maybe he'd be risky and not use it. Maybe he'd just let Logan's mind think what it wanted to think. Maybe he'd just let Logan's hands do what they wanted to do. Maybe he'd let his own hands do what they wanted to do._

_There would be no coming back from that, though._

_Kendall eased into the bed. Logan turned to face him, but he remained asleep, the light, adorable sound of his snoring never skipping a beat._

_I'm gonna lie here, and if he touches me, I won't move, Kendall promised. I won't move...I won't move..._

_He hoped Logan wouldn't go too far, but he also hoped that Logan would go way too far. It was like pulling off a bandage. The first few seconds were going to hurt, but in the end, it'd all feel like paradise. Dealing with being gay and not "normal" would hurt like hell at first, but after that? When it would just be him and Logan together? It'd be amazing._

_Logan rolled over, and he unconsciously laid his arm on Kendall's chest, murmuring something incoherent. Kendall was shaking, and he even began to sweat a bit in the cold, cold air of the room. Boy, if his father could see him then..._

_He carefully held Logan's arm as he shifted his own body to his side and faced away from Logan. He let the arm fall on his side, and he tucked himself in the warm pocket of space between the two of them._

_And as Kendall fell into his slumber, he thanked his Nana for being his guardian angel, for always steering him in the right direction. What he didn't know, though, was that she wasn't the only angel in his life. The other angel...the other angel was the one who knew what Kendall wanted and needed, even when Kendall never said a single word. The other angel was the one who knew how to comfort him and make him feel better._

_The other angel was Logan._

_He wasn't stupid. He could feel the warm body that his arms were wrapped around. He could make out the shape of the hair. He knew that Kendall was here, with him, like he had been the first time they'd ever shared this room. He knew, also, that Kendall needed love. Kendall needed comfort. He knew that Kendall was dealing with loss and change, and he knew that Kendall didn't like loss and change._

_I'm gonna be...whatever he wants me to be...always...never leave him...never change...always be here...never leave... It was all Logan could say to himself as he wandered in and out of sleep, his grip on Kendall tightening. At the time, it wasn't about him holding on to the boy he loved. It wasn't about him being an inch away from making love to the only person his young body ever wanted to make love to. No. It was about giving comfort to his best friend. It was about keeping the promise he'd made to Kendall. It was about love._

_And they slept. Logan's arms remained around Kendall all through the night. Every time Kendall stirred in his sleep, Logan's arms stirred with him. Every time Logan tried to roll over onto his other side, Kendall tugged for him to stay put._

_They slept peacefully._

_The next morning, Kendall woke up first and immediately went for a walk. Okay. The duty was done. It was done. He'd done all he was going to do to let Logan know that he wasn't crazy, that his feelings weren't unrequited, that they were on the same page. And now it was done, and now they could move on and try to get pass the entire thing. They could grow up and be normal now._

_God, I hope we're on the same page, Kendall thought as he ventured into the woods._

_But as Logan slowly opened his eyes in the bed they'd shared the night in...he wondered what the hell had happened. Had it been real? It had to had been real. Kendall's side of the bed was a tousled mess, and Logan's arms were stiff from being stretched out all night. But where was Kendall now?_

_He left, you idiot, he told himself. He left you here all alone because you got freaky with him. He's here in his dead grandmother's house, and you were trying to creep on him!_

_But no! That wasn't it! That wasn't what Logan had been trying to do! He was simply trying to be a friend! He just wanted to comfort Kendall!_

_By hugging up on him all through the night?_

_But that was how their friendship worked, wasn't it? That was something they could do and not find weird, right? That was what made them special, right?_

_Obviously not...not if Kendall had cut and run on him._

_He brushed his teeth and got ready for the day. He figured Kendall would be back sooner or later. He wouldn't just abandon him. But there'd be a space. Logan would be sure of it. He wouldn't want to creep Kendall out any further, and he certainly didn't want to make the ghost of Kendall's grandmother any angrier than she already was._

_Kendall did return, and neither one of them talked about the night before. Of course, like Kendall had planned, they both thought about it over and over again, but they didn't say anything about it. And on Saturday night, Kendall lay in his own bed, wondering if he could get away with it again, wondering if he could slip into Logan's bed again and have Logan's arms around him again and have Logan's love around again and not have to face the consequences in the morning. No...too risky. Much too risky. He knew he was strong enough to leave it in that bed, but he wasn't sure about Logan. Logan probably wouldn't have the capacity to separate their friendship from their secret feelings._

_Before they left, they posed for a quick picture in front of the house. Forced smiles, but they weren't too insincere. They were just happier than the boys who wore them. Though nothing at all was said - at all - about the night they slept together, it was evident to both boys that they'd reached a new level in their friendship. This new level meant new responsibilities. This new level meant new challenges._

_For Logan, the responsibility was in not letting himself get carried away with Kendall. He had to keep himself focused and know that his feelings for Kendall wouldn't last forever. He'd outgrow them. It wouldn't be worth it to talk about them, because sooner or later, they'd be long gone. The challenge was in making himself believe that those feelings would indeed disappear one day._

_For Kendall, the responsibility was in not indulging himself in what he felt for Logan. He knew that if he kept doing little things that put him closer and closer to putting the truth out in the open, it'd be that much harder to turn around and ignore it. The challenge was in keeping Logan close to him without having to own up to his feelings._

_New responsibilities and new challenges. For the both of them._

Logan picked the memory book up from the floor, dusted it off, and put it back on his shelf. He tried not to look at Kendall, but it was hard to avoid him as he sat on the bed and didn't move.

"Logan," Kendall whispered.

"Kendall, please go to bed," Logan pleaded, his eyes closed.

"Logan, listen to me."

"I can't."

Kendall knew that he'd set it up in his mind that he would wait and plan this out and make it perfect. He'd think of when and where and how he'd tell Logan that they could be together. But now...it seemed like there was no better time or place.

"Logan, I'm ready," he said quietly, taking Logan's hand. "I'm ready."

Logan pulled his hand away from Kendall's. No...he wasn't going to let it be like this. He didn't NEED any more of Kendall Knight's declarations of friendship. He didn't NEED any more of Kendall's apologies. He didn't need any of it.

"What are you ready for, huh, Kendall?" he asked, still trying to look away.

Kendall looked down, ready to finally say it. "Us. I'm ready for us."

Maybe if Logan hadn't been so dead set on finally moving on from his feelings for Kendall, he would have allowed himself to listen to what was being said, but he couldn't. He couldn't let himself believe that the "us" Kendall was referring to was the two of them together, as a couple, in love. No. Logan knew what Kendall meant. "Us." The friends. The bro's. The buddies. The pals. Kendall and his dorky little friend Hortense. This was how it would always go. Kendall would neglect Logan for the sake of keeping Jo, and then Kendall would move heaven and earth to make it up to him. And this was more of the same.

But it wasn't. And it was a damn shame that Logan had been scarred so much, over and over again, that he couldn't see what was right in front of him.

"Go to bed, Kendall," Logan said, fighting back the tears. "Jo's plane comes in tomorrow, and you have to be at LAX to meet her."

Kendall tried to catch Logan's eyes, tried to be as sincere as humanly possible, and he had to fight back his own tears, but he did it. He got up, and he walked back to his side of the room. Logan was always surprising him. Always. He didn't know that Logan could be so strong. He didn't know that Logan had it in him to turn away this very real chance at true happiness. And all in the name of what?

Being normal?

But Kendall had given up on that, hadn't he? After Guitar Dude's song, after the beach, after Katie's latest pep talk...hadn't that all been enough to make him see sense and just do what he had to do?

But Logan's words. "Go to bed, Kendall. Jo's plane...you have to meet her." And it pained Kendall to realize it...Logan wanted him to be happy. Logan wanted him to be extremely happy. And Logan wanted him to be normal.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> I do have a ton of things to say! This chapter, believe it or not, took me a relatively short time to write (actually, I wrote most of it - from about Jo's phone call through the end - today), but it took me forever to start it because I had a crapload of school work fall on me all at once. But anyway, it's posted, and it's here! That magical time between semesters when there's virtually nothing at all for me to do is upon us, and I can't wait to spend lots of time getting wrapped up in these characters again! Next semester is gonna be very busy, so I don't know how often I'll be able to update come January-February, but hopefully it won't be ridiculous month-long waits. I'm so excited to write the next few chapters! No matter how long a wait there may be between two chapters, please know that I have NO intentions of dropping this story AT ALL. You guys still read and comment no matter what, and I'll never just leave yall hanging! And once this one is over, it'll be on to #2 (whenever I decide what #2 will be - check my profile for some ideas I'm kicking around).

Some random notes. Listen to "Cover Girl" on _Elevate_. If you want to understand why Kendall is with Jo beyond the "normal" angle, there's your explanation. Also, glasses-wearing baby Logan in the US flag shirt from "Big Time Interview" is EXACTLY how I picture little old dinky old dorky old Hortense in the childhood flashbacks of this story!


	19. Wrong

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Yay, a new chapter in less than a week! Told yall that I'd have more time to write. This one is very much so on the short side, but it's only because I kinda decided to add these two scenes in after finishing Chapter 18. I felt they were necessary to explain some characters' mindsets. Thanks for reading and reviewing and keeping up with this story after all this time! You guys rock and I love you all!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER NINETEEN<strong>

Kendall woke up the following morning and glanced across the room at Logan, who was still asleep. He could have been in that bed with him at that very moment...he could have been nestled in his arms, feeling his warmth, and holding tightly onto him. They could have literally gone back to that night from a few years earlier, but this time, instead of pretending it never happened, they would have embraced it...they would have embraced each other...and it would have been a new beginning for them both.

He shook his head. What had he done wrong? Hadn't he told Logan plainly enough that he was ready? Hadn't he said all that was necessary? He was ready. He was ready!

He got up and started to get dressed. Logan had been right. Jo's plane would be coming in...and Kendall had to be there to meet her.

He couldn't help but think, though. Maybe he'd been wrong the entire time. Maybe he'd been wrong about Logan, and maybe he'd been wrong about himself. He'd always taken comfort in knowing that he was the "strong" one and Logan was the "weak" one. It had always been easier for him. It put him in complete and total control of the situation. If he wanted to feel close to Logan, then fine...they'd go to the beach, they'd go to a movie, they'd just sit and talk in their room. Logan would comply with no problem. And if Kendall ever felt like they were getting too close? Then he'd focus his attention squarely on Jo. He'd always know that Logan would be hurt by the sudden abandonment, but he'd also know that whenever he was ready to get their close friendship started again, Logan would be right there.

And he'd also known, for sure, that any time he was ready to stop playing games and stop being scared and show Logan how he really felt...Logan would fall into his arms and they'd begin their long journey together.

But that had not been the case, and it could only mean that Logan was stronger than Kendall. While Kendall couldn't take it anymore and was ready to succumb to the passion, it was Logan who'd kept firm. It was Logan who'd kept their mutual goal - "normal" - in focus. It was Logan who'd taken control of the situation, and it was Logan who'd been the rejector.

And if Logan could be strong, then Kendall knew he could be strong, too. He'd wavered a little...he'd gotten close to giving up...he'd let his sister get to him, he'd let that damn Guitar Dude get to him, he'd let his memories get to him, and most of all, he'd let Logan get to him...but that was okay. If Logan could be strong, so could Kendall, and Kendall's competitive nature made him want to be the strongest of them all.

My girlfriend's coming home today, he told himself as he brushed his teeth. And I'm gonna spend as much time as I possibly can with her.

And as he put on his shoes, gathered up his phone and keys, and left, he cast not one glance in Logan's direction...not a single stare.

As soon as the door closed, Logan opened his eyes. He'd been awake ever since he heard the sound of the faucet coming from the bathroom.

He's going to go meet her, he'd told himself when he realized it was Kendall brushing his teeth. He's going to go meet her, and he'll probably be with her all day.

But wasn't that what he'd wanted? Wasn't that what he'd told Kendall to do?

It was, but that didn't meant it didn't hurt.

He was proud of himself, though. He'd fought it! He'd fought it! Kendall had wanted to have some kind of intimate late night chat with him...the kind of chat they'd always had...the kind that would always end with Kendall going to his warm bed and Logan getting into his own cold one. That was how it had always happened, and Logan had been able to fight it this time! And so yes, he was proud.

"Ready."

Kendall had said that he was "ready." Ready to take advantage of Logan's friendship again? Ready to take Logan for granted again? Ready to be a best friend again until it was time to cast Logan aside for Jo...again? Well, Logan was "ready," too, and he was ready to move on. He was ready to get over Kendall, and he was ready to make the changes he needed to make.

He hated that this whole thing was making him view his best friend in such a negative light, though. He didn't want to hate Kendall. Again, he reminded himself that it wasn't Kendall's fault that he was in this predicament. Sure, Kendall had done all the right things and said all the right words throughout their friendship to make Logan love him...but all Kendall had ever wanted to be was a good, old-fashioned, true-blue friend. It was Logan's own fault that he couldn't let go.

But that's all right, he thought to himself. That's all right. Soon, it won't even matter.

He thought about Jo. She'd be back in town at any minute. What would she do...what would she say? She'd told him that it was going to be "all right," but what did she mean by that? Logan had always been a little afraid of her. There was something cold about her at times...something very cold and calculated, almost fabricated, to the point where it would seem like she wasn't even human. But then there were times, fleeting moments, where he could see why Kendall liked her...he could see that she had a heart, that she could be nice, that she could be a cool girl. But now that he'd given her reason to want to destroy him, he couldn't help but wonder what she'd had in mind when she'd reassured him that things would be "all right."

That's tomorrow, he told himself calmly. That's tomorrow. Today...I don't even think about it. Him or her. I don't even care.

He lifted himself out of his bed and began to get dressed for a long day of clubbing - math clubbing, book clubbing, and science clubbing.

* * *

><p>James and Carlos watched silently as Kendall dashed out of the apartment and then Logan dashed out minutes later.<p>

Carlos knew what James was thinking, and he wished he'd just open his mouth and say something already. He certainly didn't want to be the one to bring it up, and besides, he felt they'd already established that James would do the dirty work - the snooping, the conjecturing - and he'd just pretend to not be interested. But damn it, he was interested, especially after what he'd heard the night before.

Carlos had been having a sore throat, and so he'd gone to his and James's bathroom for some throat spray. While there, though, he couldn't help but hear Logan and Kendall having some kind of argument. Kendall kept saying that he wanted to "see it now," while Logan kept saying that he could "see it in the morning." Carlos had sprayed not even half a pump of the throat spray down his mouth before he quickly put it back in the medicine cabinet and got back into bed. What was "it?" Well, he wasn't stupid. He figured he knew what "it" was. He had an "it." James had an "it." Kendall had an "it." And Logan had an "it," and apparently Kendall wanted to see "it." He probably wanted to touch "it," too. And...he probably wanted to do other things with "it." But Logan didn't want him to...hmm...

But, again, Carlos wasn't going to bring that up. No, siree. That was James's job, and Carlos just hoped that somehow James had heard that conversation, too. The Palm Woods walls were thin, so it was possible. And if not that, then James had definitely been witness to the somewhat standoffish ways Kendall and Logan had both separately left the apartment. He'd say something about that, right?

"I'm starting to think I've been wrong," James finally said. He and Carlos were at the counter having breakfast burritos and orange juice.

Carlos nodded, relieved to finally hear James say something, but then...

"Wait, what?"

"You were right, I was wrong," James repeated, knowing that it wasn't a common occurrence to hear such words come from his mouth.

"No!" Carlos protested. "No! YOU were right, and I was wrong!"

"Ah, I see," James smiled, raising an eyebrow, "and here I thought you were Mr. 'We Can't Talk About Our Friends Behind Their Backs.' I thought you wanted to forget about the whole thing!"

"Ugh!" Carlos let out, taking an angry bite from his burrito.

"It's okay," James said. "I'm glad you're starting to see common sense. Maybe one day we'll get rid of the helmet."

"Never!"

James ignored this and took a sophisticated sip from his juice. "From the way they both left out of here - separately, I might add - I would guess that they've had some kind of fight. It would definitely explain why they haven't been their usual bromantic selves this past week."

Say it, Carlos's conscience was telling him. Tell him what you heard last night!

"I wonder if Jo coming back today has anything to do with it," James continued. "It seems like every time Kendall and Logan get distant with each other, she has something to do with it."

Carlos slipped off his stool and paced around the room.

"Maybe you were right...about me being right. And I was wrong...about you being wrong," he said, grabbing on to his helmet. "Maybe we've both been wrong this whole time, and nothing is going on!"

"Oh, no you don't!" James replied. "You know that you're just as curious as I am, and this whole thing is frustrating you just as much as it's frustrating me."

"Well then what are we going to do about it? You keep bringing up these things you suspect, I keep hearing things I don't want to hear, and -"

"Wait, what?"

"What?"

"You said you keep 'hearing things.' What did you hear?"

Carlos sighed. Might as well. He leaned into James and whispered.

"Last night...when I was spraying my throat, I heard them talking...like...not yelling, but they weren't exactly whispering either, so I was NOT eavesdropping!"

"What were they talking about?" James asked, annoyed at Carlos's holier-than-thou attitude.

"I don't know..." He really didn't want to say it. It just felt wrong...it felt dirty. "I don't know, it was just...ugh...I think Kendall wanted something...if you know what I mean."

James was confused. "Wanted something? What did he want?"

"Something!" Carlos repeated. "Something...you know...something. A little 'something-something.'"

"Oh!" James said, finally understanding. "But wait...why would they be arguing over that?"

"Logan didn't want to!"

"Hmm..."

Now it was James's turn to get up and pace. So many things were flying at him at once, and he barely had the time to stop and process them. What could all of these things mean? Kendall wanted sex, but Logan didn't. They were clearly not on the very best of terms this morning, and Kendall was presumably on his way to meet his girlfriend at the airport. It was like a gigantic puzzle with too many missing pieces.

And, unbeknownst to James and Carlos, some of the pieces they'd already placed were definitely not placed correctly.

But there was someone who had all of the answers - well, most of them - who could set them both straight.

"What are you two morons talking about?" Katie asked when she came in. She went straight for the coffee and the stock market section of the newspaper. It was her usual morning routine.

"Uh...uh...nothing?" Carlos quickly responded. James rolled his eyes, knowing that Carlos was not at all good with being subtle and chill.

"We're talking about this movie that's coming out," James said to Katie as they joined her at the counter.

Katie sipped her coffee and checked her stocks while the boys finished their burritos. Suddenly, though, an idea came across James. A brilliant idea, actually, but he wanted to make sure he and Carlos were thinking the same thing. He looked over Katie's head at his friend and was pleasantly surprised to find Carlos looking back at him. Together, they focused their eyes on the girl between them. They looked back to each other and nodded.

It made sense, right? She would know something, right? If anyone in that apartment would know anything about Logan and Kendall's secrets, it would be Katie. She knew everything. But how in the world were they going to bring it up?

As always, James took the initiative.

"So, Katie," he began, searching for just the right "in." "Logan and Kendall must have had some kind of falling out, huh?" He wanted to be gentle and slow with it. Katie Knight was a crafty little girl. She could see through any and all BS, and James was a BS machine. But if he was careful about this, he could get her to spill all that she knew without having to divulge what had been wracking his and Carlos's brains for the last two weeks.

"Don't know, don't care," Katie replied insensitively.

James was taken aback, but he should not have been surprised. He looked at Carlos, who gave him a motivational nod to keep trying.

"Aheheh," he nervously chuckled. "It's your brother and his best friend, though. Shouldn't you care?"

Katie put down her newspaper and narrowed her eyes at him. "Both of them are YOUR best friends, and plus, the two of you spend way more time with them than I do, so wouldn't you know more than me what's going on?"

Touche, James thought, and as he looked over at Carlos, he could see that he agreed. But still, they had to keep at it.

"Yeah, but you're his little sister," Carlos said, taking the reins from James and slipping an arm around Katie's small shoulders. "He tells you everything, doesn't he? When Kendall's having a problem, who does he always run to first? His baby sister, that's who!"

"Well, it's not like he has any friends who are smart enough to solve his problems for him," Katie retorted. She eyed them both carefully and it became clear that these two were up to something. She wasn't completely sure yet, but she knew they weren't too hard to figure out.

"Yes, well," said James, ignoring her insult, "you would know if something's bothering Kendall now, right? Like...if he's having issues right now...issues with Logan...you would know about them, right?"

She nodded. But then she froze. And a peculiar look came across her face, and then she understood it all.

These fuckers know, she realized. They know Kendall's secret! Well...glad I'm not the only one anymore.

She was going to play her cards carefully, though. There was no need to just come right out and ask them if they knew that Kendall was deeply in love with Logan but was scared of saying so. If by chance they didn't know this already, she didn't want them to hear it from her. But it was so obvious that James and Carlos knew what was going on. Why else would they be grinning in her face and asking her cryptic questions? They weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer, but it wasn't like Kendall was great at masking his Logan love. It would only be a matter of time before everyone was suspecting something, if they didn't already. And clearly, Carlos and James were already there.

"What are you trying to ask me?" she finally asked, looking from one to the another and back again.

James and Carlos met eyes, but neither one seemed prepared to answer her.

"You tell her," James instructed Carlos, but Carlos went right to shaking his head.

"No, no, no! This is your thing, remember? I don't have anything to do with it anymore, I'm out of it!" Carlos responded, leaving the counter and going to sit on the couch.

"Out of it?" James asked indignantly. "You're the one who was eavesdropping on their sex conversation last night!"

"Wait, what?" Katie asked, slipping off her stool.

The room got silent as all three faces had question marks on them. Katie raised her eyebrows just a little higher to emphasize the fact that she wanted some answers.

Once again, James took the initiative. "We think that something's going on between Logan and Kendall. Like...something. Like...they're together."

"What? No!" Katie replied, shaking her head. "Unless something's happened in the last twenty-four hours, they are not together."

"But you know what we're talking about!" Carlos chimed in, noticing that Katie was more taken aback by the thought of Kendall and Logan actually being together than by the mere idea of it.

Katie sighed. She hated being the mature one sometimes.

"Both of you...just sit. And no talking until I'm finished, okay?" They did as they were told, and she put her hands on her hips like a principal disciplining two unruly students. "Logan and Kendall are not and have never ever been together. Ever. Okay? Ever."

"But-"

"Shush!" she interjected. "Kendall has a lot of stuff that he needs to work out, and I'm pretty sure Logan does, too. What they both need is time and space. What they DON'T need is two friends sneaking around behind their backs."

Carlos merrily poked his tongue out at James. "See! I told you!"

"They don't need people eavesdropping on them, either!" Katie shot at Carlos, who was properly put in his place. "I don't know what you heard, but I'm pretty sure you misunderstood. Like always."

James quickly stuck his tongue out at Carlos.

"Now, if you two have any more questions, don't ask me," Katie said, going back to her paper. "Grow some balls and ask them. They're YOUR friends, remember?"

Once again, the room was silent.

Carlos was glad. He didn't know what was "really" going on, and he didn't care. He loved Logan and Kendall, he didn't want to hurt them in any way, and if they were together, he was extremely happy for them. If they weren't together, then he felt like shit for ever thinking they were, but he'd get over it. Part of him, though, knew deep down what he really wanted for them.

But it was over. For him, anyway. "Good," he said as he got up from the couch. "Now that that's over, I'm going to go take a shower, since someone decided to use all of the hot water last night..."

As Carlos disappeared down the hall, James let the new revelations sink in. Kendall and Logan had "stuff" that they needed to work out. What "stuff?"

Love stuff, you idiot, he told himself. And it's none of your business. It's nobody's business but their own.

Of course, he wasn't surprised that Katie would know. There were few things she didn't know. He was equally as unsurprised by the fact that she'd laid out the facts and that was it. She was very loyal to her brother, and James knew that she'd never do or say anything to hurt him. She wouldn't do or say anything to hurt any of them, actually, and that made her the best little sister in the world.

And so he was going to let it end like that. For now, at least. Katie could sip her coffee and read the paper, and Carlos could go and take his shower. James could turn on the TV and get wrapped up in a reality show. But them ignoring it wouldn't change anything, and sooner or later, whatever it was that Kendall and Logan had to "work out" would end up being the talk of the Palm Woods.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Chapter 20 should be up very soon!


	20. Path of Destruction

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All right, guys, this one took a little while because I got extremely busy dealing with life stuff. Sorry :( First and foremost, thank you all for your comments and reviews! I was glad to finally see some critical stuff! I'm taking everything into consideration, and it really made me think about where the story's going, and I'm happy to tell yall that Chapter 22 and Chapter 23 will be "the" chapters where everything is revealed! I hope that's not too spoilery lol Anyway, though, here is Chapter 20 :)

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><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY<strong>

For the second day in a row, Logan found himself lying still in bed, pretending to be asleep, as he listened to Kendall shower and freshen himself up for the day ahead.

It was Monday morning, and the two had barely spoken at all since Saturday night. On Sunday, Kendall had gone to meet Jo at the airport, and then they had spent the whole day together. Mostly shopping, a few hours at the beach, and then an evening alone at Jo's place. Kendall had made it a point to not even darken the door of Apartment 2J until he was convinced Logan was fast asleep, and sure enough, when he finally had returned home, his best friend/roommate/lover/enemy/whatever was knocked out. Logan had spent all of Sunday exercising his brain and renewing his intelligence. All of the teenage drama and romantic trauma had taken a toll on his very being, and so getting out and being nerdy had served him well. And when his eyes had gotten heavier that night, and it seemed like Kendall would not be coming home any time soon, he'd simply turned off the light and went to sleep. What else was he supposed to do? He'd told Kendall himself to spend time with Jo, and now Kendall was spending time with Jo. This should have taken some of the pressure off of poor Logan, but it didn't, and even in his sleep, he couldn't stop thinking about Kendall.

It was fabulous.

It was horrible.

But it didn't matter, because he'd be gone soon anyway.

Monday, though, he could at least get some kind of consolation from the fact that Kendall wouldn't be spending the morning with Jo. No, he knew for a fact that it was time for one of Kendall and Katie's twice-a-year dental appointments, and so all three Knights would be sitting in a waiting room for God-knows-how-long.

As Logan got up and began to mill around, though, he remembered that he had two important appointments of his own today. He was looking forward to one of them. Dr. Riley was back in town! Damn, it felt like forever since he'd seen him, and so much crap...so much drama...so much bullshit had happened ever since his last session. Logan didn't even know if he'd feel comfortable enough with the doctor to tell him everything. It had been so long, and the doctor would have felt like a stranger all over again. But Logan knew he needed to be open and honest. At this point, Dr. Riley was the only one he could talk to.

Well, except for, of course, Jo, who was his other "appointment." He brushed his teeth and thought about when she would corner him and demand answers from him. But then he remembered...she'd told him more than once that things would be "okay." So maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

He got dressed and grabbed a book on his way out. Without even stopping for any kind of breakfast, he headed out the door, his mind set on a leisurely reading session by the pool. Carlos, who'd been sitting on the couch watching a movie, didn't even let his mind consider the option of asking Logan about what was going on with him and Kendall. Nope. Katie could call him a wuss or a weakling or whatever she wanted to call him. He'd promised himself he was going to stay out of it, and that was what he was going to do. Even if the curiosity was beginning to kill him.

* * *

><p>This was beginning to feel like deja vu for Jo. Everything that was happening, and everything that was going to happen, had already happened before, and last time, it all ended with her being drained off all of her tears and then cutting herself to get rid of her own blood. But this time it would be different. She was standing in the shadows of the Palm Woods courtyard, spying on Logan as he found a comfortable seat by the pool and began to read. She was eager to get to him and talk to him, but at the same time, she was scared. She knew, though, that if she didn't talk to him today, everything would just build and build inside her until it exploded in some embarrassing way that wouldn't have been good for anyone.<p>

And so, within a matter of seconds, Jo Taylor slipped into her character, slipped into the role of the strong, fearless young woman who was always a step ahead of everyone else and who always got what she wanted. She stepped out of the shadows and approached Logan, who'd barely gotten past the first chapter of his book.

"Logan," she said, standing to the side of his chair.

Logan's stomach immediately fell upon hearing her voice, but he knew he had to stay centered and calm. This was going to be for the greater good. Only for the greatest good. In order for things to get better for him, he'd have to face Jo sooner or later.

"Jo," he responded, his voice devoid of all strength. "Hey."

Their eyes met, and for the first time, both could really, truly see just how terrified the other was. It was suddenly clear that no one here had the upper hand, that neither one of them felt the tiniest bit of security about this whole entire thing.

"Um..." Jo stumbled, letting her carefully-built facade crack. "We can talk upstairs."

Logan just nodded and closed his book. He rose from his seat, and they walked wordlessly into the building and into the elevator, remaining silent all the way up until they got to Jo's apartment. Logan was feeling confident, but as soon as Jo opened the door, he was shaken up a little. The last time he'd been in the Taylor apartment, he'd made her cry her eyes out...he'd begun to cry his own eyes out...it had been a miserable hell of a revelation.

You're here to make it right, though, he told himself as Jo grabbed some water bottles from the refrigerator. You want to make it right for her and for Kendall and for yourself and for everybody.

But they were both scared, and so they sat quietly. The sound of the clock ticking away the seconds reverberated through the room, and they were both very content at pretending like guzzling down the water was the single most important thing in the world at that very moment. Naturally, though, it was Jo who mustered up the courage to speak first.

"So, Kendall's at the dentist, huh?" she asked, tightly screwing the cap back onto her water.

"Uh...yeah," Logan answered, making sure to leave his water opened so that he could quickly get a sip whenever his heartbeat got too rough.

"He has perfect teeth," Jo said absently.

"Yeah," Logan agreed, but then he caught himself. "I mean...I don't know...maybe...I don't look at him that often..." He grabbed his water and took a big gulp from it. Jo was reaching for her own when Logan spoke again.

"Jo, I don't want to cause any trouble," he said, nervously clutching his bottle. "I don't want this to be bad...for anyone."

She nodded.

"And what would be bad?" she asked, hoping that they were on the same page. It would be much easier if they were.

"I don't know..." Logan let out, finally feeling safe enough without having the bottle in his hand. "I just don't want it to be something where...what you and Kendall have is ruined because of me. I don't want to be the reason why he's unhappy."

Jo nodded again, this time very diplomatically. "I can understand that."

And then Logan nodded, and Jo nodded, and they both went for the water bottles.

"What are you going to do about it, then?" she asked. Her strength was returning, as was her confidence. She could see that Logan was nothing for her to worry about.

"I don't know," Logan said again. It was his immediate go-to answer for questions he couldn't face. "I've been trying to get over him," he said. "I figure if I can just stop lov-...liking him, then maybe it'll all go away, and it won't be a problem anymore, and-"

"Just stop liking him?" Jo asked, a little confused by the concept. "You mean...just stop? Like, out of the blue?"

"Yeah," Logan replied. It had never sounded as ridiculous as it did when Jo said it. "I mean, that was why I went on that date with your friend Michelle, and it's why I've joined like a hundred clubs. I'm trying to get him out of my system."

Jo began to think about this. If Logan thought that "getting over Kendall" was as easy as going on dates with other people and filling his time with other activities, then maybe she'd been blowing the entire thing out of proportion all along. Maybe the years-long love that she'd always thought Logan had for Kendall was nothing more than a simple little crush, easily squashed by her own fingers.

"Do you really think that it's as easy as that?" she asked him, careful not to get her hopes up.

"Well...uh..." He knew he probably should have said something about his thoughts of going back to Minnesota, but he vaguely felt as if he was under attack, as if she was very subtly teasing him for thinking it could be so easy. "I think if I concentrate and work hard on it, it'll work," he said defensively. "It worked when Camille was here."

Jo nodded, and they went for their water.

"Jo, I'm sorry about what I said," Logan quickly blurted, as if it was a password saving him from imminent death. "The last time I was here, I mean. You're not a horrible girlfriend, and Kendall loves you, and -"

"Logan, it's okay," Jo told him. Through all of this mess, she was beginning to see how neurotic her boyfriend's best friend could get. "Like I told you, I know I have things to work on. And I guess you have things to work on, too."

"Yeah," Logan said, marveled by how quickly she was able to somehow put them both in the same boat.

"Tell me, though," she said, "is there anyone in particular that you've been seeing?"

I've been seeing your fucking boyfriend, the vindictive, malicious side of Logan wanted to say with beady eyes and an evil tone.

"Not really," he said with a nervous chuckle. "Michelle was the last date I went on, and that..."

"That didn't turn out well. I heard," Jo replied. She felt like shit for the whole Michelle thing. Maybe if she'd just let the two of them get to know each other, they would have hit it off, and then she and Logan wouldn't even be sitting here.

"You haven't seen anybody else since then?" she asked, truly surprised that Logan was so alone.

"No." He probably should have told her that he'd been thinking about Kendall too much to even consider other people - that was the way it had been for years - but he felt as if he and she were reaching a comfortable understanding that would have been ruined by talk of his Kendall love.

"And there aren't any girls around here that you're interested in?" Jo kept with her questions, wanting to be completely clear on where Logan's heart stood.

"No. None."

"Hmm...what about boys?"

"What about them?"

"Well," Jo said, "If you can have a crush on Kendall, then obviously you check out other guys, too, right?"

Logan had never talked about being gay with anyone before, except for Dr. Riley. And in Logan's mind, he didn't even connect his feelings for Kendall with being gay. His feelings for Kendall had nothing to do with gender or sex or anything like that. But yes, he knew it was possible for him to like other guys - if, of course, he could actually like anyone other than Kendall.

"Yeah, I guess."

They both drank. The wheels began to turn in Jo Taylor's head, and when they turned, they turned efficiently and quickly. Plans, schemes, manipulations...she could come up with them all very effortlessly, and all it took was a quick run-through of her available resources and materials. And just as easily as she downed the last drop of her bottled water, she had an idea planted firmly in her head.

"You know what, Logan?" she said like a used car salesman. "I want to help you."

"You do?" Logan asked. But then, when he thought about it, he should not have been surprised that she'd want to help.

"Yes," she said, hopping up from her seat and going to her purse. She dug around for a second, then she pulled out a nice, glossy party invitation. "We're having a birthday party for one of the girls on _New Town High_, and guess who I'm bringing as my plus-one."

"Kendall?"

She shook her head. "No, no, no, idiot. You! I'm bringing you! You can mix and mingle with our cast and crew. There'll be some hot guys, some hot girls...whatever you want."

He regarded her invitation with caution. Was he ready for something like this? Something so big...something so...intimidating. What if they all laughed at him? And called him names? He couldn't imagine Jo's scene being his scene at all. The drinking, the drugs, the partying, the wild atmosphere...really not his thing.

"I don't think any of your friends would be interested in me," he shyly stated.

"Oh, Logan, please," Jo replied. "You really have got to stop it with the modest thing. You're a great guy. I mean it. You're super smart, though that goes without saying."

"Yes, and everyone's looking for a smart guy," he said sarcastically.

"Hey, you're more than just a brain! You're very smart, and you're very charming when you want to be. And, if you don't mind me saying, I think you're very cute."

Logan blushed a little. People rarely called him cute or hot or anything like that.

"There's no reason why any girl - or guy - would want to pass up a chance with you," she said. Except for Kendall, of course.

"Michelle did. I really screwed that one up..."

"Yeah, well...Michelle's a hooker," Jo quickly said.

Logan stood and went to the picture window. If he took Jo up on this offer and went to this party, what would be the worst that could happen? He'd go there, make a fool out of himself, and then he'd be more sure than ever about just leaving California, and then he'd leave, and nothing would stop him from moving on with his life.

Kendall would never let you leave, his little voice said. He'd handcuff himself to you and never let you go.

But what would be the advantages of going to this party? Would he really find someone with whom he could make a good connection? Was that possible?

"Look," Jo said, joining him at the window, "why don't you think about it, okay?" She stuffed the party invitation in his pocket.

He turned to her and nodded. Somehow, she'd gone from being his worst nightmare, his greatest fear, and the worst monster he could ever face, to being a small beacon of hope...some kind of symbol of better days ahead. But as he downed the last of his water, he could remember that in the end, no matter what happened, if his plans were "successful," Jo would be the only true winner here. She'd have Kendall, and he'd have to settle with someone who was less than Kendall. And so he knew he couldn't trust her completely.

As he tossed his water bottle into a waste basket, his eye was caught by an old framed picture that sat on a small end table tucked off in the corner of the room. A little girl in the dorkiest horn-rimmed glasses, wiry Pippi Longstocking braids, and an old-fashioned gingham dress. For a split second, Logan could see Jo's face on the little girl, but-

"My cousin," Jo quickly intervened. "My cousin...we were almost like twins when we were growing up."

"Oh," Logan replied.

"Yeah," Jo said, and then, without missing a beat, "but yeah, you think about this party. I really think you should come."

She guided him toward the door.

"I'll think about it," he said. "I don't know, though..."

"Logan, I said I wanted to help you, right?"

"Yeah, you did..."

"All right, then. Let me help you!"

She smiled at him to show that she was being sincere, and he returned the smile to show that he was taking her offer into consideration. Truth be told, though, he wasn't crazy about the idea. He knew that Kendall didn't like Jo's party antics, and how would Kendall have felt about Logan taking part in those very same activities?

Stop worrying about Kendall, he told himself. This is your life, and you have to live it, and you can't center it all around someone who doesn't love you.

But just as he was about to exit, Jo issued a very piercing reminder.

"And remember what I said, Logan," she told him. "You want me on your side."

He turned back to her, a little confused. Hadn't they moved past the point of making threats to each other? He thought they'd reached an understanding. Before he could properly respond to her, she closed the door.

She's allowed to make all the threats she wants to make, his little voice told him. You're trying to make a move on her boyfriend, and if she wants to fight you tooth and nail, she'll fight you tooth and nail, you loser.

Back inside, Jo went immediately for the picture of her cousin. She yanked it out of the frame, and looked at it. Such an ugly, awkward, boring, plain, friendless, lonely, dull little girl. Such an awful, vindictive, insecure little bitch she had been, too. Only ten years old, but a horrible little person. She turned the picture over. What was written on the back had always make her heart skip a beat.

"Gretchen Josephine Taylor. Fourth grade."

"I'm doing this for you, Gretchen," she said to the picture as she folded it into a small square and put it in her pocket.

Not her cousin.

Her.

* * *

><p>"And then what happened?"<p>

"I...I told her. I told her everything. I told her that I think she's a horrible girlfriend and that Kendall can do much better and that I...that I love him. And that he loves me."

Logan closed his eyes and braced himself for Dr. Riley's reaction. They sat in his office.

"You told her that he loves you, too," Dr. Riley reviewed anticlimactically.

"Yes." Logan slowly opened his eyes again, relieved that the doctor didn't have the severe reaction he'd been expecting.

"Sometimes we say the most peculiar of things in the heat of the moment," mused Dr. Riley. He stroked the hairs of his beard and stared into space. "In the midst of an argument, there is no time for lies or pretense. The things we say are-"

"But it was wrong!" Logan interrupted. "It was totally wrong. Kendall doesn't love me, and...and I told her that he does, and she can go back and tell him what I said at any minute, and it scares the crap out of me!"

"Calm down, Logan," Dr. Riley said, snapping out of his intellectual moment. "I think if Jo was going to tell Kendall, she would have done so by now. I do think, however, that it would be best for you to perhaps...keep your emotions in check for now. As far as Jo is concerned, at least."

Logan nodded a little. He could go with that...it made sense. As helpful as Jo might have seemed, he couldn't shake the idea that she was an unpredictable time bomb, and he was standing in the path of destruction.

Dr. Riley, meanwhile, couldn't shake his own ideas. This man wasn't one of the state's most respected adolescent psychologists for nothing. He could analyze any teenager and know just what they were thinking. He didn't even know this Kendall Knight, but it was as clear as day to Dr. Riley that Logan's love for him was not the least bit unreturned. He wished he could get Kendall in his office for just one session, though, just to see how close Kendall was to cracking and confessing his feelings for Logan.

"All right," he finally said. "You told me that the day you and Jo had this huge blow up, you'd been thinking about telling Kendall the truth..."

"Yes."

"Why didn't you?"

"Why didn't I?" Logan repeated defensively. "Because! Because! Because...because, when you get into a big argument with a girl, you don't go and tell her boyfriend that you love him! Really, you don't tell a straight guy that you love him...ever!"

"But Logan, we've gone over this before, and I'm still confused," Dr. Riley said sternly as he shifted in his seat. "You say that Kendall is your best friend. You say that he was there for you when no one else was. You say that he'd do anything for you. You say that you love him because of all these things. But, still, you believe he'd have a negative reaction to you telling him how you feel."

Logan was speechless. He didn't know what to say...the doctor was right. Kendall had been all of those things to him...it was exactly why he had such strong feelings for him. But at the end of the day...was this really the one and only thing that he felt could ruin their friendship?

"Yes," Logan said quietly. "Yes. I don't think it'd end well for either one of us if I told him the truth."

Dr. Riley let it soak in for a second. Logan's life. Logan's choices. They belonged to him, and Dr. Riley couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. All he could do was guide him along in the decisions he'd made.

"All right," the doctor said, smiling. He wanted Logan to feel at ease again...he wanted the boy to remember that he had someone on his side. "How have you been doing as far as getting out and meeting people? You said something earlier about a club you joined."

"Yes! Yes! I've joined a few clubs, a few appreciation societies," Logan replied proudly.

"And how has that been for you?"

"Well," he thought. It hadn't been much, actually. As much as he knew he was supposed to be getting out and meeting new people, he also knew that his main reason for going club crazy was just so that he could have an excuse to not be around Kendall so much anymore. While at those clubs, though, his mind was rarely on meeting someone new. "It's been okay," he sorta lied. "It's all right."

"Have you met anyone special?"

Logan could feel shame envelope him. He didn't want to disappoint, but damn it...he hadn't met anyone special. "No," he said shamefully. "No. Most of the people there are old, though! Like you!"

"Uh?"

"I mean...they're older than me. And if there are any people there my age, they're really not my type at all, and-"

"What is your type, Logan?"

"I don't know," he said, but he knew exactly what his type was. His type was blond hockey players who also sang in boy bands.

They sat in an awkward silence. Dr. Riley felt bad for putting the pressure on him, but at the same time...what was the point of Logan coming to see him if no progress was to be made? His job was to help Logan get better, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes that meant a little pain.

But Logan was scared. He had too many things going on in his mind, and too many questions, but so few answers. Should he tell Dr. Riley about his "back to Minnesota" plans? How would the doctor react to that? He'd probably say that Logan was merely running away from his problem and destining himself for a life of sadness and depression. Should he just tell Kendall the truth? Or would that spell the end of their friendship forever? Should he just go out and make out with the first girl he saw? But that would be living a lie.

"Logan, I want you to focus on you," Dr. Riley finally said, shaking Logan to attention. "I want you to focus on you and what you want and who you are, and your future. This is your life we're talking about, remember? And only you have the power to change it."

"I know."

"I know you know," Dr. Riley said warmly. "You said you want to get over Kendall, you said you want to find someone else and spend your time with that person. That was your decision! That was what you decided to do. It was your own idea. Okay. Do it, then! The only way it could possibly be done is if you do it. Don't let opportunities pass you up. Go out and have a good time every once and a while. Go to a party. Go to the beach alone. Go see a movie. Go to a concert. Get out and mingle!"

Go to a party.

He said to go to a party!

As Dr. Riley got up to schedule their next appointment, a light bulb flashed on in Logan's head. Go to a party! A party! He'd been invited to a party, hadn't he? And wasn't that party going to be held in just a couple of days?

All right, I'll go, he thought to himself as he and Dr. Riley agreed on a date for their next session. I'll go...I'll go...

But it was a party with Jo...and Jo's friends. The drinking, the drugs...not his scene at all.

But I have to make the changes, he told himself as he left the office. I have to make the changes, and I can't keep running away from them. Going back to Minnesota would be running away, and I can't do that anymore!

So he was going to go to this party. He was going to meet someone. Anyone. He had to. Even if it was someone who might not have been his ideal match. Even if it was just someone who he could have somewhat of a good time with. Even if it was someone who he was only interested in because they reminded him of Kendall. He'd go to the party and meet this person, and he'd see where it would go from there.

His mind was a whirlwind. Hundreds of thoughts spinning around and around and around, making him dizzy.

He sat on a bench outside Dr. Riley's building and called Jo.

"Jo?" he greeted. "Yeah, it's me, Logan. Um...you know that party you were talking about? Yeah, I think I might want to go after all."

* * *

><p>"Who was that?" Kendall asked as he returned to his and Jo's spot by the pool with two tropical beverages. He handed one over to her as he sat.<p>

"Oh, nobody," she answered, carefully keeping her phone out of view. "Just someone from the show."

"Ah," Kendall replied.

He sipped on his pink smoothie, and though it stung a little on his newly cleaned teeth, he knew that this was the life he wanted...this was exactly what he wanted. His favorite drink and his favorite person in the whole entire world.

And if he kept telling himself that, then maybe it would be true.

He'd spent all day Sunday with her, even dealing with her crabby jet lag mood, and now he was doing it again today. As soon as he'd gotten out of his dentist appointment, he raced back to the Palm Woods to catch up with Jo. If he'd idled around for even the slightest moment, he might have been tempted to find Logan and...

I can't do that, he told himself. I can't do that. I want to be normal, remember? And I'm going to be, and so Logan is off limits for now. We can be together with other people, sure, but not alone. Never alone. I don't trust myself around him anymore.

And, Kendall knew, it wouldn't be long before he'd shaken it all off again. He'd decided that yes, he was the stronger one after all, and he was going to prove it by ignoring every single thing he felt about Logan. He'd transfer those feelings to Jo, and everything would be back to, of course, "normal." And then Kendall could get back to trying to hook Logan up with some girl.

"We're having a party for Krystal," Jo said. "I can't stand her, but I guess I have to go."

"Aww," Kendall sighed. "I thought you liked her."

"Yeah, I did," Jo explained, "but then she had the nerve to win Best Female Scene Stealer at the Epic TV Awards last month. Remember?"

"Oh yeah..."

"Everyone knows that I get the best lines on the show, and everyone knows that I'm the best actress on the show, but then she comes out of nowhere and it's like...what the fuck?" she whined. "I'm better than her at everything."

"Well, it's not her fault that the voters like her better, is it?" Kendall suggested, hoping to maybe implant a little graciousness.

"Damn right it is! She probably gave blow jobs to everybody on the committee."

Kendall let the issue go. He knew that when Jo made her mind up about something, there was little he could do about it.

"Oh," she noted, "and you don't have to worry about the party. I'm sure everyone's gonna be wasted and sloshed and what-not, but not me." She turned to him and smile. "I'm not like that anymore."

Kendall smiled back at her, and they kissed. "Oh, your lips taste like pineapple," he said.

"Mmm," she purred in reply.

"Maybe I'll go to this party with you," he said. "It's been a while since I've shown my face at a _New Town High_ party."

"Umm," Jo fumbled, "no. No, no. You don't want to come, trust me."

"Sure, I do!"

"No! Kendall, no."

She could NOT have that happen. Now that Logan was planning to go, she had her own plans for him, and Kendall being there would only get in the way.

"It'll be boring, and you hate our parties," she told him.

"I do hate your parties, but I'll go just to make you happy," he replied.

She giggled insincerely. "No, Kendall. I don't want you to put yourself through hell just for me. I'll tell everyone you're sick."

He smiled at her again, and they kissed again. "All right," he said.

And as they got up and headed back up to her apartment to watch some movies, Jo thought about what she wanted to do and how she wanted it done. She kept a long list of contacts, people she thought she would need for one thing or the other in the future, and she had someone in mind who would be perfect for what she needed to do with Logan.

I'm not trying to hurt him, she convinced herself as she and Kendall lay down in bed. I'm not trying to hurt him at all...it's all about protecting myself! That's it. And in the end, it might turn out well for everyone.

Oh yes, she had her plan set, and she was ready to carry it out. And in a matter of days, Jo just knew that all of her troubles and all of her worries would be gone.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE: <strong>All right, like I said, Chapter 22 and Chapter 23 are gonna be the big explosive chapters you guys have been waiting for! Chapter 21 is going to set it up, but after that, it's going to be Kogan overload. Still, the story won't be finished, because our boys are going to *need* each other, and they'll need each other really, really bad!


	21. 1 On Thin Ice, 2 Lightning War

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All right, yall! This one is the calm before the storm, and it is a DOOZY. 10,500+ words, not counting the ANs. I didn't want it to be this long, and I didn't originally want to put a flashback in here, and I also didn't want to reveal something so big in this chapter, and I didn't want to split this up into parts, but...well, stories have a mind of their own! I broke it up into parts just to give a good stopping point if you don't want to read it all at once. I truly hope you guys enjoy this one! Chapters 22 and 23 are going to be full of fireworks, just in time for New Year's (though I'm not promising they'll be posted by then! lol) Thanks for your reviews and support :)

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: PART ONE<br>**

Every now and then, Logan Mitchell would stand in the mirror and believe he was beautiful.

Tight dark blue jeans that showed off every part of his figure. A blue-and-white pinstripe button-down secured by a stylish black vest and adorned by a loose-fitting necktie. His hair formed a perfect peak, and his skin was clear and radiant.

Flawless.

Those moments, however, were always fleeting, as it never took long for his reflection to turn into old Hortense, with his buzz cut, buckteeth, bifocals, and early-developing acne. As Logan liberally sprayed himself with cologne, he couldn't help but think back to the olden days. It shocked him when he realized that he could very well believe that life had been easier then. Hell, the worst thing Hortense had had to deal with was someone throwing food at him in the cafeteria or throwing dirt at him on the playground or shooting spitballs at him in class. Hortense could go home, though, where all he would need was his books, his gadgets, and his parents' love.

But Logan...the teenager, the young man...his life was hectic. He had to worry about songs to sing, dances to dance, photo shoots, writing sessions, and grades to keep up. Never mind all of the young, adolescent pains. He had to worry about Kendall. And now Jo. He had to worry about people judging him with every step. He had to worry about random fans who could pop up anywhere and do anything to him. He had to worry about the party he was getting ready to go to.

But, as he caught sight of himself one last time in the mirror, he once again felt beautiful.

Unfortunately, that feeling of beauty didn't exactly translate into confidence. He was still uncertain about the entire thing. Not that Logan was some kind of perpetual wallflower - the time spent around the smooth James, outgoing Carlos, and, of course, fearless Kendall had definitely had a positive impact on him - but he had overactive nerves, and he was paranoid. What if...what if he walked in and they all laughed? What if he walked in and they all whispered and snickered behind his back? What if he walked in and there was no one there - what if Jo was trying to trick him? What if...what if...

"No more 'what if,'" he told himself aloud as he puttered around the room, trying to do a little organizing.

He'd thought about calling Jo a hundred times during the day to tell her he couldn't make it. He had good reasons, too! Valid reasons. After a small vacation, Gustavo and Kelly would be back the following day, and the boys knew they'd be in for some hard work. Logan needed his sleep, and this little party would get in the way of that. Or he could have went with the tried and true "I don't feel too well" excuse.

He could have come up with a myriad of reasons. All false, all weak, all bullshit. For a minute, he'd worked hard on convincing himself that he didn't really NEED to get over Kendall. He could just love Kendall from afar and be sad about it for the rest of his life, and it'd be totally cool. Any bullshit excuse to get out of going to this party. There was something inside him, though, screaming at him to quit with the nonsense and get with the program.

Get out and meet new people.

Dr. Riley had suggested it, and Jo was glad to help with it, so the only thing needed was Logan's will, and, though he fought hard against it, he knew what he had to do, and so here he was. If only he'd had the time to catch his breath, but it didn't matter anymore. Dressed and ready, just waiting for Jo to text him and tell him to meet her downstairs, he sat on his bed and tried to calm his acrobatic stomach by thumbing through one of his books.

The door opened. Kendall.

Logan immediately tensed up, but he wouldn't dare look at the other body as it traversed the room. As much as he was ready to move on from how he felt about Kendall, he knew that he was standing on thin ice, and just one particular look or one particular expression or one particular sigh or one particular aura could send him through.

Kendall had spent most of the day playing basketball at his favorite gym. It was one of the places he knew he'd never have to face Logan. Tired and worn-out, he was now ready for a hot bath. As soon as he sat down to take off his shoes, though, the smell hit him like a freight train. Logan's cologne. It was like...it was like every single thing that could ever turn Kendall on in his entire life. It was Logan's smile and Logan's laugh...it was the way Logan's ears pricked up when he read something interesting...it was the way Logan walked and talked...it was the way the muscles in Logan's arms felt whenever they'd have a friendly hug...it was everything. It was as if the fragrance ignored every other corner of the room and only whirled around him, fluttering on and over his every erogenous zone, making his cock swell and his heart beat a little faster. He cast a glance at Logan, who was putting up a good effort at gluing his eyes to his book. He was so fine, and Kendall was almost ready to take him and have his hot, sweaty way with him right there. Taken aback by his own unpredictable lust, Kendall gulped, and he almost...almost got up...almost...

But nope. No.

I'm stronger than he is, Kendall told himself. I gave him a chance already, and he turned it down.

He kicked off his sneakers and strode on over to the window.

"Where are you headed?" he asked Logan carefully.

"Uh," Logan began, nervous. "There's a lecture," he began to say, fashioning one of his most reliable lies. "It's all about the ozone layer...and what we should do to protect it."

"Oh," said Kendall. "Sounds fun," he retorted.

"Yeah, well..." Logan shrugged.

Unable to stop himself from gawking at Kendall's worked-out body, Logan quickly closed his book and began to organize his shelf. Kendall went into the bathroom and started the water for his bath, but as he sat on the edge of the tub, he couldn't keep from looking back at the suave, debonair-looking Logan. He had to admire it...he just had to admire the way Logan could manage to clean himself up. He'd always told him that he wasn't ugly or awkward or unattractive, and it always made Kendall blush a little when the fruits of that encouragement - a somewhat confident Logan owning all of his features and properly putting them on display - would appear. Kendall knew that without him, Logan would have never been able to gather up that belief in himself.

Kendall's eyes were fixated on Logan's back, and he felt something stirring inside him. "You look nice," he pecked when he went back into the room to get some clothes. "You look real..." He almost continued, but he let it trail off. He had to remind himself of the million-and-one reasons why "You look nice" had to be the furthest his compliments could ever go for now. If they were going to be a pair of "normal" guys - like he wanted, and like he assumed Logan wanted, too - then he couldn't do the usual Kendall/Logan thing and sit him down, look him in his eyes, and call him "gorgeous."

And Logan refused to face him. He had been hoping that Kendall wouldn't show up before Jo sent her text. His reservations about going to the party had wrapped up his mind for most of the afternoon and early evening, and he'd barely spent time thinking about his green-eyed crush, the cause of all of this. Just the thought of him, though, had the potential to send Logan into a massive attack of Kendall love, so he had to keep his cool and keep his focus.

Kendall could feel the stress between the two of them as he withdrew a pair of underwear, an undershirt, and a skimpy pair of red sleep shorts from his dresser drawers. But what was he supposed to do or say? What could he possibly say in that very moment to ease all of the tension in the room?

"I'm sorry," he blurted out.

This unexpected apology caused Logan to break his resolve and look back at him. "Sorry? For what?"

"Um...I've been doing that thing again," Kendall tried to convey. "That thing...where I start to forget that you're my best friend."

"It's okay," Logan replied, quickly turning away again and starting to just organize whatever he could get his hands on.

"No," Kendall said, his heart breaking piece-by-piece as he watched Logan fidget with pencils and pens and key chains and lucky pennies and books and rulers and all of the other things that sat on the top of his bookshelf. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for spending time with your girlfriend," Logan said, still not looking back at Kendall. "Haven't we gone through this already? She's your girlfriend, you're her boyfriend. You guys are supposed to be together all the time."

Kendall reached for a response, but again, he was left with nothing to say. Once again, Logan had proven to be stronger than he, and he was just going to have to deal with the fact that Logan wasn't going to succumb to their feelings as easily as he was.

Fortunately, Logan's phone began to vibrate. It was Jo's text, a short and to-the-point "ready."

"That's...that's some of my friends from the Trig Club," Logan said to Kendall's inquisitive face. "They...uh...they want to meet up, and then we're going to the lecture."

Kendall nodded, and for the first time ever, he could somehow feel the years-long hold he'd had on Logan slowly loosen. "Well...don't let me keep you," he said begrudgingly. "Go and have a good time."

"Thanks."

Logan gave his side of the room one last look over and stumbled out the door.

Kendall gathered his things and settled down into his hot bath.

He's ready to move on without me, he thought to himself. He's getting other friends, and he's moving on, and...oh god, what if there's someone else? What if he's found someone else? What if there is some guy in this Trig Club, some guy who wants to take my place...some guy who isn't a scary little wimp like me? What if this guy isn't afraid to just...to just kiss him on the lips and show him - not just tell him - that he's the most amazing person in the world? And what if Logan's ready to go with him...and leave me forever?

No. Hell fucking no. Kendall was not going to let that happen. He might not have been totally ready to be with Logan openly and honestly, but he was damn sure not going to let him slip away like that. Never in a million years. To hell with seeing who could be the "strongest" out of Logan and himself. What prize was there for Logan or himself for being the "strongest?" What did that even mean anyway? Being "strong" was only going to make them both weak.

The only thing that was beginning to matter in Kendall's eyes was the fact that he could somehow feel himself losing the only person who had ever made his soul and his heart happy. He knew he had to do something before it was too late. He knew he had to make Logan realize that what they had...what they felt...it was meant to be, and it was worth all the waiting, and it was something they couldn't just bury or get over.

And maybe the strength lie not in seeing who could better ignore their feelings. Maybe the strength lie in seeing who could make the first move.

* * *

><p>"So...how have you been?" she asked him as she put the finishing touches on her hair. She could spend hours and hours in front of the mirror trying to make everything look just right. Just perfect. Just amazing. Just...incredible. And when she finished, she'd still hate herself.<p>

"I've been fine, love," said the boy on the other end of the phone. "I'm actually getting ready to go out to Krystal's birthday beach bash or whatever the hell it's called."

"Ha, me too. That's actually why I called you."

As soon as Jo had sent her text to Logan, she'd gotten on the phone with the most integral part of her plan. Trey Donato was one of the regular extras who appeared in the background at school assemblies, parties, the beach, and the mall on episodes of _New Town High_, and he was friends with all of the major cast members, including Jo. He was twenty years old, five-foot-eleven, and 150 pounds of dark Italian sex. Extremely attractive. But the attribute that made him most attractive in Jo's eyes for this occasion, though, was his ability to seduce just about any boy he wanted to have. All he had to do was give him those eyes, flash that smile, and touch him in just the right spot, and the guy would fall right into his arms. There was a long line of boys in Hollywood who'd given their hearts to Trey Donato, and Jo knew who she wanted to be next on the list.

She'd kept remembering what Logan had said the last time they'd talked. He truly believed that simply "getting over Kendall" could be solved by finding someone new. All right, then. She had someone new for him. She had her reservations, though...she still had those instincts that told her that things weren't going to be as easy as that. Her instincts also told her that things weren't going to be easy at all, especially for her, but she blissfully ignored that part. See, Jo Taylor was a smart girl. She knew where Logan had messed up. Whenever he was with Camille and when he went on the odd here-and-there date with a girl...he wasn't just trying to get over Kendall, he was trying to get over all guys. But once a queer, always a queer, or so Jo thought, and clearly, the only way to get him off her man was to get him his own man.

In her sick and twisted mind, she truly believed she was doing him a favor.

"How are you doing...in the whole boy department?" she asked Trey as she put down her brush and went back into her bedroom.

Trey giggled condescendingly. "Oh, honey...I don't know. I'm not so sure that department's even open these days."

"Oh please, Trey! You always have something lying around to play with."

"Yeah, well, that's getting boring," he replied. "I'm tired of sleeping around and seeing movies with dumbasses who only want one thing from me."

"Well, then, you know what? I think I got just the thing for you." She took a deep breath and started with her act. "You know Kendall's friend Logan, right? The smart one."

"Logan Mitchell? Yeah, I've heard of him. I've seen him around town every now and then. What about him?"

"Well...I happen to know that he's...well, he's dealing with a break-up right now. He was totally in love with someone, and that person doesn't want him anymore...well, that person never did want him, no matter how hard Logan wanted to believe that person wanted him, and-"

"Jo, please! Slow the hell down. You sound like my grandma when she complains about Medicare."

Jo took another deep breath and cut to the chase. "Look, I'm trying to hook you up with a nice guy, okay?"

"It sounds to me like you're trying to hook me up with a straight guy. I know who Logan Mitchell was dating, and last time I checked, she was a girl. But you know how things 'change' in this town..."

"You mean Camille. Trust me, Trey, Camille was just...the whole thing he had with Camille was an act." She quickly searched around for something that would make sense and just started making it up as she went along. "The whole time, he was with this guy, and they...well...Logan thought it was serious, but the guy really wasn't serious about it, and so...they broke up, and that was the end of that. And now Logan needs someone new in his life."

Trey thought about it for a moment, but to Jo it seemed like an hour.

"He is kind of cute," he finally said. "Those dimples..."

"Yes, dimples are sexy. Will you talk to him?"

"Talk to him? Is he going to be at the party tonight?"

"Yes!"

"And you're sure he's into guys..."

"Yes!"

Another moment/hour.

"All right, I'll show him a little attention. I know how tough a break-up can be on a guy's self-esteem."

Jo heaved a huge sigh of relief. "Please, I don't think I've ever known you to have self-esteem problems."

"Me? Girl, I was talking about the boys I've dumped!"

"Oh please. Someone sounds in love with himself..."

"Hey, I can't help it!" Trey replied. But then, "Jo, if you don't mind me saying, I'm starting to see something fishy about this whole thing..."

Jo panicked. "There's nothing fishy at all about anything." The doorbell went off. "And look, I'll see you at the party, and you'll see that there's absolutely nothing fishy at all, and you'll meet Logan, and you'll have a good time. Okay?"

Now feeling more suspicious than ever, Trey simply nodded his head and offered a satisfactory, "Okay, whatever you say," before Jo hung up the phone.

She went to the front door and straightened herself out before opening it. Logan stood there, the picture of perfection, and deep inside her, that jealous rage that made her do unthinkable things was slowly awakening...slowly coming alive...and slowly making her forget all of her promises.

"Logan...you're ready?"

"I am."

"Good. I think we're gonna have a great night."

* * *

><p>The party was at a huge beach estate overlooking the ocean. The smells of sea mist, sand, and bad decisions danced together as an omen of things to come, and as Jo knocked on the front door, Logan could feel at least three days of breakfast, lunch, and dinner rising up from his stomach into his throat and racing to exit on the cement.<p>

"Would you calm down already?" Jo insisted. "I told you, we're gonna have a great night. And who knows? You might even find someone special..."

There was something menacing about the way she said that last sentence, but Logan just chalked it up to his queasy nerves. The door swung open, and he gathered up all of his strength and confidence to put on the bravest face he could muster.

"Jo! You made it!" the girl inside announced. "Come in!"

Jo and Logan entered the house, and it was immediately evident what type of party this was. There was loud, raucous rock music blaring through what sounded like a million speakers scattered throughout the house. People danced, laughed, talked, argued, pushed, shoved, fought, broke shit, drank, smoked (good ol' legal cigarettes), and some were even making out in plain sight of everyone.

"Okay, on second thought, I think I'm gonna go..." Logan quickly said upon scanning the scene. He turned back to the door, but Jo grabbed hold of his arm.

"No you don't!" she scolded him, pulling him into her world. And this was, indeed, her world. Teens and twentysomethings with neverending finances on a neverending journey for that light-headed feeling of euphoria.

Jo led Logan over to where the drinks were set up.

"Jo, I don't want to get drunk..." he nervously pleaded. There were bottles upon bottles upon bottles of various alcoholic beverages. Vodka, gin, whiskey, rum...lots and lots of Malibu Rum. Jo's eyes lit up at the sight.

"One drink won't kill you," she told him as she reached for the Malibu. "Just get some pineapple juice and put a little bit of this in it."

Logan had rarely drank before. He knew all too well what alcohol could do to the body and the long-lasting effects it could have, and so he'd never thought twice about soaking his liver with booze. But he was starting to see why people did it, that's for sure. The music was giving him a throbbing headache, and it seemed like everyone else in the room was holding a red plastic cup. And so, he watched silently as Jo filled one up for him and handed it over. He couldn't help but notice that the rum-to-pineapple ratio in his cup was slightly more rum than that in Jo's cup, but he was too dazed to say anything.

"Drink up," she instructed, and he took a sip. He wanted to spit it out immediately, but his quick thinking allowed him to just swallow it down. He didn't want to make a fool out of himself or stand out from the crowd, and the crowd was drinking, and so he, too, drank.

As they stood and sipped, Jo observed the rest of the party-goers. "These people are all so fucked up," she said slyly under her breath. "Yeah, the girls all look hot, but half of them starve themselves and the other half makes themselves throw up. All of them are hooked on pills."

Logan's brow furrowed. "I thought they were your friends..."

"Ha," she let out. "I don't have any friends."

Surprised by her words, Logan glanced over at her, and he could see in her eyes this epic look of contempt, as if Jo personally loathed each and every single person in the room. Before he could comment, though, a trio of the very girls she'd been talking about approached them.

"Well, well, Jo, who's the new stud?" the short one, Erica, asked. She, of course, had her own plastic cup, and the slurring in her voice indicated that it wasn't her first of the night.

"This is Kendall's friend Logan," Jo introduced.

Logan was overwhelmed by the presence of the three strange girls, and he looked to Jo for guidance. Surely, they were not what she'd meant when she'd said that maybe he'd find someone special, right? All three of them looked dried out and wasted, at least ten years older than what they really were. He was desperate to get over Kendall, but not that desperate.

"Shake their hands," she instructed, and he smiled at them nervously.

"Hi..." he said, suddenly looking around for anyway to exit this group.

"He's a cute one," the blonde, Savannah, noted, reaching out to touch his hair. He began to breathe really heavily and get dizzy.

"Is he single?" Erica asked Jo, beginning to cop a few feels on Logan herself.

"I don't know," Jo answered, "but guess what! He's not deaf! Why don't you ask him yourself...you know, since he's standing right here."

The third girl, Jasmine, was the boldest of them all. While the other two continued to poke and pet Logan, telling him how cute he was and the dirty things they'd do for him if he wanted it, she took the initiative to pucker her lips and aim straight for his own. Fortunately for Logan, the disgusting stench that was coming from all three of them tickled the insides of his nose, and he sneezed before she could attack him with her tongue.

"I'm...sorry," he said shakily, carefully swatting them away. "I think...I'm gonna be sick."

And with that, he broke free of them and began to search for the nearest bathroom.

"He's weird," Jasmine whispered to Jo after he went away.

Jo downed her drink. "No, he's just gay." And the girls' eyes widened.

It didn't take Logan long to find the bathroom, and once he did, he pushed his way in. Fortunately, it was quite large, and there was only one other person in there. He went to one of the sinks and turned the water on full blast. He poured the drink down the drain and began to spray his face with the water.

What am I doing? he asked himself. What in the hell...I shouldn't be here. This isn't my type of place, these aren't my type of people...what did I think I was going to do here? Get drunk and smoke my problems away? I wouldn't think about Kendall because the only thing I'd think about is getting drunk and high? Is that really the road I was going to go down?

But what other road was there for him?

The road back to the Palm Woods, he told himself. And then the road back to Minnesota. I should have never let Jo talk me into this.

As he turned off the water and began to wipe his face dry, he couldn't help but notice the other guy staring at him. He'd been combing his hair a few mirrors down, and the whole time Logan was rinsing the filth of the handsy girls off of himself, the guy had stolen a few glances down at the neurotic dark-haired hottie.

"Forgive me for staring," said Trey as he tucked his comb into his pocket.

Logan looked at him, prepared to make another run for it. The last thing he needed was for a guy to be pawing all over him, too.

"I swear, I'm not gonna like...rape you or anything," Trey assured, keeping his distance but slowly inching closer. "I just recognized your face. You're...you're Logan Mitchell, aren't you? From Big Time Rush."

"Uh...yeah...I am," Logan answered tentatively. He wasn't sure where the guy was going with this.

"Awesome," Trey replied. "I'm Trey Donato." He offered his hand for a shake, and when he could see that Logan was still unsure, he extended it even further with a warm smile. "I won't bite, I promise."

Logan met his eyes and could see that he was sincere. He shook his hand and smiled. "I'm sorry...it's just...I came here with a friend, and I've only been here for like two minutes, and I already had random girls trying to molest me."

"Ew, that's disgusting," said Trey. "None of these people have any home training, I tell you."

"Yeah," Logan agreed. "As a matter of fact, I think I've had enough of it for the night."

"What?"

"I'm leaving."

"Aw, no, don't do that!" Trey pleaded. "I've never met a celebrity before, and I'd hate to see you leave because of one bad experience with a bunch of skanks!"

"Ha, that's nice, but I'm not a celeb-"

"Look, I'm no fan of these people either," Trey said, "but I have to come to these things to keep my contacts fresh. Usually, I show my face around for a while and then I find an empty room and just watch TV until it's all over."

"Really?"

"And you're welcome to join me."

Logan's heart began to beat out of his chest. From the way Trey dressed and talked and moved, he could assume that the guy was gay. An awful thought to have, he knew, but he couldn't help but assume. Okay, and so the guy was cute. And so the guy was inviting him to join him in an empty bedroom where they would talk and...what else? Logan knew what types of things happened at these parties. People would wake up the next morning with babies growing in their stomachs and crabs crawling around their private parts.

"I'm not...I don't...I'm not that kind of person," he said politely, going for the door. Let this guy have his fun with someone else.

"What the hell, and you think I am? Dude, we just met like five seconds ago! I'm not trying to fuck you! I just want to chill! Most of the people at these shindigs are way too messed up for me to have a good time with any of them, but you seem different."

Logan's breathing got heavy again. He was still facing the door, but he could feel Trey's eyes on his back. Was he ready for something like this? If it was a girl, it would have been different, of course. He would have merrily taken the initiative to spend some alone time with her, and he would have gotten her phone number, and he would have made sure to see her again, and he would have had many dates with her, and they would have been something to each other. But this was a guy. He still wasn't very comfortable with the idea of flirting with a guy or being with a guy or anything like that at all.

Would you just get over yourself, he told himself. You don't even know if he's gay or not. He said he just wants to hang out, that's all.

"I'm sorry," he said as he turned around. "I'm sorry. I'm just...really nervous."

"Please! There's nothing to be nervous about," Trey said. "Come on, I think _18 Wheels of Vengeance_ is coming on tonight."

"Ugh, I hate trucker-slasher movies!"

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: PART TWO<strong>

"You know, I have to admit something," Trey said as the opening title sequence of _18 Wheels of Vengeance_ rolled.

He and Logan had found a comfortable little room on the second floor. It was isolated from most of the rest of the party - in fact, the only other thing really happening on the second floor was the infamous "fun room," where the partyers who really needed to get a fix and a release went for their favorite types of medication. But Logan and Trey were far enough away from that to not encounter any problems.

"What?" Logan asked. Trey was stretched out on the bed, and Logan was seated uncomfortably on the floor.

"I'm a fan," Trey replied.

"A fan of what? Trucker-slasher movies?"

Trey laughed. "Yeah, absolutely. But that's not what I was talking about. I'm a fan...of yours."

Logan blushed and looked down.

"No, no, no blushing! I've been following you guys ever since you first got together. I remember reading the story about how Kendall handed Gustavo Rocque his own fat ass during his audition with that song about turds. I thought it was hilarious!"

Logan giggled. "Yeah, Kendall is...well, he's Kendall."

"But um..." Trey began softly. "Um...it was always you who I was most interested in."

"Oh?" Logan gulped. He was getting nervous.

"Yeah...there's something about a genius that I just find extremely sexy."

Logan immediately felt uncomfortable. Really, he felt as if he'd been tricked, as if he'd been duped into coming into this room, and now this strange guy was going to do something to him, and-

"Dude, I'm sorry," Trey suddenly blurt out. "I did not mean for that to sound as creepy as it did!"

Logan looked up at him. "No, it's okay. It's...I mean...I'm not...well...I don't know...it's...it's flattering. Thank you."

"No problem."

They sat in silence as the movie began to really start. A trucker's daughter was bullied by all of the kids in her high school until she finally committed suicide. And so, naturally, the trucker had to kill every single one of the little bastards.

Logan began to feel a little more at ease. Here he was...in a strange room...with a strange boy...watching a strange movie...and he wasn't scared for his life.

But what about Kendall, he asked himself. How would Kendall feel, knowing you were all locked up in this room with a boy? Wouldn't Kendall call you a fag, wouldn't he say you weren't normal? Wouldn't he ditch you and say that you weren't his best friend anymore?

I can't let Kendall run my life, he told himself. And maybe if he did all of those things to me, he's not the guy I've been having these feelings for all these years anymore...

Yeah, but what if Kendall didn't call you a fag, he asked himself. What if he didn't call you any names...what if he just got jealous? And what if it broke his heart to see you with somebody else? And what if...

Logan's mind was going crazy. He had to constantly remind himself that Kendall didn't feel anything like that for him, and he also had to constantly remind himself that this new guy, this random stranger he'd just met...he was indeed a random stranger he'd just met. He'd made the mistake of mentally latching onto Michelle too quickly and too hard within minutes of meeting her, and that had not turned out well at all. He had to remember the lesson learned from that experience.

"I'm sorry for weirding you out," Trey chimed in. He realized that his suspicions about Jo's little favor must have had some truth to them. It was clear that Logan was nowhere near comfortable discussing his feelings.

"You didn't weird me out," Logan replied, making sure to at least smile a little to show that he really wasn't weirded out. He thought about the fact that his assumption about Trey had been right, and he thought about what that meant.

"Uh...so...when did you find out you're gay?" he asked inquisitively. It didn't occur to him how that might be a question too personal.

"Oh?" Trey asked. "Um, well...we got the diagnosis when I was about ten. I kept doing this weird thing where my junk would get big whenever the Backstreet Boys were on TRL, and so..."

Logan began to laugh. "I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have asked you that."

"No! It's okay, trust me. If I didn't make jokes about it, I'd die. No, really, though, I found out when I was about ten. I guess I just...found out the way most people find out. There's that one special person that you keep thinking about and thinking about, and as you get a little older, the way you think about that person changes and matures and...well, you know how that is. It just so happened that my one special person was another guy."

Logan nodded.

"I never had any issues with it at all, though. I mean...I had a crush on a guy. I just accepted it as normal and that was it. I knew what it meant to be gay, I knew that it meant I was going to have a lifetime of shit to deal with, but I wasn't going to let that get in the way of how I really felt about that guy. And then me and him...we got together, we did things in secret, but he made me swear I'd never tell a single person, ever, and so I didn't. But I got tired of it, and I ended it, and I haven't looked back since. Once upon a time, he was my whole entire world, but now he's nothing but a distant memory."

And Logan wondered...would Kendall ever be just nothing but a distant memory to him? He couldn't imagine it, but wasn't that what he'd been wanting ever since this whole thing started? All he wanted was to "forget about Kendall," the same way Trey had seemingly forgotten about that first boy he'd ever loved. And whether he went back to Minnesota or stayed here and tried to find someone new - someone like Trey, someone like Michelle, someone like Camille, someone like Kendall - at the end of the day, wasn't it his goal to no longer have any feelings for Kendall?

"Do you ever really get over your first love, though?" Logan sorta thought aloud, his eyes on the floor, as he reflected on his current situation.

"Ha," Trey answered just as reflectively. "It's hard. Trust me, it's hard. I loved that guy from the time I was ten up until the time I was eighteen. For a while, I never thought I'd get over him. My heart would get stuck on him. No matter what I'd do or who I'd do it with, I'd still think about him. All of these little things from my memory would keep coming back to me, and it'd make me want him all over again. But I realized, once and for all, that if someone isn't willing to claim his feelings for you, if he's not willing to stand up for you and tell you that he loves you...does he really love you at all?"

It all seeped into Logan's mind. It all reminded him so much of what he'd been going through. In love with a guy at ten years old...trying so hard to project that love onto other people, but failing every single time...having a head and a heart and a soul that was just wrapped around that one person, no matter what. Having those memories that would never die...it was all just as much a part of Logan's story as it was a part of Trey's.

And the part about that special person not being able to stand up for you and tell you that they love you...show you that they love you...

_A rainy May night...May of this very year._

_Everyone else was gone. Mrs. Knight was seeing a movie with some of the other Palm Woods moms. Katie was bothering Mr. Bitters in the lobby. James was at a party, and Carlos had convinced the Jennifers to let him take them shopping. Jo was in North Carolina with her parents, and Camille had just left for England._

_And so Logan and Kendall were home alone._

_"So, what's up for us tonight, best friend in the world?" Kendall asked as they sat on the couch._

_"Well," said Logan, "I don't know about you, but there's a seal documentary on tonight, and I can't wait to watch it!"_

_"Oh! Wow! Exciting! Seals!" Kendall feigned. "Or we can play nonstop video games 'til the sun comes up."_

_Logan rolled his eyes and looked up from the magazine he'd been reading. "Kendall, when given the option of enriching my mind with new facts about one of the world's most overlooked and underrated animals or rotting my brain with hours upon hours of mindless video games, which do you think I'd prefer?"_

_Kendall pondered for a moment. And then he got up to turn the video game on._

_"Kendall!" Logan whined. "I'm serious!"_

_"Okay?" Kendall responded nonchalantly. "And so am I. I'm not gonna let you sit here and numb your mind with all of this brainiac stuff just because you can't deal with Camille leaving."_

_"Camille? None of this has anything to do with her!" Logan fired back._

_"Sure it doesn't."_

_Just as Kendall was about to grab the remote control to switch the TV input to the video game console, Logan hid it behind his back. "I'm watching seals!"_

_"We're playing video games!"_

_"No!"_

_"Yes!"_

_"No!"_

_"Yes!"_

_And then fate made the decision for them, as the TV, the video game, the air conditioner, the lights, and all other electrical devices in the house shut off. Power outage._

_"See! Look what you did!" Logan cried out in the dark._

_"Yeah, that's right, blame it on me," Kendall huffed as he felt his way to the couch to sit down next to Logan. They were silent for a while, but then Kendall sort of poked at Logan's side._

_"Stop it," Logan protested, trying to move away from him._

_"Are you seriously still trying to read? We're sitting here in pitch black darkness, and you can't put your book down and have fun for five minutes? Oh, Hortense...I didn't realize you had it that bad for ol' Camille."_

_"Don't. Call me. Hortense!"_

_"Hortense, Hortense, Hortense, Hortense!"_

_Kendall tickled and poked and prodded at Logan until they were both on their feet and stumbling around the living room. Kendall chased Logan and then Logan chased Kendall. They got quick glimpses of each other through the flashes of lightning that lit up the room, and it had the effect of strobe lights. Their laughing was continuous, but with each moment of visibility, each boy's smile grew bigger and wider and happier._

_"You swore you'd never call me that ever again!" Logan reminded him. Kendall had him pinned against a wall. Logan's arms were stretched up, but so were Kendall's, and their fingers were interlocked. Their faces were inches apart._

_"Says who? I never did!"_

_"You can now. You can swear you'll never call me that ever again now..."_

_They both tried to catch their breath, but it seemed like the heat was getting hotter and their breathing more heavy._

_"What else can I do now?" Kendall asked. It was dark, but their eyes were on each other like spots on a leopard._

_Logan's breathing finally calmed as he felt Kendall's grip on his fingers tighten. "Kendall," was all he could say. Was it a question? Was it a warning? Was it an invitation?_

_Kendall started to chuckle, like a clown in a horror movie. "Ha..ha...ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha ha ha..."_

_He released Logan and started to feel his way through the room to the hallway. "I'm going take a bath."_

_Logan oriented himself after their game of cat-and-mouse and tried to follow him. "Kendall, it's dark, it's raining, and it's lightning! Taking a bath right now is definitely not the greatest idea!"_

_"I'm not scared of lightning and rain," Kendall shrugged. "And as for the darkness...I have an idea."_

_And an idea it was._

_As Kendall sat in the tub, slowly and meticulously scrubbing his fair skin, soaping up his hair, and cleaning every single part of his body, Logan stood in the doorway, flashlight held awkwardly in his hand and pointed at Kendall, with his back facing his naked friend._

_"You...you could have just lit a candle or something or got a lantern or something or...you know...anything that didn't involve me standing here...you know...doing this..."_

_Kendall didn't answer. Just washed himself...but no matter how hard he scrubbed and washed, he'd never be completely clean. He'd still have something on him and in him, something that would never go away...he'd still have the stain left by his feelings for Logan. He didn't know why he was forcing Logan to do this...all he knew was that, in this moment, it felt right. It was like dipping your toes in the water to see if it was too hot or too cold...he had to make baby steps before he could truly walk with integrity. Being in this tense situation, where he wasn't completely sure of what he would do if he had the nerve to do it...it was just a little bit of the preparation he needed before he could finally get up the courage to say something or do something big._

_And Logan stood, his eyes staring long and hard at everything in their bedroom, wanting to just turn around and face Kendall. He wondered if this would be it...if this would be the moment when Kendall would finally let go and love him. He knew he'd waited long enough...he knew he'd kept his self-control close by through too many situations and episodes to not be rewarded, finally, with the gentle touch and tender kiss he'd been yearning for ever since his childhood days. Oh, if only Kendall would just get up and...if only Kendall would just take him and..._

_But if Kendall didn't, he'd understand. If Kendall wasn't ready, he wouldn't force him. If Kendall wasn't ready, he wouldn't hold it against him. If Kendall wasn't ready, then Logan wasn't ready either._

_But he was so fucking ready...so ready. And if he couldn't act on his feelings now, he didn't know what he would do._

_And then he heard Kendall stand up, the water dripping from his body like Niagara Falls. Logan could smell the soap in the air, the scent of cleanliness. The rain continued on, as did the thunder and lightning, but as far as they were both concerned, there was nothing outside this room. No apartment. No hotel. No weather. No trees. No California sun, no California coast. No California. No Earth._

_Just this room. Just them._

_Logan could feel him coming closer behind him. He could hear the footsteps. He could feel Kendall's hands take the flashlight from him and turn it off. He could feel the darkness envelope them. He could feel Kendall wet arms touch him, and he could feel the thing that made Kendall Knight a man rub against the back of his shorts. He could feel his own body part growing just as much._

_"Kendall," he moaned as his would-be lover put his hands on Logan's hips. Once again, was it a question, warning, or invitation? Or was it just the verbalization of what he felt inside, meaning nothing in particular but also meaning everything?_

_The lips. They were on his neck. They were...they were touching his neck, and they were kissing his neck, and they were working their way down, and just as Logan turned around to cash the check he'd put in so many hours for..._

_"I can't," said Kendall, a look of anguish on his face.  
><em>

_"I can't," he said again._

_He hugged tightly to Logan, and then it didn't even matter that he was naked. It didn't matter that he was wet and getting Logan wet, too. He was crying on his best friend's shoulder and telling him that he couldn't do it, that he couldn't love him.  
><em>

_"I can't," he said again for the third time, and then he just started repeating it over and over again._

_"Kendall," Logan soothed, "it's okay...it's okay..."_

_But then Kendall began to back away. He unclasped his arms from around Logan's narrow torso, and he just backed away, almost slipping on the wet floor, until his flesh sat on the closed toilet seat._

_"I can't," he said through his tears, his face in his hands. "I can't...I don't want to. It's too much...it's too much change...everything would be different...and I don't want that...I can't deal with it...I can't deal..."_

_Logan was stone-faced. So close! He'd gotten so close! They together had gotten so close!_

_But Kendall couldn't. And he didn't want to._

_And so Logan couldn't, either. And Logan didn't want to, either._

_He closed the bathroom door and changed for bed. By the time Kendall had recuperated and gotten dressed, Logan was fast asleep, or at least pretending to be. He wondered what would happen if he'd just gotten up and joined Kendall in the other bed. Would Kendall have been able to, then? Would he have wanted to, then? But he decided against it. He couldn't push Kendall. He couldn't force him. And so he slept in his own bed, dreaming, as he'd always done, about what it would be like to slip into the other, or for the other boy to slip into his._

_The following morning, he was none too surprised to find Kendall gone. He already knew how this would play out. Whenever Kendall would return, it would be as if the night had never happened...as if it had never happened...as if nothing at all had ever happened. And Logan would roll with it, as he'd always done, and he'd file it away in that secret part of his mind where he kept the things he didn't want to face. He'd bury it so deep that he'd get back to believing that Kendall didn't love him at all...that Kendall would never love him._

But he wants to be normal, Logan reminded himself as the icy cold fragments of remembrance began to stab at him. He wants to be normal...and that's why...that's why I've convinced myself that he doesn't love me. That's why I've blocked out all of the truth, that's why whenever he looks at me and I know it's love...I tell myself that it's not, that it's just him being friendly, that it's just him being nice. When I wrapped my arms around him in that bed when we were fifteen, I told myself that he just needed a friend, but I knew the truth...when he stood naked before me on his eighteenth birthday, I told myself he was just being silly, but I knew what he wanted...when he said that he was "ready" just a few nights ago, I told myself that he was ready to lead me on again, but I knew that he was ready to love me. Oh, but if I were to ever allow myself to acknowledge that he does feel the same way as me, that he does love me, that he does want me...then we'll do all of the things we want to do with each other...and to each other...and everything would change, and Kendall doesn't like change, and he told me to never change, to always stay the same...and...and then he'd hate me for changing on him, and he'd hate me for making him face all of his fears, and he'd hate me for making his dad right. His dad called us fags, and his dad called us not normal, and Kendall just wants to prove his dad wrong, and so I've made myself miserable because I love him so fucking much...and I just want him to be happy.

Tears began to stream down his face.

"Logan...dude...are you crying?" Trey asked, peering over the side of the bed and hearing the sound of sniffing. It was as clear as day to him, now, that Jo had manipulated him into being involved in something way more serious than adding to his "boy department." He didn't know what was going on in Logan's head, but clearly, a one-night stand was not what he needed.

"No," Logan said through the tears. "No...no...I'm fine, it's just..."

He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. The thoughts just invaded his mind like the opening strike of a lightning war. It just hit him so hard, it pushed so much at his nerves and his heart, and it just...it drained him of everything. He'd repressed so much of what he knew to be true...he repressed so much of it because it was easier for him to believe that Kendall didn't love him, but he always knew that one day, he'd think about it again, and he'd acknowledge it again, and it would just hurt.

But still...still...no matter how much he knew Kendall loved him, no matter how much he knew Kendall wanted him, he wasn't going to give in. He remembered the look on Kendall's face when his father raised the hockey stick...he remembered the way Kendall tearfully said that he didn't want his life to change, that he wanted things to just stay the way they were...he remembered "I can't. I don't want to. I can't deal."

"Look, I gotta go..." he tried to say quickly as he got to his feet. He didn't need this guy's pity. This was guy was a far cry from Kendall. He could never be to Logan what Kendall had been, and there was no use in trying to make it seem like he could be. He was merely a subpar replacement, just like Camille had been and just like Jo. None of them - no one - could replace true love.

"No, dude...I don't think you're okay," Trey said, sliding off of the bed and going after him. He grabbed Logan's shoulders and spun him around. "And if you go out there, someone's gonna fill you with drugs. Now, something's bothering you! What is it?"

"I'm in love with someone!" Logan yelled through his tears. "I'm in love with someone, and he doesn't love me!"

He broke down in Trey's arms, and the Italian Stallion did his part perfectly. He grandmothered Logan into a hug and told him that things have a way of working out.

And outside in the hallway, one young lady was hearing and seeing for herself that things indeed have a way of working out.

Were they hugging? Were Logan and Trey hugging? Oh yes, they were! And Jo could not have been happier. Yeah, she'd had some doubt that maybe this wouldn't work out the way she hoped it would...yeah, she had thought that maybe Logan's little schoolboy/puppy love crush on Kendall wouldn't be so easily squashed, but she was seeing it for her own eyes through the crack in the door. Logan was hugged up with Trey, and that meant all was going to be well for her.

She was on cloud nine, and she hadn't even had a single a cigarette in her mouth the whole night. All she needed to know was that her plan was working. Trey Donato, that son of a bitch, was doing exactly what she wanted him to do, and Logan was falling for it hook, line, and sinker!

And all of those girls. The Ericas and the Savannahs and the Jasmines and the Krystals...those girls who talked shit about her behind her back, the ones who said she was ugly and fat and gross and boring and plain and dull...they'd continue to be jealous, and they'd continue to be pressed, because Jo Taylor would still be on top of the world.

She turned away from Logan and Trey's room and began to stroll down the hallway. Some of her acquaintances came out of the fun room.

"Look who it is!" the guy, Dylan, said. "Miss Josephine. I see you're back where you belong."

"Ha," Jo replied with a shit-eating grin. "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not."

"I'm sure you have something to celebrate, don't you?" he asked her, luring her in deeper and deeper.

And the furthest thing from her mind then was the promise she'd made to Kendall. She cared not about staying sober or staying clean. She had something to celebrate! She had something to be happy about! So what if she took a few victory puffs, a few celebratory shots, and a couple of winner's doses? It didn't matter, because the next day, and every day after that, Kendall was going to stick with her through thick and thin!

And so she nodded her head slowly as Dylan led her into the room.

* * *

><p>Kendall stood in front of the mirror.<p>

I owe her this much, he told himself.

If he was going to finally do it...finally throw it all away...finally face the music...finally tell Logan the truth, he at least owed Jo something. He owed her just a little bit of the love he'd always tried to give her but could never give completely.

We'll have a good time, and she'll be all right, he told himself.

He never hated Jo. On the contrary, he'd fallen for her the same way he'd fallen for every other girl he'd been with. She'd been attractive to him. Of course, everyone else saw Jo Taylor, the new girl, the flashy blonde from North Carolina who seemed to have it going on, but Kendall knew the real Jo. Kendall knew Gretchen.

He'd forced the story out of her, and once it had been told, he knew he'd found the girl for him. This was a girl who needed him, a girl who needed his love, who needed his attention, who needed his affection...this was a girl who needed someone to care about her because so few people had cared about her before.

This was a girl...who was so, so, so similar to Logan.

Or at least Kendall had thought she was.

Oh, things had been great at first. She'd opened up and gotten out of her shell. She'd gotten confidence. She'd gotten a sense of self-esteem. She'd gotten to love herself, and it was all because of Kendall. And for Kendall, it was great, because now he could pretend she was Logan. He could pretend she was the one he really wanted, and sometimes, if he closed his eyes, he'd fool himself into believing she really was him.

But then came the drugs.

Kendall wasn't enough for Jo. He never was. She didn't just want to be loved by a boy. Oh no. She wanted to be envied by everyone...she wanted everyone to be as jealous of her as she had been of them. And so she drank...and she smoked...and she popped pills...and she had sex with boys who were too drunk or too high to give a fuck about her. And they made her feel great...she would see the sour looks on the faces of the Ericas and the Savannahs and the Jasmines...and she'd love every minute of it.

But then she'd go running back to Kendall. She'd run back to his arms, and he'd be ready to take her. And he knew, deep down, that no matter how many times she swore to him that "this time" would be better, that "this time" would be different..."this time" would be the same as all of the other times.

She was no Logan. Logan was sweet and kind and gentle and cute and adorable and warm and friendly and selfless and...Logan was love. Kendall would look at him and just feel an immense adoration, and maybe it was because Logan had always kept his promises. He'd promised Kendall that he wouldn't change, and he never did...he always left things up to Kendall, but Kendall would always back down at the last minute.

But not anymore.

He owed it to Jo, though. He didn't want to leave her and let her world fall apart. He wanted to have one last night with her before breaking her heart. And tonight would be that night.

He was ready. Kendall Knight was ready to face the truth.

He looked himself over once more, gathered up his things, and headed out of the bedroom on his way out of the apartment.

"Where you headed?" his mother asked.

"I'm meeting Jo at a party for one of her friends."

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Uh oh! And I wonder what room he's going to find first...the one where his girlfriend is being a druggie or the one where his best friend/the boy he loves is confiding in another guy?


	22. I Love You

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Three and a half weeks, I know :( But it's here, so read! Thanks to EVERYONE who reviewed, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO<strong>

Kendall Knight might not have been the smartest boy in school (that honor had always gone to Logan, of course), but he wasn't stupid. He was far from it, and it was his secret stash of smarts that had compelled him to get dressed and go to Jo's friends' party. As much as he told himself that it was about "owing" something to Jo and wanting to make this a "nice night" for her, he knew very well that it was much deeper than that.

As he approached the beach house and came to a stop, he kept thinking about the promises she'd made over and over again. She was going to change. This time would be different. She'd be the "old Jo" again. But she'd broken those promises...every. single. time. And each time, it would hurt Kendall more and more. But now? This time? Oh yes, this time would be different, but in ways Jo never would have imagined.

Kendall knew it was time for him to step up and let his true feelings for Logan be known, but at the same time, he couldn't just shake the trepidation. Something had to happen to fuel him...something needed to push him closer and closer to the point where he no longer cared about Jo's feelings or his father's feelings or anyone's feelings other than his own. And dropping in on this party, he felt, had a very good chance at giving him that push.

She's in there, he thought as he started walking to the front door. She's in this house, and she's probably doing everything I've always tried to help her stop doing. She's breaking her promises once again, and if she is...then I'm done. I'm officially done. Fuck being nice. Fuck trying to let her down gently. What was the point of these last two years if she's just gonna keep ending up with pills and booze down her throat, cuts on her wrist, and random dudes in bed with her? Why have I wasted my life trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped? Why should I care about her when she clearly doesn't give a damn about me? If she cared about me, she would have been a good, decent girl, and maybe we could have been really good together all the time, and maybe I would have gotten over Logan, and...

He thought about Logan. The boy he loved - the boy he'd so often neglected - could have very well been out there, somewhere in Los Angeles, enjoying a quiet, romantic night with another guy...a guy who couldn't possibly restrain the burgeoning feelings he had for Logan...a guy who would never dream of trying to replace Logan with someone else...a guy who would have stood on a rooftop and screamed to the world that he was in love with a dorky little guy named Hortense Mitchell.

Logan wouldn't do that to me, Kendall thought as he reached the door. He'd never do that to me...he said he would never change and that he would never leave me...and he always keeps his promises.

But he knew that time was slowly ticking away. He could feel it trickling through his fingers like sand, and if he wanted to be happy - for the first time in his life, truly and completely happy - it was time. It was just fucking time.

Without even knocking, Kendall twisted the doorknob and walked into the party.

* * *

><p>"And we've never talked about it," Logan said, slowly exhaling. "Never."<p>

He'd just finished telling Trey the whole story of Kendall and himself. From beginning to end. Well, not the complete, unabridged version, but all of the important details. Their first meeting, their first sleepover, the first time they shared a bed, the first awkward moment in which Logan didn't know what kind of signs Kendall was trying to send. And, of course, Logan's resolve to move along once and for all.

"Dude...I...I can't. I literally can not even," Trey replied, letting it all soak in. He was comfortably tucked under the covers in bed as Logan, a pink and white ball of nerves, sat on the edge. He looked down, just letting the air flow in and out of his system. He needed to center himself again and not let his feelings get the best of him.

Okay. So he'd let himself acknowledge the fact that Kendall likes him back. He'd allowed himself to remember the feeling of Kendall's wet, naked body standing next to his...he allowed himself to remember the sensation of Kendall's lips on his neck...okay. Fine. Whatever. It didn't change anything. It didn't change the fact that Kendall didn't want to be gay, did it? It didn't change the fact that Kendall wanted to be in a normal relationship with Jo, did it? Of course, it didn't. And if Logan hadn't been sure about moving back to Minnesota before, he definitely was now.

"Can't what?" Logan asked, not even looking back at Trey.

"I can't form a coherent sentence to let you know how absolutely insane this whole thing is!" Trey replied rather loudly. "I mean, jeez! At least me and Jake fucked every now and then. You've been holding on for Kendall for how long? And you haven't even kissed on the lips? I would have lost interest years ago."

"Sex isn't everything," Logan said defensively.

"I guess," Trey said, shaking his head. "It sure as hell makes the pain a lot more bearable, that's for sure. It's just...I don't get it."

"What?"

"Why have you never said anything?"

"Because!" Logan began, as if he would be restating the obvious. "I told you...his dad, and he...he...well...I don't know."

Trey's eyes bulged. "You've kept all of this shit bottled up for all this time simply because his dad's a douchebag?"

"No! I mean...yes! But that's not all! Kendall doesn't want to be...with me, and so I can't force him, and so..."

"Oh my GOD, dude!" Trey scoffed, throwing his hands up in the air. "So you're perfectly content with letting Kendall be with...ugh...Josephine...while you're all alone by yourself feeling like crap for every single minute of every single day? Are you honestly telling me that that's what you want?"

Logan, feeling attacked, stood up and put on a brave face. "You know, it's not what I want, but I really don't have a choice, do I? I can't just force him to do something he doesn't want to do."

"And what makes you so sure that he doesn't want to do it?"

"He told me so himself!"

"Yeah! Right after he slobbered all over your neck and had his cock pressed up against your ass. Hate to break it to you, but that usually means the guy wants you."

Trey slid over to the side of the bed and pulled Logan back down next to him. He threw a comforting arm around the trembling guy's shoulders. "Look, kid...I don't mean to be a jerk, but clearly, you need someone to slap some sense into you. It's obvious to me that Kendall wants you just as much as you want him, and I know that you know this too, deep down. I understand that it's scary for you, trust me, but at the same time...what's the scarier thought? Confronting him about this or being miserable for the rest of your life?"

Fuck, Logan thought. Fuck. This wasn't supposed to be like this. This was supposed to be him meeting a new guy who could hopefully take him away from his Kendall problems. This was supposed to be the beginning of the next step in his life and the beginning of him moving on from having a crush on someone who wasn't strong enough for him...this was not supposed to be him being convinced to do something he had a feeling he would regret. If he confronted Kendall...if he made Kendall talk about the things he'd never wanted to talk about...if he changed the dynamics of their relationship...he could risk losing everything they had, and the damage would be irreparable.

"Look," Trey continued. "All I'm saying is that you should talk to the kid. Tell him how YOU feel. And I promise you, everything that HE feels will just come pouring out. Maybe he won't be ready to be with you now...maybe he won't ever be, but you're gonna feel a whole lot better knowing that you've done all that you could possibly do. You do not want to be forty years old and constantly thinking about all the things you should have said and how different things could have been. I've seen that, and it is not pretty."

"But what if-"

"What if what? What if he hates you? What if he resents the fact that you're stronger than him and that you aren't a little pussy anymore? So what? If that's the way he feels, then move on. Tell him that you'll be waiting for him whenever he grows some balls but that you don't need his 'friendship' right now. Tell him that you're not gonna just accept half of him. Tell him it's all or nothing, that it's time to grow up. Shit, tell him that there's a flawless Italian guy named Trey who would be more than willing to rock your world."

Logan chuckled a little as he wiped the tears from his face. At least he could laugh...at least he wasn't so far gone that he couldn't take a joke. Maybe there would be hope for him yet...maybe what Trey was saying was the truth. But still...

"I don't know," he said, sniffling a little. "I think it would just be easy for me to go back home and forget about everything and-"

"Forget? About everything?" Trey asked him, bowing his head and looking out from under his brow. "Everything? The way he touched you and the way he smiles at you and the way he's able to just make you feel like you're the only guy in the world? Logan, I don't mean to beat up on your home state, but I've been to Minnesota, and I promise you, nothing there is gonna make you forget about what's waiting for you here. Nothing."

Ugh. Logan knew he was right. It was like talking to a young gay version of Dr. Riley. He kept trying to come up with "But-" statements...anything to tip the ball back into his court so that he wouldn't have to go through with it, but he kept coming up empty-handed. Why couldn't they just understand that he wanted Kendall to be happy?

He'd be happy with you, dumbass, he told himself.

Logan rubbed his fingers through his hair and looked up at the TV. Suddenly, he liked trucker-slasher movies.

"Let's just watch the rest of the movie, okay?" he asked.

* * *

><p>As soon as Kendall entered the house, he was sick to his stomach. He could smell the stench of grossness in the air. Alcohol everywhere, that unmistakable scent of smoke wafting on down from the second floor, and the sight of way too many naked boobs bouncing around. Definitely not his kind of party. Not that Kendall and the BTR boys were perfect little angels. They drank...sometimes James would smoke a few cigarettes...they liked to party. But they were still Minnesota boys at heart, and they had their limitations. Depressed, anorexic actresses desperately seeking attention and the arrogant closet cases who only used and abused them were definitely over the limit.<p>

He scanned the entire living room, but Jo was nowhere to be seen. He was none too surprised, of course, but a little bit of him hoped, for her sake, that she might have taken heed of the promise she herself had made to him. She didn't have to clean herself up for him - just cleaning herself up period would have made a huge difference for her, and then maybe her life wouldn't have been so sucky. But alas, he had to keep reminding himself that he couldn't keep hiding behind his need to protect her. And besides, if he was going to find what he thought he was going to find at this party, then she was beyond his protection.

Because being bothered and harassed at this shindig was the last thing Kendall wanted, he kind of stalked around the room with his head low, trying to remain incognito. He recognized many of the faces, and none of them belonged to people he particularly wanted to chit chat with tonight. These were the people who'd managed to take sweet, innocent Gretchen from North Carolina and turn her into bitchy, moody Jo, and Kendall just plain disliked them all. He was just about to escape into the kitchen, but then...

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at you, Kendall Knight," Savannah purred as Kendall turned to face her.

Great. Just fucking great, he thought.

"Hey," he said, hoping she'd float away on the cloud of smoke she'd come in on.

Always a handsy one, she couldn't resist the urge to reach out and touch his face, to which he responded with a quick step back.

"No, no," he tried to say politely. "You know I don't like that."

"I can make you like it," she said. She punctuated it with a smile, but there was something creepy in her tone.

"Uh...I don't think so," Kendall quickly denied. "Listen, have you seen Jo?"

Savannah rolled her eyes. "Have YOU seen Jo? She looks like a cow, and I don't know why you're still with her when you could be with me..."

"Yeah, well...can you just tell me where she is? Maybe she went out on the beach or..."

Savannah kept a hand on his arm, disappointed in her failure to capture his attention, but that disappointment only fueled her enjoyment. "Oh please. You know where she is, and you know what she's doing. She's having a good time doing bad things..."

Kendall's eyes narrowed on her, and he jerked his arm away. She smirked, nodded, and went on to her next victim, satisfied in knowing that she'd just pissed in his Cheerios.

Kendall glanced at the staircase, which stood only a few feet away, and he could immediately feel his body tense up. He'd been to enough of these parties with Jo to know just how everything operated, and he felt he had a pretty solid idea of what was going on upstairs. There would always be a room set aside for certain activities...there'd always be a circle in that room, and there'd always be all of the makings of a pharmacy sprawled out in the middle of that circle. Pills and pot and powder and the equipment necessary to get the most out of it all. Some blades for cutting, some drinks for dulling the senses. There would be a bed, where desperate guys would take advantage of unstable girls, and at the end of the night, they'd all exit like zombies, go home, and pretend like it had never happened. He'd only seen it once when Jo'd tried to get him to partake in the festivities, but his negative reaction had been enough for her to never try to include him again.

Any time Kendall accompanied Jo to one of these parties, she'd never go upstairs - at all. But any time he didn't go with her, that was when he'd hear all the stories of all of the "crazy" things Jo had done. So, if history was any indication, the motivation that Kendall needed to stop caring about her was resting just above his head.

And so, with his stomach tossing and his hands getting sweaty and the beat of the music vibrating through his body, he began to ascend the stairs.

He tried to take his thoughts away from the various problems that were plaguing him. Here he was, ready to find his girlfriend sprawled out on the floor of some room, her head pumped with drugs and other druggies pawing all over her body. And after he found her, he'd tell her that he was leaving her for his best friend, a guy. And then he'd go home and probably stall and stall and stall in misery for days until he had the guts to face Logan. His life was definitely not one to be envied.

He stood in the middle of the upstairs hallway. He could see smoke coming from the room at the end of the right side of the hall, and he had to ask no questions about what was going on. He took a few steps. Did he really need to see it, though? Did he really need to walk in and watch as she lay there like she was in some drug-induced coma? He knew she was in there, and Savannah had told him she was in there...was it necessary for him to see it and feel humiliated? But then he looked down at the floor, where a familiar pair of red-and-black Louboutins were laid like roadkill. He'd spent $800 on those shoes just to make sure Jo had them for Christmas, and there they were...thrown carelessly on the floor. If he hadn't known it already, he knew now that all was as he'd expected it would be in regards to Jo and her "promises."

He rubbed his temples and leaned back against the wall. This was getting too weird and too crazy and too...just too much of everything. All he wanted to do was go home, get into bed, and forget about everything. Forget about Jo and forget about this party, just forget about everything. He didn't even know if he wanted to come clean with Logan and deal with that...wouldn't it have just been easy if he'd given up on it all and decided to move back to Minnesota? He could live all by himself in his grandparents' old cabin, and he'd never have to worry about anything ever again.

You'd worry about Logan, he told himself. You'd miss him every minute of every day, and you'd worry about whether or not he's being treated right by everyone, and you'd wonder if he's able to sleep at night without you being right across the room, and you'd worry about whether or not he found someone to take your place, and you...you...you'd be a complete and total mess without him with you. Even right now, with Jo showing you just how much she "cares" about you, all you really need is for Logan to tell you that it'll be all right.

All of the thinking about Jo had clouded up his mind so much that he could barely remind himself that this would all be worth it in the end.

Logan.

This is about me and him, he reminded himself.

And maybe he did need that reminder. He needed to remember that Jo was just a road block...all of her problems and baggage...they were all obstacles. She wasn't waiting at the end of the rainbow. A lifetime with her wasn't the grand prize. There was still a ways to go, but what waited at the end...the real prize...the jackpot...it was worth every wrong turn he'd made in his life. It was Logan, and just the thought of him made Kendall's breathing calm just a little. He tried to picture Logan's smile...the twinkle in Logan's eye and the dimple in his cheek. The little bit of chubbiness on his neck that Kendall had had the guts to kiss one night...the shape of Logan's body, the one that had always given Kendall the strength to take the high note just a little higher...and the sound of Logan's voice as it whispered in his ear that he'd never leave. He tried to smell Logan's cologne and the way it would tickle him and...he imagined it so hard that it was as if he could really smell it. It was soft, yet masculine...vulnerable, but with a hidden strength...cold and guarded at first, but then warm and inviting and friendly...it was love and lust...and it was late, late nights...it was the kind of aroma that would forever be married to the sounds of a love song and the feeling of an orgasm.

It was real.

Kendall's eyes popped open, and he could suddenly feel it.

He's here, he thought to himself. He's in this house. Right now.

He furrowed his brow, looking in both directions as if Logan would just casually stroll up to him out of thin air. But the smell...it was so real!

He began to follow the trace. It got stronger and stronger the further he went down the hall. If he'd thought about it, he would have figured that there was absolutely no way in hell that Logan would end up at a party like this...he would have thought that he was losing his mind or that it was just someone else wearing the same cologne...he would have thought that he was going crazy! But none of those thoughts crossed his mind as the scent brought him to a door in the middle of the hall. He eyed it for second. There was nothing physically distinctive about it. There was no sign, and there wasn't even a little crack opened...and that smell of Logan's cologne wasn't that much stronger by this door...but somehow, Kendall just knew that this was the one. He had to open it, and he had to see what was behind it.

He twisted the knob.

"Logan?" he called out when the door opened. And there was Logan, all alone, sitting on the floor in front of the TV.

"Kendall!" Logan exclaimed, turning from the TV in shock. His mouth dropped as he jumped to his feet. "Wh-what...what are you doing here?"

"Logan..." Kendall repeated, this time with relief in his voice. That's right...even when he had nothing else in the world...he had Logan. Logan was always there – even when there seemed to be absolutely no explanation in the world for why he was there. Kendall crossed the room and reached out a hand, taking Logan's in his. "Logan..." he said, his eyes meeting with the other boy's. "I...I..."

And he was just about to do it...he was just about to grab him and press their lips together. Because he suddenly felt like he could do it. He felt that kissing Logan in this moment was the most right thing in the world. Nothing else made sense but a kiss, and it didn't even matter if the door was still open or that Jo was spaced out across the hall. None of it mattered, and all Kendall wanted to do was make love to him right there on that bed.

But then his greatest fear materialized in front of him.

"What's going on, stud?" Trey asked as he came in from the bathroom in only his skimpy pair of shorts.

Kendall's heart skipped a beat as he looked at Trey. Logan, so confused and just not sure of anything anymore, looked from boy to boy, taking note of the horrified look on Kendall's face.

"Kendall, no!" Logan exclaimed. "It's not what it looks like!"

Kendall caught his breath, and he let go of Logan's hands. He looked Logan in the eye. "Logan...I'm...I'm sorry," he said, slowly backing away. "I'm...I'm sorry..."

Logan was paralyzed by Kendall's eyes. He knew it was time...he knew that all of his years of waiting were finally about to be paid off...he knew that this was the moment in which it would happen. Kendall would kiss him and own their love, and they'd begin their journey together. But Kendall was backing away! He was leaving!

"Wait..." Trey said, realizing what was going on. "Dude, no, this is soooo not what you think it is..."

Kendall just started shaking his head. It was just the way he'd feared it would be...all of the nightmares he'd had were right there in front of him. Logan with another guy...Logan alone with another guy...Logan being loved by another guy...and maybe he was overreacting, and maybe he should have gotten the whole story before jumping to conclusions, but in his heart, he knew that if Logan and this random guy in the lime green shorts were doing something in this room, then it was their right. He'd pulled Logan along for how long? If Logan was ready to move on, then Kendall would have to let him go. He owed him that much, right?

"I'm...I'm...I'm gonna leave now," Kendall said as he turned for the door.

"Kendall, no!" Logan exclaimed. "I love you!" Overwhelmed by all that had happened in just a matter of seconds, he turned to Trey for an answer.

"Oh, hell no!" Trey refused. "Don't look at me. Follow him, damnit! Remember what I told you!"

And as he watched Logan dart out the room and then down the stairs, Trey couldn't help but smile.

* * *

><p>"Kendall, please...please...you have to understand me!" Logan pleaded as Kendall kept walking, each step make a deeper imprint in the sand and getting him closer and closer to the rolling waves of the ocean.<p>

But he couldn't just unthink what he'd seen. He couldn't just erase everything he thought would happen if he'd taken too long to pull himself together and just be honest and true. It was too heartbreaking...much worse than anything he would have seen had he opened the door to the smoky room. He knew what Jo was into...he knew what she was capable of, and he knew that she wouldn't have cared – not in the moment, at least – if he'd walked in and saw her strung out. But Logan was different. Even though he'd had his nightmares, he never thought that Logan would ever have it in him to be with someone else...he didn't think that Logan was capable of forgetting about him. Hell, he'd made sure over and over again to keep the ambiguous nature of their friendship wide open. That was why he'd always called Logan gorgeous...that was why he'd always hugged him a little longer than what was necessary...that was why he'd slept in the bed with him, and it was why he almost kissed him. He just needed to make sure Logan would never get over him...he needed to know that Logan would always be waiting for him.

And now as he stood at the brink of the sea, he turned around, tears streaming down his face, and there he was. Logan...as he had always been...as he would always be...there for Kendall when the stakes were high.

Logan's mind was no more eased than Kendall's. Of course, this moment felt so much like many other moments...those high-wire moments where Logan was ready to take Kendall's hand and jump off the ledge, but then Kendall would pull away at the very last second, leaving Logan to fall all on his own. And if Logan had really meant it about getting over Kendall – moving on, getting out, meeting people, and all of the little slogans Dr. Riley had prescribed – then maybe he would have just turned around and walked away, leaving this confused, depressed, and, frankly, fucked up young man behind. But Logan would never.

"Kendall," he began, catching his breath after practically running all the way from the house. "I don't know what you thought was going on, but I swear to you on my life and on your life and on...on everything...it was nothing! It was nothing! I could never do anything with anybody who wasn't you! Kendall..." He hiccuped...he searched the stars for the strength to say the words...and he shook his head violently as the so-called self-control struggled to keep his emotions chained up. "Kendall, I love you. I love you! And I'd never do anything with anybody else because the only person I want is you! You're the only person I ever wanted!"

"What about Camille?" Kendall asked vindictively, but that wasn't his intention. He didn't want to sound mean, he didn't want to sound horrible...he just needed to believe that he had a right to be mean and horrible, because then he could back out of this and put it to bed and go back to his "normal" life without having to deal.

"You know Camille meant nothing!" Logan yelled back at him, but he was so far from angry. His eyes were reaching out for Kendall, and so was his heart. "She meant nothing to me! No one has ever meant anything to me except for you!"

And, like an earthquake and volcano rolled into one big lethal combination, Kendall fell to the ground, and the tears began to flow like crazy. Logan, feeling his knees get weak, fell down to, and they both knelt before each other, falling into each other and supporting each other with their arms. Logan rubbed his hands through Kendall's hair and pulled him into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry," Kendall cried into Logan's shoulder. "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry...for everything. For everything."

"I'm sorry, too," Logan said, feeling the contagion as his own eyes began to water. "I'm sorry, too."

The tremors in their bodies began to subside, and the sounds of their breathing and tears grew softer and softer, until the great Pacific was again dominant.

Their feelings became one, and they both broke the hug at the same time. Their arms didn't disconnect, though. Not a chance. They just needed to look at each other. The eyes. The brown eyes. The green eyes. Chocolate. Emerald. The sand...the grass.

"I love you," Kendall said. Not in a whisper, but not too loud. The only person who needed to hear the words was right there in front of him.

"Kendall," Logan said, mildly in protest, for it was his natural reaction to hinder Kendall's risk-taking...for it was his natural reaction to stop Kendall from doing something that would prevent him from ever being "normal." But before he could ask if this was what Kendall really wanted to do...before he could plant those seeds of doubt...

Kendall moved closer. And closer. And closer. And he licked his lips, and he closed his eyes, and he pressed his mouth against Logan's.

And they kissed. Their lips met, their tongues danced, their hearts beat faster, their brains spun out of control, their bodies trembled, their nerves shook, and their cocks got hard.

Logan grabbed on tightly to Kendall's body. Now that he had him...now that he had Kendall Knight in his arms...he wasn't going to let him go.

* * *

><p>Jo walked down the stairs. She felt strange...extremely strange, and not at all the way she'd hoped to feel when she'd gone into the room. For some reason...the pills she'd taken...the pot she'd smoked...even the few little stabs at her wrist that she'd taken...they had done absolutely nothing for her. Not a single thing. She felt no cooler or calmer or more collected than she had when she'd gone up those stairs at the beginning of the night.<p>

Am I finished with this...finally? she asked herself as she scanned the room.

The rest of the smoky room gang had gotten their usual jollies from their boozing and drug abusing, but Jo had been a buzzkill the whole time, and now she was back downstairs with the kids who only thought they were having a good time. The only thing she felt was sickness, as if she was going to vomit right in the middle of the room.

To make matters worse, Savannah showed up with a shit-eating grin on her face. "Kendall was looking for you," she said slyly.

Jo's ears perked up very quickly at that. "What? He was here? Where is he?"

"I told him you were upstairs," she replied with a smirk.

Jo's eyes widened. "Oh my God, why in the hell did you do that!"

"He asked where you were..."

Jo began to push her way through the crowd. "Where did he go?"

"Don't bother," said Trey, whose shoulder Jo ran smack into. "Don't even."

"Trey!" Jo exclaimed. "Where...where is Logan? I saw you two upstairs!"

"Right," he said. "And now he's downstairs. And outside. And on the beach. With Kendall."

"WHAT?"

"You heard," Trey told her with an epic side-eye. "Listen to me. I don't appreciate being used in your silly little games. Fuckin' Gretchen."

He turned away from her and went on about his business, but she had no time to figure out what he meant. Everything had been coming together for her just hours earlier, and now they were falling apart, and...good lord, if Trey meant what she thought he meant...then it was all over. Everything was over.

No, she tried to convince herself as she went for the front door. Kendall would never love Logan...not like that. Kendall isn't gay! He's straight, and he loves me! He thinks I'm beautiful! He thinks I'm amazing! He told me so himself! He told me that I'm pretty and that I'm sweet and that I'm the greatest girl in the world! He told me he'd never leave me! He told me he'd always be there for me! I...I told him everything about me, and he still loves me! He can't leave me! Never!

But she saw it. She couldn't miss it, for her eyes knew exactly where to look.

She stood on the pier next to the beach house. And she saw it.

Kendall Knight, the first boy who'd ever really loved her...the only one, actually. The person who'd made her come alive for the first time.

He was kissing Logan Mitchell. And they were in love.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Oh, it's soooo not over yet, guys! There will be more to come soon!


	23. Worth the Wait

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **All right, another long wait, but I had to make the sad decision to put the story on hold for a few weeks in February because I really had to focus my attention on other things. But the story is back, now, and as you'll read in this chapter, it's back with a vengeance! Thanks for your reviews, and I hope you enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE<strong>

James and Carlos sat quietly in their room. Yes, quietly. As wild and rambunctious as they could be throughout the day, they both had this great ability to calm it down by nightfall. This was what made them such a great songwriting duo. Carlos would sit on the edge of his bed, abusing his knees as he patted and slapped and pounded out the perfect rhythm, while James would be tucked in his own bed, writing and scribbling and drawing out all of the perfect lyrics.

Such was the case on this night, and all was going as normal, but Carlos was finding it hard to concentrate. He tried to jot down a few measures of melody, but the notes kept getting lost in his head. His thoughts kept turning away from his work and toward something else, and it was getting quite annoying. He glanced over at James, who seemed to be completely in the zone, and it made him feel even more inadequate.

Logan and Kendall. Fuck, he thought as he slapped his knee to vent his frustration. Why can't I get them out of my freaking head?

But Carlos didn't realize that James only seemed to be in the zone. He, too, was finding it hard to stay focused on writing words of teenage love and adolescent dreams. As long as he could hear Carlos patting and slapping away, though, he kept his eyes on his notebook. So what if the words written there went a little something like this:

"Eye to eye, we're dancing in the storm, going our own way and making it through; you and me, we're meant to be, no matter what they say to us; you and me, forever we'll be, and they can't take that away from us."

He didn't know what they meant or where they came from, but at the same time...yeah, he knew. He knew, all right, and even though he felt weird writing a song about how he truly thought two of his best friends felt for each other, he couldn't stop. The words just kept flowing from his heart and mind down into his fingers, through the pen, and onto the page.

Just as James wrote the last chorus, he could feel Carlos standing over him.

"What?" he asked, quickly hiding the page, but it was too late.

"Those lyrics...they're about them, aren't they?" Carlos asked hesitantly.

"About who?" James replied defensively. He put his notebook aside.

"Them!" Carlos emphasized. "Them...Logan and Kendall. You're writing about them."

"What?" James scoffed. "Why would I be writing about them?" He tried to laugh it off, but he knew he couldn't hide from the truth.

"Because you're just like me...you can't stop thinking about them and what they're going through...because you just KNOW that they're going through exactly what we've been thinking that they're going through. And it's killing you, just like it's killing me."

James looked up at him, and he couldn't keep the look of cynicism in his eyes. It quickly melted to show his true feelings, his true thoughts...that real, sincere air of friendship that confirmed Carlos's suspicions.

It was rare that Carlos would be the one to comfort James, but it happened. He put a calming arm on James's shoulder.

"Come on, let's see if it matches up with the melody I've been writing..."

* * *

><p>Kendall and Logan needed to be alone. Their kiss - the kiss that they'd been working up to for nearly ten years - was only the tip of the iceberg as far as how they felt for each other was concerned. As their lips touched, their bodies did as well, and it was the beginning of a violent show of affection as their hands pulled and squeezed and rubbed on each other. Now that their love was declared, it was time for it to be displayed in the most intimate of ways. All restraints were gone...all of the mental barricades that had stood in their way were gone. There was nothing left to keep them away from each other.<p>

Kendall took Logan by the hand and led him through the sidewalks and streets of Los Angeles until they reached a small, but classy, hotel. Taking the key from the desk clerk, Kendall then led Logan into the elevator, where they stood silently, watching as the numbers on the wall lit up one-by-one. They wouldn't dare look at each other or even so much as acknowledge each other's presence, for it would have been too hard to keep from making love right there on the floor. But their hands were clasped, and they held onto each other as if the world was ending.

They found their room and entered quietly. Kendall turned on the light, and the whole place glowed, but as soon as the door was shut behind them, the environment was irrelevant. It didn't matter that the wall was painted the most exquisite shade of royal blue or that the carpet was made of the finest materials or that each piece of furniture was hand-carved from mahogany or that the bed was made so immaculately that a quarter could bounce off of it. The only thing that had any real meaning or purpose was the concrete love that radiated from the two young men in the room.

Kendall turned to Logan and their eyes met across the room. There was a brief moment of tension...what were they going to do? Were they going to spend the whole night in this room? Where they going to use the bed? What were they doing here? Their breathing was heavy, and their hearts were beating just as intensely, and then they walked to one another, meeting in the center. Kendall took Logan's hands, and they kissed.

"I...I need you," Kendall said to him, and Logan's heart began to beat harder. "I need to have you...I need you to have me."

Logan just nodded shakily. "I want you."

Their eyes were trained on each other, and their pulses were racing. They both knew what they wanted to do...they both knew why they were in this room. They could deal with everything else later. What their parents had to say, what their friends had to say, what Jo had to say, what Gustavo and Griffin had to say...all of that could wait. Before anything else could get in the way...before the drama and the trauma that would surely come their way once they decided to go public with their feelings...they had to have this moment, this night, and this memory.

They kissed again, this time a little longer, and Logan began to back into the bed, making a soft landing on its edge. Kendall slowly worked his way down into a kneeling position, and his hands began to massage Logan's thighs and torso as they continued to make out. Their pace picked up and their movements became quicker as both guys lost their inhibitions little-by-little and gave into their fantasies.

Logan could only stare as Kendall stood up and took off his shirt. This was really happening...it was really happening! Kendall Knight...his best friend...the boy he'd given his heart to...the boy he'd dreamt of being with for so long...was in love with him...and they were going to make love. Logan was overcome with emotion and began to just shake his head, almost welling up with tears again.

"Is something wrong?" Kendall asked, not wanting to push Logan any further than he wanted to go.

"No," Logan quickly answered, shaking his head convincingly. He didn't want this chance to be ruined...he didn't want to turn Kendall away or let this very adult circumstance pass him by. He thought about everything - all of the years of holding back and relying on self-control to keep him in check, all of the years of watching Jo mistreat someone he felt was his and having to stand by silently as Kendall poured his love into someone else - and it lit a spark within him. He didn't want to be the sensitive little lamb that Kendall had to take his time with. No, he wanted to show Kendall that he wanted this just as much as he did and that he, too, could be a lust-filled animal bent on release.

Kendall knelt back down, and Logan took his hand, moving it to his hardening crotch, closing his eyes and letting out a slight moan in the process. "Ahh...Kendall, please...let me...let me...let me fuck you..."

And of course Kendall had always assumed that if they were ever going to do it, he'd be the top and Logan would be the bottom, but hearing Logan make such a request...his sweet, gentle voice declaring such a dirty want...it sent an unexpected shockwave down Kendall's spine, and he knew he couldn't deny him. He began to rub Logan's cock through his jeans, and he reached up for a kiss. This time, however, Logan's tongue took control, and it took Kendall by surprise, but he liked it. There was something about the thought of Logan being a freak under all of his quietness and shyness that turned him on, and he wanted more of it.

"Suck me off," Logan instructed as he unzipped his pants. His hard cock flopped out as soon as the tension of the zipper was gone, and Kendall took a second to stare. He'd never been so close to Logan's cock before, and he'd never realized how big it was. He looked up to Logan's pleading eyes then back down to his cock, and once the connection was made in his mind - this is the guy I love wanting me to make him feel incredible feelings - he spit on it and began to lick it. He'd never given a blowjob before, but he'd seen enough gay porn to know how to do it right.

He licked Logan's sensitive head, making the smaller guy shake a little, but then he took it in his mouth and sucked, which made Logan shriek.

"I'm sorry," Kendall apologized.

"No," Logan said, biting his lower lip. "No, keep doing it."

Kendall took more and more of Logan's inches into his mouth and bobbed up and down slowly and rhythmically until they were moving together in perfect harmony. Logan swung his head back and just reveled in the feeling of Kendall's warm, wet mouth around his hard, throbbing dick. Camille could never do it right...never. Maybe the fact that she was more into putting her tongue on vaginas had something to do with it. But that didn't matter now. All that mattered was the sensation that went through Logan's body every time his dick hit the back of Kendall's mouth. Even the little stabs that came from Kendall's inexperienced teeth didn't hurt...there was too much nirvana for that. And as Kendall kissed down the length of the shaft and licked the fine-haired balls, Logan could feel his insides burning with an uncontrollable passion.

Kendall stood up, working the cock with one hand and trying to get rid of the rest of his clothes with the other. He suddenly felt vulnerable, as if the prospect of Logan popping his cherry first made him the weaker of the two of them, but he didn't care. Part of him felt like he owed it to Logan to let him be the strong one now, anyway. He'd strung him along for so many years that it only felt right that Logan be the one to take charge for a change.

Kendall left Logan's pulsing tool alone for just enough time to take off his pants and reveal the rest of his tanned and muscled body. Logan's dick began to jump at the sight, and Kendall couldn't help but flash a little smirk. Logan returned his smirk with a grin, and it was then irrelevant that this was their first chance to relieve all of the sexual tension they'd been feeling for what seemed like forever - it felt like they were two lovers who'd been making love to each other for their whole lives, but that was Kendall and Logan to a T. They never had to do anything or say anything to each other to know what the other was feeling, and so while they'd never so much as touched each other's cocks before, there was no awkwardness as they were inching closer and closer to fucking for the very first time.

Kendall climbed onto the bed and straddled Logan in his underwear, leaving only a few inches between their faces, eyes, and lips. His eyes said it all. Those devious, up-to-no-good, devilish green eyes said it all. He collapsed on Logan's body, and they rolled over, allowing Logan to finally get rid of his clothes. His shirt landed on the other side of the room, and his shoes just fell right beside the bed. His pants stayed in a nice little pile on the far end of the bed, and then they were both in their underwear.

All of the skin...all of the near-nakedness...it took Logan by surprise, because once again, he had to remind himself he wasn't dreaming.

Their bodies smashed together and bounced off each other, and their lips pressed together, and their fingers went through each other's hair. Hard dicks yearned to break free of their cloth prisons, and hands groped firm asses. Their eyes met, and Kendall ended up on his back with Logan between his legs. The position was so intimate, so indicative of the love that two people could share. Their hearts were beating hard, and their breath was heavy, but they couldn't stop there.

Kendall, the daredevil who always wanted to make the first move, carelessly reached for Logan's underwear and rolled them down, bringing the large dick back to his attention.

Logan, the one who always thought things through and wanted to stay safe, immediately wondered...shouldn't they have some kind of protection? Even in his wildest dreams - and he'd had some wild ones - they'd always use condoms, but now, when it seemed like they were so close to sealing the deal and the nearest mode of protection seemed so far away, was he willing to postpone the seduction for the sake of being safe?

"I trust you," Kendall replied as if he was reading Logan's mind. "I never did anything with Jo without a rubber."

"Same thing with me and Camille."

Kendall nodded. "Well then, I trust you."

Logan hesitated, but he nodded, and he could feel that Kendall's trust was real. This was going to happen...it was going to happen, and nothing was going to stop it.

Kendall slipped off his own underwear, and they were both completely raw. The pressure...the heat...the feelings were just so much. Logan didn't know if he could do this the right way...he didn't know if he was going to make a fool out of himself or make Kendall not want him anymore...he didn't know if Kendall wouldn't stop at the last minute and say that this was wrong, that he needed to be with Jo, and that they needed to forget tonight ever happened. But then he remembered...this was Kendall. This was his Kendall. And Kendall loved him.

He lowered himself and they began to make out, their dicks twitching with every second of contact. Subconsciously, he moved his hand down between Kendall's legs and searched for the opening with his fingers, and once he found it, he slowly pressed on it, getting it ready. He didn't know how or why he knew the proper way to do such things, but he didn't question it. It just felt natural to him, and so he did it. He didn't want to hurt Kendall, no matter how much Kendall might have hurt him in the past. No, he wanted this to be the beautiful thing that it was meant to be.

"Are you sure?" he asked Kendall through hushed tones. In response, Kendall took Logan's hand, sucked on his fingers and then let Logan do the same, and then he pushed the fingers back down to his hole, guiding them inside him and twitching when Logan found his spot. Logan slowly began to penetrate Kendall with the two fingers, not wanting to go too fast but not wanting to be a bore. Maybe he should have let Kendall be the pitcher first...maybe it would have made more sense if Kendall, the usual take-charge guy, took the reins here and showed Logan how it was done...but it was too late for second-guessing.

Kendall purred slowly and lowly as Logan got used to working his hole and massaging his spot, and the soft sounds made Logan's dick even harder, to the point where he felt ready to make sweet love to Kendall. He slid his fingers out and tried his best to open Kendall wide so that the initial thrust didn't hurt. Before he could enter, though, Kendall quickly spit in his own hand and rubbed Logan's dick with it. The confusion on Logan's face prompted Kendall to smile, which came as a surprise to the both of them, and a bit of the tension was gone.

"Be gentle with me, Hortense," Kendall teased, and Logan grinned again, this time going in for another kiss, but while their lips were together, he slowly entered Kendall, and his head fell slightly to the left of Kendall's as he huffed and puffed with each thrust, tapping Kendall's spot each time and making Kendall cry softly with pleasurable pain. Logan sucked on Kendall's neck and dug his nails into the pillow, while little tears streamed from Kendall's eyes. It felt so good to finally have Logan in him, to finally be this way with Logan, to once and for all be connected to Logan forever. With his legs in the air and his arms wrapped around Logan's body, Kendall closed his eyes and wailed as his man fucked him.

Logan's mind began to race. He pictured Jo...he pictured Michelle...he pictured Camille...he pictured Kendall's dad...he pictured Trevor Callahan...he pictured everyone and everything that had tried to deny him Kendall...he pictured his younger self, who had tried to ignore the fact that he was developing a crush on the great Kendall Knight...and more than anything he pictured Kendall. But he didn't have to picture Kendall...all he had to do was open his eyes, and Kendall was there, a look of desire on his face and the gentle sounds of pleasure coming from his mouth. Logan moved faster and faster, each push getting harder and harder, and finally, he could feel his climax approaching.

"I'm ready," he whispered between breaths. "I'm ready...it's coming..."

"Come inside me," Kendall told him, as if he was training him on how to fuck properly. "Own me...mark me..."

The words rang through Logan's head. He remembered them from his dream, he remembered the feeling of Kendall's seed being implanted inside him, and he also remembered the empty feeling he felt when Kendall left him. But the roles were reversed now. He would be doing the planting, but he'd never leave Kendall. Never. He'd promised him years ago that he'd never leave, and so he went for it. He let the eruption come...he let the passion explode...he let the fireworks go off, and he let the storm rage.

"Oh, Kendall! Kendall! Kendall!"

"Logan...fuck...Logan...ahhh..."

They came at the same time, and it produced a symphony of feelings and emotions. Kendall could feel each injection of Logan's hot, sticky cum as it shot inside him, just as he could feel his own juice as it exited him and hit Logan's chest. Logan could feel Kendall's spurts on his body, and it only made him want to dig deeper into him, even as he was now spent and his cock was going limp. He gave up on trying to do a repeat performance and let his cock slip out of Kendall's aching hole, the cum still dripping out. He fell on Kendall, and they got back to their making out. They were a heaving, breathing, sweaty heap of primal flesh, and their spirits couldn't have been at a more optimal high.

Logan finally released the pressure and rolled over to Kendall's side, holding onto his chest and finding a comfortable spot nestled in his arms. As their breathing subsided and his senses returned to normal, he once again had to remind himself...this was real! Real! Not a dream. Not fake. Not a cruel joke played on him by the dream fairies. It was real! It was as real as Kendall's breathing in his ear and as real as the cum he left inside Kendall and as real as the vanilla-scented air freshener that automatically sprayed the room every ten minutes.

Kendall's entire body ached. It hurt like hell...it was excruciating pain. But he loved every fucking second of it, and he wanted more, more, more. Oh, how he wished he had the strength to place himself on top of Logan, to make Logan get erect again so that he could ride him all night. It was the first time he'd ever been fucked by a guy, but he was already addicted. And what's more, he knew it wasn't the simple concept of having a dick in him that he wanted to get drunk off of. No, it was Logan's dick only that he wanted and needed, for when it wasn't about sex, when it wasn't about giving into those urges, it was Logan who he wanted and needed for everything else. He wanted Logan for life, and if he couldn't have him, he couldn't live. As much as he hated himself for putting this off for so long, he knew it was well worth the wait. He just kept repeating in his head..."this is the beginning." The beginning of what, though? Would he and Logan just be together, and then everyone would be happy for them, and that would be it? Or would they have to deal with all of the drama that Kendall always knew they'd have to deal with? And what if the drama was too much, and what if the drama made them break apart...

The thought made him pull Logan in closer to him, and Logan could breathe a sigh of relief. He'd been so worried the whole walk from the beach to the hotel. Kendall wouldn't speak to him...Kendall wouldn't even look at him...and he just knew that it had all been too good to be true. They might have kissed on the beach and let things go a little too far there, but as soon as Kendall would get his head back on straight, things would go back to the way it had been. Just like things had gone back to normal all the other times they'd let themselves get too carried away.

But now...with his mark in Kendall...with Kendall's arms around him in this bed now...Logan knew it wasn't going to end. Not anytime soon, at least. And not if he had anything to say about it. He knew he now had this opportunity to show Kendall that their love was never anything to be afraid or ashamed of...he knew he now had to be strong enough for the both of them. He knew they'd have obstacles, but he knew they could get through them. No matter how much doubt came into his mind, Logan just knew that they'd get by. They loved each other too much for there to be any other outcome. They'd been through too much for too long for it to just end now.

"I...have wanted you...to be with me...to really be with me...for so long..." Kendall suddenly said slowly and meticulously.

"I want to be with you," Logan replied calmly.

"Remember...in the fourth grade?" Kendall began. "Ms. Martin's class...the first day of school."

"You stole my book," said Logan.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about that, by the way" Kendall chuckled.

Logan laughed. "It's okay, I promise."

"I, um...well, I guess I kinda wanted you then."

"Please, Kendall, we were only ten years old. We were kids...we didn't know anything about anything..."

"Yeah, I know, but...eh, I don't know."

But Kendall felt it in his heart that he really HAD wanted Logan back then. He might have only had ten-year-old feelings then, but those feelings had just been the seed that grew into the tree that was the way he felt about Logan now.

"When we were fifteen, and...you know...when we slept at the cabin..."

"I know, Kendall."

Kendall looked at him. "No, Logan, no...I...wanted you then. I just...you don't know how much I wanted to kiss you and touch you and...and not just then. Like...every single second of every single day..."

"But you were scared."

"Yeah, that was just a lame excuse."

"Kendall, your dad could be tense sometimes! I know that he used to hit you, and -"

Logan choked a bit as he could see the very tangible memories have their effect on Kendall. But then Kendall took a deep breath and gathered himself together.

"Well, he's not here anymore, so I don't have any excuses anymore. The second he left, I should have told you...I should have showed you."

"You were still scared."

Kendall shook his head. "You keep acting like it was okay for me to just treat you like shit. You should be pissed off...you should hate me!"

"Well, Kendall..." Logan kinda said in a low whisper. "I was pissed off...and I did hate you...but then tonight happened...and all of that went away."

Touched by Logan's words, Kendall felt a wave of heat flush over him. It was similar to guilt, but it was the type of guilt that came from the realization that you've underestimated the strength of the person you've hurt.

"Why did you wait?" Kendall asked. "You could have gotten with anyone else a long time ago, even a guy...but you never did."

Their eyes were intent on each other.

"I never wanted anyone else," Logan explained slowly and emotionally. "I...I never wanted anyone else but you."

And Kendall could see the loyalty and the love as it oozed out of Logan's pores, as it colored his skin, as it rested in his hair, and as it powered his every movement. But the guilt returned.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you," he said, shaking his head in disbelief.

Logan's voice intoned like a church bell. "You helped me come alive. You made me realize that I was worth something to the world. You helped me see that I was someone special, that I wasn't all of the things that the other kids called me. You made me feel like I mattered to someone, and you never ever ever stopped making me feel that way."

Kendall looked at him again with drowsy eyes. "All I was doing was being your friend."

"I know," Logan said, putting his head down low. He felt a little ashamed...it was the truth, all Kendall had ever done was try to be his friend. Did he ever make Logan love him? "And maybe I got carried away somewhere...when we grew up and I was supposed to be thinking about girls, I couldn't stop thinking about you instead...I just wanted you."

"It's not your fault," Kendall said. "I should have stopped it before it went too far. I knew how you felt, but I figured it would just go away. But then I started feeling the same way, and by then it was too late." He gulped a little. "Logan, no matter what you might think, you did more for me than I ever did for you. Do you realize how broken I was? Do you realize how hard it was for me to deal with my dad and his crap and then try to be what everybody else wanted me to be? You just wanted me to be me...me being me was enough for you, and you never wanted me to be anything more than that. And for the first time, I felt like I could do anything I wanted to do. I could be the best hockey player, I could be the best singer, I could be the best dancer, and I always knew that you'd look at me and be proud of me...and I knew I could never fail in your eyes."

"Kendall..." Logan soothed.

"Logan, I'm sorry, okay? I'm just...I'm sorry for taking so long."

"Don't apologize. You just needed time."

"Yeah."

Their conversation faded into a graceful pause, becoming lost in the nearby sounds of the LA nightlife. They both looked through the large windows out at the night sky. Millions of stars, but they knew that there were two up there that belonged just to them, and without saying a word, they found those two stars and gazed at them. Tonight, they seemed closer than they'd ever been before.

"I can't believe this finally happened," Kendall said, as if he could finally let himself let go of all the tension and worry. "Finally..."

"I know," Logan replied, his own dimples coming out. "It took us a while, but we're here."

"And you know what else?" Kendall asked dreamily as he turned to Logan. "I don't know what's gonna happen next...bad things, good things, whatever...I don't know what's gonna happen, and I don't care. I just do not care anymore."

Logan's smile got bigger, and Kendall fed off of his growing enthusiasm. "All I need and all I want is lying in this bed with me, and that's all that matters. You, Logan. Just you."

"Oh, Kendall..." Logan swooned a little, trying not to sound like a little girl. He blushed.

"I mean it," Kendall said. "We...we've wasted way too much time. Way too much. I don't care about what this person's gonna think or that person. To hell with them! We can say 'fuck off' to everybody and just go and be together somewhere else. We can get a cabin-"

"On a mountain!"

"Yes! And it'll just be me and you."

Logan's weak little tear ducts began to well up, but he didn't want to cry. He didn't want it to be that type of thing...he just wanted to throw everything into the wind and float away with the boy he loved.

"Kendall, I...I love you."

"I know," Kendall nodded, never once letting his eyes leave Logan's. "And I love you, too."

Kendall's infectious smile wouldn't go away, and he did the only thing that felt right. He kissed Logan, and when they parted this time, they could only laugh.

"I feel like my body's covered in sand, sweat, and...your little mess that you made," Logan remarked, brushing his hair with his hands. "I need a shower."

"I can join you in that shower, you know," Kendall needled, reaching down and giving Logan's dick a tug.

"And I'd never get clean with you in there," Logan laughed.

"True. You go ahead and take your shower, and then I'll take mine, and I guess we can head back home."

Logan slipped out of bed, stark naked, and Kendall watched as his perky ass jiggled across to the bathroom.

"Next time, I'm tearing you up, Hortense," he retorted.

"Oh, really!"

While Logan started his shower, Kendall tried to gather up their clothes the best he could and shake any residual sand out of them, but then his phone began to ring. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled it out, and there was his mother's number flashing across the screen.

"Mom, I know it's late," he began when he answered the phone, prepared to come up with some bullshit excuse for why he was out way later than he'd told her he'd be.

"Kendall, you need to get here right away!"

"I know, Mom, I just got tied up-"

"Something horrible as happened!"

"Wait, what!"

"The ambulance just left."

"What ambulance? Mom, what happened? Is Katie okay?"

"Your sister is fine, Kendall. It's Jo! Mr. Bitters found her in her apartment...she almost bled to death! They...they think she tried to kill herself."

Kendall's jaw dropped, but he shouldn't have been the least bit surprised, right? Hadn't she told him many, many times that this would happen? Hadn't she given him fair warning that if he ever broke her heart, she'd end her own life? He had no right to be surprised, did he?

"Oh my God...what hospital?"

"LA County General."

"Okay, okay," he said as he began to search around for his shoes. He looked down at his own cum as it dripped from his chest, and he immediately felt like scum. His girlfriend was about to die, and he was here, not giving a single damn about her, technically cheating on her, and getting ready to throw her away forever.

"I'm gonna be there," he said. "I'm gonna be there for her."

He hung up the phone, and he carelessly used the bed sheets to wipe the cum off of his body. He knew he wouldn't be able to get it all off, and he'd probably have to explain to someone where he'd been, but there were now too many things going on in his head for him to care. He got into his clothes and laced up his shoes, but then he remembered Logan in the bathroom, and it was like he'd come to a fork in the road.

"Logan," he said when he poked his head into the bathroom.

"Kendall, your clothes," Logan commented. "You're not going to take a shower?"

"Logan, I have to go...like...now. Jo's in the hospital. They think she tried to kill herself."

Logan was shocked. "Oh my God...do you think she knows?"

"I don't know, but I have to get to her."

Logan just nodded his head. "Yeah...just...just give me a few minutes to dry off and get dressed."

"No," Kendall said, shaking his head. "This is something I have to do alone. Please, Logan...tell me you understand."

"I understand!" Logan exclaimed, but he could still feel something inside him being let down. "Go!"

Kendall paused for a moment, wanting to be sure that Logan understood that this didn't have to mean anything about the two of them. He stepped in and kissed Logan on the lips. "I love you. I mean that. And nothing is going to change that."

Logan nodded, and just like that, Kendall was gone.

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror. No clothes. Completely naked. Literally and figuratively. Everything he felt was now out in the open, but still he felt as if there was a hill to climb, or maybe a mountain. There was still work to be done...but the worst of it was over, wasn't it? He kept reminding himself...I just made love to Kendall, he said to himself, I just had him in my arms, and I made love to him, and he wanted me to, and it was magical, and it was...incredible.

But now he's gone to be with her, he thought.

He knew he shouldn't be so selfish. He knew that he and Kendall couldn't just be together that easily, that there were things they had to go through first and that this would be one of them, but at the same time...he couldn't help but feel worried. Was Jo so powerful that she could make Kendall forget about everything that had happened this night? He didn't know.

Not allowing his mind to go overboard with paranoia any longer, Logan went back into the room and began to get dressed.

It was real, he kept thinking to himself. It was real, and it is real.

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> What, you thought it was gonna be happily ever after from there on out? More drama to come!


	24. Torment

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** OK, so here's the deal. I'm FINALLY finished with this nightmare of a semester (for the most part...still some days left, but all of the hard work is in the past!), so I can finally get back to writing this. I have missed it TREMENDOUSLY. I can't wait to finish it and move on to the other two stories I started a few months ago. Anyway, this is a VERY short chapter. I was eager to get back to writing, but I wanted to put something out just to let you guys know that the story's still here and I haven't abandoned it. It's very short, nothing really happens, but I just wanted to post SOMETHING. The next big update will be coming within a week, guys, I PROMISE! Thanks to all of you who messaged and what-not while the story was on hiatus. Nice to know you all are still out there and waiting!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 24<strong>

Logan slowly twist the doorknob of Apartment 2J. The Palm Woods was eerily quiet tonight. Of course, it was late, but the only thing going through his mind was that something horrible had happened.

Something horrible did happen, he reminded himself. Jo killed herself. She didn't just "try" to do it; she actually did it!

He knew that at any minute, he'd be getting the call from Kendall letting him know that Jo was dead and that it was both their faults and that it was only proof that they shouldn't be together, that being "happy" and "normal" was what they were supposed to be all along.

The apartment was just as still as the rest of the building. He suspected Mrs. Knight was at the hospital, so the pain of facing her could be avoided. If Carlos and James were at home, he hoped they were asleep so that he could just slip into his room and go to sleep as well. Heh. As if he'd ever get to that point. No, he'd lie awake in his bed, staring at the other side of the room, trying his hardest to relive the feeling of rhapsody that had been making love to Kendall. He felt a weird combination of brave and bold and stupid for wanting to fuck Kendall instead of the other way around. He needed Kendall in him...he needed to feel like Kendall owned him, like Kendall would protect him and take care of him and be his rock. As incredible it felt to be in Kendall and to take charge, he knew that it wouldn't really feel real at all until he had Kendall in him.

You're thinking of this as his girlfriend lies dying in the hospital, he scolded himself, feeling filthy and bad.

He went into their room and quietly closed the door behind him. His shower had left him feeling fresh and clean, but he was just so tired and weak after everything that had happened in the previous few hours. He decided to just collapse onto his bed without changing clothes or even turning on the light, but when he fell, it wasn't the mattress that he hit.

"Ow! Shit!"

"Carlos!" Logan exclaimed, scared out of his skin. "What are you doing here? Why are you in my bed?"

He bounced back up and went for the light switch. There was Carlos, curled up in a ball on his bed, shaking the sleep out of his eyes.

"I don't know," he sighed, shaking his head. "I..."

"What the hell!" Logan spat, trying to work up some anger, trying to direct all of the negative feelings he'd been feeling about this whole situation at something tangible. "Get up!"

Suddenly, James was barging into the room, and Logan was even more pissed. "Oh my God, really? Can I get any kind of privacy around here?" he asked.

"Dude," James began, as he placed a stabilizing arm on Logan's shoulder. "Just chill out. He fell asleep there, and I decided not to wake him up. I was going to tell you when you got home, but I didn't hear you."

"Because I was trying to stay quiet," Logan retorted. "I was trying to respect you guys, but clearly, you have no respect for me."

James and Carlos exchanged a look over Logan's shoulder, as if they were getting even more evidence that they could use in their investigation into whatever it was they thought they were finding out.

"What were you even doing in here in the first place? From the very beginning, the rule has been that no one goes into someone else's room without permission from that someone else."

"Yeah, well, we kinda thought that this was sort of an emergency, and if you shut up and listen for a minute, you'll understand why," James replied, getting firm. "Something happened with Jo."

Logan quieted down and turned away from him, pretending to suddenly care all about the way his trophies were lined up on his nightstand. "I know."

"You do?" Carlos asked as he slid out of the bed and onto his feet.

"Yes."

"Well then you know how crazy the whole thing is!" Carlos replied.

James shut Carlos up with a quick jab to the arm. "How do you know?" he asked Logan.

Logan sighed and answered carefully. "Kendall is my best friend, you know," he said petulantly. "He does tell me everything, you know."

"You were with him when he found out, weren't you?" James asked in a straight-forward, controlled voice, determined to finally get some real answers. It wasn't the fact that they might have been sleeping together or just seeing each other...it was the fact that Logan wouldn't just come right out and say it.

Logan's eyes darted around for an answer. What was James trying to imply?

"Yeah, we...we were at a party. Look, what does any of this have to do with the fact that the two of you were in my room?"

"When we found out about Jo," Carlos began, "the police wanted to know if there was any reason why she might have...you know...done what she did. They wanted to know if maybe she and Kendall were having problems, so Mrs. Knight told us to search his side of the room."

"Yes," James added. "Carlos didn't want to, so he sat and watched while I did, and he sorta fell asleep in your bed."

"Oh," Logan replied. He lined his trophies up perfectly. All academic prizes, of course, and two hockey ones. "Well..."

They stood in silence for a while. Logan's back was still turned to the others, and he felt that the second he faced them, their eyes would scald him like boiling hot water, making him disintegrate into nothingness. Carlos and James were too busy making faces at each other, though, trying to figure out the best way to keep going with this golden opportunity they had to get the truth. Carlos shook his head, not wanting to push Logan at this moment, but James was adamant.

"Are there...any reasons...that you know of...for why Jo would do something like this...?" he asked choppily, hoping that Logan would bite.

Logan took a deep, deep inhale and a slow, slow exhale. "I don't know." He then turned to them. "Look, guys, I don't want to talk about it. It's depressing enough as it is...and I don't think Kendall would appreciate us sitting here, talking about him behind his back like this. Tomorrow, we'll probably find out that it was all a big accident, right?"

"I don't know," Carlos said. "You didn't see the cuts-" But James stopped him from speaking.

"You know what? You're right," James said to Logan. "You're absolutely right. Why don't you get yourself some sleep, we'll go and get ourselves some sleep, and in the morning, it'll be a brand new day."

"Good. Good...I'm glad you see it my way."

James led Carlos out of the room, closing the door behind them, and Logan hit the light switch. He plopped down on the bed and tried to force every ounce of tension out of his body, but that wasn't happening. He got onto his back, closed his eyes and prayed for unconsciousness.

There had been something about James's questions. It had felt like he'd known exactly what was going on and exactly why Jo'd done what she'd done and where Logan and Kendall had been when they'd found out about it. But before Logan could think too much about it, his prayers came true, and he was soon snoring softly in his empty room. But the room didn't feel too empty to him. Though Kendall was miles away, he could still feel him...he could smell him on his own clothes...and he could still taste him on his own lips.

* * *

><p>Torment was once again in Kendall Knight's life. No, tonight couldn't have just ended with him and Logan making love and falling asleep in each other's arms. No, it couldn't have just been the beginning of a whole new life for him. Oh, no. No, no, no. There had to be drama. There had to be stress. There had to be shit for him to deal with. And he hated it.<p>

He was perched on a chair next to Jo's bed. Her EKG beeped constantly and clearly as a reminder that she wasn't going anywhere. Each beep was separate and strong on its own, and each beep pierced his eardrums.

Of course, he shouldn't have been the least bit surprised that he was here and that this was the situation. She'd always said she would kill herself if he left her. Well, she had reason to believe he was going to leave her, and here she was, deep gashes in her wrists. She wasn't dead - beep! beep! beep! beep! - but her face was devoid of color, her hair wrapped up in a bandana, and her lips dry and cracked. It was his worst nightmare come true.

His mother returned to the room with a small cup of coffee. She sat next to him and rubbed his back, holding the cup to his mouth.

"She's so beautiful," she whispered as she watched Jo's peaceful body.

"I know," Kendall agreed.

But I hurt her, he thought. I hurt her just like she knew I would.

He didn't know who to hate or blame, or if there was anyone to be hated or blamed. Whose fault was this? Maybe it was his, for not asserting himself and being honest with her from the beginning. If he'd told her at the start that he needed to be with her because he needed to take his mind away from the boy he loved, then maybe she would have found a guy who really loved her for her, and she wouldn't be in this mess. Maybe it was Logan's fault for being so persistent, for not being strong enough to find a girl and stick with her through thick and thin, even when his feelings for Kendall got to be so strong and unmanageable that he just needed to kiss him every once and a while to calm down. Or maybe it was Jo's own fault. Maybe if she wasn't so selfish and insecure...

He knew that she knew. He just knew that the whole reason why she did this was because she found out. Maybe she saw them on the beach or maybe that damn Trey Donato told her. But somehow, she knew, and he knew that whenever she woke up, he would have to face the music. He'd have to own up to who he was and also what he'd done to her.

But, as he began to fall asleep in his mother's arms, all he could think about was being with Logan...the feeling of Logan in his arms...Logan's masculinity as it filled him...Logan's sensitivity as it purred softly under his touch...Logan's shining eyes as they smiled at Kendall...Logan's sweet, wet kisses...the feeling of Kendall's own heart as it beat out of his chest...the assurance and certainty that Logan would always be there for him no matter what.

I love him, he thought. And he loves me.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE: <strong>Now, who in their right mind would want to be in Kendall's shoes right now? We know who wants to be in his pants, and we know who's in his heart, but what decisions is he going to make when push comes to shove? Jo's gotta wake up some time...and when she does, what is she going to do?


	25. Darkest Before the Dawn

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All right, so this took longer than I originally promised. Sorry! But whatever, summer has officially begun, and I'm finally ready to focus more time on writing. I miss it a lot yall! Thanks for your reviews and messages! Here is Chapter 25.

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 25<strong>

As he pushed the button in the elevator, Logan could feel his knees shaking furiously, and he wondered if it would have been best if he'd just gone to the nurses' station and gotten one of those wheelchairs that they were always forcing people to use. He couldn't imagine himself being able to walk the distance to Jo's room without fainting.

Mrs. Knight had called him first thing in the morning to give him an update. Jo was alive, she was awake, but she was still weak and still needed rest. She'd suggested that Logan come immediately to the hospital to give Kendall the friendly support he needed, but Logan refused several times before saying yes. He knew the awkwardness would kill him...trying to be Kendall's "best friend" when he'd just been Kendall's lover the night before. How dirty would that have made him? How evil? How wrong? And all the while, Jo would probably be lying there, knowing in her heart exactly what the two of them had done the night before...wanting nothing more than to pick up the nearest sharp object and try again at ending her own life.

Logan just hated the whole thing. He tried to find solace in the fact that everything was now out in the open with Kendall, that they'd talked, they'd made love, they'd finally come right out and addressed their feelings. But as the old adage goes, it's always darkest before the dawn, and Logan knew that the night wasn't over yet.

He remembered what room number Mrs. Knight had said Jo was in, and when he approached it, he stopped. He remembered what Carlos had said about the cuts...they were probably deep...and all over...in Logan's mind, she'd only cut her wrists, but what if she'd just went crazy on herself? Blood and gashes and wounds everywhere?

I am here for Kendall, he told himself. I'm here to help him feel better, because I told him that I'd always always always be there for him.

He pushed the door open and stepped inside, but Kendall wasn't there, and neither was Mrs. Knight.

But she was there.

Jo's bed was in the center of the room, the beeping still going on and on. She lie flat on her back, wires sticking out of her arm, but her head was turned to the side, away from the door. Logan sighed in relief...she was sleeping. Thank God. He could slip right back out of the room and wait in the hall until Kendall and Mrs. Knight returned, but...

"Logan," Jo whispered quietly, her voice cracked. She didn't even turn to face him, but somehow she knew it was him. She'd overheard Mrs. Knight on the phone earlier, begging him to come, and she'd wanted him to come, too. They needed to talk. She needed to talk. Just as the previous night had been a big blur for Logan and Kendall, it had been one for her, too, and now that it was morning, that big blur was starting to clear up - everything was starting to clear up, and she was starting to see things in a different light.

"Jo..." Logan replied, just as weak, just as cracked. "I...I...I'm gonna let you get some rest."

"I'm rested."

"But maybe you should sleep..."

"I slept all night."

"But-"

"Come in, Logan, please."

She turned her head to face him, and he was horrified. She didn't even look that much different. Definitely better than she'd looked the night before. But still...her eyes...looking into her eyes filled Logan with so much guilt. It made him recall the afternoon in her apartment when he'd made her believe that Kendall loved him, not her, and that they'd made love and that...

Oh my God, but those things are true now, he remembered. Those things are true! We did make love, and he does love...Kendall does love me.

He carefully walked deeper into the room, sitting in a chair next to the bed. How could he possibly sit here and talk to her, knowing that he was the reason why she was even here in the first place?

"Jo, I'm sorry," he said. "I'm...I'm sorry."

The corners of Jo's mouth slowly turned up into a creaky little smile. "Sorry for what? It's not your fault that I can be...a little crazy."

Logan didn't know what to say. Part of him wanted to say that she wasn't crazy, but shit...she'd cut herself up and now she was lying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires sticking out of her. Crazy. But it was easy for him to call her crazy, though. It wasn't him whose world was spiraling apart, was it?

Jo stared up at the ceiling, shaking her head a little to get rid of some of the pain. "Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen," she sighed, and Logan's eyebrows furrowed. "Gretchen, you're doing a lot. You're doing a fuckin' lot."

"Uh, Jo..." Logan said, not understanding what was going on.

She took a deep breath and turned back to him. "Logan," she began, "there are so many things...so many things...that you don't know anything about at all. Like...so much shit. And it's unfair that you don't know about it. But I'm gonna start telling you now."

Logan turned his head in thought, wondering what he was about to learn, but he remained silent as Jo began to tell her story. She took another deep breath.

"Remember that picture you saw at my place? The one that I said was of my cousin?"

"Yeah."

She shook her head. "Wasn't my cousin. That was me."

"But I don't understand..."

"You're not so smart after all, then," Jo quipped, but a quick smile afterwards let Logan know that she wasn't trying to be mean. To be honest, Logan didn't know what she was trying to do or how she was trying to be.

"Jo is not my name. Not my first name, at least. No, my name is Gretchen. That's the name my parents gave me, and that's the name I answered to all the way up until I came to California. It's a long story."

"Oh...well..." Logan said, still unsure of what to do. "You should get some rest."

"No," Jo replied. "I'm going to tell the story."

Logan just nodded.

"I did have a cousin, and she did look just like me. Well...except for the fact that she was gorgeous. Way prettier than I ever was or will ever be. She had long, blonde hair...clear, creamy skin...deep eyes...and she was fucking perfect. Everybody loved her. She was on the cheer squad, she played flute in the band, she made straight A's, she volunteered at nursing homes...she was sweet to everybody, and she just had everyone wrapped around her little finger. But nobody gave a damn about me. Everyone made me the butt of their jokes. Everyone picked on Gretchen. My grandmother always made fun of me...all of our other cousins would pull pranks on me. Even in school, the other kids treated me like shit. I never had a boyfriend. The boys actually used me as a joke. The worst thing you could ever do to a guy in our school was spread a rumor that he had a crush on me. I'd come home from school crying so much...and my parents didn't care. They told me it was my own fault for being a nerd, for keeping to myself...if I was like my cousin Ashley, then I wouldn't have so many problems."

A flood of familiarity came through Logan. Damn...he knew the feeling. He knew exactly of what Jo was talking about, because he'd lived it himself. "Jo, I didn't know..." he said.

"I'm not finished," she announced rather blankly, as if she'd somehow numbed herself so that she could tell the story. "Everyone wanted me to be more like Ashley, and so I did get more like Ashley. I grew my hair out...lost weight...got contacts. We even started hanging together. People still made fun of me, but it was getting better. And then, one night, my parents had taken Ashley out for her birthday. They always did things like that with her instead of me. They said that she'd appreciate them more than I could. But whatever. They went out to dinner for her birthday. On their way back home, the weather got really, really bad, and my dad couldn't see the road too well. He pulled over to be safe, but the shoulder was muddy and slippery...and he couldn't keep control of the car...and...well...they crashed into a tree."

"Jo!"

"I'm not finished," she told him again, as if she was trying to make a point. "They crashed into a tree. And they all died. All three of them died on impact. And...and...and everybody blamed me. They all blamed me. They said that if I was a better daughter, then maybe my parents wouldn't have had to take Ashley out instead of me, and then maybe they wouldn't have gotten into the accident, and then maybe Ashley would still be alive."

She was crying now, but Logan kept his distance. It was clear that she didn't want to be bothered or comforted.

"Believe it or not, the only people who cared about me were my aunt and uncle...Ashley's parents. I moved in with them and had to sleep in Ashley's old room...but they did their best to take care of me. They had to protect me from everyone else in the family, but it got to the point where my uncle...the one I call Dad now...he decided that it was time for us to just move. And so we did...and we came to California."

Logan sat riveted. He never knew any of this...at all. He wondered if Kendall knew...if he did, he definitely did a damn good job of keeping the secret. But then again, Logan knew that Kendall was good at keeping secrets.

"We came to California, and it was like a chance to start all over again for me. I didn't have to be stupid little Gretchen, I didn't have to just be 'Ashley's cousin.' I could be whoever I wanted to be. And so my aunt took me to a stylist, I got made over, and then I started going by my middle name, Josephine, or just Jo for short. That's when I decided to get into acting. And that's when I met Kendall."

Just the mention of the name made Logan uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat and looked down, the pangs of guilt vibrating throughout his entire body.

"Kendall was...well...he was the first guy who ever cared about me," Jo said softly with a slight tone of remembrance in her voice. "There were guys who wanted to be with me, but they just wanted to be with me because of how I looked. Carlos and James, for example. But Kendall got to know me...he was the only one who was able to figure out that something wasn't right about the bullshit story I'd made up for why we came here. He figured it out, and he made me tell him the truth, but he didn't dump me or leave me or treat me like shit...he loved me. Or...at least, he pretended to love me."

Logan closed his eyes slowly, the guilt getting to be too much.

"Jo, I never wanted anything like this to happen," he said sincerely. "I never wanted it to be like this, and you have to believe me! I never wanted to hurt you!"

"Yes, you did," she replied coolly. "I wanted to hurt you, and you wanted to hurt me. There's nothing wrong with admitting that."

"But not like this!" he protested, motioning to the machines and wires. "I should have let him talk to you first! Before we...before we did anything..."

Jo stared into the space in front of her as Logan fumbled for words. He didn't have to say anything...she already knew. She knew they'd kissed, but she also knew deep down that they'd been more intimate than that. She just knew. But she wasn't mad. Not anymore.

"Logan, please understand...I didn't tell you any of this to make you feel bad or feel guilty or...whatever. I just needed to let you know so that you could understand why. Why I needed him...why I fought so hard for him...why I couldn't let him go."

Logan nodded. He could respect that. He could even empathize with that. Hadn't he himself tried his hardest to get over Kendall but couldn't? He knew what it was like to be loved by Kendall Knight. He knew what it was like to have him be the only person in the world who truly, truly wanted you...the only person who knew how to push your buttons and make you smile at the same time. He knew where Jo was coming from in that regard, but still, since she was here and all about telling the truth now, he felt the need to introduce some of his own home truths.

"You could have kept him," he whispered to her. "He was ready to be with you forever, Jo."

"I know," she said, now feeling a little guilty herself.

"He was ready to...basically throw away everything that he really felt for...me...and just to be with you for the rest of his life. He was going to do that, but you wouldn't let him."

"I know," she repeated, closing her eyes. "And that's another thing, I guess. Even though I had him, and he made me feel incredible, I still needed more...I needed something on a superficial level. And so that's why I started going to the parties and sleeping with other guys and getting high and getting drunk and all of that stuff..."

"You lost him because of that," Logan broke.

Jo nodded in recognition of her own blame, but then she wondered aloud, "But did I ever really have him in the first place?"

Logan's eyes darted to hers, and for the first time, he didn't feel bad about this. He didn't feel as if he'd done something wrong or like he'd betrayed someone. He felt...somehow, he felt at peace. As if he'd been a roller coaster that was now slowing to its end. He and Jo could both maturely talk about this and identify where they both had gone wrong, and they would learn from it, and they would move on. For the first time in a long time, Logan felt as if things were looking up.

Jo cleared her throat and spoke hesitantly, as if speaking hurt her emotionally more than it did physically. "Whatever...um...whatever you guys decide to do, you and Kendall...um...I hope...I hope it works out for you."

"But, Jo, what about you?" Logan asked, always the one to put the feelings of others above his own.

"Don't worry about me," she replied. "I'm gonna be okay."

Logan didn't believe her, and he was afraid of what she was really thinking about herself, but before he could press her for any further explanation, light streamed into the room from the open door as Kendall and Mrs. Knight returned.

"Logan!" Mrs. Knight exclaimed, giving him a hug. When they broke apart, she beamed at him. "I knew if there was anyone who would brighten up everyone's spirits, it would be you." She smiled at him and kissed him on the forehead before tending to Jo.

Kendall stood in the shadows for a moment. He observed his mother as she sat and talked with Jo, then he turned to Logan, who was aimlessly looking out the window, doing his best to avoid eye contact with him.

"Me and Logan are gonna go get some air," Kendall suddenly announced, and Logan's eyes shot to him.

"What?" Mrs. Knight asked. "But Logan just got here, and Jo's awake, and-"

"Let them go," Jo smiled. "I don't want everyone to fuss over me. Besides, I'm sure the best friends have a lot to talk about."

Kendall's ears pricked up as he caught the glance between Jo and Logan. He and Logan slipped out of the room and walked silently to the elevator. When they got in, they stood stiffly, just a few inches away from each other, but they remained quiet. Kendall was so unpredictable with his emotions, and Logan didn't know how to deal with it most of the time, but he just kept his cool and followed his best friend's lead.

They found a nice, quiet spot in the courtyard, and Kendall was careful to find a bench that he knew couldn't be seen from Jo's room. They sat, and as the early morning wind whipped through their hair and the sun lit their faces, they both wondered who was going to make the first move.

And, of course, Kendall took the lead. He aggressively grabbed Logan's hand and held it, squeezed it, petted it...

"How did you sleep last night?" he asked, finally calming down and resting his hand upon Logan's on his own thigh.

"Good," Logan replied. "How about you?"

"I didn't sleep."

"Kendall! You need your rest!"

Kendall shook his head. "I wasn't gonna get any. It's not like I deserve it anyway."

"Oh, Kendall..."

Kendall let go of his hand. "What did she tell you?" he asked, turning on the bench to face Logan.

Logan looked down. He just wanted a minute to forget about everything and just be there with Kendall. He didn't want to discuss the various dramas and traumas of their lives.

"Everything. About her...why she came here...who she really is..."

Kendall nodded slowly. He knew it was way past time for Logan to know the truth. "Did she hurt you?"

Logan was taken aback. "Hurt me? God, Kendall, no! No! She...she was actually nice...nicer than she has any right to be. Kendall, I think she wants us to be together!"

Kendall smirked. "Heh. That's what she wants you to believe."

"No," Logan said. "She told me herself...whatever we decide to do, she hopes it works out for us."

"It won't."

"How do you know that?" Logan asked, getting a little bit dismayed by Kendall's reaction. It was like Kendall was a different person now, completely different from who he'd been the night before. The sensitive creature of the night, the beautiful young man who wanted to stop running from his fears...he'd turn into someone who was trying his hardest to put on this cold, rough exterior that wasn't hiding much at all.

"Because she's gonna do everything in her power to make sure it won't. I know how she is...she may have told you the whole Gretchen story, but I know exactly how she is and how she likes to manipulate people. Now that you have your guard down, she knows she can get one over on you."

Logan shook his head. "Kendall, I think you're wrong. I listened to her...I looked her in the eye...and I know she was being honest. Please..."

Logan took Kendall's hand and tried to get closer to him, his body still shivering at the reality of his and Kendall's newly established openness with one another.

"No," Kendall said, pulling away, and making Logan's face turn pink. "This is what she wants. She wants us to be together so that she can tear us apart in the worst way. We can't let her win."

They sat in silence for a while as Logan thought on Kendall's words. He always had such blind faith in his best friend, the boy he loved, and he always trusted everything he did and said. Even if he himself was sure that Jo was no longer an issue, he couldn't help but second guess his own conclusion simply because Kendall had other thoughts.

"What do you think...we should do, then?" he asked Kendall, but there was a lump growing in his stomach, one that had a feeling that Kendall's answer was going to make him cry.

Kendall turned to him slowly, shaking his head. "We can't do this right now. Last night...everything that happened...that has to be it for right now. Just until Jo's out of the picture."

"But she IS out of the picture!" Logan exclaimed. "She almost killed herself! And she's sorry now!"

"It's only an act!" Kendall replied just as loudly. "She's only trying to trick us, Logan! And we can't let her!"

"So," Logan began tearfully, "what are you saying? After all of these years, all of this time...we still can't...we can't..." And he slowly caressed Kendall's thigh, never once breaking eye contact. Kendall touched his hand.

"We can't tell anybody about it. We just can't tell anybody yet. We have to keep it a secret. If we tell people, then Jo's gonna...she's gonna...she make it bad for us. You have to believe me, Logan."

Logan didn't know what to say, but the sound of Kendall's voice and the look in his eyes...it helped him to realize what was really going on here, and his heart almost broke at the realization.

"Kendall, you don't have to be scared," he said, still rubbing his thigh, still looking into his eyes.

Kendall shook his head. "I'm not scared."

"You are," Logan reiterated, "but you don't have to be."

"I'm not scared of anything," Kendall insisted, but he knew his resolve was breaking.

"You're scared of what she might do to herself if we got together...you're scared of what people are gonna say...all the reasons why you tried to fight what you felt for all this time...you're still scared."

The protests stopped, but Kendall still gave off the impression of someone trying to hold on to a sinking ship. Logan just kept rubbing his thigh, hoping that his love was evident in his touch.

"Remember what I told you," he said quietly. "I told you that I'd never leave you...and I won't. I can't. I've tried, but I can't."

A single tear rolled down Kendall's cheek as he turned to Logan. He leaned over and kissed him, stroking his hand and tasting his sweet lips. "I'm sorry," he whispered as Logan hugged him after the kiss. "I'm sorry. I keep messing us up."

And Logan could have just accepted that apology and let it go and tried to forge ahead on their new path, but he knew that unfinished business could be a bitch. He knew that no one could ever truly move forward until they let go of their past. It was why he could never "get over" Kendall. It was why Kendall could never "get over" him. He knew that he and Kendall would never be happy unless all of Kendall's fears were addressed head on, and Logan knew that that meant a lot of time would come and go before they could truly rest with one another, with only blue skies ahead of them. He knew that Kendall would want to fight it, that he would want to turn and run away from his problems, but Logan promised himself to never let Kendall fail. He would push him to face all the things that had kept them apart, and it would be hard on himself sometimes, too, but he'd be strong enough for the both of them.

Upstairs in her bed, Jo felt at peace. Every time she told someone the Gretchen story - she'd told it to Kendall, to Trey, to some guys who she thought would feel sorry for her and treat her right, to some girlfriends who only pitied her, to Mrs. Knight that very morning, and now to Logan - she felt stronger, she felt more at ease, and she felt more accepting of herself and who she really was. She didn't feel the need to be the big attention whore she'd become anymore...she didn't feel the need to have every single thing she thought she wanted. No, she felt...content. Maybe she was terrified of the fact that she really had tried to kill herself...maybe she felt guilty about all that she'd put Kendall and Logan through thanks to her own insecurities...maybe she was just growing up and getting a grip. But she felt better...she felt clearer...she felt good.

Her "parents" had arrived by the time Kendall and Logan returned to the room, and so Jo insisted that they and Mrs. Knight go home and stop worrying about her. She needed time alone with her family to remember where she'd come from so that she could figure out, once and for all, where she was going.

Kendall, Logan, and Mrs. Knight made their way downstairs and were walking out of the hospital.

"Well, I guess they're gonna have a lot of soul-searching to do," Mrs. Knight commented in regards to the Taylors. "A lot of pain to deal with." She turned to her son. "Are you sure you're gonna be okay?"

Kendall hesitated before answering, but he just nodded. He looked to Logan. "I'm gonna be just fine, Mom."

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Kendall Knight doesn't like being weak. When a challenge is in front of him, he likes to attack it head on. How is that going to affect what he has with Logan? How will it affect his relationships with his family and friends? Stick around to find out!


	26. Bare Essence

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All right, guys, I know you're probably tired of me and my excuses for constantly being late with chapters! To keep things short, I started working on this one a while back, and I decided that it would be best to write several chapters ahead of time so that there wouldn't constantly be pauses between them. It meant a longer wait before this chapter, but it also means that you'll be getting a new chapter every single day this week! Just to give you a heads up, the story is quickly coming to a close. Chapter 32 is gonna be the end! There's still room for one more big twist, so keep reading! Thanks to everyone who has held on this whole time...love you guys more than you could know!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX<strong>

Kendall was feeling rough after he, Logan, and his mother returned from the hospital. Listless...restless...lifeless...meaningless. All of those depressing feelings came together within him and made him feel like he was worth absolutely nothing in the world. He didn't know how he would make it out of this funk, or if he ever would. Yeah, his talk with Logan in the hospital courtyard had been a good one, and it put some things into perspective, but Kendall Knight was the type of guy who agonized and agonized about everything. He just kept imagining how his whole world was going to change, and it was slowly driving him crazy.

"Don't you think you should get some sleep?" Logan suggested when they got to their bedroom. He closed the door behind them as Kendall sorta eased over to his bed and sat down.

Of course, Kendall didn't reply. He was too tired to say that he was tired...too exhausted to even let himself rest. He carefully removed his shoes and placed his face in his hands, staring down at the floor.

Logan was at a loss. Part of him knew he had to tread lightly...he didn't want to do anything that would send Kendall back into his shell, back into that place where he pretended he didn't have any feelings for his best friend. But at the same time, Logan knew that if he just stood around and did nothing, he could still lose Kendall. He had to do something, but he had to do just the right thing...if only Kendall was the type of person who was open and upfront about what he wanted.

He sat next to Kendall and thought about touching him...there was still a bit of hesitation in him about bridging their bodies in that way. Hell, for all of the events of the previous twelve hours, still, it'd been less than twelve hours since they'd come clean with one another about their feelings and made love. Logan was still unsure of allowing himself to indulge in his own feelings, but he went out on a limb and rubbed Kendall's back. Soft, tickling circles in the center of his back. He made sure to give it that special touch to remind Kendall that they weren't "just friends" anymore.

"What's wrong?" he asked Kendall quietly, but he already knew the answer.

Kendall just shook his head. There was a knotted ache in his head, one that he could not shake, and the more he rubbed his skull, the less it seemed like he would find relief. Maybe it wasn't even a physical ailment...maybe it was just a bundle of nerves and emotions. It didn't matter how much rest he got or how far away from reality he could separate himself. Whenever he woke up, the facts would remain the same. He was gay, and he was going to have to deal with it. He'd have to tell the world, and everyone would know, and everyone would treat him differently, and everyone would change. He wouldn't be Kendall Knight, the fearless leader, anymore. People wouldn't let him be that anymore. Nope, they'd all look at him as a weakling. Not only was he gay, but he'd been in the closet for years. Weak. Everyone would abandon him.

Everyone except for Logan, whose gentle fingers danced on Kendall's back like ballerinas performing the most graceful of routines.

Logan, Kendall's inner voice kept calling out. Logan...Logan...Logan...Logan...the keeper of his heart. The owner of his love. Logan...Logan...the one who always made him feel better...the one who just wanted to be with him no matter what...the one who waited forever...and the one who promised to never go away...Logan.

Kendall opened his eyes and turned to Logan, placing a hand on his cheek. He brought his mouth to Logan's, and they kissed, and Kendall's breath grew violent as he longed to taste every bit of Logan's love on his lips. They parted, and it took them both a second to regain composure. Logan's name continued to echo through Kendall's psyche, and Kendall's began to echo through Logan's.

"I'm gonna go...uh...start some bathwater for you," Logan offered. As much as he wanted to give in to the passion, he knew that there was a time and a place for it. In their room, with Carlos, James, and Mrs. Knight stirring around on the other side of the door, was not the place. He got up, but Kendall rose right behind him and followed him into the bathroom.

Logan loves me, he kept thinking. Logan is going to protect me...Logan is going to take care of me...Logan...

Logan knelt next to the bathtub and turned on the water, adjusting the knobs to find the perfect temperature. Kendall stood in the doorway and watched intently. He had so rarely ever let anyone take care of him. He always figured it made him look weak. But he had to remember...this was Logan. Logan would never see him as weak...Logan would never think of him as some soft baby who needed help. Logan would take care of him, but he'd always look up to Kendall as his hero. And that was why Kendall could allow himself to be taken care of by Logan.

"There," Logan said, once he knew the water was just the way Kendall would like it. He just wanted Kendall to rest. Get in the tub, take a bath, then get into bed, where he could sleep the day away and not worry about a single thing. They'd had way more than enough excitement for the day so far.

But when he got to his feet and turned from the bathtub, Kendall was right behind him, and the door was closed. The smallness of the room meant they couldn't escape each other's personal space. Logan tried to resist, but he knew he couldn't...he knew he wouldn't dare turn Kendall away. And so, when Kendall tugged at Logan's hands and moved them to the edge of his shirt, Logan yielded completely to his control until he found himself taking Kendall's shirt off by his own free will.

The shirt came off first, and, the brown eyes trained on the green ones the whole time, Logan then began to unbutton Kendall's pants. Slowly, he unfastened them, and just as slowly, he unwrapped the lower body of his lover. He crouched down to get the pants off of Kendall's feet, and, without looking up, he reached to pull off his underwear as well. When Logan stood again, he stood beside Kendall's naked body, piercing eyes, and soft lips, and there was an immediate stir in his own clothed body.

"Kendall, we can't...not here...your mom-"

But Kendall took his hand for support as he stepped into the bathtub and lowered himself down into the water. Logan stood puzzled for a second, unsure of what Kendall wanted him to do, but when Kendall reached around in the bath and held up a towel and a bar of soap, his eyes pleadingly making the request, Logan got the idea.

Quietly, Logan fell back to his knees and took the towel and soap from Kendall. He dipped them into the water with shaky hands, and he tried to make eye contact to make sure this was what Kendall wanted, but Kendall's eyes were closed, his head back, and his breathing easy. He was in a state of pure relaxation, and he wanted Logan to bathe him. Logan's palms were so sweaty, his nerves so jumpy. He'd waited almost his whole lifetime for a moment like this, and here it was, and he was absolutely terrified.

He's gonna get up and leave, he told himself. He's gonna snap out of it and wonder what the fuck I'm trying to do to him...he's gonna come to his senses and beat my ass for trying to make him not "normal." He's gonna tell everyone I perved out on him...

But Kendall didn't do these things. No, with his eyes still closed, he took Logan's towel hand and moved it to his body, guiding it from his neck down the center of his torso to the sensitive navel. He guided the hand back up again, and then he conceded control to Logan, who repeated the move Kendall had shown him once more before exploring the rest of his body. Kendall twitched when Logan slightly pinched his nipples, and he shivered when the towel grazed the soft skin of his underarms. Then, Logan moved the towel down...down...down...and he hesitated before letting it touch Kendall's manhood, but Kendall once again guided him to it, clasping his hand over Logan's and letting him rub the entire length of his cock. Logan's breathing was so heavy and uneven. It didn't matter that they'd been as intimate as two people could be the night before...this was different from sex. This wasn't done in a bed in the dark...this was being done in the light...where they could see each other...where nothing was hidden. Every feeling, every thought, every desire, every body part was seen in its bare essence. It was more nerve-wracking than sex could ever be.

After going down the length of each of Kendall's long legs, Logan began to rub the soap all over his body, letting the slippery bar mark its own journey as it slid and sloped over Kendall's biceps, triceps, and abs. He kneaded Kendall's skin and muscles, feeling the younger guy's body release tension with each and every stroke. Logan moved the soap between Kendall's legs, but this time, he didn't hesitate. He let the soap fall into the water as he wrapped his hand around Kendall's growing erection, his own cock getting hard on contact.

"Mmm," Kendall moaned softly.

Logan's eyes darted to Kendall's face, and he could see a sincere look of ecstasy expressed even through his closed eyes. Kendall's toes curled, and the erection twitched in Logan's hands.

"Fuck," Kendall moaned, a little louder than before, and Logan quickly turned to the door, afraid someone might hear them and come in. He summoned the strength to let go of Kendall's dick and continued soaping his body.

After Logan rinsed the suds off of him, Kendall shifted over in the tub, and Logan soaped up his back as well, coming behind with the towel to scrub. He worked his way down the center of Kendall's back and under his armpits before letting the soap trace the shape of Kendall's butt. He could feel Kendall twitch again upon being touched in such a sensitive area, but Logan soldiered on, not wanting to get too carried away with the pleasure.

Logan dropped the soap and towel into the water, and Kendall began to rise. Logan took his hand to help him out of the tub, but his efforts to stay dry were futile. Kendall dripped all over the floor and all over Logan's clothes, but he didn't seem to care. Logan grabbed a large towel from the shelf and began to dry Kendall off, trying his best to not get aroused. Kendall just stood, frozen like a statue, as Logan toweled him off. The coolness of the air, the wetness of his skin, and the feeling of Logan's hands all over his body put him in a state of semi-shock, as if he was coming out of an unconscious state in a foreign land.

"I'll get you some clothes," Logan said once Kendall was dry. Kendall just nodded and stayed in place.

Logan slipped out of the bathroom and closed the door. He paused for a minute in the darkened bedroom to get his thoughts together. It just felt...surreal. Positively surreal. He could touch Kendall in all the ways he'd ever wanted to touch him...he could take Kendall in his arms and rock him to sleep, promising him that everything would be all right, and then give him the sweetest kiss on the lips to prove it. It was so overwhelming, but it was that eager type of overwhelming that a person never wanted to let go of.

Ever paranoid about Kendall suddenly having a change of heart, Logan quickly rummaged through Kendall's dresser and got a T-shirt and some boxer briefs. Before he could go back into the bathroom, however, Kendall was already coming out, still naked, and the light streaming in through the closed curtains hit his body and tinted it the most radiant color of morning gold. With his highly expressive face and sculpted body, he looked like a work of art. Logan was caught off guard by the sight, but he focused. He knew that at any minute, someone could have walked into their room. The door wasn't locked, and Mrs. Knight and Carlos were in the living room.

But maybe that's what Kendall wanted. Maybe that's why he was being such a daredevil. Maybe this was how he wanted everyone to find out. Mere words - "I'm gay...me and Logan are gay...and we love each other" - were just that, words. They could say those words to people, but who would truly understand them? But if they saw those feelings with their own eyes...if they could see Logan and Kendall's lips meet, their eyes get wrapped up in each other, their bodies clinging together, their souls tangling together, their hearts beating together...then how could they deny that love? How could they not support it? How could they not want these two young men to be together forever?

And before Logan knew it, he and Kendall were kissing again. He hands were on Kendall's hips, and Kendall's were on his shoulders. He stopped caring if someone walked in. They'd wasted years upon years of not openly loving each other because they were afraid of other people. Now that they were brave enough to be honest with each other, they deserved to share that love. Their tongues rubbed up against each other, their lips gently bit at each other. Logan lost control for a minute and just had his hands squeezing all over Kendall's body with wild abandon.

When the kiss was over, Logan carefully dressed Kendall, fixing the snug-fitting underwear over his cock and around his behind. He slowly put the T-shirt on him, and it felt like he was dressing a doll. But this doll was his...his own living doll, who would love him and be there for him forever.

He carefully lead Kendall to his bed and pulled back the covers. Kendall slipped in under the covers, and for a second, it looked like Logan was going to slip in right next to him, but they both knew that they'd been risky enough for the morning. Logan carefully perched himself on the side of the bed, and his brown eyes stared deeply into Kendall's green ones. They were both at such a loss for what to say, but Logan said what came naturally to him.

"I love you," he whispered breathlessly.

Kendall just nodded, his eyes getting heavier. "Don't leave me," he said.

And so when he closed his eyes and very quickly drifted off to sleep, Logan didn't leave him. He sat on the side of the bed and caressed his face, even long after Kendall was lost in dreamland. He vowed he'd never leave this boy, and he was going to keep that promise no matter what. Now more than ever.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry...for earlier..."<p>

"Kendall, you don't have to apologize for that."

"No...I creeped you out...and I'm sorry."

"I wasn't creeped out. It was...actually...kinda nice."

"In a creepy way."

It was a little bit past 2pm, and Kendall had just waken up from what ended up being a six hour nap. Not the full day of rest that Logan had hoped he would have, but more than enough sleep for Kendall to function on for the rest of the day. Logan had kept his promise, too, to stay with him the whole time. In fact, it was only when Kendall woke up to go pee that he'd finally moved over to his own bed, where he sat now when Kendall came from the bathroom with his apology.

"I'm sorry," Kendall repeated, but Logan just shook his head.

"I told you already-"

"No. I'm apologizing for...I guess...apologizing," Kendall clarified. "I'm just kinda stumbling over everything. I don't know what to say or how to feel anymore."

Logan got up from his bed and approached Kendall, who looked at him with a pair of uncertain eyes. "I'm no more sure about anything than you are," he explained, hoping it would give Kendall some relief. Fortunately, it did, and Kendall chuckled a little before sitting down. Logan sat next to him.

"Yeah, that might be the case, but you're definitely being cooler about it than I am," Kendall sighed, rubbing his hand down the side of his face and smiling at Logan.

"Please, Kendall," Logan scoffed. "I'm shaking in my boots. I've been shaking in my boots for years. If I seem cool now, it's because I'm just trying to be strong for-" But he stopped mid-sentence, not sure if he wanted to complete the thought, not sure if he wanted to neuter the great Kendall Knight, who was always strong enough for himself.

"I know," Kendall replied. "I know."

Logan slowly nodded as he looked at the floor, glad that he could openly talk about all of the inner turmoil he'd been dealing with over the years. "I've played through at least a million scenarios in my head," he continued. "In some of them, I'd tell you how I felt about you...and you would hate me. You would say that we could never be friends ever again. And it'd make me so worried...so worried. I'd start thinking about going back to Minnesota or quitting the band or just running away. I didn't want to lose your friendship, but I knew that what I was feeling was getting to be way more than what I could control."

Kendall took the words in and slipped an arm around Logan's lower back. "I'll never hurt you," he soothed. "Never."

"I know."

"I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that because of me...because I was too scared to tell you that I felt the same way. Logan, I always knew how you felt. I always knew. There were so many times when I wanted to just let you know that I understood and that I wasn't mad and that if you ever needed to...feel close to me...you could have. You could have, but I wouldn't have let it go too far. I would have made sure of that. But I didn't know if I could stop myself from going too far."

There was a brief silence. Logan thought about Kendall's words for a moment. There was always this fear of "going too far." Always this fear of losing self-control and succumbing to feelings, giving in to temptation, and just letting go of inhibitions. He wondered if everyone had to battle those demons, if everyone had to keep real emotions bottled up because releasing them would cause too much drama and strife.

"I don't want to stop myself anymore," Kendall suddenly said as he leaned over and rest his head on Logan's. "I want to do what feels right...and being with you feels right. It always has, from the very first day."

Logan closed his eyes and let this reality feel better than any dream he'd ever had...any memory he'd ever warmed up to...any wish he'd ever hoped for. He nuzzled Kendall's neck...he felt the soft touch of Kendall's hand on his thigh...he felt Kendall's heartbeat as it reverberated through his own body.

"Kendall," he asked, breaking the silence, "where do we go from here?"

Kendall thought about his answer for a minute. He didn't want to say that he didn't know, even though he didn't. He didn't want to say something lame and girly about fate or destiny or kismet.

"Wherever we want to go."

He pulled Logan closer to him. He pulled him closer because it felt good, but he also pulled him closer because he needed to remember that this boy was his and that he wasn't going anywhere. That was his promise, and he was going to keep it.

They stayed in that position, in silence, for fifteen minutes, literally. When they realized how long they'd been sitting there, they both sorta eased on up off of the bed and stretched.

"I can get addicted to that," Logan remarked carefully, hoping that Kendall would appreciate the sentiment.

"I think I already am," he replied, making Logan smile. "What time is it?" he yawned.

"2:25," Logan answered after checking his watch. "Why?"

Kendall started to dig through his dresser drawers. "I think I'm gonna go to the gym for a while. I definitely have a lot of frustration to vent out."

Logan nodded in understanding as he went back to his bed. "Um, you might not want to get too crazy. Kelly called while you were asleep. She says that Gustavo is gonna really start putting us through the wringer tomorrow. We have a lot to catch up on, so...yeah."

"Ugh...Gustavo," Kendall thought aloud. "Can't we come up with some zany scheme to get him shipped off to Sweden or something?"

"Heh," Logan remarked. As he sat on the bed, though, he watched as Kendall took out his gym clothes. He knew that within a few minutes, Kendall would be gone, and that old paranoia was kicking back in. When he returned, would he be as cheerful and as well-adjusted as he was in that very moment? Or would he have come to the conclusion that this whole day, and the night before, had been a mistake?

Kendall was far from oblivious to Logan's concerns, though, as they were all over the boy's face. After putting on a pair of gym shorts, he approached him. "Come on, what's the matter? I'm just going to the gym. I'll be back soon."

"I know."

"And I'll still love you."

Logan felt silly for getting so worried so soon, but Kendall's reassurance soothed him. "I know. It's just...it's so hard to believe that we're here and that it's real. I feel like if we're apart for anything more than five minutes, I'm gonna wake up from the dream."

Kendall gave him a sideways smile. "It's not a dream anymore. It's real."

He leaned in and kissed him, and Logan's heart skipped a beat. Fuck...Kendall really needed to stop surprising him with those amazing kisses. But they were so good...so sweet...so real...and they meant so much.

"I love you," Logan said when the kiss ended.

"And I love you. Forever."

They smiled, and Logan went back to his bed as Kendall got dressed for the gym. When he left, he gave Logan the sweetest little kiss on the forehead, and even though Logan pretended to sit there and read from a science book the whole time Kendall was gone, all he did was think about this guy who'd changed his life in so many astronomical ways. Kendall had been his first friend, his first real friend. Kendall had gotten Logan to stand up for himself, and he'd gotten Logan to show how strong he could be. Kendall even got Logan to follow him halfway across the United States. And now...Kendall was Logan's first real lover.

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><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Where DO they go from here, though? Isn't it time for them to just chill out and enjoy being with each other for a while? We shall see.


	27. Call It What It Is

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Chapter 27! Thank you to everyone who is still reading! Make sure you post a review as well!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN<strong>

The call Logan had gotten from Kelly had been painfully correct. For the next six days after Jo's accident and all of the other drama, Gustavo truly put Big Time Rush through the wringer. Hours upon hours of recording, dancing, writing, and practicing, sometimes up to the wee hours of the morning. For the maybe five of six hours per day that the guys were at home, they wandered around like zombies and then fell dead asleep until it was time to get back to Rocque Records. This, of course, left little time for Logan and Kendall to develop their...relationship? Were they in a relationship now? They didn't even know...they didn't even think about it, because the only thing running through their minds, most of the time, was work.

Sometimes, when Gustavo would be working one-on-one with Kendall, Logan would busy himself in a corner with a book, and when he'd think about it...sometimes it felt as if nothing had changed at all, as if he and Kendall hadn't declared love for one another or made love or touched each other or any of those things. But then there'd be those fleeting moments when they'd let their eyes linger on each other for a few seconds longer and they'd smile that kind of smile that made them feel like they were in their own world. Whenever they'd get home, they'd take turns showering, and it always seemed like they planned to have some kind of pillow talk before going to bed, but usually, the first person to shower would be passed out for the night by the time the second one finished up. Logan could feel that the love was still there, but it was just so hard to be sure of what was going on when there was little to no opportunity to talk about it.

There was, however, a silver lining, and that was the announcement that, after getting completely caught up in six days, Big Time Rush was officially on vacation for the rest of the summer. The guys would be free to get into whatever trouble they wanted to get into and do whatever activities they wanted to partake in. Of course, for these four, the first day off meant an all-day trip to the amusement park. Roller coasters and cotton candy and long lines and loud music and even kiddie rides. All in good fun. So much fun that, all through the day, neither Logan nor Kendall really thought or worried much about their situation. After so many days of hard work, they both just wanted to let go and have fun and not have to deal with the drama that was their lives, but when the day was done, and they were back at home, neither one could stop thoughts of the other from invading his mind.

Logan showered first and was sitting up in bed while Kendall showered. He had a book in his hand, but he wasn't even fooling himself to believe he was actually reading it. No, he was thinking about Kendall. His Kendall. But was he really "his" Kendall? That was the type of burning question that kept nagging at his brain, the type of question that he knew would keep him from sleeping that night if he didn't just say something. Now that they were on vacation, now that they would have all the time in the world, he felt it was time for them to get to business, to really figure out what they were going to do.

While Logan mentally tossed and turned, Kendall scrubbed the day's dirt off of his body and made his own plan of action. He was quite the romantic, quite the Prince Charming. After six days of working his fingers to the bone, and after a day of running around silly at an amusement park, he was ready to flex his seductive muscle. It was definitely something Jo could have attested too; Kendall Knight knew how to make a person feel special. And as he turned off the shower, all he wanted to do was make that boy in the other room feel special. He knew that the week had been a rough one for them both, and he could always tell that there was some uncertainty in Logan's eyes. Tonight, though, he wanted to make it clear where he stood as far as the two of them were concerned.

It just felt fucking silly. He was in love with this little dork for how long? And he'd kept it bottled up in secret for how long? And for what? No, he was going to love this boy now, and he was going to love him with all of his might. Too much time had already been wasted, and Kendall was just plain ready to make up for it.

"Is it just me, or has it been extremely cold in this apartment the last couple of days?" Kendall asked when he came out of the bathroom.

"I wouldn't know," Logan commented. "I've been residing at Rocque Records for most of the last week."

"Heh," Kendall chuckled.

"No, the cool air coming from the air conditioner, combined with the residual moisture from your shower, is making the room's temperature feel lower than it actually is," Logan explained in science mode. "Oh, and I think the thermostat's broken."

"Ah, that makes sense."

Logan finally put his book away and crawled back into bed. He kept his eyes on Kendall, though, who was fluffing his own pillow on the other side of the room. There was nothing Logan wanted more than to spend the night in bed with Kendall. No sex, just them being together.

"Well," Kendall said as he traversed the room to turn off the light, "it's way too cold to sleep alone."

"Oh, really?"

In the darkness, Logan could hear the click of the door locking and then Kendall's footsteps. Amidst the twilight coming in through the partially-open blinds, he could see Kendall scooping up his pillow and approaching him. His heart began to beat faster and harder. It was like Kendall had read his mind.

"Scoot over," Kendall instructed, as if this was the average, normal routine.

Logan couldn't take the big, stupid grin off of his face as he eagerly pushed over and made room for Kendall in his bed.

"The only reason why I'm doing this is because it's so cold in here," Kendall commented as he slipped into the bed. "I mean, I'm not...you know...'gay' or anything. We're just friends sharing a bed to keep warm, that's all. Nothing wrong with that."

"Oh, I understand," Logan replied. "It's totally cool."

"Yeah," Kendall continued, "and I mean...me doing this-" as he put a comfortable arm around Logan's soft midsection "-is totally normal, too. Just trying to keep warm, that's all."

"Absolutely."

"And this? This is to make sure our lips stay warm."

And he leaned in for a kiss. Logan's dopey grin was still in place when the kiss was over, and Kendall couldn't help but develop his own. It felt so good to be stupid and silly and dumb with each other, all laid up like the pair of lovers they'd always wanted to be.

"I still can't believe this," Logan whispered with a controlled excitement. "It still feels like I'm dreaming."

Kendall could only smile and kiss him again. "You must want me to pinch you, then."

"No, Kendall, don't-"

But it was too late, and Kendall was pinching all over Logan's body, sending him into a fit of boyish giggles. He felt Kendall's long, sharp fingernails bite his belly, thighs, arms, and ass, and as much as the sharp pains hurt, he wouldn't have traded the feeling for anything in the world.

"Still dreaming?" Kendall asked when he finally stopped.

"I don't know," Logan answered. "I think every minute I spend with you from now on is gonna feel like a dream."

"I think every minute I spend with you from now on is gonna feel like a Nicholas Sparks movie."

"Kendall!" Logan exclaimed, and he jabbed his best friend in the gut. "Leave me alone. I have lots of feelings, and you know that."

"Yeah, I know," Kendall replied compassionately. "I understand. It's a big deal for you to be lying around in bed with one of the sexiest men in the world."

Logan scoffed. "Oh? Hmm...I don't see Daniel Radcliffe in this bed..."

"Oh! You are funny! Remember when you used to dress like Harry Potter, Hortense?"

"I thought we agreed to never talk about that ever again."

"All right, then."

Their chuckles and giggles turned to silence, and Logan shifted so that his back was towards Kendall and they were spooning. Kendall's hand found its way under Logan's shirt and came to rest on his chest, gently massaging one of his nipples. Logan sighed.

"What?" Kendall asked.

"It's a dream, Kendall!" Logan reiterated. "None of this was supposed to happen."

"What was supposed to happen?"

"I don't know...I was supposed to get over you...and leave...and you were gonna be with Jo and get married and have kids and...I don't know."

"Would you prefer that?"

"Never!"

It should be noted that Jo had gotten much better over the week. The news of her "accident" had spread through the Palm Woods like a wildfire, but no one knew exactly why she'd tried to kill herself. Oh, everyone had their suspicions. Everyone thought they knew the real reason, but no one was brave enough (or decent enough?) to go straight to her and ask. The distance that everyone kept from her was good, though, as it allowed her to take stock of everything in her life. Unfortunately, between her "recuperating" at home and the boys always at work, neither Logan nor Kendall could check in on her. As far as they knew, she was feeling better.

"So you think Daniel Radcliffe is hot?" Kendall asked with an awkward voice.

"Oh? Uh..." Logan replied, not wanting to say the wrong thing. "I think he looks good." He didn't know if Kendall was like him and often ogled male movie stars and other celebrities, and the last thing he wanted to do was make Kendall uncomfortable.

"Yeah, he's pretty sexy" Kendall agreed. "He's no Logan Mitchell, though."

Logan petted Kendall's hand in response to let him know that he appreciated the compliment. God...it just felt so fucking good.

"What about...James and Carlos?" Kendall asked, his voice still awkward.

"What about them?" Logan asked a bit hesitantly. He hoped that Kendall didn't want to move this conversation over to the "when do we tell" discussion. He didn't want that now. He just wanted to lie in bed and play with each other and laugh and goof around and talk.

"You ever check them out?"

"Hahahaha," Logan laughed, relieved. "I guess...sometimes..."

Kendall started shaking his head. "Carlos's ass, man..."

"Yes," Logan replied in agreement. "He definitely has one of those."

"And it's fucking Kardashian-sized," Kendall added. "Remember when we were out by the pool that one day, and it was just us four, and he mooned us?"

"Oh god, yes..."

"And I said I wasn't feeling well, so I came back up here?"

"Yeah."

"I came up here and yanked my chain four times because of Carlos's ass."

"Oh my god, Kendall!" Logan shrieked, but not too loudly, at his friend's revelation.

"Yes, yes, I did. And you know what else? I did it in your bed."

Logan got stone silent. "Kendall..."

But in the darkness, he could hear Kendall's annoying chuckle. "For a second there, you totally believed me!"

Logan elbowed him in the gut. "Yeah, I did, but I forgot that you're an idiot."

"Yeah," Kendall said still laughing, "well, lucky for you, I'm an idiot who likes dorks." He moved his hand from under Logan's shirt up to his waist, petting him slowly. He started to suck a little on the tender skin of Logan's neck, making Logan coo like a baby.

"I'm so lucky," Logan sighed as he leaned back into Kendall's kisses. It felt as if he was lying on a cloud...as if Kendall was an angel...as if he was in heaven. All that he'd waited for was happening to him, and he couldn't control himself. He rolled over again and crashed his open mouth into Kendall's, wrapping his arm around Kendall's neck and drawing him even closer.

"Whoa shit," Kendall remarked when Logan finally let him go. "Let me guess. You're still dreaming?"

"Still dreaming."

"If that's how you dream, then I'm cool with it."

Kendall's green eyes glowed. He felt so much love radiating between their two bodies, and he knew that he'd made the right choice. Baring his soul to Logan...telling him how he felt, letting Logan own him...it was all worth it. Whatever he'd have to deal with later on, it didn't matter, because being here with Logan now was worth every minute of pain he'd have to endure.

"Kendall?" Logan asked tentatively, as if he was unsure about asking his next question.

"What's the matter?" Kendall asked.

"Nothing. It's just...I don't know...what are we now? Are we two friends who happen to be...you know, gay...who love each other...or are we...?"

"Heh," Kendall chuckled. "The 'B' word."

"Yeah," Logan said. "The 'B' word."

"I think it says a lot that we can't even say it."

"Heh...it feels weird calling you that. I mean, all of this is weird. Every part of it feels weird. It feels right...so, so right, but at the same time...it just feels like a...well, you know."

"A dream."

"Right."

"Well, then...what do you think we should call each other?"

"I don't know," Logan said. "I mean...that sorta depends on what we are. It feels weird calling us anything when you consider we've never even gone on a date together. And even that, the idea of us going on a date, no matter how much I've dreamed about it, it still feels weird."

"Psh, we've gone on lots of dates together. Think about all of the times we went to the movies without Carlos and James. Or the park or the beach or out for lunch or anything else. Those were all dates."

"Kendall..."

"What? I'm serious! How were those not dates?"

"Because! That was just us...being friends, best friends. Best friends do those types of things together."

Kendall sighed. "We might have been best friends on the outside, but on the inside...I think we both were thinking along the lines of something else."

"I guess."

"And besides! We've been knowing each other since we were in the fourth grade. We've talked about things that most guys won't talk to each other about. I love you, Logan. You love me. That's all it takes. And you know what? I'm going to say it. I'm going to go right ahead and be the first one to say it. You? You're my boyfriend. And I'm yours."

"Oh, Kendall..."

"I've been loving you too damn long and we've been wasting too much time to not just call it what it is. We're together. In a relationship. We can make it Facebook official as soon as we tell people."

"We don't have to tell anyone until you're ready."

"I know...and I promise, I'll be ready soon. I promise. Now that I have you in my arms, I feel like I want to just tell the whole wide world. I'm in love with you, and I always have been." He paused for a minute, then, with a enterprising tone, he asked, "Say it, Logan. Say that you're my boyfriend."

"I'm your boyfriend," Logan said slowly. "Your boyfriend," he repeated. "I'm Logan Mitchell...and I'm Kendall Knight's boyfriend." A cold shiver went through his body, and he leaned in for a kiss. He then rolled back over into the warm pocket Kendall had created for him, ready to receive more of Kendall's neck kisses. But just as Kendall began to fondle his chest again, a vibration shook the nightstand across the room.

"Don't answer it," Logan begged. "Please don't..." Kendall obeyed his order and kept kissing his neck, ignoring the vibrating phone. Soon, it stopped vibrating, but then a singular vibration occurred closer, on Logan's nightstand.

"Maybe it's something important," Kendall suggested as he reached for his new boyfriend's cell phone and handed it to him.

Logan fumbled with the phone in the darkness until he was able to see that he'd received a text message.

"if ur w kendall, plz tell him to come see me n the AM. i swear its all good...u can come 2 if u want. just wanna update u guys."

"It's from Jo," Logan announced. "She...wants to see you in the morning. Something about news she has to share."

Kendall immediately rolled his eyes and got distant. "How did I know that she would find a way to fuck this up?"

"Come on, Kendall," Logan defended. "It's been a whole week since everything happened..."

"So?"

"And she told me that she's...you know...okay with whatever we decide to do."

Kendall groaned. Truth be told, he didn't want anything to do with Jo because he didn't want the complications. Now that he had his mind set on being with Logan and dealing with all the mess that he'd have to deal with in order to be with Logan, he didn't want his head to be turned by Jo and her needs and wants. But Logan knew how to get under his skin, and with just a turn of a phrase, he'd always been able to get Kendall to see his point of view.

"I think you should talk to her, Kendall," Logan insisted. "She's been shoved up in her room for a week. I know that nobody's gone to visit her because everyone's scared."

Kendall groaned again, but he knew he'd lost. "Okay. I'll go see her. Fine. But if she starts talking shit, I won't be responsible for any hurt feelings. That's a promise."

Logan kept his mouth closed. He knew that Kendall's hostility was only a matter of him being afraid to face Jo after everything that had happened. He knew Kendall's strength, though, and he knew that a meeting with Jo would only benefit him - and them as a couple - in the long run.

"I love you, Logan," Kendall whispered as he continued to pet Logan's hip under the covers, but there was a desperate tint to his voice. Who was he trying to reassure? Logan or himself? "I mean it."

"I love you, too, Kendall."

"You're my boyfriend."

"And I'm your boyfriend."

* * *

><p>"Thanks for coming over."<p>

"Yeah."

As Jo led Kendall into the living room, she could already tell that this was going to be awkward, but it was also necessary. She would have never been comfortable with the plans she'd made for herself if she didn't have this one last chat with Kendall.

"Coffee?" she offered. "Or soda? Or whatever you want to drink..."

"I'm good," he said, effortlessly keeping up that asshole facade. He sat on the sofa while Jo got herself a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

No matter how intentionally cold Kendall was, Jo seemed to be undisturbed. Oh, she could sense that he was trying to be as distant as possible, but it didn't change her disposition. It looked like she was on a mission, and she was determined to complete it.

"I hear you guys have been working overtime," she casually commented when she sat on the chair next to Kendall's sofa. "You look tired."

"I am tired," Kendall replied. "Which is why I wish you'd just say what you need to say."

Jo smirked as she sipped. "I think it's funny that you're now rushing people to say what they need to say."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"How long did it take for you to say what you needed to say to Logan?"

Feeling properly put in his place, Kendall settled into his seat. "That's really none of your business."

"No, it's not," Jo agreed. "But I do think it's funny." She put her bottle on a coaster on the coffee table and took a deep breath. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, Kendall. I mean...a lot of thinking. Today is the first day in a week that I've been out of my room for more than two or three hours. I've just been stuck in my room, in my bed, bored out of my misery, and forced to think. Here's the deal. I...don't blame you. I don't blame Logan. I don't blame anyone. Not even myself."

Kendall's right eye twitched a little. Damn it. He didn't want her to be rational and calm and sensible. He wanted to come here and argue. He wanted her to be a crazy bitch so that he could finally kiss her goodbye and never have to worry about her again. But here she was...making sense.

"I take responsibility for my actions, don't get me wrong," she continued. "And...well, I know that deep down, you're taking responsibility for yours, and Logan is taking responsibility for his. But the main point is that I'm taking responsibility for mine. It's time for me to stop depending on others for my own happiness."

"Jo, you didn't do anything wrong," Kendall cut in, but not willingly. He didn't want the words to escape from his mouth, but they did.

"That's nice of you, Kendall, but we know that's not true."

He just nodded.

"I just want you to understand that I'm not mad at anyone. I mean...there are things that I can think about that'll make me mad." She paused, looked slightly to the left of where Kendall sat. "You should have told me something, Kendall. You should have given me just a little bit of the truth instead of making a fool out of me."

"I know. And I'm sorry."

"But," she said, returning her eyes to his, "I allowed it to happen. I knew something wasn't right...I had my suspicions about you and Logan. At some point, I even just accepted that it was true."

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asked her, as if her saying something would have solved everyone's problems. "If you had suspicions, you should have just asked me!"

"And what would you have told me, Kendall? That it was stupid of me? That the whole thing was wrong? Or would you have told me the truth?"

"I don't know what I would have told you, but it would have at least stopped things from going as far as they did last week." His voice very quiet. "You could have died, Jo."

"I know that," she said, her strength cracking for just a second. "But Kendall, nobody's perfect. Nobody always knows the right thing to do or the right choice to make. We all mess up at some point. The goal isn't to be perfect. It's to live with our mistakes...and use them to grow."

Deep, deep thoughts, courtesy of Jo Taylor. Kendall was impressed, but he was also dismayed. He didn't want to feel sorry for her. This was just a part of her scheme, wasn't it? Make him feel sorry for her, and then he'll want to be with her again, right?

"I'm being honest, Kendall," she told him. "This is me being open as can be, not holding anything back. You might as well call me Gretchen right now."

That made him chuckle a little bit.

"Jesus Christ, Kendall," she said, glad to see him smile. "Gretchen and Hortense? I think you have a thing for old people names."

He let himself laugh a little louder. "You know any hot chicks named Delores?"

"I have a cousin named Edgar..."

They both laughed.

"Yeah, I always had my suspicions about you and Logan," Jo said. Kendall tensed up a bit, but he could see that he was more worried than she was. "I never saw two guys who spent so much freaking time together who weren't secretly jonesing for each other."

"Well..."

Their eyes met, and Jo got serious again. "I never saw a guy who cared so much about another guy, either. It's...it's real special."

Kendall felt guilty as fuck. "Jo, I'm sorry...I never gave you everything you needed."

"Oh," she smiled as she reached for her water. "No apologies necessary. You didn't give me everything I needed, but you gave me everything you could give, and that was good enough."

"You'll meet a guy who'll love you more than I ever could."

"I'm sure I will," she agreed nonchalantly. "But right now, I'm not focusing too much on trying to get a guy or trying to be everything a guy wants me to be. I think I'm gonna try to figure out who Gretchen is...or Jo...or whoever."

Kendall nodded, understanding exactly what she meant and agreeing with her just the same. It was crazy what attempted suicide and a week of isolation could do to a person's mindset.

"When I'm ready, I'll get back out there again," she continued. "Besides, I'm sure North Carolina is crawling with guys who'd like to date a TV star."

"Yeah," Kendall replied before really hearing what she'd said. "Wait...North Carolina?"

"Yes, Kendall. That's the other thing I wanted to tell you. I'm going back home. Effective immediately."

Kendall let the news sink in. She was going home because of the embarrassment...the embarrassment he'd caused. She was running away from the life she'd made for herself in California, and it was all his fault.

"I can't deal with Hollywood anymore. Too much drama, and I don't mean of the scripted and filmed variety," she elaborated. "This place is just not where I need to be right now. I need to get away from the parties and the drugs and the drinking and the douchebags and...everything."

"But what about _New Town High_? You can't just leave the show."

"They'll figure it out. Remember, our season ended with a cliffhanger. Everybody was headed to Cancun for vacation, but the plane crashed, and the audience was left wondering who died and who survived. Well...I guess my character's gonna be one of the dead ones. Besides, I just need to leave. My sanity depends on it. And please, don't think it's because of you."

"To be honest, it's gonna be pretty hard for me to not think it's because of me. I feel like everything is all my fault. Everything you've gone through...everything Logan's been through. It's all on me."

Jo's silence was her agreement. Yeah, she'd thought a lot, and she'd straightened a lot of things out in her mind, but there were still parts of her that weren't completely ready to forgive or forget. But she knew how to control them, how to keep them in check.

"It's not all on you," she told him warmly. "I did a good job of screwing up my life all on my own."

There was silence as Jo finished her water and Kendall just stared into space. Growing up sucked. It truly, truly sucked.

"So," Jo said, rising to her feet. "I may be leaving, but I don't want to lose touch. I'm gonna buy your CDs and posters and magazine covers and everything. No hard feelings."

Kendall stood up and smiled. "No hard feelings?"

"None."

"Are you going to say goodbye to everyone?"

"Eh," Jo shrugged. "Let them think I was put away in an institution."

"Ha. Well, I was thinking more about...uh..."

"Logan? No, I think Logan and I are done. We talked when I was in the hospital. It wasn't long, but I think it was sufficient for both of us. I'm at peace with him."

"Oh."

Awkward silence as they stood. Kendall kept tugging on the edge of his shirt, and Jo kept cracking her knuckles. Neither one wanted to just end this anticlimactically, with no type of real closure, but what was there to do or say?

"I'm gonna miss you, Ken Doll," she said, and she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "Make sure you treat him right."

"Make sure the guy you end up with treats you right."

"I will," she promised. "I'll tell him that I have a big, strong boy band singer who'll kick his ass if he hurts me."

Kendall laughed, and Jo walked him to the door. "Bye, Gretchen," he said before stepping out of the apartment. "Promise me you'll be good."

"I'll be good, Kendall," she assured him with a twinkle in her eye that he hadn't seen in years. "And I really mean it this time."

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Looks like the worst is over, right? Time will tell. It's interesting, though, what Logan said about them never having gone on a date. You know it doesn't take much for Kendall to get an idea and run with it. New chapter will be up tomorrow!


	28. The Knight and His Prince

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All right, guys, sorry this is coming up so late in the day, but it's here! Thank you for your reviews, and please enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT<strong>

The room was silent. You could surely hear a pin drop. There was anticipation in the air, and the listener waited with baited breath to hear just how this story was going to reach its climax.

"And then we kissed."

Dr. Riley let out an exhale that felt like a hurricane. No matter how many times he'd heard this story in his career - the gay guy who finds out that his supposedly straight crush isn't so straight - it always got him on the edge of his seat. This time, however, the story was a great deal different.

The corners of Logan's mouth twitched. It was partially because of a nervous tick, but it was also like he wanted to smile, but he didn't want to seem obnoxious or too happy.

"How do you feel?" Dr. Riley asked. He finally settled down in his chair and leaned back, beaming at Logan with pride.

Logan gave up trying to be humble and let the grin grow. "I don't know...it feels incredible. Amazing. Spectacular. Like a dream come true."

"Everything you ever hoped for?"

"Absolutely."

Logan had spent the morning filling the doctor in on all that had happened since the last session. Everything. The party...the handsy girls...Trey...and then Kendall. The beach. The revelation. The kiss.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Riley," Logan suddenly said, putting a slight damper on the joyous mood.

"Sorry? Logan, sorry for what?" The doctor had not the foggiest idea what Logan had to apologize for.

"I knew," Logan explained. "I knew all along exactly how Kendall felt. I knew he liked me, too, but I told you that he didn't."

Dr. Riley just shook his head. "No. You don't have to apologize for that. I promise. To be quite honest, I can see why you kept it bottled up. I want to know why you think you kept it to yourself, though."

"I don't know..." Logan mused. "It's like in those movies where people go through these traumatic experiences, and they sorta subconsciously brainwash themselves to forget all about it. I mean, I didn't forget all about those little moments me and Kendall had had...I guess I just figured if Kendall didn't want to be with me, then I didn't want to make him be with me. I just wanted him to be happy, and if that wasn't with me, then I was gonna deal with it."

"Haha," Dr. Riley let out a hardy laugh. "Let me ask you. Are you sure you still want to become a 'real' doctor? Because you've got this psychology stuff whipped!"

Logan laughed nervously. He still felt a little guilt for keeping the truth from Dr. Riley, but seeing how happy the doctor was, he allowed himself to let a little bit of those guilt feelings go.

"I'm glad this has all worked out for you, Logan," Dr. Riley said sincerely.

"Yeah, well...things didn't work out too great at first," Logan said. "Apparently, Jo saw us kissing on the beach."

"Oh?" the doctor asked, putting his listening ears back on and getting serious.

"Yeah. She, um...she hurt herself really, really bad."

"Oh..." No more explanation was needed for Dr. Riley to know exactly what Logan meant by that.

"Yeah. I mean, she's fine, now. She's perfectly fine! We actually talked the next morning, and...I don't think she's going to be a problem anymore."

"Really?"

"Yes. She told me some things...most important, she told me that she hopes things work out for me and Kendall." He paused for a second, remembering the sight of Jo in the hospital bed. "Dr. Riley, I believe her."

Dr. Riley nodded, letting it soak in. "That's your prerogative. If you believe she was being sincere, then I'll have to go with your decision to trust her. You do understand, however, that she might have been in a special state following her incident. Cutting, correct?"

"Yeah, she cut her wrists. And yeah, I get that it might have been the medicine or the lack of blood or whatever, but I don't know...I believed her. Something about the way she said it just made me believe her. Kendall's with her now."

"And how do you feel about that?"

Logan squirmed a little in his seat. He was fine with it. Jo had given him the option of going with Kendall, hadn't she? That meant he had nothing to worry about, right? "It's good. I think they need closure. I'm willing to give them that time."

Dr. Riley nodded again. He wanted to get off of this less-than-uplifting track and back to the matter at hand. "Tell me, what's become of you and Kendall since the truth came out?"

Logan just started shaking his head in disbelief. "I wouldn't even know how to describe it. It started off slowly...very slowly. We, um...well, I guess it started quickly at first. After the beach, we, um...we...well, we went to a hotel."

Dr. Riley closed his eyes and smiled. "I think I get the picture."

"Yeah. And after we...you know...when it was done, we just talked, and it was amazing. It was like nothing had changed between us at all. We were still best friends, and this was only something new for us to talk about. But then we got the call about Jo, and it shook Kendall up."

"To be expected."

"Right, and I get that. I got worried, though, and he started to panic, and I think he was going to backtrack, but I got him to see reason, Dr. Riley! I got him to stay focused on what really matters."

Dr. Riley was beaming again. "And what really matters, Logan?"

Logan didn't answer at first. He thought it was a trick question, as if Dr. Riley was trying to mock him. But then he just said the only thing that came to him. "Me and him. What we feel...what we need...what we want."

"I tell you," Dr. Riley began, but his voice cracked a bit, "you've come a long way from the kid who was in this office a couple of months ago." He reached for a Kleenex and wiped away a few tears.

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, Logan, stop it with your damn apologizing!" Dr. Riley scolded, but he immediately began to laugh. "Tell me more."

"Well, it's just been one day at a time, I guess...Kendall and I had a few more moments where we were able to talk and figure things out a little bit more. We worked nonstop for a week, and then, last night, we talked some more."

"And what is the forecast looking like?"

Logan pondered. He looked out the window. Perfectly sunny California day. Not a cloud in the sky. "Hopefully it's good. I mean...I think we still have a few things that we'll have to get over. He's still scared about telling his parents...telling everyone, really. But I told him that I'm gonna be there for him. And I will."

Dr. Riley reached for another tissue. "Your growth has been phenomenal."

"Thank you."

"Tell me, though, how do you feel about telling your parents and everyone?"

"Hmm," Logan thought. "To tell you the truth, I haven't really thought much about it. I've been so focused on Kendall and making sure he's okay."

"But surely you've given at least a little thought to it?"

"Well...I think my parents will be okay. They're pretty open-minded. They might be worried about me having to deal with, you know, discrimination and oppression and all of that, but...I think they'll be okay. And our friends...I like to think that our generation is different. I hope it won't be an issue."

"And if it is? Are you prepared to endure a lot of pain?"

Logan bit his lower lip and began to worry. "I don't know...I don't know. I mean, I'd have Kendall with me, so I think I could handle anything."

Dr. Riley smiled gingerly and nodded. "I think you have what it takes. The both of you."

Logan felt powerful for a few fleeting moments. He felt like he truly had grown. He remembered when he'd first come to see Dr. Riley...he remembered how shaky it was for him to even say that he had feelings for Kendall. The nerves, the uncertainty...but now he could sit here and tell the doctor that he loved Kendall and that Kendall loved him and that...they were together. Oh, what an eventful summer it had been.

It was getting to be that time, and Dr. Riley rose.

"I would imagine another session isn't needed," he said as he looked at his calendar. "Of course, that's completely up to you."

"Uh..." Logan thought aloud. "I think we can hold off on scheduling another one."

Dr. Riley beamed again. He just couldn't keep that smile off of his face. "That's what every psychologist wants to hear. Logan, please...go forth and be happy. And don't be a stranger. Please, check in and let me know how you're doing. It's been an absolute pleasure working with you this summer."

Dr. Riley extended his hand for a shake, and Logan promptly gave it to him. "Thank you, Dr. Riley. Goodbye."

After leaving Dr. Riley's office, Logan continued to feel powerful. There was an energy inside him, truly a big time rush. He felt as if he could conquer the world if he wanted to. He had Kendall fricking Knight as his boyfriend. That's who he'd be sleeping next to every single night for the rest of his life. That's who'd be rooting for him every single step of the way. That's who would spend eternity trying to make him smile. And, damn it, Logan was going to do all of those things for Kendall as well.

He couldn't help but smile as he walked down the street, and the world was a beautiful Xanadu. And then his phone rang.

It was Kendall.

"Hi," he answered, trying not to sound too ecstatic. "How was your meeting with Jo?"

"It went well," Kendall replied. "It was better than I thought it would be. So, in other words, you were right."

"Well, I'm not one to say I told you so, but..."

"You told me so."

"I did."

"Yeah, well, Jo told me a couple things herself. She's gonna be moving back to North Carolina."

"What? Really?" Logan was in shock, and a pang of guilt coursed through his body. Jo couldn't be doing that well if she was moving back to the other side of the country.

"Yeah. It's fine, though. She's in a real good place right now, mentally. I think she's making the right decision."

"Oh..." It was still going to take Logan a while to process the thought of Jo leaving, though, but a small part of him could see that it only meant that she really had been sincere about wanting Kendall and him to be happy together. Besides, if Kendall was convinced that she was fine, then Logan could believe she really was.

"Look, Jo's fine, but I didn't call you to talk about her."

Logan waited for Kendall to explain further, but when he didn't, he asked, "Well? Why did you call me?"

"Remember last night? When you said that we'd never been on a date before?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, even though I still maintain that we've been on countless dates, I decided to make another one of your little dreams come true."

"Kendall..."

"Just be at the apartment in about half-an-hour, okay? I've got plans for us, Toots."

And just like that, the phone connection was closed, and Logan was left wandering the streets of southern California with the dopiest, cheesiest grin on his face.

* * *

><p>Kendall wanted to make sure everything was pitch perfect. Sure, he was known to be the messiest member of Big Time Rush, constantly tossing things around and not caring one bit about organizing anything. But when it came to romance and trying to please the apple of his eye? Oh, he paid attention to every single detail and left nothing to chance. He wanted this to be the perfect date.<p>

"What are you so giddy about?" Katie asked when she entered the apartment. Kendall was making sure the picnic basket was filled with all of the necessary items. Sandwiches, salad, chips, cookies, drinks, etc.

"Napkins!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Can't forget the napkins." He went to the kitchen cabinet and pulled out a whole box of napkins to put in the basket.

"Okay..." Katie said, shaking her head.

"I'm going on a date," Kendall clarified when he was finally sure everything was ready.

"Oh," Katie replied. She sat down and turned on the TV. "I thought Jo was still recuperating after last week."

"She is," Kendall said. "And she's feeling better. But I'm not going on a date with her."

Katie just clicked through the channels, once again shaking her head. "I can't believe you, you jerk."

"What?" Kendall asked, dumbfounded.

"The girl was on the brink of death last week, and now you're already ditching her for some other skank. Who is she?"

"For your information," Kendall said, ready to get her good, "the skank is Logan. I'm taking Logan on a picnic in the mountains."

She just kept on clicking. "Oh great. You get to lead him on even more and then turn him down at the last minute. You're definitely living up to our last name, Knight in Crappy Armor."

Kendall rolled his eyes. Whenever Logan got back, he'd just show her how wrong she was.

"I can't believe you," she continued. "You're perfectly fine with making a big girly picnic, and you're gonna go out into the mountains, where the two of you will be all alone, and you're gonna get his hopes up as high as possible, and then you won't even kiss him. For shame, big brother. For shame."

"Who's to say that it'll happen that way?"

"Me. And based on your history, I think I'm pretty much right on the mark."

"Oh, Katie," Kendall sighed obnoxiously. "Oh, young, simple-minded Katie. Too young to see what's right in front of her."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, sitting up on the sofa.

"Oh, you'll see..."

And right on time, Logan came through the front door. He still had his big smile on, but once he saw Katie, he knew he had to keep his emotions in check.

"What's all this?" he asked, indicating the picnic basket, but he kinda assumed that it was for Kendall and himself.

But Kendall didn't answer him. No, he just grabbed Logan and whisked him into a romantic embrace. "Come here, my flawless prince," he said and kissed Logan right in front of Katie.

Her eyes were wide open, and she was truly surprised. "No way!" she yelled.

"Kendall," Logan said when the kiss broke. "I...I think your sister knows."

"Damn right, I know!" she exclaimed excitedly. "It's about time you two got together! When did this happen? How did I not know about it?"

"Haha, baby sister," Kendall said, feeling like she'd gotten her comeuppance. "You don't know everything after all."

"Uh, Kendall," Logan said, tugging at Kendall's arm. "She knows about us..."

"Relax, Logan," Kendall told him. "She's known all along. A long time ago, she figured out how I felt about you, and she's been giving me trouble over it ever since."

"Trouble?" Logan asked, nervous about what that meant.

"Kid, if it was up to me, he would have rocked your boat years ago," Katie confirmed. "I still don't know when this happened."

"Well...it's not for you to know right now," Kendall told her. He patted her on the head. "Just know that you've finally gotten what you've always wanted."

"A house on every continent?"

"No!"

"I know," she said with a wink and a smile. "I know."

Kendall grabbed the picnic basket and Logan's hand. Logan was still bewildered by all that had just happened, but he was slowly getting the gist of it.

"Look," Kendall said to Katie, "you're the only one who knows, okay? Well, Jo knows...but that's whatever. You're the only one in this apartment who knows, and it has to stay that way for now, okay?"

"Deal," she said.

"We'll see you when we get back."

And with that, Kendall dragged Logan behind him out of the apartment. They unclasped hands in the hallway, but that energy that Logan had had when he'd left Dr. Riley's office was totally back. Now, though, it bounced between the two of them and just got bigger.

Katie was left in the apartment feeling very accomplished. Oh, she could scheme and manipulate and calculate to get what she wanted, and she knew how to play hardball with the big boys when necessary, but, sometimes, she was just like any other little girl. She needed to believe that, no matter what, the knight and his prince (or princess) would always get their happy ending.

* * *

><p>The excitement never died down as Kendall and Logan dashed out of the Palm Woods before anyone could see them, got on a bus, and sat in a corner as they rode out into the Santa Monica Mountains.<p>

"When did you have time to plan this?" Logan asked. He looked out the window of the bus as if he'd never seen the streets of Hollywood before, but then again, he felt like a brand new person, and all of his surroundings felt new as well.

"Oh, you know me," Kendall said smugly. "I get things done."

Logan just smirked at him and opened the picnic basket, peaking in at all of the food Kendall had packed. "Nice," he said. "And to think, I almost thought about getting lunch somewhere after leaving Dr. Riley's office."

"Yeah, well, like I said. I get things done," Kendall repeated, but then he furrowed his brow. "Who's Dr. Riley? I thought you said you were going to that trigonometry thing again."

"Oh...uh..." Logan stuttered. Shit. He'd gone months without having a single problem keeping his visits to the doctor a secret from everyone, and now a simple picnic basket made him slip up. But he thought quickly, and he realized...did he really have to keep it a secret anymore?

"Dr. Riley is a psychologist," he said, his face getting hot. It suddenly occurred to him that Kendall might not have liked the fact that Logan was off seeing some shrink, telling him all of their business.

"A psychologist?" Kendall asked, trying to make it seem like he wasn't concerned. "Why were you in a psychologist's office?"

"For...um," he stumbled, but then he just said it. "I needed help, Kendall. I'd gotten to the end of my rope with everything, and so I started seeing Dr. Riley at the beginning of the summer to try to get over things."

"Get over what?"

Logan looked down. "You."

"And you've been seeing this doctor all summer long?"

"Yes."

Kendall took a deep breath. Being mad at Logan for talking about him to a shrink was the furthest thing from his mind. No, he was mad at himself. Not only did he have Jo trying to kill herself, but he also had Logan seeing a freaking shrink. He went from feeling like a million bucks to all of about a dollar-fifty.

Logan looked at him and could see the sad expression on his face. "It was my last session, Kendall," he said. "I don't need it anymore. He even told me himself! Everything's better now because of you."

Kendall looked at him, forced a smile, but when Logan returned that fake smile with a real one, Kendall couldn't help but feel better, too, and they put it behind them.

"What's this?" Logan asked as he dug into the basket and felt something hard. He carefully pulled it out and discovered it was one of his books. "You brought this along?"

"Yeah," Kendall said. "I figured in case you get bored or something, you could read it...or something."

Logan shook his head. "Kendall, I don't want to read a book. I want to spend all of my time with you."

Kendall smiled again, and he put his arm around Logan's shoulders. This act caught the attention of the older lady sitting next to them, and she leaned over to her sleeping husband. After giving him a good slap to wake him up, she pointed to Logan and Kendall. The old man stared, making the guys feel extremely uncomfortable, but then the old lady forcefully yanked his arm and put it around her own shoulders.

"We used to be as in love as you two," she said. "Every now and then, we have to be reminded."

As soon as Logan and Kendall got off the bus, Kendall took Logan by the hand and led him through the mountain park. They were almost running, and everything moved past Logan's eyes so fast that he couldn't stop to take it in.

"Kendall, I want to see those plants," he said in the nerdiest voice ever, but Kendall didn't care. He just kept pulling him along and pulling him along until they ended up in a secluded little alcove overlooking a huge canyon.

"Take a look at this," Kendall said, as if this was what the whole trip had been building up to so far.

Logan beheld the sight of the canyon. It was majestic, dressed in green trees and shrubs and covered by a blue sky. There was a gentle wind, but there was a stillness in the air that made the place feel like paradise.

While Logan took it all in, Kendall set up their picnic on a nice, flat rock.

"Come on, your food's gonna get cold," he called.

"Kendall, those are sandwiches," Logan said as he joined him.

"I know. And that was a joke."

"So funny I forgot to laugh."

They sat quietly on the ground and had their lunch. Miraculously, no bugs bothered them, and there was ample shade to block the sun's harsh rays. Kendall's efforts had been rewarded, and this was going over just as a perfect date should. After lunch, they linked up with a group of hikers and went through the mountains, giving Logan an opportunity to finally learn more about the various flora and fauna that interested him so. Kendall took in the fresh air and wilderness, longing to one day live off the land himself.

After the hike, they were tired out and hungry again, and they returned to their spot, where they ate the rest of their sandwiches.

"You've been here before, haven't you?" Logan asked when they were finished eating.

"I have."

"With Jo?"

"Nope. All by my lonesome."

And of course, the thought of Kendall being up here on this mountain by himself just made Logan want to love him even more.

"Yep," Kendall continued, "sometimes my secret spot on the beach just wasn't secret enough, so I'd get on the bus and come here."

"And you'd just sit here?"

"Yeah...and think. About life...about the past...about the future..." Kendall got up from the ground and helped Logan up too. "Let's sit over here," he said, leading Logan to another big, flat rock that gave them a view of the canyon.

There was a certain maturity about the calmness of the scene. The quiet sounds of nature, the wondrous beauty of the world...it made the two lovers feel like they were blending in with the environment, as if they were part of nature, as well, as if their feelings were part of nature. Kendall felt that it was all worthwhile, every single bit of it, now that he was standing in front of this beautiful sight with Logan's hand in his. This was what all of the pain and struggling was for. And yeah, there was still some pain and struggling to go, but moments like this? When nothing and no one mattered? These moments were the light at the end of the tunnel. They were the prize.

And Logan felt just as enlightened. All of his dreams had come true and were still coming true. Kendall was his. Forever and always.

"Kendall, what do you think the future is gonna be?" he asked softly, as if not to disturb nature.

"I don't know...whatever we make of it, I guess."

"I still want to be a doctor."

"And you will be."

"After this is all over with...after the music thing ends, I'm gonna go back to school and work really hard, and I'm gonna make it happen."

"I know you will, baby," Kendall said. That word..."baby"...it came so natural to him to call Logan that, and it just fit.

"What about you? What are you gonna do?"

Kendall sighed, thinking it over in his head. "I don't know..."

"There's a lot you don't know," Logan teased.

"Well...I don't!" Kendall laughed softly. "I mean...I've always wanted to go pro, but so much of my attention's been on the music that I don't know if I have what it takes to be a hockey player anymore."

"Oh, Kendall, don't say that!" Logan said seriously. "You can do anything you put your mind to, and if you really want to get back to hockey, you could."

"I know...but the thing is, maybe I want to stay focused on music. You know, I can be like John Mayer or somebody. A guy with a guitar who sings from the heart."

Logan scoffed. "John Mayer. You only said that because you know I don't like him."

Kendall grinned. "You like that one song he did. 'Edge of Desire.'"

"Okay, you got me there," Logan admitted.

"Besides," Kendall went on, "I can just picture it. Me, the singer-songwriter, and you, the doctor. We'd live in a nice house up in Beverly Hills. A nice big swimming pool...and, of course, a rink in the basement."

"A big library, too."

"Yep. And...well...I guess a few rugrats running around."

"Ha..." Logan let out dryly. The thought sent a shiver up his spine. Him and Kendall...with kids? Jesus, this was all starting feel way too real. "And where would those rugrats come from?"

"Of course, the biology nerd would ask that. Where do you think they'd come from?"

"Well, I know they'd probably come from a surrogate or an adoption agency. But I was wondering where you thought they'd come from."

"I thought the same thing as you, then. Surrogate or adoption agency."

Logan glared at Kendall and gave him that look that made Kendall know that Logan was no fool.

"Okay, okay," Kendall gave up. "I always envisioned you being pregnant."

"I knew I'd be the pregnant one!" Logan yelled. "How did I know it? How did I know?"

"Well!" Kendall declared. "I always figured, you know...in the case of...'relations,' I'd always be the, um, pitcher, and you'd always be the catcher. But I guess you proved me wrong on that."

Logan just snickered mischievously. "Yes, I did."

"And, anyway," Kendall added, "I think you'd look cute with a lil baby bump." He patted Logan's belly, which made Logan blush.

"Okay, so a big house in Beverly Hills, ice rink, library, kids. What else?"

"Nothing else," Kendall decided. "We'd just go on about our lives. Crazy in love with each other...taking care of our little boy and little girl...making sure Carlos and James stay out of trouble...maybe have our own reality show for a few seasons. We'd have it made in the shade."

Logan moved in closer to Kendall, thinking hard about those predictions that could very well come true. Their lives, together...after everything he'd worried about, he never thought it'd ever come to this. But he was so glad it did.

"And then," Kendall intoned deeply, "the years would pass. Old things would be replaced with new things...the kids would grow up, and we'd have grandchildren. Everything around us would change. But me and you would stay the same. Until one day...it's gonna happen...one of us is gonna have to go. And the other...he's gonna be sad, but he's gonna know that he was loved. No matter what, he's gonna always remember everything and keep those memories close. That first day in Mrs. Martin's class, the trips to my grandparents' cabin, the football games, the lazy Saturdays at home, the sleepovers, all of the craziness that we've had to deal with in California...all of those things will stick with him. And then one day, he's gonna go, too, and then we'll be together again...wherever we end up."

There were little tears rolling down Kendall's face as he struggled to say that last piece. But it was true...that was how he'd always dreamed it would be whenever he'd come up here on this mountain. And now, with Logan with him, it felt so real. The future was theirs, and they were going to take it. Their life together was ready to be lived.

"You said you'd never leave me," Kendall whispered softly into Logan's ear. "You promised."

"I know. And I never will."

They kissed as the sun began to set.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Oh, isn't love grand? Isn't it great? Too bad happiness doesn't last forever.


	29. Rude Awakening

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Here is Chapter 29! It's a pretty heated one, in more ways than one! Hope you guys enjoy, and thanks for continuing to read and review!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE<strong>

"Knight steps to the plate! He's been looking rather shabby lately. He's not hitting the homers we've gotten used to seeing from him. Let's see if he can impress us today."

Carlos always did get way too into it whenever the guys would play around in the Palm Woods pool. Today, the game was baseball, or at least an aquatic version of it that was adjusted for four people. But whatever. They were having fun, and there was no better way to beat the summertime heat.

"I'm calling it. This one's gonna go out of the park," Kendall bravely predicted. "Or...out of the pool. Whatever you want to say."

Of course, it was he and Logan versus Carlos and James. Logan was already on base, and if Kendall could really knock the beach ball out of the pool, they'd both be able to score, breaking the 4-4 tie they shared with Carlos and James. This was serious business, and bragging rights were on the line.

"Diamond delivers the pitch," Carlos announced as James tossed the ball Kendall's way. "And Knight swings..."

Kendall used an inflatable bat to hit the ball, but, unfortunately, it didn't leave the pool. Instead, it went right to where James was, and he was able to tag Logan out before he could reach home. Just as Kendall was about to make base, though, he let out a pained shriek.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit!" he hollered, attracting the attention of everyone sitting out by the pool. "My ankle!" He tried to balance himself on one foot, but he kept slipping and falling beneath the water. James rushed to his aid and held him up.

"What's wrong with it?" James asked.

"I don't know. It feels twisted."

James and Carlos just looked at each other, unsure of what to do. Logan joined them and went underwater to look at Kendall's ankle. "Yikes," he said. "Yeah, it's twisted."

Kendall winced with pain and started to groan rather loudly and dramatically. "I'll call 911," Carlos suggested as he began to lift himself out of the pool, but Logan laughed.

"That's hardly necessary, Carlos," Logan said. "It's not an emergency."

"Well, we should at least get a doctor, right?" James asked.

"Logan is a doctor," Kendall reminded him, but James just rolled his eyes.

"Right. Logan is a doctor, and he'll know exactly what to do. I meant an actual doctor. One with certificates and lollipops and stuff."

Logan reached under the water and began to massage Kendall's foot. Well...he started to tickle Kendall's feet, and Kendall found it hard to keep from giggling.

"Actually, I know exactly what to do for this," Logan said in a strictly professional voice. Neither James nor Carlos caught it when Kendall and Logan gave each other that certain type of look. "If the patient would just come with me upstairs, I'll have him feeling better in no time."

Logan got out of the pool, and Carlos helped him lift Kendall out, too. Kendall's ankle looked fine, but he let out another glass-shattering shriek when he tried to walk on it.

"We're coming, too," James insisted, getting ready to pull Carlos out of the pool with him, but Logan waved them back.

"No, we're going to need as much space as we can get. I'll let you know about visiting hours later."

And as Logan helped Kendall limp along into the building, James just sat on the edge of the pool watching them. He wasn't so stupid, and neither was Carlos, who still floated around in the pool. They exchanged a suspicious look before getting back to frolicking in the water.

Of course, they were right to be suspicious.

Logan helped Kendall all the way into the elevator in silence, and they rode all the way up to their floor in silence, and they limped all the way to their apartment in silence. And when they entered and closed the door behind them, they celebrated.

"I can't believe they fell for that!" Logan exclaimed.

"I told you, it works every time," Kendall said. He finally straightened out his leg and hopped up and down on his supposedly twisted ankle.

"The funny thing is," Logan informed, "when you were in the water, whether your ankle was twisted or not, as long as as you were floating, you wouldn't have felt any pain at all. You'd expect people to realize that, but I guess not. And come on, with your fair skin, there was no redness? We gave them too many hints."

"Yeah, well," Kendall said as he felt Logan's arms, "now that we're in your office, Dr. Mitchell, I think I'm gonna turn the tables a little bit."

"Oh, really?"

"Oh, yes. Yes, yes. The patient is gonna give the doctor a full-body check-up." Kendall leaned in closer, letting his hands trace the outline of Logan's body.

"Is he really?"

"Yes. And if Dr. Mitchell is a good boy, Kendall has a lollipop for him."

"Hmm..."

"Mmm..."

They started to make out against the front door, thankful that they finally had the apartment to themselves. Lord knows they'd been waiting for it. It was a week after their "date," and as fun as it was to sneak around and see how many kisses they could steal behind people's backs and how many times they could feel each other up under tables, they'd been itching to share some quality time in the apartment. With everyone else outside on this beautiful summer afternoon, the guys knew they had their chance, and that was when Kendall had decided to "excuse" themselves from their game of pool baseball.

"Don't forget, you owe me," Kendall expressed in between kisses as Logan sucked on his neck. Logan was becoming quite the little sexpot, knowing all of the ways to push Kendall's buttons.

"Owe you for what?" he asked.

"The first time...in the hotel...you flipped the script at the last minute. I think you were scared."

"Oh, really? Scared of what?"

"You know."

Kendall took Logan's hand and made him feel the growing erection between his legs as it created a rather large bulge in his wet swim trunks. "You're scared of that," Kendall clarified.

Logan was feeling bold. "I can handle that."

"Oh, you can?"

"Yep. Let me show you."

And Logan grabbed Kendall by the hand and led him to their bedroom, looking door behind them. They went back to making out, this time against their bedroom door, and Logan began to loosen the drawstrings on Kendall's trunks.

"I don't know if you can take it all," Kendall warned seductively.

"I'm gonna take as much as I can," Logan promised.

Kendall took off Logan's shirt as Logan stuck his hand under the waistband of Kendall's trunks, pinching the tiny bit of fat around Kendall's midsection. Kendall leaned over and started to bite his nipples, making Logan instinctively pull him closer.

"So," Kendall gasped while kissing Logan's chest, "you gonna suck this thing or what?"

Kendall's dirty language made Logan chuckle, but then a certain intimidation came over him. He'd never done this before...he didn't know the right way to do it. Camille had tried to go down on him once, but she said she didn't like it, so they never did it again. Kendall had sucked him off on their first night of passion, but Logan had been so caught up in his own pleasure that he hadn't taken notes or anything on the proper way to give a blowjob. Always the studious one, he'd Google'd it once, but none of what he'd found made sense.

"Come on," Kendall said, pulling his lover behind as they went to Logan's bed. Kendall laid himself down on the bed, and Logan straddled him. They continued to make out, but Logan could feel Kendall getting bigger and bigger under him, and he knew he'd have to stop worrying and just go for it. He kissed a trail down Kendall's bare chest and followed a faint line of blond hairs from his belly button to the waistband of his trunks. He pulled the trunks down enough for Kendall's cock to show itself, and he closed his eyes, hoping he'd do this the right way.

"Fuck yeah, Logan," Kendall moaned quietly as Logan dragged his tongue up the underside of Kendall's dick. "Yeah, that's it...that's it..."

The words of approval gave Logan the confidence he needed to get more into it, and soon he had all of Kendall in his mouth. He could feel the head tapping at the back of his throat, and it felt like he would swallow it whole, but the louder Kendall's moans got, the more he wanted to take in. He drenched the cock with his spit and it slid in and out of his mouth, and he finally felt like he was getting the hang of it.

"So good...mmm."

Logan was careful to not bite. If he knew nothing else about sucking a dick, he knew that teeth were a no-no, and so he stayed on the side of caution and let Kendall slip out of his mouth. He licked up and down the shaft and tugged at Kendall's chlorine-scented balls, making Kendall twist and jerk around in the bed. There was something about the way Kendall's body twitched under his touch that got Logan's motor running, and he lightly tickled the inside of Kendall's thighs, making Kendall convulse violently.

"Oh, I'm gonna fuck you hard for this," Kendall said through clenched teeth.

Logan started to smile as he lightly ran his tongue over Kendall's legs and back on his cock. Oh, this was funner than he thought it would be. The first time they'd had sex was dark, and it all happened in a blur, but this time they were more comfortable.

"That's it, I'm taking over," Kendall announced, and he rolled over so that Logan was under him. He fell down into a messy, wet kiss, and his still-throbbing cock rubbed up against the cloth of Logan's shorts. He lifted himself up again, and he looked at Logan's sweet, innocent, boyish face. He couldn't wait to make him scream, but first, he wanted to play.

"Strip for me," he instructed, tugging at the T-shirt Logan was still wearing.

"What?" Logan asked, sure he'd heard Kendall wrong.

"I want you to get up and take off those clothes," Kendall explained, and he hovered off of Logan's body, resting on his elbows in bed. "Strip."

Logan broke into chuckles again, but he got out of the bed and stood in front of Kendall, ready to take off his shirt. "It's hard to strip without music..."

"Hmm," Kendall said, enjoying Logan's bashfulness. "All right." He leaned over and turned on the small clock/radio next to Logan's bed.

"You cast a spell on me, spell on me. You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me. And I decided you look well on me, well on me. So let's go somewhere no one else can see you and me."

Logan felt the rhythm in his legs and started to dance a little. God knows he wasn't the greatest dancer, but working with the choreographers at Rocque Records had helped a great deal. He could bust a move when the job called for it, but he was much too shy to dance at parties or around others. Now, though, he didn't feel so inhibited.

"Come on, start taking it off," Kendall demanded, and he started to clap.

Logan just flashed that grin and kept up with his disco-like moves. "What do you want me to take off first?"

"Get that shirt off, stud," Kendall encouraged. "Whoop whoop! Let me see that body!"

Logan pursed his lips and began to pull the shirt over his head. "Likin' what you see, sailor?"

"Aye aye, captain!"

Logan took off his T-shirt and threw it at Kendall, who couldn't resist the urge to catch in his mouth, even though it was soaked in pool water and chlorine.

"Turn around and take those shorts off," Kendall instructed once he got the shirt out of his mouth. "Lemme see what ya workin' with, shawty."

"Okay, Bieber," Logan teased when he turned around.

"Turn the lights out now. Now, I'll take you by the hand, hand you another drink. Drink it if you can. Can we spend a little time? Time is slipping away, away from us, so stay. Stay with me; I can make, make you glad you came."

Logan was surprising even himself with the way he could shake his ass to the beat of the song, and before he knew it, he was pulling down his swim trunks and was standing naked with his back to Kendall.

"Oh yeah," Kendall growled. "Come here."

Logan turned to him and approached the bed, but Kendall pulled him down and rolled on top of him again to make out. He tugged at Logan's hardening cock and jerked Logan's and his own off at the same time as they kissed, making Logan start to twitch as bad Kendall had done.

"You're ready for this?" Kendall asked. He wanted to be sure Logan wanted to do this. He didn't want it to be a bad memory or a failure or anything negative. Now that they were together, he wanted them to be together completely.

Logan just nodded and kissed Kendall again, and Kendall carefully rolled him over onto his stomach. He hovered over Logan's body, sucking hard on his neck and definitely leaving a few passion marks. He lightly ran his hand down Logan's side, resting it on his hip and letting his dick lay on Logan's back.

"Don't worry. I'm gonna take good care of you, baby," he whispered in Logan's ear. "Tell me if it hurts, okay? I don't want to hurt my prince."

Logan nodded again. Truth be told, Kendall's constant reassurances were only making him more nervous. He could guess that Kendall had gotten Jo to try all kinds of different things, so this probably wasn't new to him, but for Logan...well, simply put, he'd never gotten fucked before, and he had a feeling that no dream was going to prepare him for the feeling of Kendall ramming into his ass.

"Take me, Kendall," Logan whispered back. "Take me now."

One of Kendall's hands stayed on Logan's shoulder, and the other moved down to his ass. He gave it a good pet, slap, and squeeze before letting a rogue finger slip down to find Logan's hole.

"You're tight," Kendall whispered. It was less of a comment to Logan and more of a vocal observation.

But Logan's eyes were closed and his mouth hung open just a little bit as he braced himself for a feeling that would be entirely new to him.

Kendall's long, bony finger found its way inside Logan, and Logan immediately closed in on him.

"You gotta let me in, baby," Kendall told him quietly, and Logan nodded against his pillow, not wanting to disappoint. He took a deep breath and pushed, giving Kendall room to move his finger in and out, in and out, in and out. Kendall kissed his cheek as a reward, and Logan pushed harder. Then, Kendall rose up on his knees and scooted back to spread Logan open and spit on his hole. He worked the finger in again and began to rub his dick, hoping it wouldn't hurt Logan too much.

"Remember what I said," he soothed as he leaned back into Logan's here. "Let me know if I hurt you. Please let me know."

Logan nodded again, but he was too ready to turn back now.

The radio still played in the background. Fortunately, it was something slow and moody, perfect for the occasion.

Kendall leaned down to Logan's butt and kissed each cheek before preparing to invade with his massive tool. First, he let the head slide in on its own, but then he thrust the rest of it in little by little, and he could feel Logan tense up under the pressure. He slowed his rate of entry just a little, but he leaned into Logan's body and kissed his neck, and he could feel the penetration get much easier. He and Logan began to make out as Kendall slowly rocked on top of him. Suddenly, it was evident that both of them were extremely nervous, but they clung to each other as they explored this new layer to their relationship.

"Mmmm," Logan sighed in a high-pitched tone. "Ahh..."

"Does it hurt?" Kendall asked. He stopped moving once he could feel half of his dick in Logan.

"A little, but don't stop..."

And so Kendall took that first half out and put it back in, very slowly, very carefully, very passionately, and he kept his lips on Logan's the entire time.

* * *

><p>They basked in the glow of their second sexual experience. Logan's breathing was heavy, but each breath full and rounded as he lay in Kendall's embrace. Kendall lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, while Logan stared at the sky through the window.<p>

"I feel like a cigarette is necessary right now," Kendall remarked.

"Too bad we don't smoke," Logan replied.

"Right."

Logan wondered if he'd done everything the way he was supposed to. It felt weird for him to be so worried, though, considering this was their second time, and the first time, it had been him taking the lead and topping Kendall. It just felt like that had been so long ago, and on that night, they hadn't been themselves at all. Today felt like it was the very first time they'd actually done it.

"Kendall...did I do a good job?" he asked, hoping Kendall would answer him seriously and leave the jokes aside.

"You were perfect," Kendall answered him sincerely, and he pulled Logan in closer. "Everything I ever wanted." Logan kissed the side of his torso in return.

The radio was still going strong, with Nicki Minaj's "Starships" providing a weird soundtrack for the afterglow.

"I think we'd better get up and get dressed, though," Kendall said as he slipped out of the bed. "I'm sure everyone's gonna be coming up sooner or later, and we can't have them wondering why our door is locked at two in the afternoon."

"Yeah," Logan agreed. They both put on some underwear and went into the bathroom, where Kendall peed and Logan brushed his teeth.

"We're gonna have to tell Carlos and James sooner or later," Kendall admitted. "It's gonna get old sneaking around all the time.

"Well, we don't have to tell them anything until you're ready," Logan reminded him before he shoved the toothbrush in his mouth.

"I know, but...I mean, I feel like I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of them knowing."

"What do you think they'll say?" Logan asked after he spit out the toothpaste - and possibly a little bit of Kendall's evidence.

"I don't know," Kendall replied. They went back into the bedroom and sat on Kendall's bed. "I guess they'll be okay with it...I mean, I know Carlos's parents are all into the Catholic thing, but he was never really like that."

"Right."

"And James...well, to be honest about James, I wouldn't be surprised if he could empathize with us, if you know what I mean."

Logan smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"So...when do you think we tell them?"

"I don't know...I guess I've kinda been thinking about it. Maybe we take them out to dinner, just the four of us. We thank them for being good friends over the years...let them know that nothing's gonna change between us...and then we just tell them."

"Ha," Kendall let out as he got up to find some clothes to put on.

"What?" Logan asked.

"Nothing, I'm just laughing at your joke," Kendall said.

"What joke?" Logan asked, wondering if he'd missed something.

"The whole idea of us making this big old Lifetime movie production out of telling them," Kendall revealed. "I mean, you weren't serious, right?"

"Uh..." Logan fumbled. Of course, he was serious! He figured his idea made perfect sense. They'd butter James and Carlos up a bit, get them feeling really sentimental about the friendship the four of them shared, and then they'd break the news, and it'd be hard for Carlos and James to be unsupportive. That made the most sense, right? "Okay, and how do you think we should do it?" Logan asked defensively.

"Not like some kind of after school special, that's for sure."

"They don't even make those anymore."

"And we don't need to start the revival," Kendall cracked. He put on a shirt and some shorts. "How about this. We just let them figure it out. Don't say anything...don't make a big deal out of it. Just stop being so secretive all the time and let them catch on. They're not that dumb."

Logan's eyebrows popped up. "You want our friends to just figure out that we're in a relationship? You don't think that this is big information at all? Like...extremely huge information?"

"It's big information, but I don't see why it has to be a big deal."

"Because it IS a big deal, Kendall!"

Kendall put his hands on his hips and looked at Logan, who still sat. "Only if we make it one. If we don't make a whole thing out of it, then no one else will either. Everyone figures it out, and it's over. There's no awkwardness, and then we can all just go back to being normal."

Logan twitched at the sound of that word. Normal. It was like a dagger going through his heart. They had to "go back to being normal." And what did that mean? They'd let everyone play a good old-fashioned game of "Figure It Out," and then after the game was over, they'd pretend like none of it ever happened? That's what "normal" was for Kendall, right? He'd spent years running away from his feelings for Logan, so it wouldn't be hard for him to keep running.

"You really think it would happen that way?" he asked, starting to not care about sparing Kendall's feelings. Kendall clearly wasn't sparing his, and this was how all of their arguments over the years would start, with Kendall being way too uncaring about Logan's feelings.

"Why wouldn't it?"

"I don't know, Kendall. Maybe because finding out two of your best friends are gay and sleeping together really isn't something that people just accept and move on from. I mean...it's an enormous thing! They're gonna have questions, and we'll have to answer them, and things are gonna change and..."

And Logan had managed to say Kendall's own "dagger" word. "Change." Everything would "change."

"You told me that things didn't have to change," Kendall threw at him. "You told me that everything would stay the same."

"I told you that I would stay the same, Kendall," Logan corrected. "But you'd have to be pretty stupid to think that everything's gonna go on like it's always been. That's just idiotic thinking."

Kendall felt insulted. "Wow. It's amazing how the truth comes out in a heated moment."

"What?"

"Stupid. Idiotic. Nice words," Kendall said petulantly.

"Oh my God, that's not even what I meant, Kendall," Logan sighed.

"Well, what do you mean, Logan?"

"All I'm saying is that if you have it set in your mind that everything's gonna be perfect and great and 'normal,' then you're in for a rude awakening. You really have to grow up and stop trying to please your deadbeat dad."

"You know what?" Kendall began as he slipped into some flip flops. "If that's the way you think, then maybe we shouldn't tell anyone anything. Maybe we shouldn't have anything to tell people about."

"Fine," Logan said, calling Kendall's bluff. "Maybe you can go to North Carolina and find Jo. Or Gretchen. Or whatever she's calling herself."

"Asshole doesn't look good on you, Logan," Kendall snapped as he went for the door. Logan stood in his underwear and watched him go.

"Coward doesn't look good on you."

And Kendall slammed the door.

Out in the living room, James and Carlos had heard the tail end of that conversation. Not enough to be one-hundred percent sure that their suspicions about Kendall and Logan had been true, but enough to perk their ears up and take notice.

"Whoa...what happened?" James asked when Kendall came storming into the living room.

"Kendall, your ankle!" Carlos called out, noticing that Kendall was walking on it with no pain.

"Mind your business," he told them both in the most dismissive tone. He grabbed his key and left the apartment.

"Okay...what the hell was that?" James asked as he and Carlos were left to put the pieces of their puzzle together.

"Dude, something went down."

"Clearly," James concurred. "But what?"

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> And suddenly, there's trouble in paradise. There are only THREE chapters left, yall, so don't get too worried!


	30. The Test

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This was supposed to be posted on Friday, but I didn't like the way it came out, so I rewrote the entire thing! Sorry about that, but it's here now, and I hope you all enjoy! Thanks for reading and reviewing.

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER THIRTY<strong>

Logan lay flat on his back in bed. It was shaping up to be a clear, gorgeous afternoon outside, and the sun was bursting through the window with all of its golden power. Everyone at the Palm Woods was taking advantage of this beautiful day, but Logan was in his room...hoping he could fall asleep...because he knew if he didn't, he'd probably end up crying.

Did it all end that quickly? Was the dream over already?

In the back of his mind, maybe he knew that he was overreacting a little bit. It was just a little fight! That's it! After all of the wonderful moments he and Kendall had shared since finding each other, would one small disagreement really spell the end of their new relationship?

As he rolled over on his side and stared at Kendall's side of the room, he remembered fights they'd had before. Always petty little things, for the most part. Logan would want to watch _Jeopardy_, but Kendall would just need to see _SportsCenter_. Logan had wanted green paint for their room, but Kendall had wanted blue. Even back in Minnesota, most of their fights could be summed up as immature disagreements. There were those times, however, when things got a little bit more serious, and Logan would always question if those fights would be the end of their friendship.

Sometimes, he would wish they had been.

_"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Kendall asked when he barged into the men's bathroom. He found Logan leaning over the sink, spraying water into his face._

_"I'm sorry, Kendall. I'm sorry..."_

_It seemed like they were always apologizing to each other lately._

_They were on what was supposed to be a double date at a pizzeria back in Minnesota. They were sixteen years old, and this was a few months before they'd left for California. Kendall's date was Heather Roberts, one of the most popular girls in school. Head cheerleader, volleyball player, etc. An athletic masterpiece with a body that made all the boys turn their heads. Logan's date was Angel Masterson, who was no monster, either. She was a valedictorian-in-the-making, just like Logan, and so they knew each other very well as friends. The thought of them dating, though? It scared Logan shitless._

_"Angel thinks she's doing something wrong," Kendall told him with no ounce of sympathy. "You have a date with a gorgeous girl who's a nerd just like you, and you know that's rare. But you're screwing it up for what?"_

_Logan just kept throwing the water in his face. "I'm sorry, Kendall."_

_"Don't apologize to me, dork," Kendall said, giving him a rough push._

_Logan just wished he could shrink into a ball and disappear. He wished Kendall would leave him alone. He wished Angel and Heather didn't exist, and he wished he could spend the rest of his life in his room._

_"I don't understand you," Kendall said, shaking his head. "You complain about being alone all the time, you make the rest of us miserable because you can't get a girl, and so when I go out of my way to get you one, you mess it up. This happens every freaking time, too! What the fuck is wrong with you?"_

_Logan was getting angry. Whenever Kendall got hot under the collar and started shooting the insults out, it was like he'd become a different person. He'd get a fire in his eyes, and he'd get just downright mean. Logan didn't like it, and it made him want to be mean right back._

_"Nothing's wrong with _me_," Logan replied. He finally turned the water off. "Maybe you're the one with the problem." Oh, that was below the belt. This whole episode took place a few weeks after the boys had spent the weekend at Kendall's grandparents' cabin - the weekend where Kendall boldly decided to sleep in Logan's arms. Logan wasn't stupid. Far from it. He knew that Kendall Knight wasn't the big, macho ladykiller that he pretended to be. He was beginning to realize the truth - Kendall liked him. Kendall fucking liked him just as much as he liked Kendall, but Kendall was too much of a freaking chicken to admit it._

_"Oh, nothing's wrong with me," Kendall protested hotly. "You can believe that. I'm a normal guy. I do normal things. You're a fucking dork, and you'll always be by yourself. I've tried and tried to make you normal like me, but you don't know how to be normal. You just want to be a f-"_

_And he almost said it...but he knew he couldn't._

_"What am I? Huh, Kendall?" Logan asked, pleased that Kendall was going to go there, because he was quite ready to go there as well._

_"You're a fucking dork," Kendall grabbed at and said quickly._

_Logan just shook his head and chuckled. "Right. And you're a f-...fucking idiot."_

_Kendall just stood there, his menacing eyes staring hard at Logan through the mirror. The second Logan caught a glimpse of those eyes, though, all of his irritability, all of his need to match Kendall's anger, dissipated. He could immediately see the hurt and confusion in Kendall's eyes...he didn't know what they meant exactly, but he could see them there, and all he wanted to do was hold Kendall and tell him that everything would be all right...that he could be "normal" if he needed to be, if that's what Kendall wanted from him._

_But he knew he couldn't be "normal." Not anymore. He and Kendall had gone through too much...they'd been too close. It was too late for him to just turn his feelings for Kendall off, even though it seemed as if Kendall could just turn his feelings for Logan off. Logan just wasn't as strong...or maybe his love was too strong._

_"Look," he began, hoping Kendall had calmed down enough to listen to reason. "Maybe...maybe things are just changing between the two of us."_

_"What do you mean?" Kendall asked, panic quickly setting into his voice._

_"Maybe we can't be friends anymore."_

_"No," Kendall protested, and his voice got very high, as if he was trying to prevent a disaster. "No!"_

_"Kendall, we can't be friends if all I keep thinking about is-"_

_"Don't say it, Logan. We can't talk about it!"_

_Logan gulped and swallowed the words. "And that's why we can't be friends."_

_"You told me you'd never change. You said you wouldn't leave me, Logan."_

_Logan stared at the floor. "Sometimes people can't help the way they feel. Sometimes we can't stop ourselves from changing."_

_Kendall's panic turned back into anger. Who did this fucker think he was? Didn't he know that he belonged to Kendall? Didn't he know that Kendall owned him in every single way? He'd signed a verbal contract and promised to always belong to Kendall. That was the deal. And now he was walking out on him. So what if Kendall didn't want to talk about the gay feelings they obviously had for each other? So what if Kendall couldn't deal with being a fag right now? That didn't mean Logan had to leave him out in the cold to deal with it all on his own. Didn't Logan know that Kendall needed him more than he needed air to breathe?_

_Maybe he knew but he just didn't care, and that would make Logan just like everybody else._

_"Fuck you," Kendall dismissed him rudely. "You faggot."_

_And Kendall stormed out of the bathroom, leaving Logan to fight back the tears that were surely going to come. He didn't want it to end this way. This wasn't their friendship...it was like something that belonged to another pair of people. He felt like an outsider watching another set of friends falling apart, because this? This wasn't him and Kendall. Those two boys were the best of friends and nothing could ever come between them...nothing. Not even each other._

_But Logan didn't cry. No, he sighed in relief instead. If this was the end of their friendship, then maybe he could be happy again. Maybe what he felt for Kendall would soon disappear, and he could move on with his life once and for all._

Of course, that hadn't been the end of their friendship, and as Logan sat up in his bed, he knew that today wouldn't be the end of their relationship. That would have been a cruel, cruel joke for the fates to play, wouldn't it? For them to spend years finding their way to each other for it to blow up only weeks after they finally got to each other.

Logan got out of bed and stood in front of the mirror to make sure he looked decent. He'd gotten dressed in a nice summery little outfit, one that really fit him well. He wasn't gonna give up on Kendall this easily, and he knew Kendall wouldn't give up on him. He gave himself one last look over and prepared to head out to the one place he knew Kendall would most likely be, but just as he was about to leave, the door opened.

"Hey," Mrs. Knight said when she came into the bedroom. "I twisted the knob on the off chance that it might be unlocked today."

"Sorry about that," Logan said. Feeling the wind being taken out of his sails, he busied himself with some unalphabetized books on his shelf. "Kendall and I have been doing a lot of writing, and we didn't want any interruptions." That was the story they'd decided to tell anyone who would ask about their frequently-locked door.

"I see," said Mrs. Knight. She smoothed out the tousled sheets on Kendall's bed, which hadn't been slept in for several nights. "You guys have been doing a lot of work considering you're supposed to be on vacation, huh?"

"Oh...uh, yeah." Logan suddenly got nervous. It felt like she was trying to interrogate him or something. There was a faint smell of sex in the air, and if Mrs. Knight paid close attention, she would have noticed that two people had been sleeping in Logan's bed.

"Well, make sure you don't work too hard," she told him in a maternal tone. "I want you all to enjoy this time off. God knows what Gustavo has planned for when it's over."

"Uh...yeah," he answered, hoping she was done so that he could go find Kendall.

Mrs. Knight stopped moving for a second and just took in the room. She wasn't one of those snoopy, meddlesome mothers who could come up with about a thousand different reasons to find herself digging through her son's things. No, she'd rarely even stepped inside the boys' room without a basket of laundry under her arm or bottle of disinfectant in her hand. But when she was in the room? She did her best to read into as much of it as she could. It was less about snooping, though, and more about trying to learn more about her maturing son. He was very quickly approaching adulthood, and if she never took the time to find him out, she knew she risked not knowing him at all when he grew up.

"To tell you the truth, I've been a little worried about Kendall," she tried to say casually as she moved to straighten out the knickknacks on her son's nightstand.

Logan was puzzled as he awkwardly stood at his shelf with his back to Mrs. Knight. "Worried? I don't think there's anything to be worried about as far as Kendall is concerned."

"Well, you know how mothers are," she said with an ironic warmth. "I don't know...I feel like he's going through a lot of internal struggle now that Jo's gone back to North Carolina. He spent so much time with her and cared so much about her, and I don't know if he's ever really come to terms with what she did."

"Well..." Logan hesitated. He didn't know what to say. Tell her the truth, that Kendall was only with Jo as a way to stay away from him? Or just humor her, build up Kendall's "love" for Jo?

Before he could respond, Mrs. Knight went on. "It was never all that clear to me why he was so drawn to her, but he was."

"Really?" Logan asked, turning to face her. This was a surprise. He'd always assumed that Mrs. Knight loved Kendall and Jo's relationship.

"Yeah, I know that's horrible for me to say, but...I don't know. I always felt she was too brash for Kendall, too...hard. You know how Kendall is. He's stubborn and he's set in his ways, and once he makes a decision, he sticks with it. But then when it blows up in his face, he's very sensitive. He needs someone who gets that, someone who'll let him talk as much crap as he wants to but won't throw it all in his face and make him feel an inch tall when he realizes he's wrong."

Logan had a light bulb moment. He'd made Kendall feel about an inch tall just an hour earlier. As the words he'd said flashed through his mind, he felt horrible, and all he wanted to do was get to Kendall as soon as possible and tell him he was sorry.

"Logan, promise me something," Mrs. Knight said, approaching Logan and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Be that person for him. Try to understand him...care for him...let him know that you're there for him." Logan's overwhelmed response made her amend her plea. "I know, I know, it's weird for me to ask you to 'care' for your best guy friend, and I swear, I'm not asking you to be his stand-in girlfriend, but...make sure he knows you love him. Kendall needs to know that people love him."

Logan looked down at the floor.

"And here I am," Mrs. Knight said as she went back for the door, "creeping you out with all of these motherly thoughts. I'm sorry."

"No, Mrs. Knight, don't apologize," Logan said. "I...um...I understand what you're talking about. And I promise you that I'll do that. I'll do it for as long as Kendall needs me to."

Mrs. Knight turned back to him and smiled warmly. "Thank you, Logan. I know I can count on you."

* * *

><p>Kendall sat on the beach and gazed out into the distant, distant ocean. So far, so wide, so big, so unknown. Just like life. Nothing was ever certain, and you couldn't trust a single thing. If you made the mistake of giving your heart away, you could end up lost in the current and washed away forever.<p>

He knew he'd been wrong and that he needed to apologize to Logan, and he fully intended to once he got back to the apartment. He just hated the fact that he'd gotten so defensive and douchey to begin with. So what if Logan had wanted to sit down and have a mature discussion with their friends? That didn't have to be a big deal...James and Carlos weren't the type of guys to make a big deal out of anything anyway. Maybe Logan had the right idea. Just sit them down, talk to them about it, and then they could move on.

Move on to what? Kendall asked himself.

Ugh. He just wished it was easier, but that was too much to ask.

He could hear footsteps in the sand getting closer behind him, and the wind carried just enough of the cologne to his nose for him to know who was joining him.

"I was just thinking about you," he said, never turning back to face Logan, who stood with a pink smoothie in one hand and a pomegranate-and-peach in the other.

"I was just thinking about you, too," Logan said as he sat next to Kendall. "Actually, you've been on my mind all day."

"Heh. I tend to have that impression on people."

Kendall took his smoothie and they both sipped for a while.

"I guess I went and did it again," Kendall remarked serenely. "Went and tried to stop us from growing up again."

"Oh, Kendall, don't say that about yourself..."

"Well, it's true, isn't it? I was scared to tell James and Carlos, so I convinced myself that it would be okay not to."

"And there's nothing wrong with that. I shouldn't have called you a coward."

"No," Kendall protested. "You were right to. If my boyfriend can't tell me the truth when I need to hear it, who will?"

Logan didn't say anything, but hearing that word again..."boyfriend"...it made him feel so tingly inside.

"I shouldn't have called you an asshole, though," Kendall said. "That was over the line."

"Eh, well, I was being quite an ass," Logan admitted.

Kendall giggled childishly. "You have quite an ass."

"Oh, you pervert!"

They sipped in silence for another little while as the waves crashed in and the sun beat down.

"For your information," Kendall informed, "I actually had it set up in my mind that we would never tell anyone, and no one would ever find out. I figured if I brought up the idea of telling James and Carlos every now and then, you'd see that I was thinking about it, and you'd just keep putting it off and putting it off until I was ready, and then one day, you'd realize that we don't have to tell anyone."

Logan paused to digest all of this, then he took a deep breath and started shaking his head. "Kendall, it can't be like that."

"I know! I know. That's not how it works. I get that. But my mind doesn't care about logic or anything like that when I'm scared of something."

Logan wanted to put his arm on Kendall's shoulders. He wanted to rub his back and kiss his cheek, but he had to remember that they were in a public place and could be seen by anyone. He knew Kendall felt his love, though, and that was enough for him.

"You don't have to be scared, sweetheart," he whispered so gently that the words almost got carried away with the breeze. "I'm gonna be with you every step of the way. You already know that."

"I know."

Another silence.

"So I guess we're back to square one," Kendall said, tossing his empty cup to the side. "How do we tell them...when do we tell them?"

"We don't have to until you're ready," Logan said.

"Do you really want to pin it all on when I'll get the guts to tell them?" Kendall asked with a smile. "No, I'm giving it all over to you. You make the decision, and I'll live with it."

"Kendall, I don't want to force you into anything that you're not ready for. If you want to wait, we can wait. If you want them to just 'figure it out,' I guess we can do that, too."

"Nope," Kendall replied. "No. They deserve better than that. Everybody else, whatever. They can figure it out or never figure it out, I don't care. But Carlos and James...they're our friends, and we need to tell them."

Logan nodded slowly and carefully sat his cup to next to him. "What about your mom?"

Kendall made a large sigh and tucked his head between his arched knees.

"We don't have to, Kendall, but...it's gonna be awkward if everyone in the apartment knows except for her. I wouldn't feel right doing that to her."

Logan listened carefully, and he could hear that Kendall was crying. He was trying to sniff back the tears, but it wasn't working, and Logan looked around, quickly scanned the area, and moved closer to Kendall, fitting his arm around Kendall's midsection.

"Please, baby, don't cry," Logan begged. "She loves you. She would do anything in the world for you, and she just wants you to be happy."

Logan rubbed Kendall's side for a few minutes as the blond boy regained his bearings. This was just so freaking hard...all of it.

"All right," Kendall said when he popped his head back up, dried tears on his face. "All right. We tell them. We tell them all they want to know."

Logan didn't say anything, he just gave Kendall his space.

"We tell them," Kendall repeated. "Tonight."

* * *

><p>Dinner was uncharacteristically quiet at Apartment 2J that night. Mrs. Knight had ordered Chinese takeout, and so everyone was busy picking through their food, trying to eat all of the recognizable pieces of chicken, shrimp, and rice before daring to taste some of the other items. Of course, the menu wasn't the only reason why there was such a tense silence at the counter.<p>

Logan and Kendall kept eying each other between bites, each one waiting for the other to make the first move. Time was slipping away, though, and they both knew that once dinner was over and everyone scattered to their respective rooms, their chance would be gone. It was now or never...or, rather, now or much later. The sooner they got it done, the easier it would be.

Katie didn't know what they had planned, but she could sorta sense that something big was going to happen. James and Carlos, as ignorant of the whole truth as they were, could sense it, too. And Mrs. Knight? Well, she was just happy to see that Kendall seemed to be in a somewhat okay mood. She knew that Logan had taken her earlier request to heart, so everything was fine as far as she was concerned.

So they ate quietly. A little small talk here and there about Palm Woods happenings, but nothing major. In fact, the most stimulating conversation they'd had was all about how Guitar Dude was supposedly dating a porn star. Once that died down, though, Kendall surveyed everyone's moods...checked eyes with Logan once more. He wanted to show Logan that he was serious, that he had meant every single word he'd said about finding the strength to do this. He didn't want Logan to be the strong one all the time through this. He was going to light a fire under his own ass and force himself to take those risks. That's what being Kendall Knight was all about after all.

And so he cleared his throat. He gave Katie a look to tell her that this was going to be "it."

"Uh...so I have something to say," he began, his voice dripping with nervousness and apprehension. He didn't even look anyone in the eye...just stared at his plate. "Actually, me and Logan have something to say."

Logan held his breath and looked at Kendall...was it really about to happen?

"We...uh..." Kendall said, but then he looked at Logan for support. Logan didn't say anything, but that look in his eye...the encouraging look that he'd always had any time Kendall was nervous about a hockey play or about singing a high note in a song...it was there. "Logan and I have decided...between the two of us...that...we...uh..."

James and Carlos exchanged looks. Were they going to finally get the confirmation they'd been looking for?

"We like each other...a lot," Kendall kept on. "Like...a lot. And...we've decided...to do something about it. Uh..." But then he shook his head. "You know what? I don't even know why I'm nervous about this." He looked up at his mom, at his friends. "Me and Logan want to be together. We love each other, and we're tired of hiding it."

Logan immediately exhaled, and he couldn't have felt any prouder of Kendall. He wanted to reach out and hug him and kiss him on the cheek, but he turned to the others to gauge the reactions.

James and Carlos first looked at each other and smiled. "So we were right all along," James said when he turned back to Kendall.

Mrs. Knight's eyebrows were perked up, and she had a confused grin on her face...as if she'd been blindsided but was totally amused by it. "Wait...come again?" she asked.

"Mrs. Knight," Logan stepped up, "I love your son. In every way that you told me you wanted me to love him."

Mrs. Knight nodded as to acknowledge her and Logan's earlier conversation. "I didn't think you'd take my words so literally," she cracked. Her tone was good, and Logan figured he could start calming down.

"Wait," Kendall said, "what words?" And then he looked to Carlos and James. "And what do you mean you were right all along? Why do I feel like me and Logan aren't the only ones with secrets here?"

James and Carlos tried to decide who would speak up on their behalf, and it ended up being Carlos. "We...we, uh..."

Katie sighed. "They got suspicious of you two, but they were too chicken to just come right out and ask you!"

"Thank you," said Carlos as he let himself relax.

"We really really really didn't want to say anything because...what if we were wrong?" James explained. "And we didn't like sneaking around behind your backs."

"Wait, sneaking around?" Logan asked, caught a little off guard. "What do you mean by sneaking around? Did you go into our room?"

"Once!" James admitted. "But I promise, it wasn't to sneak around. I thought I'd left something in there, but I didn't...but I saw something that I probably shouldn't have seen."

"What did you see?" Kendall asked.

James looked down. He felt like shit, but since the truth was coming out, he had to keep it going. "Logan's journal...I thought it was mine, so I just opened it without checking to make sure..."

Kendall turned to Logan, whose face was red. "What do you have in your journal?"

"Stuff," Logan said, "...that I wrote...about you."

Kendall digested this, and it almost made him smile a little. His journal was filled with songs he'd written about Logan...it only made sense that Logan's journal would have stuff he'd written about Kendall. And because this felt so sweet as he thought about it, he didn't hate James or Carlos for snooping around and drawing conclusions. Besides, he knew he wouldn't have admitted anything had they just asked.

"All right," Kendall said, turning to the guilty parties and deciding the matter was over. "Now you know."

Carlos and James nodded. "And it changes nothing," Carlos assured as James nodded in agreement. "Everything's gonna be the way it's always been."

There was a sweet moment between the four boys that lasted for a few seconds. James and Carlos reached out with sincere eyes and honest hearts, and Logan and Kendall could feel the love.

While all this went on, Mrs. Knight just observed. The wheels in her head were turning, but she didn't want to interrupt anything. She understood how important it was for Logan and Kendall to get the approval of their friends. Plus, it gave her a chance to get all of her thoughts together, and she had a lot to think about. When the room got silent again, she suddenly felt all eyes on her, and the pressure was on for her to say something. She wanted to make it clear to everyone that she wasn't going to rage out and be "that kind" of parent, but she needed a moment with her boy first, just to make sure everything was the way it was supposed to be.

"Kendall, can I speak to you in private?" she finally asked. When her tone wasn't as light as she'd wanted it to be, she quickly added, "It'll only take a minute," with a smile.

Kendall, trained over the years to always obey his parents, immediately got up from the counter and followed his mother to her bedroom. Logan wanted to follow, but he knew it wasn't his conversation to be a part of.

"All right," Mrs. Knight said when she and Kendall sat on the edge of her bed. "All right, so all I want to know is a couple of things."

"Okay," he said. Something about the way she spoke made him feel comfortable. It reminded him of when she had sat him down to discuss the whole idea of picking up and moving to California. Was this really turning out to be all right after all?

"How long has it been going on?" she asked.

"Only a couple of weeks," Kendall answered. "I swear, we would have said something sooner, but-"

"No, no, that's all right," she stopped him. "It's fine. You guys probably needed the time to figure things out yourselves. I get that. Does Jo know?"

"Yes."

"God, Kendall...please don't tell me that what she did was because of..."

"It was."

She started massaging her temples. "That poor girl..."

"But she's better now, Mom, she's much better!" Kendall reminded her, not wanting to lose any of her respect or love. "We talked, and she talked with Logan, and she's okay with it, and she's better!"

It would take more than just "she's better" to make Mrs. Knight cool with the fact that a child she'd raised had indirectly caused another mother's child to try to kill herself, but she nodded and accepted that things were okay now for Kendall's sake. In time, she knew she would get over it.

"Does the way you feel about Logan have anything to do with Jo?" she asked.

"No!" he replied. "No! It's not like that at all, Mom, I swear! I...I started feeling this way about him way before I ever met Jo, way before we even came here."

"How long _have_ you felt this way?" she asked, as if she was reading off of a list she had written in her mind.

"Oh, Mom..." he said, not knowing where to begin. "It's been a long time...I don't even know if I could say how long it's been."

She nodded again. Was she testing him? Was he passing? Was he failing?

"Do you love him?"

Kendall didn't answer. He turned his head away from her. For some reason, this question, more than the others, was hard to answer. It was as if this was the essay question, the one worth half the test grade. There was no right or wrong answer...he just had to say what he felt and back it up with the supporting details. If he failed this one, all of the others wouldn't have mattered.

"Please answer this for me, Kendall," she said, all of a sudden begging him. "Do you love him? Does he make you happy? I need to know."

"He does, Mom," Kendall finally confessed. "He makes me so happy...and...I love him more than words can say. And I'm done with just being friends with him. If he can make me this happy, and I know I make him happy, too, why shouldn't we be together?"

Tears starting to roll down her face, Mrs. Knight turned to her son and hugged him. She was proud. So proud. He'd finally showed her, after all this time, that he was ready to be a man.

"I love you so much, Kendall Knight," she said into his shoulder as she broke into a full-on sob. "You'll always be my baby boy."

And it slowly dawned on Kendall that all of this was going to be all right. Everything would work out. Here was his mother, now completely knowledgeable of the fact that he and Logan were in love, and she was hugging him, telling him she loved him, and the pride was pouring out of her eyes and staining his shirt. He couldn't help but feel that this was right...every last part of it was right.

"Come on," she said, sniffing back a tear and standing him up. "Let's go back to our family."

Carlos, James, and Katie all sat with baited breath to see how things had gone. Logan, though, was decidedly more mellow. He knew what he believed in his heart. He knew what Mrs. Knight wanted for Kendall. He knew that she couldn't be anything but happy for them.

When they came back from the bedroom, she approached him. "Come here," she said, taking him into a hug. "I love you," she told him. "And thank you for loving my son."

Everyone else smiled at the warm reception, even Katie, who couldn't resist the urge to bop Kendall on the head. "You should have done this years ago," she told him.

"Well..." he trailed, knowing she was right.

"Now that everyone here is on the same page," Mrs. Knight announced after hugging the life out of Logan, "let me just say that I am proud of each and every one of you. You've all matured in ways that I never thought possible, and it...well...it just makes me happy, okay?" She started crying again.

"Mrs. Knight, are you gonna be okay?" Logan asked, prepared to give her another hug, but she shooed him away.

"I'm fine, Logan, I promise. I just need a little time to compose myself," she said, reaching for a box of Kleenex on the counter top. Once her nose was blown and her eyes dried, she announced, "I feel like going out for ice cream. Anybody wanna join me?"

Everyone did, and there was a pleasant, happy excitement buzzing around the apartment as everyone got ready to go out. As the boys went to their rooms, Kendall even had the balls to kiss Logan on the lips in front of Carlos and James, who were definitely not prepared for that.

"Wow," James said in awe. "This is really real now."

"Problem, boys?" Kendall asked as he held doe-eyed Logan in his arm.

"No!" Carlos promised. "No problem. Just...a lot of adjustment."

"Well, take all the time you need," Kendall said. "Lord knows it took us a while to get used to it all."

James and Carlos went to their room while Logan and Kendall popped into theirs to straighten their hair, grab phones, etc. While Kendall combed his hair, Logan just watched him. He couldn't believe how far they'd come, but here they were. He knew Kendall would have killed him had he brought up how "dreamy" everything was, so he kept it to himself. But he was thinking it, all right. This whole thing was a dream come true.

"I can't believe you," he said when he stood next to Kendall in the mirror. They gazed at each other's eyes in the glass, and Kendall rest his hand on Logan's hip.

"Believe me," Kendall replied.

"First, you tell them, then you talk to your mother about it, then you kiss me in front of James and Carlos. Not too long ago, you were standing in that bathroom crying your eyes out because you were scared to touch me."

"Things change," Kendall said. He kissed Logan on the cheek. "People change."

"I thought you didn't like change."

"Some change is good."

Logan nodded and smirked, trying to downplay his happiness. "It only took you eleven trillion years to figure that out."

They finished gathering up their stuff, but as Kendall pulled his phone off its charger and stuffed it into his pocket, a thought crossed his mind very, very quickly, but it lingered long enough for it to give him pause.

"What's the matter?" Logan asked when he caught a glimpse of Kendall's worried expression. Kendall shook his head, but Logan knew better. "Come on, Kendall..."

"Nothing," he said. "Just...every time I think I've gotten over the biggest hurdle, I keep reminding myself that there are more hurdles to come. Being true to myself was one...being true to you was another one...talking to Jo about it was another...then everything from tonight...but it's not over yet."

Logan could feel his heart breaking for his boyfriend. "It's gonna be okay, Kenny..." He rubbed Kendall's back. "Everything's worked out better than you thought it would so far, right? There's no reason why things can't keep going that way."

"Heh. For some reason, I don't see my dad crying tears of joy like my mom did tonight."

"Well," Logan began, grasping for anything to say that would make Kendall feel more comfortable. "Maybe you can get her to talk to him about it...maybe she can make him see things her way..."

Kendall could allow himself to get bogged down by thoughts of his father again, but he knew where that would take him. Back to the cold, unfeeling place where he picked fights with Logan to stay away from him and tried to come up with any excuse to keep their relationship as cool as possible. He didn't want to go there anymore...he wanted to be with Logan, and he didn't want to worry about anything else.

"Let's not talk about that tonight," he finally decided. "Let's just be happy."

Logan replied with only a smile and a light smack on the back.

"And since when do you call me Kenny?"

Logan grinned. "I don't know. It felt right."

"I like it."

They left their bedroom to join the others. When they passed by Mrs. Knight's bedroom, though, Kendall caught a glimpse of her on the phone. She had a very alarmed expression on her face, and when she extended her finger to call him into the room, he rushed by her side. Was she really on the phone with his dad already? Was she telling him everything? How was he reacting? What was he saying?

Logan hung in the doorway, not sure if he needed to be a part of this or not. If Sean Knight was on that phone, though, and if he was ready to tear his son to pieces, then Logan knew that Kendall was going to need him. He knew Mrs. Knight would have wanted him there.

"Kendall, your father..." she began when she put the phone down.

"What does he have to say?" he asked. He didn't even think to be mad at her for calling him and telling him so quickly and without Kendall's permission and right before their supposed-to-be-joyous ice cream celebration.

All of a sudden, everyone else was in the doorway, too.

"Tell me, Mom," Kendall pressed on. "I can handle it."

But then Mrs. Knight's eyes went from Kendall to Katie.

"Your dad had a heart attack this afternoon. They're saying that...he didn't make it."

Katie was frozen for a second, but then she raced into her mother's arms, her muffled cries shakily coming out in spurts.

Kendall just stood, not looking at anything or anyone, until he was in Logan's arms, crying his own eyes out.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> So...what now? Is Kendall going to have to live with this for the rest of his life? Or will he ever find closure? Find out in the final two chapters!


	31. Pride and Joy

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** The penultimate chapter! Expect the finale before the week is through :) Thanks for reading and reviewing. Love you all!

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE<strong>

The flight to Minnesota was an early one. Kendall, Logan, Katie, and Mrs. Knight were all up and out of the apartment by 5:00am and were on their plane by 6:30. James and Carlos had opted to stay in California.

While the plane quietly hummed through the sky, thousands of feet in the air, Kendall and Logan sat next to each other, trying to keep themselves busy so that they wouldn't give in to the natural - and pressing - urge to embrace or just hold hands. The plane was crowded, so being openly affectionate with each other probably wouldn't have been a good idea. All it would have taken was for someone on the flight to recognize them as "those guys from that boy band" and spread it all over the Internet that they were a pair of queers, and Gustavo would have been on the phone with them in an instant.

Logan thought about Gustavo. They'd have to tell him eventually...but not now. Now, the only thing on his mind was Kendall and making sure Kendall was comfortable.

Kendall had his eyes closed and his head back, and his favorite Incubus album was being piped into his ears by way of his iPod. Logan looked up from his magazine at him. He looked so peaceful and serene...as if nothing was bothering him. Oh, but Logan knew that deep inside, Kendall was suffering all the pain that could be associated with loss and confusion. No matter how much Kendall may have said he hated his father, there was still that part of him that just wanted to please the son of a bitch. That part of him had never gone away, and now that Mr. Knight was dead...Logan wondered if it ever would.

The night before, Logan had stayed awake until he was sure Kendall was fast asleep. The feeling of Kendall in his arms...his abdomen going up and down with each breath...the warmth of his breath gently blowing over Logan's hand...his heartbeat vibrating through Logan's body. If Logan had ever had any doubt that he and Kendall belonged together, these things had erased it completely. He'd fallen asleep shortly after Kendall had, but he'd keep waking up on account of these nightmares he'd keep getting. In each one, he and Kendall would be standing at Mr. Knight's grave...and Kendall would be crying, but then Logan would kiss him. But then, Mr. Knight would dig through the dirt and grass, and he'd break out of his grave, and he'd attack Logan for making his son "not normal." Even on the plane, Logan was freaked out by it, but he kept on a brave face for Kendall.

Kendall's eyes opened, and he looked at Logan. He didn't say anything, but the eyes spoke volumes. They reassured Logan that they would make it through this...that this was just a trial they would have to go through. Their connection was strong, and their love was stronger.

* * *

><p>Minnesota always felt like home. No matter how much time would pass between the boys' trips back to the Land of 10,000 Lakes, as soon as they'd step off the plane, it would feel like they'd never left.<p>

The Minnesota summer was considerably much cooler than the California one, but Logan had easily adapted to that by wearing a light sweater. He was walking up a familiar street, on his way to a familiar house, and he felt chills going down his spine.

I'm here...and I have to do this.

Kendall and his family were all gathered at his aunt's house, and, after making sure Kendall would be okay, Logan had decided to do something he knew he'd have to do sooner or later. This trip to Minnesota was mainly for them to attend Mr. Knight's funeral and for the Knights to be with family, but it was also an opportunity that Logan had to take advantage of.

I'm going to tell my parents, he reminded himself when he finally reached his childhood home. I'm going to tell them about me and Kendall.

It was a scary thought, but he didn't know why. His parents were never like Kendall's dad. They were never overbearing or over-demanding or strict or stern or anything like that. His dad had been the near-perfect father. He'd always ask Logan about his feelings, he'd always make sure his little boy was happy and satisfied with life. His mother was a little bit of a nag, but what mother wasn't? She'd always done whatever that was needed to make sure Logan was a content little dork. There was no reason to believe that this wouldn't go over well.

He walked up to the front door. They were expecting him, but he hadn't really given them a time. So first, there'd be the surprised gasps and gleeful smiles. They'd hug, they'd kiss, they'd tell him he was so handsome. They'd force him into the kitchen and feed him something extremely fattening but extremely delicious. Of course, they'd express their sympathy for Kendall's loss and ask how he was holding up. Logan would tell them he was "taking it as well as to be expected." They'd ask how things were going for him in California, even though he called them every other day. He'd say things were going fine. Then they'd ask the question..."Have you found someone yet?" And he'd tell them...yes, he found someone. And that someone was Kendall.

"Oh, my precious baby boy!" Mrs. Mitchell exclaimed when she opened the door and saw her son standing there. The pride and joy were radiant on her face, and she grabbed him into a big hug. "Alan, come quick!" she called to her husband. "Hortense is home!"

"I do believe he prefers to be called Logan now," Alan Mitchell joked in that goofy, dorky, corny "dad" way when he joined them in the foyer. "Put 'er there, son!" He held out his hand for Logan to shake, but he ended up taking him into a big hug as well.

Just as Logan had predicted, he soon found himself sitting at the kitchen table with a plate of his mom's homemade doughnuts. California had changed his eating habits so much, but he forced two of them down as well as a whole cup of coffee.

"Oh, you're so handsome," Mrs. Mitchell squealed as she pinched his cheek and put the dishes in the dishwasher. Mr. Mitchell sat across the table from Logan and just shook his head.

"Why, he's a Mitchell. It's in his genes," he said, beaming. "You look just like your grandpa's World War II portrait."

Logan chuckled nervously. In the olden days, he'd loved all the attention his parents had heaped on him. Now? Not so much. It made him a little bit uncomfortable. Maybe it was the sting of knowing that maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't be so proud of him after all, once they knew the truth.

"Of course, we're very sad to hear about Kendall's loss," Mrs. Mitchell offered when she rejoined them at the table, her third cup of coffee in hand. "It must be very painful to lose your father at such a young age."

Logan nodded. "Yeah..."

"How's he holding up?" Mr. Mitchell asked.

"He's...taking it as well as to be expected," Logan said, hoping he'd remembered his line correctly. It was sometimes painful how predictable his parents could be.

"Well," Mr. Mitchell sighed, "with a best friend like you, I think he'll be okay. And, of course, he knows that he can come to us for anything, right?"

"Yes."

Mrs. Mitchell nodded in agreement. "I know he's probably overwhelmed, but see if you can try to get him to come see us before you boys are headed back to California. Jennifer, too."

"Will do, Mom."

Mrs. Mitchell nursed her coffee. Mr. Mitchell scarfed down his fifth doughnut. Logan twiddled his thumbs and wanted to shoot himself.

"So, how _are_ things over in the Golden State?" Mr. Mitchell finally asked.

"Fine. Just fine," Logan replied very quickly and sharply, as if he'd been waiting and waiting and waiting for the question to finally be asked. "I mean," he said, hoping he hadn't been jerky, "it's fine. Things are really going great. We're on vacation for the rest of the summer, but we've been working very hard, and we have a lot of good things coming up in the fall."

"That's so great," Mrs. Mitchell squeaked. "We're so proud of you. We're proud of all of you, really, and every time I see you on a magazine cover or on TV, I can't help but smile. My little boy's all grown up!"

She was dangerously close to crying, but Logan hoped she would fight the temptation. There was a strange thing with him...any time his mother cried, it would make him want to cry, too. Even if it was for something as silly as a character dying on her favorite soap opera, if she was a blubbering mess, then Logan would be, too. Needless to say, his already-heightened emotions wouldn't have been able to stand a display of tears today.

"Tell us, son," Mr. Mitchell began, and Logan knew exactly what was coming next. "Have you found yourself someone yet?"

Logan squeezed his lips together and took a deep breath. Damn...he never figured it would be so hard.

"Oh, leave him alone, Alan," his mother suddenly said, surprising both he and his father. "He'll find a girl when he's good and ready to. He's a very busy boy!"

"Really, Joanna?" Mr. Mitchell asked, genuinely taken aback by his wife's cool comment. This was the woman who'd constantly email Logan pictures of her friends' daughters.

"Yes, really!" she replied.

Logan so could have used this as an excuse to not tell them. His mother had set it up perfectly, and all he would have had to do was concur with her statement. He'd find someone when he was good and ready. He couldn't have asked for an easier way out, and as his mother went back to the dishwasher and his father opened the newspaper, it felt as if he'd been handed a reprieve from the tough ordeal of coming out to his parents.

Think of Kendall, a voice from nowhere echoed through his brain. Think of Kendall. Are you going to deny your love for that boy? While he's in a world of pain, you're gonna sit there and stuff your face with doughnuts and act like you never loved him at all? Be lucky you have a chance to tell your father the truth. Kendall doesn't. Not anymore.

The repetitive voices, with their piercing words and truths, piled up in Logan's head to the point where he knew he had to just say something, anything, to segue into telling his parents the truth. His eyes went from his mother to his father, both of whom were focused on other tasks in that moment, but he just had to do something.

"Kendall," he blurted out, as if just saying the name would explain the entire story to his parents.

"That poor boy," Mrs. Mitchell sighed at the dishwasher.

Logan's eyes darted to her, and he was almost angry that she didn't just "get" what he was trying to say.

"He has Logan," Mr. Mitchell commented, never putting the paper down.

Logan just sat there, looking around, unsure of what he could possibly say next to get his point across. Of course, he could have just said, "I love Kendall, and we're together." Or he could have said, "I've been having these feelings for Kendall for years." He could have said a variety of things, but he couldn't. Logan was never the spontaneous person Kendall was, who, in the heat of the moment, could just put his feelings out there for everyone to see.

Then a thought crossed his mind.

"He does have me," Logan said as he mentally zeroed in on the perfect opportunity to reveal all to his parents without having to think of what to say. He got up from the table, which prompted a concerned look from both his parents, and he disappeared down the hall, presumably headed to his childhood bedroom.

He pushed opened the door and found the room just as it had been when he'd left for California. He went into a bin that was in the corner and rummaged through the science magazines and hockey trading cards (Christmas and birthday gifts from Kendall, of course), searching for one particular thing that he couldn't seem to find, but then he stopped and stood erect in the middle of the room. The memory of where he'd put it came rushing back to him, and he went under the bed, found the hole he'd poked in the box spring, and fished around in it until the piece of paper was in his hand.

After straightening himself out and dusting himself off, he took the paper with him back to the kitchen, where his parents were only partially concerned with what he was trying to do. With no introduction or warning or any kind of preface at all, Logan opened the folded piece of paper, which was starting to turn yellow, and read the scribbled handwriting.

"'Kendall slept over again last night,'" he read, which finally got his parents' complete attention. "'It was the tenth night in a row. That makes over a whole week he's been staying at our house. I don't want him to ever leave. I won't be able to sleep without him on the floor next to my bed. He makes me feel safe and protected, and I don't want him to go away. It's sad that his mom had to leave to "find herself," but it would be great if she just stayed away forever. Kendall is so sad, but I try my best to make him feel better. We play video games and talk about hockey, and sometimes we just talk about life. Late last night, I swear I heard him crying. I wanted so badly to get on the floor and hug him and tell him everything would be all right, but I knew I couldn't. My parents say that we're like brothers, but I don't think so. I think we're like something else. I think I might love Kendall. If only I could tell people that.'"

By the end of the reading, Logan had tears running down his face. His father's eyes were full of questions, and his mother just seemed confused. She took a few steps towards Logan and asked, "Logan...what is that?"

"I wrote this," he said, almost talking to himself as much as he was answering her, "when I was fifteen years old."

Mr. Mitchell slowly put his newspaper down. "Logan, are you trying to tell us something?" he asked, as if he was talking to Lassie.

"Kendall and I...we love each other. We've decided to be together."

The parents let it sink in while Logan came off the rush of reading his private thoughts aloud. He'd hidden that piece of paper before he and the others had left Minnesota. He would have brought it with him, but it would have been too risky to try to keep it in his and Kendall's room without Kendall finding out. He knew there was a possibility his parents could have found it, but maybe a part of him had wished they would have.

But that didn't matter now. He'd gotten it and read it to them, and now they were both standing there, staring at him as if he was an alien. And then his mother started giggling uncontrollably.

"Mom..."

"Oh, I'm just laughing," she said in a very ominous way as she went back to wiping off the kitchen counters. "I'm laughing at my silly little boy and his silly little thoughts."

"Mom!" Logan exclaimed, frustrated by her unclear reaction.

"You're being so silly, Logan," she said. "Kendall has a girlfriend. That girl, Jo."

"Not anymore! They broke up. She doesn't even live in California anymore!"

There was an anticlimactic silence in the room. Mrs. Mitchell had seemingly retreated to her own world of cleaning while Mr. Mitchell's mouth just hung open.

"I told him how I feel about him," Logan explained slowly. "And he told me. And...and the last few weeks have been incredible. Absolutely incredible. He loves me. He...loves me. He kisses me, and he holds me in his arms at night, and whispers in my ear, and he tells me the sweetest things, and...I love him."

Mr. Mitchell finally got it together enough to close his mouth and stop staring at his son, but he just rubbed his temples.

"Why?" Mrs. Mitchell asked, finally putting down her dish towel and turning to Logan, as if her questioning his feelings would be enough for him to deny them. "Why him?"

Logan didn't understand. Wasn't it obvious why he loved Kendall? Hadn't Mrs. Mitchell been witness to the extraordinary friendship the two boys had had? Hadn't she seen how happy Kendall had made her son over the years?

"I don't know!" he answered, annoyed by her being difficult. "Because! Because he was my first real friend! He was the first person who cared about me and took me seriously and made me feel special. That's why."

"I cared about you!" she told him. "And I did everything I could to make you feel special!"

"I know, Mom! I know! But I needed it from someone my own age! I needed a friend! And Kendall was everything I could have ever asked for."

Mr. Mitchell's temple-rubbing got deeper and deeper as the sounds of his wife's voice and his son's voice got louder and more passionate.

"So you have be with him?" Mrs. Mitchell asked Logan. "He's your friend, Logan! Your friend! So someone finally decided to be nice to you, to give you the time of day, and you feel that you have to go and be in a relationship with him?"

"It's so much more than that!"

"What else is there, then? What about the people who are going to discriminate against you? And the people who are going to tell you that you're a bad person and that you're going to hell and that you don't deserve to be happy? What about the people who will do horrible things to you?"

Logan began to weep. He didn't want to, but it was almost like a coping mechanism for him. Backed into a corner? Just weep. Weep, weep, weep. It was the only way for him to survive. "Don't you think I know all about that already? I think about it all the time!"

"Then you'll tell Kendall that you made a mistake," she told him, calming down. "You'll tell him that you were confused and that you can't be with him anymore."

"He'll do no such thing," Mr. Mitchell intoned slowly and carefully with a deep, deep voice.

Both Logan and Mrs. Mitchell turned to him immediately. His normal comical demeanor was replaced by one of the utmost seriousness. His eyes stared hard into the both of them.

"Does Kendall make you happy?" he asked Logan, his voice still deep and intimidating.

Logan just nodded. He didn't want to answer vocally because he knew it would sound weak and feeble. He just nodded and wiped away a few tears.

Mr. Mitchell evaluated him for a second, to make sure he was being as honest as possible. The last thing he wanted was for his son to go into anything that he didn't truly feel in his heart. But, as Alan Mitchell thought back on years past, it all made sense to him. He'd always wished Logan would find someone who made him feel special, someone who would take care of him and treat him with respect. He was always sad because it seemed like his son could never keep a girl's attention for long. But Kendall was always there. Always. And so it made sense to him.

"Okay then," he said, and then he put on that cheesy "dad" smile again. "That's all that matters, right?"

Logan didn't even know what to say to that. Was his dad really giving him his blessing? But wait...didn't Logan predict that this wouldn't be an issue at all for his dad anyway? He didn't even know what to think anymore. He looked at his mother, who was eying his father like he was the alien now.

"No, that's not all that matters!" she said to her husband. "Did you not hear anything that I said? Have you not seen the news? Bad things happen to those types of men all the time, and if Logan is like that, then that means there's a possibility that horrible things could happen to him, too!"

"Mom, the world has changed!" Logan pleaded passionately. He looked to his dad for support. "Things aren't the same as when you guys were kids. People have changed, and...and the world has changed, and things have gotten better."

"I don't believe the world has changed that much," she replied, crossing her arms as if she'd said her final words on the matter.

Mr. Mitchell just shook his head and looked down. "You know," he said. "I remember when we were kids. I remember that there were a couple of guys in our high school who were...well, it was pretty clear which team they played for. They were teased mercilessly. Every single day, some dumb jock would find a new way to pick on those guys. They truly made their lives miserable. But you know what else? They picked on me, too. I was the class geek. They bugged me for no reason, too, and it really bothered me."

"That's right," Mrs. Mitchell said. "You remember how horrible those kids were to you. And they only picked on you because you weren't a jock. They were much meaner to those other boys. Do you really think everything has just all of a sudden changed in thirty-five years?"

"What I do remember," Mr. Mitchell continued, "was that there was one person - just one person in the whole school - who really took the time to get to know me. This person wanted to make me feel special, and I felt this person loved me. And I loved her, too. And I married her."

Silence swept the room. Logan's beating heart slowed a little bit as he took it all in.

"I want you to be happy, son," Mr. Mitchell said as he stood up and put his hand on Logan's shoulder. "Please be happy."

"I will," Logan said, not sure how to read his father's very existential tone. He turned to his mother. "Mom, I'm not clueless to what's going on in the world. I know what it's like...I see it on the news just like you do. But when given the choice between living with that and not really living at all...I have to do what's right for me. I have to do what makes me happy."

Of course, she began to sob, and this caused Logan to sob, and even Mr. Mitchell began to sob. They closed in for a group hug, and then they started to laugh amidst the sobbing.

"I guess this is what they call a family quarrel," Mr. Mitchell quipped as he sniffed back a few tears.

"I guess so," Logan laughed.

* * *

><p>The funeral wasn't as taxing as Logan thought it would be. As unfortunate as it was, it seemed as if not too many people in Kendall's family were truly torn up over Sean Knight's death. Yes, people cried, and there were lots of warm-hearted stories about the trouble he'd get himself into in his younger days, but no one broke down upon seeing him in the casket. No one yelled out in pain or screamed for him to come back. There was an overwhelming feeling of acceptance...as if Sean Knight was dead and everyone was okay with that.<p>

Logan wasn't going to sit next to Kendall and the family, but Mrs. Knight insisted upon it, and so there he was stuffed between Kendall and an elderly female family member. Every now and then, he turned to Kendall, waiting for him to break down into a mess of tears, but it never happened. Kendall's face was still and focused throughout the entire service, and when it was time to head to the cemetery, he walked tall.

"Are you okay?" Logan asked him. He knew the question was such a cliche in situations like this, but it was really all he could ask. They were walking to the cemetery, which was a short distance behind the church, and they kind of hung to the outside of the crowd.

"I'm good," Kendall shrugged, his hands buried deep down in his pockets. "I don't know."

"What's the matter?"

Kendall sighed. "It just feels like...what now? After all this time I spent hating him and being scared of him, what do I do now? What am I supposed to think about anything?"

"Well," Logan began, trying his best to come up with something useful to say. "Maybe, if you think about it hard enough, there can be some closure in this."

"Closure? What kind of closure? Now I'll never have the satisfaction of knowing that I told him the truth. I'll never be able to say that I did that and got through it. I feel like a failure because I waited until it was too freaking late to man up."

"Kenny..." Logan soothed, subconsciously linking his arm with one of Kendall's and gently caressing it. Once he realized what he was doing, he jerked back.

"You could have kept it there," Kendall said quietly and calmly. "No need to pretend around family."

And so Logan slowly linked his arm back with Kendall's, but Kendall pulled his hand out of his pocket and took hold of Logan's, and they walked together as a couple to bury his father.

* * *

><p>After the funeral, everyone gathered at Kendall's aunt's house. Friends and family filled the house, and the sounds of children's laughter was in the air. As nice as it was, however, Kendall had needed to be alone, and so he'd gone upstairs to lie down. Logan was left to mingle with the Knight family - his new family?<p>

As he walked the halls of the house, he viewed the framed portraits on the walls. Pictures of Kendall's aunts and uncles when they were kids and teenagers, a very large group picture of at least 50 Knights, an adorable photograph of six-year-old Kendall holding baby Katie...even a picture of Jennifer and Sean Knight on their wedding day. He could hear the chatter coming from the other rooms - lots of storytelling and laughter. He wondered if he'd ever be a part of that. Would he and Kendall one day sit amongst the rest of the family and share their funny stories as well? Would there be a picture of Kendall and himself in a loving embrace adorning this wall? Would Logan one day be considered a member of this family, known to everyone as "Kendall's boyfriend" instead of "Kendall's friend?" He hoped so.

He scaled the stairs to go check on Kendall. Oh, how he hoped Kendall was feeling better. It hurt him so much to think of him in pain. He wanted to hold him close, but he knew Kendall needed his space, and so he was going to go upstairs, check to see if he was asleep, and maybe sit quietly nearby.

Just as he was about to open the door, however, Mrs. Knight came out and closed it behind her.

"He's asleep," she said quietly. "Sleeping like a baby."

Logan nodded. At least Kendall was sleeping and not just lying there thinking.

"I was just gonna sit with him," Logan said. "Hopefully be there when he wakes up."

Mrs. Knight nodded. "That's a good idea."

Before Logan could go inside, though, she stopped him. "Logan, I just wanted to say thank you again. I really, really, really mean it."

"Thank you for what?" he asked.

"For being there for him. For never leaving him or giving up on him. For loving him." She softly touched his cheek. "I can't believe how fast you two have grown up. I guess being back home really makes it noticeable that you aren't the two little boys who used to play Insect Hospital in my backyard anymore."

Logan chuckled a little at the memory.

"You're young men now. You're old enough to know what you want and make your own decisions, and that's a beautiful thing, Logan."

She stood for a moment and continued to rub his cheek, but she soon realized that she was getting too carried away with her emotions and withdrew her hand.

"I love him, Mrs. Knight," Logan said with a conviction that could never be faked.

"Oh, I know you do," she replied. "Why don't you go on in before he wakes up?"

She pushed the door open for him and let him in before disappearing down the stairs.

Kendall was stretched out on his cousin Brian's made bed. He lay on his stomach, and he faced a window that gave a view of a large tree outside. Logan quietly crossed the room to grab a small chair and sat next to the bed. Kendall's face looked so peaceful...so calm. A shock went through Logan's body when he almost thought that Kendall, too, was no longer among the living. But he knew that Kendall always slept like an angel. His blond hair was draped gracefully over his forehead, and pink lips quivered just a little with each breath the sleeping beauty took.

When his eyes opened, they were already staring straight into Logan's.

"Kendall," Logan said, not expecting him to awake so soon.

Kendall closed his eyes again, but he reached out his hand. Logan, always wanting to give Kendall what he wanted, took it, and Kendall drew him closer to the bed. He kissed Logan's hand, and he motioned for Logan to get on the bed with him.

"I don't think the door has a lock," Logan protested, thinking only of what was best for Kendall.

But Kendall just shook his head and jerked Logan's hand down, and Logan got the signal loud and clear that secrecy wasn't number-one on Kendall's priority list anymore. He walked around to the other side of the bed and slowly lay down behind Kendall. Kendall took Logan's hand and rest it on his own hip, and he settled down into Logan's embrace.

"Just lie here with me," he said. "Don't leave me."

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Kendall's dad is no longer a factor in his decisions, but he feels like a failure. Will Logan convince him to live for the future? Find out in the FINAL chapter of Fragments!


	32. Fragments

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All right, here it is! The very last chapter of this very long story! Hope you guys enjoy!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: THE FINALE<strong>

As Logan and Kendall drove down the familiar streets of their Minnesota hometown, they couldn't help but notice that things had changed. Some of the changes were major, and some were minor, but as much as Minnesota still felt like "home" to them, they couldn't help but feel like outsiders who didn't belong anymore.

"Whoa," they both let out in muted shock as they passed by their old high school. A new freshman wing now stuck out of it like a sore thumb, completely throwing off the building's architectural style and making it look like an entirely different school.

"Wow, they tore down that whole forest," Kendall casually noticed as they passed a shiny new shopping mall. Where trees used to grow tall enough to mingle with the clouds, hundreds of soccer moms and teenagers were swiping their cards in exchange for overpriced clothing and accessories.

They were traveling out of town, but even as they got to more rural areas, the changes kept on coming.

"Oh my God," Logan gasped as they passed a large parking lot. "Remember those neat old houses that used to be there? Those houses were there since before the Great Depression! They were a part of history!"

"And now they're just history."

The large parking lot was for a new country club/resort. Just ten years earlier, Logan and Kendall would run and play in that big, empty field, and families would have picnics. Kids could still run and play in the field, and families could still have their picnics...but now, it'd cost them several hundred dollars a month to do so.

"We're definitely not in Kansas anymore," Kendall sighed as they got until a highway.

Logan looked at him oddly. "Kansas?"

Kendall nodded. "You have a problem with Kansas?"

"No, Kendall." Logan shook his head, and Kendall smirked.

It was the day after the funeral, and things had gotten better. Logan had honored his mother's wish to bring Kendall and Mrs. Knight over, and even though Logan had been a nervous wreck about the whole thing, it had turned out much better than he'd thought it would. There were a lot of awkward jokes and pauses and stares, but the boys felt that they had the support of their parents. The parents who were still living, at least.

They'd been avoiding conversation about Mr. Knight ever since the funeral, and it seemed like a good idea. Kendall was in better spirits, and Logan felt as if things would soon go back to normal. He figured Kendall had come to terms with everything in his head and was ready to move forward.

Of course, knowing where they were headed, he couldn't help but think that maybe they weren't out of the woods just yet.

After exiting the highway and traveling on a long dirt road, Kendall announced, "Here we are." He brought the car he'd borrowed from a cousin to a stop in front of one of the few places that hadn't changed a single bit through the years: his grandparents' cabin.

"Looks the same as we left it!" Logan marveled as they got out of the car. On their previous trips back home, they'd never gotten a chance to visit the cabin. This was their first time back since they'd moved to California.

They both stalked around the house, pointing out all of the little things they remembered from their childhood days. A dangerous hole on the floor of the front porch, a large tree with a big knot in its bark, an old car tire that seemed to be glued to the ground. And when they went inside, there were more flashes of their past. The furniture, the paint on the walls, the refrigerator magnets...everything was the way it had been years earlier.

"Nothing's changed," Kendall said under his breath. He rubbed his hand over the kitchen counter top, feeling a slight chill as he imagined his grandmother standing there, chopping up ingredients for a meal.

"I can't believe Grandpa left all of this to move to Arizona," Kendall said as he and Logan sat on the living room sofa. An overwhelming silence followed, and it evoked a feeling of surreality. As quick as their lives had been since moving to California, all of that was erased once they were in this house. With the sounds of birds singing coming through the window and the stillness of all the old furniture around them, it was like they were no longer a part of Earth but like objects in a painting.

"We left it to move to California," Logan replied, though he understood the point Kendall was trying to make. "I guess everyone leaves home at some point."

"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "But they say home isn't really a house. It's the people in it."

"That's true."

Kendall put his arm around Logan as they breathed in the piney smells of nature. Logan was his home...and as long as he had the dark-haired boy with him, he'd be safe and warm.

"This is the place," he whispered. "This is where we started."

"Technically, we started in Mrs. Rebecca Martin's fourth grade classroom," Logan corrected, intentionally sounding like a pain in the ass. "That's actually where it all started, if I recall correctly."

"Oh, quit being a smartass," Kendall rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know," Logan conceded, letting Kendall pull him in closer. "This is one of the many places," he said, his voice getting low, "where...well, it's where things started to get complicated."

"It was never complicated for me," Kendall expressed. "I knew what was going on the whole time. I knew what I wanted. I just couldn't deal with it. But I can now."

They kissed on the sofa, and another chill went down Kendall's back. His grandma's ghost wasn't the only one roaming these halls now. He knew his dad was here, too, and he wondered how the spirit of Sean Knight was reacting to the sight of his son sitting on this sofa, arm around Logan Mitchell, kissing him and loving him. An ill wind didn't blow through the window, and the lights didn't flicker on and off, so maybe that was a good sign. Maybe Kendall's grandmother was still defending him in the afterlife.

He shook his head with a smile. "I can just hear them now," he said.

"Hear who?" Logan asked, the hairs on his neck standing up. Was there someone else here?

"Little Kendall Jr. and Logan-Anne," Kendall replied, still smiling. "Running around here and getting into all kinds of trouble."

"Kendall Jr. and Logan-Anne?" Logan asked incredulously. "Logan-Anne?"

"Well, what would you name the little brats?" Kendall asked.

"I don't know! Not Kendall Jr. and Logan-Anne, though!"

"Those are perfectly fine names! I doubt you could come up with anything better."

Logan looked down his nose at Kendall. "All right. Jonas Salk Knight and Marie Curie Mitchell."

"Oh, please!" Kendall dismissed him. "We're not naming our kids after dorks, Hortense!"

"Well, we're certainly not gonna give them names that will make them sound like guests on _Jerry Springer_."

"Ugh," Kendall shook his head, but then Logan started laughing. "What's so funny?"

"You are! And me. The last time we were in this house, who would have ever thought that the next time we'd be here, we'd be arguing about what we would name our kids?"

Kendall laughed, too. "We're a weird pair, aren't we?"

"Yep," Logan agreed. "And I like my weird boyfriend." He turned to Kendall and gave him those eyes, the look that he'd never given intentionally but always drove Kendall wild.

"Well, I think I _love_ my weird boyfriend," Kendall replied, and they kissed again.

They sat in the calm, beautiful silence for a spell, enough for them to start seeing the sun come down through the picture window. The afternoon was slowly fading into evening, and in the morning, they'd be back on a plane to California. Sure, they'd be back in this house one day, but still, this felt like a special occasion, one that they'd never have again.

As they sat, Kendall couldn't help but find his thoughts turning to his father. In the days since Mrs. Knight had made the shocking announcement in the hallway of their apartment back in LA, Kendall's mind raced. Any time he'd lie down to "think," he'd get so bogged down by his thoughts that he'd quickly fall asleep. All throughout the funeral, he'd been so sidetracked by the good memories and cute stories that he hadn't really given himself time to think about his own feelings. But now that they were in this house, he couldn't find an excuse in the world to keep him from thinking about his dad.

He's gone now, he thought to himself as he could feel Logan falling asleep under his arm. He's gone for good, and I'll never have to see him ever again. Ever. But why do I still feel like I'm letting him down?

Would he be able to move on with his life now that any type of closure he'd hoped to have with his father was now out the window? Or would he be stuck on still trying to please the man who'd warned him years ago about what it meant to be "normal?"

He didn't know. He didn't want to think about it. Logan was asleep next to him, and he wanted to sleep as well. They'd take a nap together, and they'd get back on the road for the twenty-minute drive back to town. In the morning, they'd get back to California, and then he just knew that he'd finally be able to stash any of his daddy issues in the back of his mind forever.

Kendall carefully slipped his hand from around Logan and stood, but a drowsy Logan stood behind him. "I'm gonna go take a nap," Kendall told him, knowing and expecting and hoping Logan would follow him.

Logan yawned and nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."

After securing the front door, the boys slowly walked through the quiet, creaky hallway to one of the bedrooms. Logan went to go pee while Kendall made the room comfortable for their nap. He opened the window and felt the breeze blow in through the curtains. The setting sun was in view, as well, and an old-fashioned feeling of simplicity took over the room. After years of being on-the-go in California, it was the greatest thing in the world to be able to slow down and enjoy every minute of life.

Logan washed his hands and looked at himself in the mirror. After all this time...all these years...they were back in this house, and they were together. They didn't have to hide their feelings or pretend they didn't exist. Everything worked out for them...everything. It almost brought a tear to his eye, but he gathered up his strength. He didn't want to be a teary-eyed, weepy mess all the time, even if the sheer joy that he felt because he was now with the one he loved got to be too much for him to handle.

He turned off the bathroom light, and as he went back to join Kendall, his eye was caught by a piece of paper on the floor. At first, he thought nothing of it. Probably an old phone number or receipt or coupon. But he picked it up anyway, and he was surprised to see that it was an envelope. Not just any envelope, though.

"Kendall" was written on it.

He focused on it, and he knew what he had to do.

"Kendall," he said when he slipped into the bedroom. "I think this is for you."

Kendall was already lying on the bed, but he set up when Logan held the envelope up in front of him. He immediately recognized the handwriting, and he took it.

"Where did you find this?" He asked, moving over for Logan to get next to him.

"It was on the floor in the hall, right outside the other room."

Kendall held the envelope in his hand, but he didn't open it. He looked up to Logan with serious eyes. "My dad wrote this."

Logan's eyes widened, and he waited a while to let Kendall take it in. "Are you going to open it?"

"Do you think I should?" Kendall asked.

"Yes!"

The urgency in Logan's eyes gave Kendall the push to tear open the envelope and extract the letter inside. It was a full page, back and front, of Sean Knight's handwriting.

"Kendall, look at the date!" Logan pointed out. The letter was written just a week earlier.

"Holy shit," Kendall gasped, and he dropped the letter on the bed like it was poison.

"Kendall, you have to read it."

They looked at each other again, and the urgency was still in Logan's eyes. Kendall nodded and braced himself, picking the letter up again and beginning to read it silently to himself, with Logan following along.

_"Dear Kendall..._

_I don't know why I'm writing this to you, son. It's 3:00am, and I should be sleeping - my doctor won't be too thrilled about this, I'm sure - but I've been having a lot on my chest lately, and I guess the only way to get a bit of relief is to write this. I could always call you, I guess, but I'm sure you're too busy with your life to want to talk to me. Besides, why would you want to talk to me, anyway? I haven't been a part of your life for years now. No matter what, though, you've always been a part of mine, and you always will be. I don't care if we go twenty years before we even speak to each other again. You'll always be a part of me._

_What's been bothering me lately...eh, I don't even know. I've been thinking a lot about my life. The mistakes I've made...the things I thought I did right...the things I thought I did right but turned out being big mistakes anyway. It seems like I got a lot of things wrong over the years and very few things right, but no one's perfect. When I think about the mistakes I've made, for some reason, my mind keeps turning to you. Kendall, I'm sorry. For everything. I was never the perfect father. Rarely was I there for you to support you in the things you wanted to do. I pressured you too much, but you must know that it was because I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to be successful and happy. I guess another big part of it would be that I was jealous of you. You always had the confidence and the drive to be who you wanted to be, and I envied you so much because of that. Any chance I got to put you in your place, to extinguish as much of your happiness as I could, I took. That makes me a horrible person, and I know I will never ever deserve your forgiveness for that._

_I've had a lot of time to think. I've been alone for so long now... Yes, I've had girlfriends every now and then. Yes, I keep myself busy with work. But none of the is able to fill the void that's in my heart ever since I left you, your sister, and your mother. If I could go back and change every single thing, I would in a heartbeat. But that's not possible. All we have is the future, and I hope that I can have one with my family again._

_Kendall, I just want you to be happy. Please be happy, son. I used to think that you could only be happy in an office, surrounded by money and material things. But I was so, so wrong. I see you on television every now and then, and I know you've found something that makes you happy, and I'm extremely proud. I also see the friendship that you have with Logan, and I can see that things between the two of you have matured and gotten stronger. Kendall, I can't say it enough. I want you to be happy. I don't care who it's with. Wanting to be with someone you love and who loves you...it's normal. It's human nature. I hope you've found that._

_This letter is a rambling mess, I know, but I'm so full of thoughts right now that I just had to get it down on paper. I probably won't even mail this or have it sent to you anyway. You're grown up now, and what I think probably doesn't even matter to you anymore. I can't fault you for that, and if you have indeed gotten to that point, it makes me even more proud of the independent man you have become. Live your life, Kendall. No one else can live it for you._

_I love you, and I'm always thinking of you._

_Dad_

No one spoke. The wind howled very, very softly as it entered and exited the room, and the sound of leaves rubbing together outside wafted in as well. But Kendall and Logan remained silent. Still. Lifeless.

Logan's eyes were trained on the letter. He was too unsure to look at Kendall. He didn't know how Kendall would react. What effect would this seemingly insignificant piece of paper have on him?

Suddenly, a circular portion of the page became wet. And then another. Tears were falling from Kendall's face onto the letter. He was crying.

"Baby," Logan said, taking Kendall into a hug as they dropped the letter onto the bed.

"He loved me," Kendall began to repeat through his tears. "He loved me...he loved me...he loved me...he loved me..."

Logan rocked him gently as he let out all of his pain and frustration, all of his guilt and regret, all of his tension and stress. It all exited Kendall like the lifting of a weight, and he felt his body tingle with the feeling of being free. Everything he'd gone through had led up to this moment, when he would finally know that his dad cared, that people could change, and that his life would not be lived with the fear of being inhibited any longer.

He violently broke out of Logan's hug, but then he smashed his lips against the other boy, his tongue sliding into his mouth and their worlds colliding. Kendall pushed Logan down on the bed, the kiss never ceasing, and he hopped on top of him, straddling him and kissing him deep into the bed. Logan was scared because Kendall had never been so rough before, but he knew that this roughness wasn't malicious or dangerous. It was the wild abandon of someone who was without chains for the very first time.

"I want to make love to you," Kendall said, his breathing so heavy and hard. "I need to make love to you. I must. I must..." And he went in for another kiss, making Logan's lips swell.

Kendall took off his shirt and unbuttoned Logan's khaki shorts. "I need you."

Logan just went with the flow, and the reckless energy that embodied Kendall spilled over into him. As Kendall dropped another long, lusty kiss on him, he reached out and grabbed Kendall's crotch, squeezing his cock and helping it grow. Kendall reached under Logan's shirt and pinched his nipples, and then he started to suck hard on Logan's neck, leaving instant passion marks.

Kendall rolled over and placed Logan on top of him, and the kisses continued. He grabbed Logan's ass and thighs and slapped them hard, making Logan jump and accidentally bite his lip.

"Fuck!" Kendall exclaimed in pain.

"Yeah," Logan whispered, completely oblivious to the biting because he was now in sex mode, "fuck me."

Luckily, the skin wasn't broken, so they kept it up without missing a beat.

Logan could feel Kendall's dick stretching through his mesh shorts and rubbing up against his ass, and it sent a shock through his body. He pulled back the band on Kendall's shorts and reached in for the dick, which he massaged and pulled and squeezed and rubbed until he felt like he'd taken control from Kendall. He pulled Kendall's cock out and spit on it, then he jerked it, and he could feel Kendall's body responding to the sensation. He kept one hand on Kendall's dick and explored Kendall's upper body with the other. He tickled his belly button, traced around his nipples, then let Kendall suck on his finger.

Logan's own cock was putting pressure on his shorts, so he lifted himself up on his knees struggled to get them off as Kendall struggled to his get own shorts off. Logan took off his shirt, and after they'd both struggled to get naked, Logan thought maybe they could take a short break to breathe, but Kendall took this as his opportunity to seize power again, and he wrapped his arms around Logan, bringing him in for another kiss and clamping him down under Kendall's command.

They both began to moan during the kissing and rubbing of other body parts, and the skin-to-skin contact was sending them both over the edge. "Fuck," Kendall moaned again, this time not in pain but in absolute pleasure.

Logan sat up on Kendall's knees and looked deep into his eyes as he grabbed both their cocks and jacked them both off at the same time. The eye contact was making them both get hotter and hotter, and Kendall stuffed his hand into the space between their bodies and felt around until he found Logan's hole. As Logan worked on getting Kendall's member ready, Kendall worked on getting his hole prepared to receive it. They knew what this was gonna feel like, and they both wanted it so bad. They even kinda smiled and smirked at each other with menacing eyes. They could have said words to each other, could have talked dirty, but the eyes were enough.

Kendall brought his hand back up and shoved two fingers into Logan's mouth to get wet and slippery. He went back under him and shoved the same fingers in his hole and started to finger him. Logan's body was forced awake by the fingers and he jumped on Kendall's probes, but he soon found his rhythm and rode up and down on them. He bit his lower lip and allowed his muscles to constrict and loosen at their own free will. Kendall dug his fingers deep inside, searching...searching...searching until...

"Ah, fuck, Kendall!" Logan gasped.

Once Kendall's dick was starting to ooze pre-cum, they both knew it was time. Logan's carefully lifted himself off of the fingers, and he leaned forward so that Kendall could line his cock up with the hole. He gently massaged the hole into a relaxed state as Logan kissed his forehead and closed eyes. Slowly, Logan lowered himself on the dick and the familiar feeling of Kendall being inside him swept over him like the feeling of being tucked safely under a security blanket.

They made out fiercely as Logan first moved slowly on the cock and then picked up his speed. He could feel as Kendall's long, pointy penis stabbed at the sensitive spot that was buried inside him and each point of contact made him tighten on the throbbing tool. He wimpered and purred as his lips fell of Kendall's and he buried his face in the pillow next to Kendall's head. Kendall slathered the side of his face with wet kisses as he huffed and puffed with each thrust.

After about ten minutes in that position, Kendall held on tightly to Logan as he turned over and had Logan on his back. His dick slipped out for a few seconds, and he again used his finger to massage Logan's hole open again, softly kissing his legs, which were straight up in the air and ready for Kendall to enter him again. He slowly pushed his head back inside Logan and the shaft was quickly sucked in as well. Logan felt a twinge of pain as he got used to the rearranged position, but he soon wrapped his legs around Kendall's back and drove him deeper inside.

Kendall started out fast, attacking Logan's spot vigorously and kissing his lips at the same time, but then he found his speed slowing...and slowing...and slowing...and slowing, until he was more focused on the kissing than on the fucking. He thrust hard into Logan, but then he'd slowly pulled back just until his dick was almost out of him, and then he'd thrust hard again, and all the while, he and Logan sucked on each other's tongues and bit each other's lips. They stopped kissing for a second and stared into each other's eyes as Kendall kept up the slow-and-sensual rhythm he'd established. Still, they did not talk to one another, but their eyes spoke volumes.

Kendall fucked Logan in this gentle way for a solid twenty minutes. The soft sounds of Logan's purrs and Kendall sucking on his neck blended in with the emerging sounds of crickets and other nighttime critters coming in from the window. Their bodies were immune to the chill coming in and the curtains danced in the breeze, casting a kaleidoscopic glow from the sunset on the walls of the room.

And as the crickets sang and the wind blew and the curtains danced, Kendall Knight's cock got bigger and harder, and the blood rushed to it faster and faster until...

Their breathing was uneven as Kendall came, shooting quick jets of hot cum into Logan, whose own cock was leaking its own juices in the space between their bodies. Kendall let his dick get soft inside Logan until it finally withdrew, and he fell on him, their bodies sticking together. Their lips crashed together in a satisfying kiss as to say "This was a success."

Kendall rolled over once more, not caring too much about the evidence of their lust and love getting all over the sheets. He wanted Logan on top of him...he wanted to wrap his arms around him as they slept in the calmness of this rural paradise. He wanted them to be alone in the world for this night. Before they went back to California, before they had to face the rest of the world.

And as they fell asleep, Kendall could feel that feeling of release again. Everything was gone. His fear, his apprehension, his need to cut and run from the truth. It was gone. It had been tossed into that casket with his father and buried six feet below the ground. It was no longer a part of his psyche. He could go after what he wanted and do what he wanted and be with who he wanted to be with. Maybe something was wrong with the fact that he'd just made love in his grandparents' home...maybe something was wrong with the fact that he'd done this a day after his own father's funeral. Maybe something was wrong with the whole fucking thing, but he didn't care.

His life was finally his.

Thanks, Dad, he thought quietly as he finally slipped into his slumber.

* * *

><p><em><strong>One year later<strong>_

Sometimes, Logan Mitchell liked to remember things from the past. Many people didn't share this hobby, though. Most people looked only to the future, for the past was but a memory that could not be changed. Dwelling too much on the regrettable things, the missed opportunities, and the heartbreaking losses could really get under a person's skin and make them lose their mind. But for Logan? Looking back on yesterday had given him the courage and strength to look forward to tomorrow.

Every single memory - the good ones and the bad ones - stayed with him, and as he put those fragments together to form a complete story, he knew that his happy ending was worth all of the pain he'd endured. So looking back? That was just a reminder of his strength and the strength of the love he shared with Kendall.

This thought crossed his mind as they walked hand-in-hand along the beach together. They were on vacation for the rest of the summer - just like the year before - but this vacation wasn't going to be filled with revelations and big decisions and loss and all of those other things.

"_Hollywood Hearsay_ wants to do a piece on us," Logan said as they casually strolled along on a sunny afternoon. "Apparently, we made their list of the top ten most influential celebrity couples for 2012."

"Oh, really?" Kendall asked. "What did we influence?"

"I don't know," Logan shrugged. "I think it's that whole gay guys in a boy band thing. Apparently, it's sort of a big deal."

They both giggled a little as the wind blew threw their hair.

"So," Kendall began, "what are we doing for the rest of vacation? We only have a month and a half left, and I think we're in danger of blowing the whole thing."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, so far, all we've done are interviews and photo shoots and speaking engagements. It's supposed to be a vacation, but we're still working!"

"Kendall, we came out publicly two months ago. We're a hot item now!"

"Yeah, I guess," Kendall said, hanging his head down low.

"What's the matter?" Logan asked, letting go of Kendall's hand and resting his own on Kendall's hip.

"Nothing," Kendall said. "I just feel like we haven't been able to spend a whole lot of time together, just the two of us. As soon as we let the world know, it's like we broke up with each other and started a relationship with every single magazine, talk show, and blog."

Logan nodded intently, feeling Kendall's pain.

"I want you, Logan," Kendall whispered. "I understand that we have to do all of this other stuff, but at the end of the day, I just want to be with you. Is that too much to ask for?"

They stopped, and Logan smiled. "No," he said, turning to Kendall and kissing him on the lips.

"I was actually thinking," Kendall continued. "Next week, we're going to North Carolina to tape the first episode of Jo's new talk show, right?"

"Yes."

"How about after that, we spend a couple days in Minnesota?"

Logan smiled again, knowing what Kendall had in mind. And, truthfully, several days of rest and relaxation at the cabin seemed to be exactly what he needed.

"I'm totally game for that," he answered. "Let's do it!"

Kendall scooped him up in a hug and kiss, and just as they got into it, the sound of a camera snapping their picture broke their trance. Instead of freaking out and running away, though, they smiled for the paparazzi.

"Thanks, guys," the photographer said. "You're beautiful!"

That night, after going to dinner with James and Carlos, the boys got back to their new penthouse apartment and went straight to sleep. They were tired and worn out, but they were buzzing with the excitement of all the years to come.

As Logan fell into his sleep, he started remembering things again. Sessions with a therapist...a date with a girl who had no interest in him...the horrible morning where he'd spilled his guts to Jo...meeting a nice guy who'd urged him to follow his heart...making love to Kendall for the very first time...and all of the other memories that went along with that crazy summer. Everything happened for a reason, though, and he wouldn't have traded any of those experiences for the world.

He felt Kendall's breath on his neck. Tonight was the night for Kendall to hold him in their sleep. The following night, Logan would have his arms wrapped around Kendall instead. The next time they made love, Kendall would lie there and let Logan take control, letting his love explode inside Kendall. And then, the next time, Kendall would be in charge. They'd decided that the best thing for them was to share and share alike, and it had worked out well.

I'm so lucky, Logan thought to himself as he began to lose consciousness. I'm so happy...and lucky...and I love him...and he loves me...and this is how it was always supposed to be.

* * *

><p><strong>NOTE:<strong> Thank you to EVERYONE who has supported this story in one way or another. All of the views and reviews and messages, all of the people who put this story and myself on your favorites lists and on your alerts, all of you who mentioned the story on tumblr and Twitter, etc. You guys truly made my first story on this site a great experience! I know it was hard sometimes to stay interested whenever weeks/months would go by without an update, but I love you all for sticking with it. There are tons of things I wish I could go back and change in this story, but in the end, I'm so happy with the way it turned out, and I hope you all are, too. I have two new stories that I will be writing in July and August, and the first chapters for those two have already been posted for months. Please read them soon so that you're ready when the new chapters for those start coming.

Again, THANK YOU EVERYONE! You're all awesome people!


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